Killing Freedom

by Ryan Casey

  ‘Uhm, about that,’ Brian said. ‘If you ever want to stay, you know… well, we can always put the sofa-bed up. It’s not… it’s not perfect, but I’ve slept on there a few times when I’ve got in late and it does the trick.’

  Jared’s eyes stung as the warmth of the fireplace crept up his goosepimpled skin. Was he dreaming? Everything seemed so perfect. Him and a family. Maybe this was his way out—his way to freedom. Maybe he’d soon have a room of his own. He could introduce them to Faith—they’d understand.

  Or maybe he could just be Richard from now on. Faith didn’t want—didn’t expect—freedom. Maybe this was his chance, his break. She’d always held him back from doing what he really wanted. Jared felt the frog leaping around his dry throat. Maybe it was just the booze.

  Maybe it was more.

  No. He was being stupid. They might’ve seemed like a perfect family, but what were they going to do? Adopt an adult? The real world didn’t work like that. The real world was more complicated.

  But maybe there could be an exception.

  Jared was about to reply when he felt a vibration in his pocket. He apologised. Who would be ringing at this time, aside from Raymond?

  He pulled the phone out, not recognising the number.

  ‘I’ll just—’ Jared said, pointing towards the kitchen as he walked away. Brian and Cindy nodded in approval.

  ‘Hello?’ Jared said, pressing the receiver hard against the side of his face.

  ‘Mr. Colwright, is that you?’

  Jared swung to face the living room again. They were too far away to hear. He couldn’t have some other person giving away his true identity, not now.

  ‘Yes, that’s—that’s me, who is this?’ It sounded busy in the background. There was a buzz of people and voices. How had they got his number, and how did they know his name?

  ‘Good. We didn’t know who to ring and we found your number in her phone. She kept asking for you.’

  Jared took a deep gulp and tried to comprehend the words as they hit his ears. ‘Wait, who—’

  ‘It’s Miss Colwright, Jared. Your sister. She’s… she’s been in an accident. She’s at the hospital now. I’m sorry to deliver this news to you in such a way.’

  Jared pulled the phone away from his ear mechanically and felt the ground open up beneath his feet. He wanted to sink into a hole. Nothing made sense anymore. His thoughts spun and his knees buckled. He heard a voice but he couldn’t quite make sense of it at first.

  Then again. ‘Is everything alright, Richard?’

  He turned to see Cindy poking her head around the door.

  ‘Richard, what’s wrong? You’ve gone… you’ve gone pale. And you’re shaking? Richard, what is it?’

  Jared tried to pluck up the best smile he could before turning towards the door and running outside.

  Chapter Ten

  Jared paced up and down the hospital corridor. Rain splattered against the windows as he kept his head down, trying his best to avoid making eye contact with anyone. His head spun under the weight of everything that had happened: the decision he’d made to kill them, learning that Cindy was pregnant.

  Changing his mind.

  One of the nurses hovered around with a notepad, the omnipresent hum of voices and ringing of nearby phones rattling around Jared’s skull. He reached his arm out at the nurse as she passed by him. ‘Excuse me, have—have you have any idea when I can see my sister? Faith Colwright?’ Jared asked. He slumped his head and avoided looking at her directly, shoving his hands into his pockets.

  The nurse brushed her blonde hair out of her eyes and smiled at him sympathetically. ‘Miss Colwright is a bit roughed up right now. It might be best if you left it a little lon—’

  ‘No, I want to see her now,’ Jared insisted. Some guests waiting on nearby chairs look up at him as he shouted. A man shook his head and rolled his eyes. ‘I need to see her now. Can you do that for me?’

  The nurse looked down at the floor and let out an impatient huff. ‘Look, you can go in and see her, but it’s not the prettiest sight. She’s been beaten up really badly, and she hasn’t been awake for long. Just go easy on her, okay?’

  She was awake. She was going to be okay.

  The nurse pointed over to the room where Faith was being kept.

  ‘Thank you,’ Jared muttered, catching her eye for the first time in the exchange before rushing towards Faith’s room.

