by John Gottman
Team meetings. Whether you love meetings or hate them, most work groups find it necessary to come together on a regular basis to make decisions, plan projects, and get things done. Organizations often train their managers in how to run efficient meetings, and that’s important. But such training rarely addresses the emotional undercurrents that people bring to the table. I believe meetings can become even more productive if the people in attendance can be fully present and emotionally connected as they interact. One way to accomplish this is to take some time at the beginning of the session for each person to “check in” emotionally; that is, to say briefly how they’re feeling about the way their job or part in a project is going. This may sound risky, especially for teams that are working on tight schedules with limited resources. But it’s also a way to bring to the surface problems that can derail projects or cause burnout. As you do the check-in, keep in mind that your ultimate goal is to be able to focus on the shared tasks at hand. So, if workers bring up problems that are too difficult or complex to handle in that particular meeting, schedule another time soon for the group, or for key members of the group, to tackle the issue raised. The important thing is that people feel free to speak their minds and their hearts to the group. Then they’ll be in a better state of mind to focus on the agenda before them.
Bulletin boards, staff newsletters, and intranet newsgroups. Communication tools like these can be a bit of trouble to maintain, but they can also serve an important function in helping coworkers to connect around common interests, including those that are more personal than work-related. They can also be used in fairly simple ways to draw people together emotionally. One office staff, for example, used their bulletin board to post their own baby pictures one month, their high school prom pictures the next, and their most exciting travel snapshots the month after that. The activity was lots of fun, and it gave the workers a chance to see one another from new and different points of view. Imagine seeing your political nemesis as a frightened two-year-old on a pony, or the office tyrant as an awkward teenager in braces and a powder-blue tuxedo. It sent the message that we were all innocent once, we were all vulnerable, and we still carry those parts of ourselves around every day. The vacation shots helped, too, because they gave people a chance to share some of the most thrilling, romantic, and treasured memories of their lives. We certainly don’t have to unravel our whole life stories to our coworkers, but it may help to reveal glimpses of our past from time to time.
Birthday celebrations. The wonderful thing about celebrating birthdays in the workplace is that everybody has one. Birthday celebrations give work teams an opportunity to show that they care about one another—unconditionally. It doesn’t matter whether you’re the “employee of the year” or the first person on next month’s layoff list; when it’s your day, you get to be serenaded by your peers, blow out the candles, and cut the cake.
Here are a few suggestions to keep this common ritual upbeat. Make the celebration short and sweet, while still leaving time for those gathered to offer best wishes informally to the person being honored. Don’t dwell on the honoree’s age; some folks are quite sensitive about this issue. If you have a choice between planning celebrations for large departments or for smaller work units, go for the smaller, more intimate gathering; it makes the ritual more meaningful. Also, you won’t be forced to have so many celebrations each month that participation becomes a rote chore.
Candy jars, open doors, and other invitations to “face time.” As we become more reliant on e-mail to communicate in the workplace, we’re spending less time in the company of one another, getting increasingly fewer doses of what some have come to call “face time.” The danger, of course, is that we lose out on all the rich emotional cues that interpersonal contact entails—signals I described in detail in chapter 5. While e-mail is certainly efficient, some people are making a ritualized effort to keep a healthy measure of old-fashioned communication in their work lives. They keep their office doors open. Before sending an e-mail message to somebody across the hall, they stop and think, “Could this be handled in a quick conversation instead?”
One manager at the university keeps a jar of chocolates on her desk as a signal of accessibility. Because her job entails lots of counseling and mentoring, she welcomes people dropping by informally to talk. “They pop into my office and say, ‘I’m just here for the candy,’ but then they stick around to chat,” she says. “So the candy is how I say, ‘Come in, sit down, let’s talk.’”
Performance evaluations. Done poorly, the annual “performance review” can be a source of dread for workers and managers alike. Too often, the boss comes off as a judgmental and punitive parent—the person who holds all the power, arbitrarily deciding who gets raises this year and who doesn’t. Unless the evaluation process is designed to truly foster communication about an employee’s goals and achievements, workers often walk away from the event wondering if it was just a popularity contest. But some organizations are finding better rituals for evaluating their employees’ work—ways that actually enhance the workers’ sense of connection to the organization, and may lead to better job performance. One common method is to draft a “performance agreement” at the time an employee is hired. Ideally this agreement, which outlines the employees’ annual goals and objectives, draws directly from the organization’s goals and objectives. Then, when it comes time for a manager to evaluate an employee’s work, the two can sit down together and determine whether the employee did what he or she agreed to do, and see how the work contributed to the organization.
Holiday celebrations. In many workplaces, when mid-December comes around, you can nearly forget about getting any work done until after New Year’s Day. A problem? For some, yes. But workplace holiday celebrations can also benefit work teams if they allow people to let go of their routines and have a little bit of fun. In the course of decorating offices, exchanging “white elephant” gifts, and hosting potluck lunches, workers may get to know one another better. Holidays can be an opportunity to just relax and connect.
