‘All that stuff?’ I was horrified. ‘You used your work with PAT, just to try to get me interested in you? I don’t believe you!’
‘Well, it still helped them, didn’t it – the old dears,’ he tried to defend himself. ‘I did visit them, I was nice to them. Buddy loved it, anyway.’ He gave a snort. ‘But it didn’t work: you still turned me down. Pity. We could’ve had a good thing going, Jess, you and me. I knew you wanted me too. But you were too scared of upsetting your cousin.’
‘Of course I was!’ I said crossly. ‘Anyway, you should have just finished with her, if you didn’t want to see her any more.’
‘I tried to. As soon as I realised about her drinking. But she was hard to shake off.’
‘Shake off?’ I was still sitting there, one arm in my coat sleeve, one arm out, my mouth gaping at this series of shocks. ‘But you even took her away for a weekend!’
‘Yes. To deliver the ultimatum. Even then she wouldn’t admit she had a drink problem.’
‘Well, she has now!’ It was satisfying to see his mouth drop with surprise now. ‘She’s joined AA, and she’s not had a drop since.’
‘Wonders will never cease,’ he said. ‘That calls for another drink.’ He got to his feet again, turning towards the bar.
‘Nick!’
‘What?’ he turned back, looked at the expression on my face, and gave a soft little laugh, shaking his head. ‘You still don’t get it, do you, Jess?’
‘What? What don’t I get?’
‘Me.’ He gave me a long, hard look. ‘I’m an alcoholic, Jess. How do you think I realised so quickly that Ruth had a problem? Why do you think I wanted to drop her like a bag of hot coals as soon as I realised? I’ve been through Alcoholics Anonymous – I’ve done their programme. Been there, got the T-shirt. I was one of their success stories, sober for nearly six years. I couldn’t have gone on with a relationship with Ruth unless she got help for herself. It wouldn’t have been any good for me. It was too hard trying to stay off the booze myself, without having another drinker around me.’ He snorted and shook his head. ‘All those cosy nights at her house when she cooked me dinner and I had to pretend the only reason I couldn’t have a drink was because I was driving – while she pretended she was only having one little glass of wine, and topping her glass up secretly out in the kitchen.’ He looked down at his whisky glass, blinked a couple of times as if he was seeing it for the first time, and swayed slightly where he stood. ‘And the ironic thing is,’ he went on more quietly – and to my horror, his eyes were filling with tears now – ‘the awful irony, Jess, is that I’ve ended up falling off the wagon anyway. When Buddy died I …’ he paused, swallowing, and wiped his hand across his face, ‘I just couldn’t cope without a drink.’
I sat down again. Part of me wanted to give him a hug, tell him I understood – but fortunately the more sensible part of me told me it would not be a good idea. My rage with him had subsided; yes, he’d behaved horribly, but now he was in a bad place, and I didn’t want to join him there, however sorry I felt for him. It was enough that I was taking care of one alcoholic, encouraging her, watching out for her. If I were to get involved with Nick on any level, it would not only hurt Ruth, but it could upset the delicate balance of her own sobriety, to say nothing of our improved relationship. Anyway, I wasn’t sure I could ever quite forgive him for the way he’d used his Pets As Therapy visits to try to impress me.
‘You know what you need to do, Nick,’ I said. ‘Go back to AA. It worked before, it’ll work again. If you continue in this spiral, you’ll—’
‘Oh, what the hell do you know about it? So your cousin’s got herself off the booze and suddenly you’re an expert?’ he spat at me. Prudence, woken from her slumber by the tone of his voice, jumped up and started growling at him again, and now he turned on her: ‘Shut up, dog. You always were a yappy bloody thing—’
‘Right, I’m going,’ I said now, firmly, crossly. I wasn’t about to sit there and let him insult Pru as well as me. I got up again, shrugged my other arm into my coat and got hold of her lead. ‘Thanks for the coffee. And – I’m sorry. Sorry to see you like this. You know I’m sorry about Buddy, but you don’t have to live like this, Nick.’
When I got to the door, I looked back, and he was already back at the bar. He didn’t even turn around. The drink was more important.