  Dim bedside lights lit up the little side-room as Jared entered. Faith was propped up on against the headboard of the bed, a mountain of pillows to support her. Tubes wormed into her nostrils, the pale skin on her forehead a yellowing-purple. As Jared moved further into the room, Faith began to tilt her head towards him. Her left eye was puffed up twice its usual size, her eyebrow completely swallowing her eye socket so it was barely visible. There were stitches across the side of her head that continued through her hair. Angry red circles peppered her arms, the open flesh still visible. Faith attempted a shaky smile as Jared approached, her lips flaky in the corners.

  ‘Hello, sis,’ Jared said, leaning and crouching beside her bed. His hand shook as he watched her lying there, trying to keep the smile on his face, trying to keep his cool.

  ‘Hi,’ she said. ‘Jared, I’m okay…’

  Jared jolted his gaze towards the floor as a heaviness grew in his throat. If he’d just found a way to get her out—to get them both out—then this never would have happened. None of this would ever have happened.

  ‘Faith, I’m so sorry,’ he said.

  She lifted her weary, frail hand and rested it in his palm. ‘You don’t be sorry,’ she said. ‘Not your fault… don’t be sorry.’

  ‘But it is my fault, Faith,’ Jared said. ‘If—if I looked after you better, if I’d been there for you and watched your back instead of getting so tied up in my own shit, we wouldn’t be here.’ His voice was weak and strained. The gun still dug into his leg inside his pocket.

  Faith gently squeezed his hand, clearing away the mucus from her throat. ‘You’ve done everything for me… always look after me. You do your best.’

  Jared thought back to the evening with Brian and Cindy. The relaxation in his muscles, the dream-esque quality of it all. In that moment, sat in their lounge in front of the television, he could’ve given up everything and run away from things forever, even Faith.

  Now here she was, lying in a hospital bed.

  He tightened his hand around hers. ‘Sis, I promise you—look at me—I promise you that I’m going to get us both out of this mess. I promise you that I’m going to kill whoever did this to you and I’m going to get us out of this. Who—who did it?’

  A tear crept down Faith’s cheek as she looked at him with a disapproving stare. ‘It’s just men, Jared,’ she said. ‘It’s done. I—we carry on.’ She attempted a smile but her chapped lips cracked with the strain.

  Jared bashed his head against the edge of the bed and let out a low groan as he clenched his eyelids together. All these years, all of this struggling. And for what? He thought about Raymond, sitting at home supping on his whiskey, waiting to receive the phone call from Jared. ‘Have you done it?’ he’d ask. No. No, he hadn’t done it.

  And then Raymond would say something else and it would all make sense again.

  He closed his eyes and rested his head on the side of the bed, listening to the sound of Faith’s wheezy breaths as she inhaled and exhaled, inhaled and exhaled.

  A shiver shot down Jared’s neck. How long had he…?

  He opened his eyes: a male and female nurse stood either side of the bed looking down at him as he kept gentle hold of his sister’s hand. Sunlight peeked through the rectangular window next to the hospital bed, gradually engulfing Faith’s sleeping body with warmth.

  Jared shot to his feet, wiping the saliva from his cheeks. ‘I’ll be getting off soon,’ he said to the nurses. ‘Can I just say goodbye?’

  The pair nodded and shrugged their shoulders before shuffling their way out of the
room and into the busyness of the corridor.

  Jared turned back to Faith. Her chest rose and fell. Like on mum’s knee, when they were younger.

  Rising and falling.

  Her eye didn’t look as angry this morning, the tennis ball-sized swelling easing off as time passed. The blackcurrant purple of the bruise was starting to turn a morbid green and yellow, though, and the stitches on the side of her head were unavoidable.

  Jared dropped to his knees again and kissed Faith on the back of her hand. He leaned in towards her ear. ‘Faith, I know you want what’s best for me and what’s best for you, and I think I’ve found it.’ He closed her fingers into a fist and kissed them again. ‘I can’t promise anything but I might have found a way out. A—a nice family. They’ve got a kid, and another on the way. They can help us get back on our feet. Just for now, you know?’

  Jared paused and raised to his feet. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and switched it on as he walked towards the door. He looked over at Faith’s body, hardly present under the thickness of the duvet.

  ‘Bye, sis,’ he said, before walking out of the room and towards the exit. He dialed Raymond’s number and lifted the phone to his ear.