Don’t be surprised at how invested people get in such holiday rituals—especially when celebrations become a vehicle for work groups to express feelings of solidarity and affection. A manager I know at one large government institution remembers parties that the organization’s physical-plant workers used to hold each December. Staff from each of several facilities would decorate their shops to the hilt. Then a boss would visit each place, awarding prizes for the best holiday spirit, the most bizarre decorations, and so on. Afterward, groups from all the shops would gather for a huge potluck feast of roast turkey, ribs, ham, and side dishes. That was followed by a talent show. It was quite an event.
“Then we reorganized,” the manager said sadly, “and the guy who owned the sound system for the talent show was placed in a different work unit. So there was no talent show at the party that year, and it put a pall on the whole event. There was too much silence, too many chairs.” And when word got around during the party that the sound-system owner was right upstairs at a little private event his new work group was hosting—well, that put people right over the edge. “It was probably the hardest moment of all for the staff,” she says. “There was a lot of grieving over that.”
The reorganized groups have talked about creating some new holiday rituals, the manager tells me. “But it hasn’t happened yet. And I don’t think we’re going to have a real sense of connection among these new teams until they do it.”
Recognition for special accomplishments. Many organizations sponsor rituals like “employee of the month” awards as a way to acknowledge extraordinary contributions. If the goal of such rituals is to foster emotional connection among coworkers, then it’s usually best to allow peer groups to select their own winners. This helps to establish a climate of appreciation. It creates an environment in which coworkers are on the lookout for reasons to nominate one another for excellent performance.
Awards and recognition should be given in a public
way, if possible. People who work hard deserve to be acknowledged before their peers, customers, and others. One small Web design firm in Seattle, for example, invites employees to submit descriptions of their coworkers’ good qualities on the anniversaries of their date of hire. Those comments are then compiled and distributed by e-mail company-wide. Some staff members find the ritual so satisfying that they proudly send the messages along to their parents and friends.
Presentations can also be made at meetings, in the organization’s newsletters, on posters, and so on. Riding the city bus in Seattle, it’s fun to read the signs inside about the system’s “mechanic of the year.” It gives you a good feeling somehow to know that this man—who has devoted a good part of his time on earth to this very public service of repairing buses—is getting his due. You want to help pat him on the back.
Of course, some of the most interesting rituals spring from the idiosyncratic culture of various workgroups. Software development teams on the main Microsoft campus in Redmond, Washington, for example, have established this practice: Faced with grueling production schedules, team managers promise to shave their heads if their teams make a difficult deadline. I’ve even heard of at least one female manager who upheld the promise. It’s a crafty solution because it actually allows the team manager to get all the attention. The team meets their goal, but the manager is the one who gets to carry the flag—i.e., appearing in the posh company cafeteria with head freshly shaven as if to say, “I did it! I brought the team along to this difficult benchmark!”
In creating rituals of recognition, don’t forget that sometimes the best celebrations are spontaneous ones. Let’s say your work group labors overtime three weeks in a row to meet a crucial deadline, and, by gosh, you make it! “Let’s go grab a beer,” somebody suggests, and you all head for the local watering hole. Once assembled, this would be a great time for somebody—ideally the group leader—to make a toast. But what if there’s no leader present? Or what if it looks as if the leader isn’t going to do it? I say anybody can make a move. The important thing is not to let the moment slip away unacknowledged. Also, don’t be shy about making a good, long, heartfelt speech. Talk about individuals who shone, and the things that they accomplished. Do your best not to leave out anybody who contributed in a significant way. At the same time, don’t feel obligated to mention those who didn’t pitch in. If you do, you make the whole ritual meaningless. But do lay it on thick for those who have worked hard. Remember, your coworkers give their life energy to their work, and they deserve to be praised for a job well done. They want to be recognized. They want to be celebrated. Let them have it!
Just as we were finishing this book, the city of Seattle was rocked by a magnitude 6.8 earthquake, the strongest the area had experienced in half a century. I was at the University of Washington at the time, sitting in a meeting with three longtime colleagues. As soon as we realized what was happening, we all got up and headed for a narrow doorway in the old two-story, wood-frame building that houses our offices. There we huddled, arms around one another, listening to the building rattle and moan, feeling the floor roll beneath our feet. Terribly frightened, we clung together and wondered what might happen next.
Fortunately, the building did not crumble and nobody got hurt. In fact, the quake caused few serious injuries anywhere. But it was a moment of crisis that few in our community will ever forget.