‘Come on,’ I said to Prudence as we went out into the dark, cold night. ‘Let’s hurry home.’ I was trying not to cry, and wishing I hadn’t bumped into Nick at all. His confession had stunned me. I’d never have guessed he had a drink problem himself, and I was sure Ruth hadn’t suspected it either. She’d been too busy trying to hide her own problem. I hardly drank at all these days, as it wasn’t fair to Ruth to drink in front of her, but after tonight I didn’t think I’d even be able to face the odd glass of wine without feeling sick.
‘I can’t believe what he said,’ I half-whispered to Prudence as we hurried back along the seafront. ‘All that stuff about wanting me from the first time he met me. He must have just been saying that to wind me up.’
Why? Perhaps he really did like you. Perhaps it was love at first sight.
‘Love? Huh!’ I retorted. ‘That’s rubbish, Pru. I’m not even sure I believe in it any more.’
But it was a long time before I could stop thinking about it. And whenever I thought about it, it made me want to cry. I didn’t really understand why. It just felt so … very sad. I managed to hold it together, though, for long enough to tell Ruth about it the next morning over breakfast. I thought she deserved to know, but I needed to remain calm while I told her, so that I didn’t give myself away.
‘I bumped into Nick last night,’ I said, ‘while I was walking Prudence.’ I watched her face carefully, and added: ‘He was drunk.’
‘Really?’ she said. ‘That’s a surprise.’
‘Yes. I thought you’d want to know, Ruth: we had a conversation. It was a bit bizarre. He told me he’s an alcoholic. He’d been sober for six years when he was going out with you, but since Buddy died he’s started drinking again.’
She stared at me in silence. ‘That’s very hard to hear,’ she said eventually, ‘considering how he treated me.’
‘I know. I’m sorry, perhaps I shouldn’t have told you, but I thought—’
‘No, you’re right, it’s better that I know. Not that I’d ever have been tempted to go back to him, but it’s, well, I suppose it’s completely put the lid on it.’
‘Closure, I think they call it,’ I said, and to my relief, she smiled.
‘Yep. Closure. And … well, I wasn’t going to say anything yet. I didn’t want to jinx it. But I’ve started seeing someone anyway, someone from work. We’ve only had a couple of lunches together, walks through the park, that sort of thing. I don’t want to rush into anything, but I do like him. It’s helping me to feel better about myself.’
I gave her a hug. ‘I’m so pleased.’
‘Yes. Well, we’ll see how it goes. But the good thing is, Ollie doesn’t drink. Medical reasons – he’s diabetic.’ She nodded to herself. ‘I’d never risk going out with a heavy drinker. And I told him straight away, about the AA and everything. He’s being really supportive.’
‘Good for you. He sounds nice.’
‘And what about you?’ she said, giving me a kind of sad look.
‘What about me?’
‘You deserve someone nice too, Jess. Haven’t you met anyone you fancy – at the shop, or doing your therapy visits?’
‘I’m visiting children!’ I laughed. ‘And no, I haven’t, and I’m not bothered. I’m happy as I am. I’ve got Pru.’
‘Yes, but where there are children, there must be some dishy dads around …’ She saw the look on my face and gave me a smile. ‘Never mind. As long as you’re happy.’
‘I am,’ I insisted.
I was working on it, anyway.
CHAPTER 23
The following Wednesday morning, Prudence and I went to visi
t the children of Seashell Ward as usual. It was a quiet day on the ward: a couple of long-term patients had been discharged, which was always good news, although I missed seeing the familiar little faces. There was one new admission, a small pale girl with frightened eyes whose mother was struggling to comfort her, and there was one bed empty, whose occupant was apparently in the operating theatre.
‘Shall I see if the new little girl would like to talk to Prudence?’ I asked Cheryl the ward sister.
‘Yes please, Jess. She’s come in for a tonsillectomy, and she should have been first on the operating list but an emergency came in. It’s a shame when that happens – children really need to go to theatre early, as soon after they arrive as possible, so that they don’t spend too long feeling scared. And so that, all being well, they can go home the same day. Poor Sienna’s getting more distressed the longer she has to wait.’
