She glanced down at the purplish scars covering his hands and forearms. They were ugly and a constant reminder of his failure. He flinched when she reached out and traced one scar with her fingertips.
“From what I can see, you did try to save them. You should wear these scars like a badge of courage,” she said.
He blinked, his throat suddenly clogged with emotion. He coughed and took a quick sip of apple juice from a flask she had set nearby. He finally spoke softly, feeling as if his voice wasn’t his own. “I... I tried but I was too late. I found Sam in the barn. All he would say was that it was his fault. I figured he must have been playing with matches again.”
Becca cringed and he wished he’d never told her. This wasn’t light conversation. They should be laughing and talking about simple, inconsequential things like the weather, the school and things going on in their community. Not the death of his familye.
She released a little sound of sympathy. “I’m so sorry, Jesse. But surely you understand you must forgive yourself and Sam for what happened. If you’ll let it, the Atonement of Jesus Christ can wash away any pain you might feel over losing your familye. And Sam needs you now more than ever.”
He agreed but forgiveness was easier said than done. In his heart, he knew what she said was true. And finally, because of her, he’d had the courage to pray and seek strength from the Lord. It was time, wasn’t it? But forgive himself? He wasn’t sure he could ever do that.
“It’s taken me a long time to admit it, but it wasn’t Sam’s fault. He was only five at the time. Barely old enough to understand what he was doing,” he said with a heavy sigh.
“Have you told Sam that?” she asked.
Jesse went very still, his mind frozen in thought. No, he hadn’t. But maybe he should.
“Perhaps that’s why Sam doesn’t speak,” she said. “Because he blames himself, just like you do. You know, your vadder was too stern with you but you don’t have to be that way with Sam. You’re not your vadder. You are your own man. A gut man of Gott.”
He didn’t know what to say. No, he wasn’t his father. He could be different. He could be a better man. Couldn’t he? But he sure didn’t feel like a good man. Not in a very long time.
He looked at her, thinking he shouldn’t have told her so many personal things. He’d laid his heart bare. As he gazed into her eyes, he felt locked there. Mesmerized by the deep blue of her beautiful eyes. And before he knew what was happening, he leaned close and kissed her. A soft, gentle caress that made him feel alive and happy for a brief moment in time.
She breathed his name on a sigh and lifted her hand to place it against his chest. Her palm felt warm and he wished they could stay like that forever. But the contact was like lightning and he jerked away.
“I... I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken liberties. I apologize for my actions,” he said.
She looked away, her cheeks filled with heightened color. “I’m sorry too. I know how much you love your wife.”
He came to his feet, glancing around to discover if anyone had seen his shameful actions. Thankfully, no one seemed to have noticed...except for Sam. The boy stood beside the creek a short distance away, his eyes wide with confusion. And suddenly, Jesse felt as if he and his son were the only two people there. For several long, pounding moments, Sam just looked at his father. And then, the child turned and ran to the back of the schoolhouse where Jesse couldn’t see him anymore.
Oh, no! What had Jesse done? He felt the familiar weight of guilt settling inside his chest again. No doubt, he had upset Sam with his actions. After all, Becca wasn’t the boy’s mother. And he couldn’t believe he’d been so disloyal to Alice. Why had he kissed Becca? She wasn’t the love of his life. She wasn’t his wife and never could be.
“I... I think I had better go and check on Sam. Danke for the delicious supper,” he said, turning away.
Becca stopped him, coming to her feet as she handed him a pie tin of peach cobbler. He caught the sweet aroma of sugar and cinnamon. The oatmeal crust looked golden, bubbly and cooked to perfection.
“Here, take this with you. You paid a steep price and should have all of your meal. I hope you and Sam enjoy it,” she said.
He took the plate, holding it with both hands. Feeling numb and empty inside. And as he walked away, he knew he had another huge problem on his hands. One that he’d never thought would trouble him again for as long as he lived.
He was in love with Becca Graber. In spite of fighting his own emotions, he knew it with every fiber of his being. She was like a breath of fresh air after being locked inside a cave for a year. And yet, he couldn’t act on it. Never again. Because his devotion to Sam and Alice must come first. He couldn’t betray his sweet wife’s memory by loving someone else. Nor could he disappoint Sam, who was still missing his mother. Not after all that had happened. No doubt the boy saw this as a betrayal to his mother. Jesse felt the same way and was disgusted by his actions. He could never let down his guard with Becca again. No sir, not ever.
Chapter Thirteen
The following week, Becca returned to Jesse’s house to tutor Sam as usual. Except this time, she felt more cautious than ever. Jesse had kissed her, or she had kissed him, she wasn’t sure which. She was certain of one thing. It had been a mistake. Jesse still loved his wife and Becca had chosen a career in teaching. She wasn’t about to be sidetracked. Vernon had played with her emotions often enough, holding her hand and declaring his love just days before he’d ended their engagement. It had all been a lie. He’d been leading her on for over a year because he didn’t know how to break things off with her. And all that time, she’d allowed herself to believe he really cared. But after she’d learned the truth, she’d promised herself she’d never fall into that kind of trap again. She couldn’t trust men to be honest with her. It was that simple.