Later that day, as I remembered how my colleagues and I had reacted, I felt so grateful. I thought about the way we had trusted one another, standing so close in that doorway; how we were able to comfort one another in a terrifying situation. This experience is a metaphor for the way that good relationships work, I thought. We’ve had ten years of interacting, ten years of offering each other bids for emotional connection, and ten years of turning toward those bids. So now, when there’s a crisis and there’s no time to think—only to react—we automatically turn toward one another in the kindest way and hang on to one another for support.
That’s the way it can be in solid relationships with your spouse, your friends, your children, your relatives, and your coworkers. As my research has shown, strong bonds are not necessarily forged out of earth-shattering events like job loss, irreconcilable conflict, or horrid disaster. Trust doesn’t require gut-wrenching conversations that plumb the depths of our souls. Rather, good relationships usually develop slowly over time, growing out of the thousands of mundane interactions we share each day.
“How was your day?”
“A little hectic. You look kind of tired, too.”
“I am. Would you like some iced tea?”
“Sure. Here, let me help you…”
But when a crisis comes, all that thoughtfulness pays off richly. If you make a habit of turning toward one another’s bids for connection, you’ll have better access to the healing power of humor, affection, and compassion during times of conflict or catastrophe. By practicing the kind of mindful listening that allows you to understand each other’s experiences, you become more sensitive to each other’s needs.
Such mindfulness seemed easier in the days after the earthquake. If you’ve ever experienced a near disaster, you know how it heightens awareness of your own mortality. You’re struck by how drastically your life can change in a split second. And you suddenly see just how precious your loved ones are to you.
It helped that friends and relatives from around the country called to check in on me and my family. “We’re just fine,” I said, delighted to hear from people with whom I hadn’t connected in ages. I relished a call from one old friend in particular. He phoned to see if I was okay, but I could hear from his voice that he was the one who needed support. Although I had papers to write and a computer glitch to unravel, I stopped working and took the phone to a comfortable chair. It had been a rough year, he said. His new job was not working out the way he’d hoped. We talked for more than an hour. It was a well-balanced conversation, filled with lots of give-and-take and mindful listening. It was the kind of conversation that helps to sustain a friendship over many decades and many miles.
But my research tells me you don’t have to wait for an earthquake—or a car accident, a heart attack, or any other near disaster—to start appreciating and improving your relationships. You can begin today in the smallest of ways by extending simple, positive bids for connection and turning toward others’ bids in a positive way. I hope this book has given you the fundamental tools and motivation to do that. I believe that if you follow the steps I’ve described, you will begin to see new and surprising opportunities for emotional connection all around you, and your life will start to change in positive ways.
That’s how it’s been for a couple I’m now seeing in therapy. The pair likened the gulf between them to the Grand Canyon, until they made a commitment to start listening—really listening—to each other’s desires. During our last visit, they described a recent weekend as one of the best they’d had together in years. Had they planned a second honeymoon? Flown away to some romantic destination? Not at all. The wife had simply announced that she was going to the grocery store and, uncharacteristically, her husband asked to come along to keep her company. Shopping wasn’t what he’d had in mind to do that morning, but he heard the bid for connection in her announcement and, amazingly, offered to join her. Then, at some point during the outing, she suggested that they buy some paint and repaint the kitchen. This task wasn’t on the husband’s agenda either, but he could hear his wife’s enthusiasm for it, and he decided to get behind it. He turned the car toward the paint store and they embarked on the first of many collaborations. They began to revel in noticing bids and turning toward each other. As odd as it may seem, these simple expressions of interest have begun to rekindle the romance in this couple’s marriage!
One of the best things about turning toward others’ bids for connection is the way that positive responses typically lead to more bidding, more turning toward. Any small, positive effort can get the ball rolling in the right direc
tion. This means you can start anytime, anywhere to improve your relationships and your life. It’s simply a matter of becoming a “collector of emotional moments,” as Ross Parke suggests, of recognizing all the potential for connection in small, seemingly insignificant interactions—a shy smile, a weak hello, an invitation to the grocery store.
In addition, understanding one another’s emotional command systems makes the formation of healthy, strong relationships even easier. Such understanding can help you to see why you feel the way you do and why others may feel differently. Suddenly, conflicts don’t seem so confounding or overwhelming. You’ve got a framework to help you manage your conflicts and achieve more harmonious relationships.
As you apply the principles you’ve learned in this book, I encourage you to stay observant, patient, and optimistic. If you take every opportunity you can to turn toward the bids of the people in your life, the rewards of this process will become increasingly more evident, and increasingly easy to achieve. It’s like learning to drive a car. At first it seems that you have to pay attention to an impossible number of details—the speed limit, the center line, the rearview mirror, and so on. But with time, driving well becomes automatic and you can travel safely and efficiently with very little conscious thought.
Practice these principles of bidding and responding and, in time, bonding will become second nature. You’ll feel more deeply connected to those who matter most.
What’s next on
your reading list?