  After three chimes, he answered.

  ‘Hello, Jared! How’s things?’ Raymond asked, celebratory in his tone.

  Jared closed his eyes, his lip quivering. ‘We need to talk, Raymond. There’s some complications we need to go over.’

  He was round at Raymond’s within the hour. Raymond grinned at Jared as he opened the door and ushered him inside, almost as if the phone conversation just moments earlier hadn’t taken place.

  ‘Glass of wine?’ Raymond asked, pouring for himself. It splashed back against his shirt, a little too much tumbling out of the bottle.

  ‘No thanks,’ Jared said, walking over to Raymond’s window. He looked out at the sun as it rose from behind the buildings. The city was only just waking up, and Raymond already had the wine bottle out. The thought of the sickly taste of fermented grapes made Jared want to heave. He’d had too much to drink last night, more than he was accustomed to.

  Raymond waltzed around the kitchen area, whistling and smiling. Still no mention or acknowledgement of their phone call earlier. ‘Like my new shirt?’ he asked, pointing towards the orange and brown flower print.

  ‘It’s cool,’ Jared said, scratching his hands. He had to say something. He had to confront him.

  ‘It is,’ Raymond said, staring at Jared as he gulped down some wine. ‘It’s cool, isn’t it?’ He dropped the glass on the worktop and leaned over towards his laptop, clicking a few keys. ‘So, you say there have been a few little complications?’ He remained distant, his eyes firmly focused on his computer screen, as if the ‘complications’ were the last thing on his plate.

  Jared cleared his throat. ‘Yeah, there’s—it’s just a few problems I’m not sure I… not sure I can deal with right now.’

  Raymond glanced over the top of his laptop at Jared. ‘Personal stuff? Or to do with the job?’

  Jared looked down at his feet. ‘It’s—both. But, the job. I—’

  ‘Tell me about it. I gave you until tomorrow, but you’re usually much quicker with this stuff. What’s up, son?’

  Jared squeezed his eyes together and cleared his throat again. ‘I… I was ready to do it. I was about to do it. I had—have—my gun.’ He tapped his pocket. ‘I’d spiked the wine.’

  Raymond laid his hands in front of him with a humoured grin on his face. ‘So, what happened, kid? You can let it out, don’t worry.’

  Jared paused and took another deep breath as his heart clattered against his ribcage. ‘We—we were sitting round, getting ready to drink… and then Cindy—the woman—the woman said she was pregnant. And… I guess I just choked. Like I was possessed and I just couldn’t do it.’

  Raymond stared at Jared for a moment, before closing his eyes and shaking his head. He lifted the glass of wine to his mouth, swilled a mouthful of it around his cheeks, and gulped it down.

  ‘Always the kids, eh?’ Raymond said.

  Jared nodded. ‘I guess.’

  Raymond strutted over to the sink and rinsed out the half-empty wine glass, pouring the remnants of it down the plughole. ‘You see, I sympathise with you kid, I really do. It’s not nice what you do. Fuck—I probably couldn’t do it.’

  Jared hunched his shoulders. He didn’t mind being in the spotlight sometimes but not in this way. Not… as an ‘other.’

  Raymond filled the wine glass with water, steam rising from the sink as it covered his reddening hands. He rinsed the glass out then filled it with water again, and again. ‘I just don’t see what you’re trying to propose here.’

  Jared’s throat began to close around his words. It didn’t feel right, him stood here, standing up to Raymond like this. He swore it wouldn’t happen again after last time. ‘I—I guess I’m just wondering if they can… well, if there’s a way round this? I can get you the money, it’s just… well, do they have to die?’

  Raymond sighed and stared out of the window. His hands were submerged in the hot water now, the glass overflowing as the tap powered into it. He flinched, suddenly noticing the pain in his hands, and pulled them out of the sink, wiping them with a tea-towel. ‘So, what you’re actually asking me is if you can let them get away with what they’ve done to me?’ He looked directly at Jared now with his wide eyes. His top lip shook.

  Jared tried to hold Raymond’s gaze. Hold focus. It showed confidence, self-assurance. His eyes twitched free after two seconds. ‘I don’t want them to get away, but—’

  ‘It’s her isn’t it?’ Raymond asked, nodding and smiling. ‘You’ve fallen for the girl, eh?’