I took Pru to talk to Sienna’s mum, who was looking almost as upset as her daughter.
‘Talking to Prudence might help to calm her, and take her mind off what’s happening,’ I said, after explaining why we were there.
‘That’s a nice idea.’ She bent to stroke Prudence. ‘Sienna loves animals – don’t you, sweetheart?’
The little girl got up and came to sit down on the carpet next to Pru.
‘Is your doggy having her tonsils out too?’ she asked me, sniffing back tears.
It was tempting to go along with this, but I didn’t think it would be wise, in case she expected Pru to go into theatre with her!
‘No. But she visits children here every week, so she’s used to hearing all about the different operations they have. She’s very good at listening. Why don’t you talk to her about why you’re upset? You can whisper to her, if you prefer.’
Sienna put her arms around Pru’s neck, while I held her still, and I helped her to gently lift one of her silky ears so that Sienna could speak into it.
‘I’m frightened,’ she said in a stage-whisper.
Pru’s ear twitched. ‘She’s listening, see?’ I encouraged the little girl.
‘I don’t want the doctors to cut me open,’ she went on talking into Pru’s ear, giving me an anxious look out of the corner of her eye.
‘Sienna!’ her mother exclaimed. ‘I’ve told you, they’re not going to cut you open! They can reach those nasty tonsils through your mouth, baby!’
With the help of a little gentle pressure from me, Prudence appeared to nod her head, and Sienna looked up at me in surprise.
‘She says that’s right,’ I told her. ‘And you won’t feel a thing because you’ll be fast asleep – isn’t that right, Prudence?’
Again the slight pressure, again the little nod of the head.
By now the child was laughing.
‘She’s talking to me!’
‘Of course she is. She’s good at helping children to be brave. Why don’t you give her a nice stroke and tell her all about what you’re going to do after you go home from hospital.’
Her tears now forgotten, Sienna began to list the treats her mum had promised her, to enjoy during her recovery from the operation: the favourite TV programmes she was recording for her, and the crunchy chocolate cornflake cakes she’d helped Mummy to make the previous day, because the doctor said crunchy food would help her throat to get better. After each item she mentioned, I encouraged Pru to nod her head again, and gave her a little stroke as a reward.
‘Thank you so much,’ Sienna’s mother said later, as she finally prepared to accompany her daughter to the theatre doors. I’d stayed a little longer than usual, to see her off, so that she could wave goodbye to Prudence. ‘She’s completely calmed down now. So have I,’ she added with a quick smile.
‘Good. I’m sure it will all be fine and she’ll feel much better afterwards.’
It had been such a rewarding morning that I’d almost forgotten to be nervous about my afternoon appointment – my first visit to the primary school. Driving back from the hospital, I decided that instead of going straight home, I’d stop off at Stony Cove, give Pru a good run on the beach and call in at the beach café for a coffee. I hadn’t spoken to Kevin since he’d talked so seriously about leaving to stay with his sister, and it had now been quite a bit longer than the two weeks he’d said he would give Dan before going. I was hoping Dan might have dissuaded him at the last minute.
But I soon found out that wasn’t the case. Dan, banging plates and cutlery about moodily as he served me on his own, confirmed that Kevin had indeed gone off ‘in a strop’.
‘It doesn’t seem to bother him that he’s left me in the lurch,’ he complained.
I felt like screaming at him. Couldn’t he see that it was his own fault, that all Kevin needed was some reassurance from him? But Kevin had talked to me in confidence; it wasn’t right for me to start putting my oar in or to take sides in their personal issues.
‘But it’s fairly quiet now, isn’t it?’ I said. ‘It’s not as if he’s taken off during the peak season.’
‘That’s not the point. What about the Christmas market? There’s only two and a half weeks to go!’
I had to admit, I hadn’t given this a thought. As members of the Pennycombe Bay events committee, they not only helped to organise the carnival in September but also the Spring Fayre and the Christmas market, and in fact it was the latter in which the pair of them had taken a leading role during the last few years.
‘Surely it’s all organised by now?’ I said, looking at him anxiously. ‘Isn’t it?’
