by John Gottman
Pay attention to the rituals your partner finds most exciting, and use those often. Remember that learning to make love to someone is much like learning to give the ideal back rub. You may start off using techniques that you’d most like to receive, but with experience and feedback, you make adjustments and use techniques your partner likes best. Don’t take your partner’s feedback as rejection; see it as useful information instead. Being a great lover is all a matter of learning what turns your partner on.
Is there a specific, regular time during the day when you can plan to be alone together? Maybe it’s on the weekend, when your kids are off at music lessons. Or maybe it’s during a lunch hour, if you can arrange to meet at that time of day. If you have the opportunity for spontaneous lovemaking sometime, by all means take it! But don’t let your lack of unstructured time be a drain on your love life.
Some kind of ritual for talking about sex can also help—especially considering how shy some people are on the subject. Many couples have an interval in their lovemaking ritual that’s considered “uncensored.” That’s the time when it’s okay to reveal whatever desires or fantasies they have. That’s not to say that partners are required to always fulfill one another’s fantasies. But the most fulfilling sexual relationships are those in which couples feel free to at least share their most private thoughts.
Couples often develop their own code words or signals for initiating or refusing sex as well. The psychologist Lonnie Barbach suggests that couples talk about sexual interest in terms of a nine-point scale; when you’re a “nine,” you feel extremely lusty, and when you’re a “one,” you’re not in the mood at all. That way, one person can say, “I’m an eight tonight, how about you?” And the partner can reply, “I’m a nine” or “I’m a two.” This helps the individual to communicate how he or she is feeling about sex at the moment, without making a low interest seem like personal rejection.
Vacations. What’s the first thing most married couples do once they tie the knot? Take a honeymoon vacation, of course. It’s our society’s way of saying, “Take some time alone together in a romantic spot and get this relationship off to a good start.” I recommend that couples continue to honor their marriages by repeating this ritual as often as possible. Find a destination that’s both romantic and pleasurable. Leave the kids, pets, and other relatives at home. And don’t bring the office pager.
Handling finances. Because money can be such a source of conflict for couples, it can be a real blessing for couples to find a sane way to negotiate issues like spending, saving, and investing. Rituals that help a couple to mesh their shared life goals with a financial plan can help. Books such as Your Money or Your Life, by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin, or The Mindful Money Guide, by Marshall Glickman, provide advice and exercises for doing just that.
Apologizing or repairing feelings after an argument. Some couples have ritualized ways of saying “I’m sorry,” “I screwed up,” or “Let’s try again.” The classic ones involve flowers, candy, or greeting cards. In fact, Hallmark now has a whole line of cards just for this occasion. But many of the everyday rituals mentioned earlier can double as rituals of apology and forgiveness as well. That’s one of the wonderful things about incorporating rituals into your relationships. They ensure that when things get rocky and feelings get hurt, it won’t be long before partners will have a chance to come together and express their feelings. Let’s say you squabble with your spouse over the phone bill just before it’s time to leave for the office. If you have a ritual of kissing one another before you depart, that’s your golden opportunity. Standing face-to-face near the door, one of you can say, “I’m sorry I was so testy.” And the other can reply, “It’s okay. I understand. I was a little crabby myself.”
Building Better Emotional Connections Between Parent and Child
Step 1. Look at Your Bids for Connection with Your Child
To make the most of your connection with your child, understand that in childhood, bidding for emotional connection is not an optional event. Children are designed by nature to behave in ways that attract attention from adults. From infancy on, a child’s very survival depends on adults noticing them and taking action. If children can’t connect with parents through positive behavior, they will do it by acting up. For little ones, this may mean lots of fussy, whining, annoying behavior. Older children may become obstinate or defiant, just to get their parents’ attention. But when parents turn toward their children’s bids for connection in consistently positive ways, children are less likely to act up. Whether they’re conscious of it or not, they know their parents are there for them emotionally, and they don’t have to behave badly in order to prove it. The key, then, is to look constantly for opportunities to turn toward your children and to connect emotionally with them.
Here are a few things to keep in mind as you do so.
Take your time. Children generally process feelings more slowly than adults do. So, when you talk to kids about emotions or emotional topics, give them plenty of time to digest and think about things. Don’t expect immediate answers.
Be prepared for emotional honesty. Studies show that most kids are pretty poor liars. In fact, until the age of eleven or so, most don’t master the art of the “white lie”—that is, hiding the truth in order to spare others’ feelings. So if you ask your child how he or she is feeling about something you’ve done, for example, be prepared to hear and respect the honest truth.
State your goals clearly when you make a bid for connection. Subtler bids can go right over a young child’s head, causing hurt feelings as the family misses its opportunity to connect. Here’s an example of a bid that may seem straightforward, but is actually too subtle for this nine-year-old child.