On the ride to Jesse’s farm, Sam didn’t speak. He frowned and wouldn’t meet her gaze. After witnessing his father kissing her and then running away, she feared he might not like her anymore. He’d been overly withdrawn at school all day and she thought he must be angry with her. And she couldn’t blame him. No doubt he thought she was trying to usurp his mother’s place. Because he didn’t talk a lot, she dreaded asking him about it. Since she’d be leaving town soon, it didn’t really matter but she’d rather part as friends.
“Are you ready for your lessons?” she asked as they climbed out of her buggy and she carried her book bag up the steps. She was trying to act normal.
He nodded and opened the door so she could come inside. The kitchen looked orderly, no dirty dishes in the sink. There was nothing cooking on the stove for supper but it was early yet.
“I wonder where your vadder is.” She set her bag on a chair and removed her black traveling bonnet.
Sam pointed toward the barn. No doubt Jesse was still working. It was just as well. Maybe she could finish Sam’s lessons and depart before Jesse came inside. Then they wouldn’t have to speak. They could forget the kiss ever happened and go on with their lives as usual.
“Ach, let’s get started then,” she urged.
As she pulled out a chair, she eyed the boy surreptitiously. He didn’t look at her as he placed his reading book, note paper and pencil on the table and promptly sat down to wait. Hmm. Was he avoiding her? Maybe he was more upset than she thought.
They went through their normal routine with one exception. Sam didn’t speak to her in his usual soft whisper. Not even once. And when they finished their studies, she slid her own books into her bag and looked at Sam, thinking what she could say to ease the tension between them.
“Sam, I hope you’re not upset with me. I’m so sorry if I’ve done anything to hurt your feelings. I know how much you love your mudder. And no one will ever take her place. She’ll always be your mudder. I just want to be your friend,” she said.
He peered at her with his big, round ey
es before finally nodding. And though he didn’t speak, she knew his body language well enough to believe he’d accepted her apology. But oh! How desperately she wished he would smile again. He looked so gloomy that she wanted to cheer him up.
“I’ll tell you what. Before I leave, why don’t we play a game of hide-and-seek just for fun? Would you like that?” She hoped he agreed. She’d seen him playing with Andy at recess and thought he enjoyed the game. In dealing with children, she’d learned that if she could make them smile, they seemed to trust her more willingly. And that was her goal now. To win back his trust.
“All right, do you want to count and be the seeker, or would you rather hide first?” she asked.
He covered his eyes with his hands to indicate he’d like to be the seeker.
“Ach, the kitchen table can be our home base. Close your eyes and count to one hundred. And no peeking.” She laughed as he ducked his head over his arms. Because he didn’t make any sound, she wasn’t sure if he was counting but realized she had better get moving.
Hopping up from the table, she hurried into the living room and looked for a place to hide. She ended up crouching behind the sofa. Within moments, she heard him step over the threshold from the kitchen. She waited, holding her breath. When she thought he’d moved away from her, she bolted toward the kitchen...and ran smack-dab into Jesse’s chest.
“Oh!” she cried, looking up into his startled gaze.
“What are you doing?” he asked, seeming just as surprised as she was.
Beyond him, she saw Sam standing in the kitchen doorway. His eyes were round with confusion.
“I... I was playing hide-and-seek with Sam. I thought you were him coming to catch me,” Becca said.
She gazed at the damp hair that curled around Jesse’s face. He’d removed his straw hat and held it in one hand. As was his normal routine, he must have washed out in the barn. To catch herself, she’d lifted a hand to clasp his upper arm and felt his solid bicep beneath her palm. She caught his scent, a mixture of clean hay and horses. And then, thinking how odd the situation must seem to Jesse, she burst out laughing.
“Ahem!”
In unison, they both turned and got another shock. Bishop Yoder stood just inside the front door. His bushy eyebrows were drawn together in a deep frown and his piercing gaze was pinned on them. Recovering her senses, Becca released Jesse’s arm and stepped back fast, putting some distance between them. What must the bishop think, seeing them like this? She could only imagine. She blinked and felt her face flood with heat.
“I’m sorry to interrupt but I knocked twice. You didn’t seem to hear me, so I came inside,” the bishop said.
Jesse tossed his hat on the coffee table. Lifting a hand, he stepped over to greet the bishop.
“Ja, komm in. Komm in!” Jesse welcomed him with a smile but Becca could tell from his tensed shoulders that he was just as nervous as she was.
The bishop shut the front door and removed his black felt hat. He wore his frock coat, which indicated he was there on official church business. Becca couldn’t help wondering what that was and she hoped it wasn’t serious.
Looking straight at her, the bishop’s eyes were unblinking as he asked her a pointed question. “Miss Graber, what are you doing here?”
She almost groaned out loud. Instead, she swallowed hard, knowing how this must look. Why did Bishop Yoder have to walk in on them just now? Why couldn’t he have come earlier, when she was sitting primly at the kitchen table with Sam as they went over his studies? Why did he have to see her laughing and touching Jesse in a most improper way?
She opened her mouth to explain but no sound came out. She felt muddled and tongue-tied.