‘No, Jess! I mean, yes, it’s getting there, but there’s still a lot to sort out, there always is, at the last minute. The others on the committee are all doing their bit, but Kev and I were committed to being in charge of this. He knows that, but he just swans off to his sister’s, taking Missy with him, saying he needs a break. Like he’s the only one who worked hard all summer. And leaving me to finish off all the work.’
‘Are you sure that’s the only reason he’s gone? Because he needs a break?’ I said, watching his face carefully. I couldn’t believe Dan was more concerned about the Christmas market than his relationship with Kevin, which was quite obviously teetering on the brink.
He shook his head, before looking back up at me, and for a moment I thought he was going to say something, perhaps to admit that he’d driven Kevin away, that it was his fault, or that he’d been trying to finish the relationship. I held my breath, hoping it wasn’t going to be that.
‘I’m annoyed with him for taking Missy away with him,’ was all he said. ‘She belongs here, it’s her home. She’ll be pining for me.’
‘She’ll be fine, Dan, as long as she’s with Kevin,’ I said, wishing there was anything more helpful I could add.
He shrugged moodily and turned away abruptly to go out to the kitchen.
‘I’ll bring your coffee over to you,’ he called back over his shoulder.
I took Prudence to a table by the window where I stared out at the sea and sighed to myself. I couldn’t understand what was happening between the two of them and perhaps I shouldn’t even try. But there was one thing I could do.
‘Let me help,’ I said when Dan reappeared with my coffee. ‘With the Christmas market. At least until Kevin gets back. Tell me what needs doing.’
He looked at me in surprise. ‘Are you sure? I must admit, it would be a huge weight off my mind to have someone to share the load. Can we get together one evening, do you think, and I’ll go through everything with you?’
‘Of course.’ We made a date for later that week, and I left feeling glad – but at the same time worried – that this was all it seemed to have taken for him to appear a lot less upset.
Sadly, I was beginning to think Kevin was right. Dan really couldn’t have cared enough about whether he was there or not.
I took Pru home to wash the sand and dirt off her, and let her have a little sleep while I prepared myself for my visit to the school. I was looking forward to it, but now that I was alone in the hous
e with nothing else to occupy my mind, I started to feel nervous again. Out of nowhere, I suddenly had a memory of something my mum used to say to me when I was a little girl and was anxious about something, perhaps the first day of a new school year, or my first time at Brownies.
‘That fluttery feeling you get in your tummy, Jess?’ she’d say, putting her arms round me and stroking my hair. ‘Don’t think of it as nerves. Think of it as excitement, and enjoy it. It helps you to be ready for the new experience, that’s all.’
I learned later, in biology lessons, about adrenaline and the body’s response to stress, and I understood then that feeling stressed is in fact harmful to us, not something to be enjoyed, at all. Mum had simply been trying to help me learn to cope with it and control it.
‘Sorry, Mum,’ I whispered now into the empty room. ‘I never did learn that lesson very well, did I?’
But it was never too late to try. I sat up straight in my chair and made myself smile. Made myself think about Seashell Ward, and how quickly I’d got over the apprehension of my first visit there, how I loved seeing the children now, and looked forward to it every week. I was sure the same would be true of visiting the school. By the time Prudence and I were ready to set off, I’d managed to get into the right frame of mind.
‘Another adventure for us!’ I said to Pru as we arrived at the school gate.
Yes. I’m looking forward to the bit where the children are allowed to stroke me.
‘Be a good girl, then, and sit nice and quietly while they read their stories to you.’
We went to the school reception, where the secretary said she was expecting us and got me to sign in as a visitor, and she then took me round to Mr Phillips’s office. He seemed pleased to see us.
‘Hello again, Jess! And this must be Prudence.’ He crouched down and gave Pru’s head a little rub. ‘Pleased to meet you!’
Prudence wagged her tail enthusiastically and we both laughed.
‘Let me take you to the classroom we’re going to use,’ he said as he led the way along the corridor. ‘The teachers are all very pleased you’re coming. They’ve got together with Mrs Armstrong, our SENCO, to identify the children who—’
The Pet Shop at Pennycombe Bay Page 19