DAD: Want to go bowling?
JEREMY: Nah, I’d rather read my Harry Potter book right now.
Jeremy, a concrete thinker, interprets Dad’s bid as a simple request for information, and he provides an honest answer. Jeremy may not realize that Dad’s after more than just a bowling partner—that he wants to connect with his son. But if Dad gets more explicit about his goal, Jeremy can see that the issue is spending time together, not bowling right this minute, and he may respond more positively to his father’s bid.
Here’s what happens when Dad is more clear.
DAD: I haven’t seen much of you this week. Would you like to do something together this weekend? We could go bowling. What do you think?
JEREMY: I’m reading my Harry Potter book right now. Could we do it tomorrow?
DAD: Sure. Let’s do it after lunch tomorrow.
JEREMY: Great!
Use your child’s expression of feelings as an opportunity for intimacy or teaching. When your child opens up to you with expression of fear, sadness, or anger, try to validate those feelings by saying that you understand why he or she might feel this way. Then work with your child to solve the problem that’s causing the sadness, anger, or fear.
Understand that emotions can be extremely intense for children. That’s because they lack the life experience that teaches, “This too shall pass.” They may not understand that the sadness, fear, or anger they’re feeling is not going to last forever. So, when you talk to kids about their feelings, don’t underestimate or dismiss the intensity of what they’re going through. If you do, you may blow an important opportunity to connect with them.
Notice, validate, and name your child’s emotions. Help your child to find words for what he or she is feeling. Then, without dismissing the feelings, offer some guidance on how to cope. (“Are you disappointed that Laurel didn’t invite you to her skating party? I’ll bet it hurts to feel left out. Let’s talk about it for a while. Then, later on, maybe you could invite Nicole to go to a matinee with you on Saturday.”)
Set limits on misbehavior. As the child psychologist Haim Ginott taught, all emotions are acceptable, but some behaviors are not.
Exercise: Look for Opportunities to Turn Toward Your Child
Below is a list of
activities that afford the chance to turn toward your child in ordinary but important ways. The list is presented in two parts, things you can do for your child and things you can do with your child. Read the lists and consider which activities you did in the past week. Are there activities on the list that you’d like to try in the weeks ahead? Are there some that you’d like to make part of your daily interactions together? Circle those activities and try them out in the coming week. When the week is over, look back and see how you did. Consider how new efforts to turn toward your child affected your feelings of emotional connection with him or her.
Things to Do for Your Child
• Pay attention to what’s going on in your child’s day-care center or school. Talk to teachers. Read newsletters. Show interest.
• Attend your child’s sports activities, performances.
• Attend school events, open houses, parent/teacher conferences.
• Sit down with him or her at mealtimes, including breakfast. Turn off the TV and talk.
• Pack your child’s lunch. Include healthy treats and a friendly note.
• Take photos of your child.
• Praise positive behavior in specific ways. Instead of saying, “You’re a great artist,” describe how the drawing makes you feel: “This picture makes me want to go out into a forest.”
• Show affection by touching your child gently and often. Cuddle and stroke smaller children. Offer your hand to bigger kids as long as they’ll take it. Make hugs a habit. Pat your child on the arm, head, or back when he or she is behaving well.
• Offer choices whenever possible. Within reason, let your child decide what to wear, what to eat, what activities to pursue.
• Pay attention to your child’s likes and dislikes. If he likes crunchy peanut butter rather than smooth, buy crunchy peanut butter.
• Show interest by asking your child questions about her day.
• Take interest in your child’s friends. Ask questions about them.
• Be kind to your child’s friends.
• Show interest in your child’s creative projects.
• Express gratitude.
• Ask your child what she wants to be when she grows up. Listen.
• Ask your child about his fears. Listen.
• Ask your child what she would wish if she could have three wishes. Listen.
• Apologize when you’re wrong. Doing so teaches that it’s okay to make mistakes and to admit to them.
• Monitor your child’s activities.
• Always know where your child is.
• Keep asking questions about your child’s experiences and thoughts.
• Other: _______.
Things to Do Together
• Play games.
• Go for a walk.
• Take a nap.
• Make up stories.
• Cook a meal.
• Bake a treat.
• Share jokes.
• Have a “grug”—a group hug.
• Share “butterfly kisses” (with your eyelashes) or rub noses.
• Tickle, wrestle, and horseplay. (But be careful never to shake a small child or baby. This can cause brain injury.)
• Look at your child’s baby pictures. Tell your child happy or funny stories about her birth and infancy. Let your child know how glad you are that he was born.
• Sit down together for meals.
• Watch his favorite TV shows and talk about them.