Jesse cleared his throat. “Miss Graber tutors Sam several afternoons each week, to help with his speaking problem.”
Bishop Yoder’s forehead crinkled as he thought this over. “I knew Miss Graber was tutoring Sam but I had no idea she was coming here to your home to do it. It isn’t proper for a young, single woman to be coming here like this.”
Oh, dear. The bishop didn’t need to enlarge on the issue. Becca knew what he was thinking. She was the schoolteacher and must set a good example for the Amish children under her tutelage. When she’d started tutoring Sam, she hadn’t thought that it might look bad for her to come here several afternoons each week. Even her familye members knew she was here and no one had ever suggested that it wasn’t right. And everything would have probably been fine, except that the bishop had seen her behaving in a silly, unladylike manner. Not like the proper schoolteacher she was trying to portray.
“Becca has been nothing but proper while she’s been here in my house. And Sam’s schoolwork has greatly improved because of her efforts. She has been very generous with her time,” Jesse said.
Oh, bless him for defending her. Becca was beyond grateful but feared it wouldn’t help. Not this time. The bishop was a kind, nonjudgmental man but he was still the leader of their Gmay. The situation was bad enough that it could cause her to lose her teaching recommendation and she’d never be given another assignment again.
“I’m sorry, Bishop Yoder. I meant no harm. You see, I was playing hide-and-seek with Sam. I thought Jesse was him and I bumped into him and...” Her words trailed off. She was babbling and making no sense. What good would it do to try and explain? She knew how it looked and it wasn’t good.
The silence was deafening as the bishop studied both her and Jesse for several long, torturous moments. The church elder’s steely gray eyes were unblinking as he considered her. She waited with bated breath, not daring to say another word that might make matters worse.
“I trust this will never happen again,” the bishop finally said.
Becca shook her head and quickly reassured him. “Ne, I won’t come here alone again. In fact, Sam and I were finished for the night. School is almost out and... I was just leaving.”
“Gut. Your lessons here are finished. You can tutor Sam at school from now on.”
Though the bishop spoke gently, his words were an order, not a request.
She nodded and he watched as she hurried to the kitchen, gathered up her things and fled out the back door.
Jesse watched her go, his expression pensive. She knew how serious the situation was. It was no laughing matter. If the bishop thought there was any impropriety, both she and Jesse could find themselves shunned for any number of weeks deemed appropriate by the church elders.
As she hopped into her buggy and directed the horse down the lane, she glanced over and saw Sam standing on the back porch watching her. She lifted a hand to wave at him but he didn’t respond. And as she drove home, three things troubled her mind. First, she worried that Sam hadn’t fully forgiven her for seeming to usurp his mother’s place. And it was beyond mortifying to her that the child might think she was making a play for his father. Because she wasn’t. Not at all.
Second, she feared her teaching recommendation might now be in jeopardy. And she needed that to secure another position in the fall.
And third, she hoped she hadn’t just created a huge problem for Jesse. After all, she was a young, unmarried woman and innocent to the world. But Jesse was a father and a widower and the bishop might hold him to a higher standard. She didn’t want him to get into trouble because of her. Because she loved them, all she wanted was for him and Sam to be happy.
Maybe it was a good thing the school year was almost over and she’d be leaving town. It was for the best. Wasn’t it? So, why did the thought of never seeing Jesse and Sam again make her feel even worse?
* * *
Except for Church Sunday and a few glimpses on the playground when he was dropping Sam off and picking him up from school, Jesse didn’t see Becca again for two weeks. Two long weeks of worrying about her. He’d wrestled with the idea of going over to her cousin’s farm to speak with her but knew that could only make matters
worse. And what would he say to her? That he loved her but couldn’t offer her any promises because of his devotion to his dead wife? Not to mention Sam, who was still missing his mother and sisters too.
And now, the end-of-year program was here. It was the last day of school. After today, Jesse wouldn’t see Becca again. He’d been told that she was leaving in a couple of days. Returning to her familye in Ohio until she could find another teaching position.
Jesse parked his horse and buggy in the main schoolyard, then helped Sam hop down. Other parents were arriving with their kids and they greeted him. He waved, thinking how they had welcomed him and Sam into their community. The men had taken him with them to the livestock auctions and he now had four beautiful draft horses and another milk cow. They’d been kind to him and he felt almost relaxed around them now.
With his head down, Sam walked silently beside him as they entered the schoolhouse. While Sam went to sit at his desk, Jesse stood at the back of the room with the other parents. The bishop was there and gave him a friendly nod, not showing any sign that he was upset with him in the least. Becca stood beside her desk, rifling through some papers. Because he knew her well, the heightened color in her face told him she was slightly flustered. But to everyone else, she looked completely composed and in control.
She set the papers aside on her desk and stood up straight, her hands folded in front of her, a genuine smile on her face. “Guder mariye, scholars.”
“Guder mariye,” the children responded in unison.
Becca looked at the parents. Her gaze clashed then locked with his. In that brief moment of time, he saw what he thought was a painful longing in her eyes. But then it was gone and he thought he must have imagined it.
The Amish Teacher's Dilemma and Healing Their Amish Hearts Page 33