  Jared felt like a child in the playground having a big secret exposed. Had he fallen for Cindy? It didn’t feel that way, inside. It was more the warmth he had fallen for. The sitting in front of the television with a smile on his face, not having to worry about anything.

  The warmth.

  ‘Not her so much,’ Jared said. ‘Maybe just—’

  Raymond rolled his eyes and chuckled. ‘So now it’s the fucking women,’ he said. ‘First children, now women. You’re getting fucking complacent, kid. It’s not your job to question these things.’

  Jared clenched his jaw. ‘Maybe it’s not my job…’ he muttered under his breath.

  Raymond upturned his eyebrows. ‘What was that? Speak up. What did you just say?’

  Jared shifted his focus outside of the window as adrenaline pumped through his body. ‘It’s just—maybe it’s time for me to… I dunno, take a break.’

  Raymond was silent. Not a nice silence that you experienced in good company: a deafening silence that screamed out and echoed against every wall as it dragged on and on.

  Jared turned to look at Raymond; he was completely still.

  ‘You what?’ he said. His eyes were red and watery.

  ‘I just… I think maybe now could be a good time for me to stop this job,’ Jared repeated, this time more assertively. He tried to stare at Raymond, but he couldn’t stop himself blinking.

  Raymond’s jaw twitched. He closed his eyes and smiled, taking a hearty breath in through his nostrils. ‘I get it, kid,’ he said. ‘Believe me, I get it. I just never thought you’d get to this stage.’ He walked over towards the cupboard with the washed wine glass, reaching up to the top shelf.

  ‘I appreciate everything, Raymond, really,’ Jared said. ‘But these people… They’re okay, I guess. They have stability, and—and they’ve… they’ve made me realise what I want. I can get you your money, just—’

  Raymond jolted round to face Jared. His jaw was vibrating wildly now, a rabid look in his eyes. ‘You think they’ll take you in? You think they’ll take you in and want you, eh?’

  Jared averted his eyes around the room. ‘Maybe not take me in, but—’

  Raymond stepped up towards him. ‘Okay, okay—you want to go live with them? Or you want to go start a family of you
r own, hmm? That’s cool. You should just know how fucking ungrateful you are, you fucking… you fucking ungrateful slave.’

  Jared froze. He needed to get away. Escape from this room and walk in again and pretend nothing had happened.

  Instead, he was stood here, completely exposed. There was no escaping from that.

  ‘Please Raymond, don’t—’

  Raymond charged towards him and shoved something against his chest. ‘Don’t you dare think you can fucking give me orders.’

  Jared looked down and saw a gun in Raymond’s hands. He looked back into Raymond’s focused eyes. He wouldn’t, would he? After everything?

  ‘You don’t give me orders, okay? I offer you everything. I offered you my fucking empire, and you throw it back in my face for some poxy family life.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Raymond, it’s just—’

  ‘I’ll tell you what it’s “just.” I’ll tell you how it’s going to be.’ He dropped the gun back to his side. ‘You do as I say, or I hunt you and your sister down. You don’t get a choice in this, Jared.’

  ‘Your sister…’

  Jared flinched, a tightness growing in his throat. He had to look after her. He had to protect her, so fragile and vulnerable.

  ‘No, wait,’ Raymond continued, waving his gun in the air. ‘I’ll give you one choice though, okay? Because I’m a fucking reasonable guy like that. Okay? Okay. You can choose this stupid fucking fantasy and live happy families with this lot, or you can do your job and we can forget this little hurdle. If you choose them though, that’s it. I’ll hunt you down. My men will hunt you down, and they’ll do your job for you. The guy, the girl… the kid. We’ll make it as painful and as stretched out as possible so that when I do finally pop a gun to the side of their head, they’ll be begging me to fucking kill them.’

  Jared prayed, hoping to disappear. He’d let Raymond down. ‘Stupid fucking fantasy.’ That’s all it was.

  ‘And your sister,’ Raymond said. ‘I’ll make sure she gets sorted out with a new job.’ He licked his lips and raised his eyebrows.