• Read the newspaper aloud and talk about it.
• Read the funnies aloud and talk about them.
• Read books aloud—even after your child is old enough to read to herself.
• Play catch, shoot baskets, kick a soccer ball around the yard.
• Do craft projects.
• Play make-believe.
• Redecorate or paint your child’s room. Give him choices for colors, fabrics, and so on.
• Set the table. Make it a “fancy dinner” once in a while, with candles, good dishes, and cloth napkins.
• Plant a garden; designate one part as your child’s.
• Shop for your child’s clothes. Give your child choices.
• Start a savings account. Make deposits together. Calculate the interest.
• Buy your child a few shares of stock. Check the prices each day.
• Play computer games.
• Surf the Internet for cool kids’ sites.
• Go to your child’s favorite restaurant.
• Go to the park, playground, or children’s museum. Crawl around on the equipment with your child.
• Go to a children’s theater. Talk about the play.
• Go to a children’s movie. Talk about it.
• Share a favorite recreational activity, like swimming, skiing, hiking, camping, bowling.
• Go to an art museum. Make up stories about the pictures.
• Go to “story hour” at the local library or bookstore.
• Build a fire in the fireplace and roast marshmallows.
• Turn off the lights, light some candles, and tell (not-too-scary) ghost stories.
• Plan and take a vacation.
• Make a scrapbook of vacation memories when you get home.
• Sing. Play music.
• Dance.
• Put up the tent in the backyard and have an overnight camp-out.
• Do conditioning exercises.
• Volunteer to go on field trips with your child’s class.
• Volunteer to work in your child’s classroom.
• Provide help with homework when appropriate.
• Make plans for the holidays.
• Plan birthday celebrations.
• Make packages of letters, drawings, and audiotapes or videotapes for out-of-town relatives.
• Research the family tree.
• Do a jigsaw puzzle.
• Videotape a “documentary” about your family or your child’s life.
• Make a family photo album.
• Take a sex-education class together at your local children’s hospital or Planned Parenthood office.
• Make a growth chart and check it often.
• Do community volunteer work together.
• Go to religious services.
• Meditate or pray.
• Other: ________.
Exercise: Create Your Child’s Love Map
To download a PDF of the following exercise, click here.
Here’s another exercise designed to help you turn toward your child. It’s similar to the Love Map presented in chapter 2, but this one is specially tailored for use with kids. It’s designed to help you explore the details of your child’s daily life. The more you know about your child’s experiences, feelings, preferences, and so on, the easier it will be to turn toward him or her and connect emotionally.
You can do this exercise alone, but it’s even better to do it with your child’s other parent (or other primary caregiver) and take turns answering these questions about your child. If either of you has trouble answering particular questions, circle those items and make a point to talk to your child about them. Then return to the exercise and try once more to complete the map together. Don’t think of the exercise as a competition; that’s not helpful. Instead, think of it as a game you can play together to benefit your child.
You may also want to return to this exercise at regular intervals as your child grows. Doing it each year on or near your child’s birthday, for example, will help you stay up to date with important changes he or she is going through.
1. What are your child’s two favorite foods?
2. What two foods does your child most dislike?
3. What are your child’s two favorite kinds of music?
4. Who are your child’s favorite singers?
5. What are your child’s special hobbies and out-of-school interests?
6. Name all your child’s friends.
> 7. Name all your child’s enemies.
8. Who are two of your child’s heroes and heroines?
9. Name two of your child’s favorite videos or movies.
10. Name two of your child’s favorite TV shows.
11. What two animals does your child like, and what two does your child dislike?
12. What would be your child’s ideal vacation getaway?
13. Name two of your child’s favorite bands.
14. What sports does your child especially like to play?
15. What sports does your child like to watch and follow?
16. Name one person your child has had a crush on.
17. What sports does your child find uninteresting?
18. If your child had a sizable sum of money to spend and could go shopping anywhere, what three things would he or she buy?
19. What is one thing your child would like to change about you?
20. What types of clothing does your child prefer to wear and hate to wear?
21. Who is your child’s least favorite relative?
22. Name two people your child would pick for wall posters in his or her room.
23. Who is your child’s most favorite relative?
24. What would be your child’s ideal birthday party this year?
25. What are your child’s favorite types of dessert?
26. If your child could design the ideal family, what would it look like?
27. What is one thing you would like to change about your child?
28. Name three preferences your child has about evenings at home. (For example, does your child prefer to spend time alone reading?)
29. What would be your child’s least favorite kind of birthday party?
30. What would be your child’s idea of a good way to spend a rainy day indoors at home?
31. Name three of your child’s recent favorite books.
32. Name your child’s three favorite and three least favorite teachers.