by LJ Evans
A lot of Saturday nights, there was a big group of high schoolers partying out at the lake just like there had been with Wade and Blake, or you and Paul. But instead, Matt and Keith had kind of taken over as the party kings. We were all the cool juniors and seniors now. Seemed strange, somehow to have Mia there as a freshman looking to all of us to learn the ways of the lake-going teenagers.
But it was at these parties that I realized probably the worst thing for me about Seth was that he drove my risk-taking side to its peak. He was always daring me to do something. Drive his motorcycle, beat him to the dock, swing from a tree, drink more beers in sixty seconds than him, etc. Sometimes I went along with it. Sometimes I didn’t. Drinking really wasn’t my thing, but with Seth, I found that when I drank, I could forget about you. Especially if I was drinking and then Seth was kissing me. You were really far from my head on those days. But truth be told, I didn’t like the out-of-control feeling I had drinking. Like I wouldn’t quite be able to stop anything that happened to me, and with Seth… that could be anything. So, it was a scary challenge. An adrenaline rush of its own.
The other bad thing about Seth was that when he was drinking, he could be particularly snarly. He was anyway. Snarly. Especially with the guys. All the guys kind of kept their distance from him, especially if he had a drink in his hand, because they could say “dude,” and he would see it as a challenge. It was usually me kissing him that would bring him back down. None of the guys, Wynn, nor Mia quite understood why I was with him. But it was exactly because he wasn’t the gentleman you were. He wasn’t a nice Southern boy. He was different. And at that point, I needed different.
So, he was snarly when he drank. The biggest problem was that he drank a lot. He could put away more beer in an hour than I’d ever seen anyone do. Most of the time, you couldn’t tell he was drunk other than the fact that he became really obstinate and ornery. He didn’t lose motor control or puke or do goofy things that most Southern drunk boys did. He held it really well, except that his leash was even shorter than normal, meaning it was miniscule.
One Saturday in early April, I’d had a few beers myself and was chatting with Keith when Seth joined me, drink in one hand. He hated me chatting with the other guys. It was like I was challenging him. Or they were. Or both. But I’d been more boy than girl my whole life so I got along better with the guys in my group of friends. Seth saw that too. But he didn’t like it. He’d always find some way to take possession of me.
This Saturday, he pulled at my elbow, and said “Let’s race.”
I didn’t really trust him in the water at this point. Wasn’t sure I trusted myself either, but I didn’t feel like ebbing his flame into a full-blown fire. So, I let him pull me out to the lake. We stripped down. Him to his tighty-whities, me to the bikini that I almost always wore under my clothes to the lake these days because of times like these. We raced to the dock and clumsily climbed out of the water, heavy with exertion and the buzz we both were feeling.
“What do you see in that gay guy?” he asked.
“Keith? He isn’t gay,” I said even though I knew he was. I also knew there was no way Keith wanted anyone in high school to know that.
Seth laughed his cruel laugh. “Sure he is, shall I go ask him?”
I caught my breath. I knew that if I made a big deal out of this, Seth would easily take the challenge and go announce to everyone on the beach that Keith was gay. He’d add some nonsense to it, like Keith having made a pass at him or something, just to make it seem more real and exciting because Seth wasn’t afraid to cheat to win. I wasn’t sure how to proceed without challenging him either way. I tried to just let it die away.
Then Seth caught sight of the cliff overhanging the lake. The cliff that, all those years ago, you’d so angrily made me promise never to jump off of, and even in the night, I could swear I saw his blue eyes glimmer.
“Dive queen, I’ll make a deal with you. You dive with me off the cliff, and I’ll keep quiet about your friend’s sexual tendencies.”
My heart did a flip flop. Just thinking about the cliff could make me feel you shaking me. I could still hear you begging me never to jump off of it again. But right then, I felt like I was on another cliff. A cliff that had its own adrenaline pull, and its own dangers. Plus, I’d had enough to drink to not want to think about you and promises I’d made to you. Seth took my silence as fear.
“Scared?” Seth laughed scornfully.
“No,” I said shaking my head because I was never scared, and to hell if he thought I was. Well, I was only scared when it came to you.
“Then jump with me.”
He pulled my wrist, and it hurt. I tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let me. He pulled me into the water, and when he let me go, I followed him toward the cliff. Some of me felt like I didn’t have a choice. Some of me was pushing at the image of you and wanting to hurt you. Some of me just liked being crazy and alive for those moments I did the insane with him.
My heart was pounding as I climbed behind him. Not sure if I’d be able to do this. To break my promise to you. When we reached the top, I grabbed Seth and kissed him hard. He kissed me back, pulling at the string on my bikini top that I’d double knotted on purpose. He cursed at it, but I just pushed him away.
We stood there, eyeing each other, breathing hard from the swimming, the climbing, and the kissing. “God, I’m a little sick of this,” he said and walked to the edge of the cliff.
“You gonna jump or wuss out?” he said, looking back at me. I stared at him and then stomped my way to the edge to join him. I looked down. It really wasn’t that far. The first time I’d jumped, it had looked like a million feet. Now, it looked almost too close.
“Take the leap, Cam. Let everything else go. It’s worth it,” his voice had lost some of its hostility. Instead, it had a silky, seductive tone to it. Before I could decide, he pushed me.
Thank God I had my diving experience. I tucked myself up and hit the water as smooth as glass, but also hit the bottom hard on my rear. It hurt, but at least I didn’t break anything. When I surfaced, he was laughing, and before I could stop him, he jumped too. He had to have hit the bottom harder than me because he wasn't as graceful or experienced as I was, but when he came up, he was all smiles. He kissed me hard, and then we swam to shore.
There, Keith and Matt were waiting for us. Matt pushed Seth on the shoulder, “You asshole, you could have killed her.”
Seth doubled up his fist and leaned forward, but I stepped in between them. “I chose to jump,” I lied.
“Bullshit!” Matt said angry.
I could feel the rage in Seth behind us. He was begging someone to let him let it loose, and I didn’t really want it to be Matt because as much as Matt had muscle, Matt had a code, and Seth didn’t. Seth would slaughter him.
“You calling her a liar?” Seth asked, pushing at me, but I held my ground.
“It doesn’t matter,” I turned and pushed Seth away. “Let’s get out of here.”
I kept pushing him until he grabbed me and kissed me hard. Sometimes I thought he knew that he would do something terrible if he let his anger out, and he chose to do the kissing instead. After my lips felt thoroughly slaughtered and abused, I pulled him to the Jeep.
By the time we got in, I was sober. Dead sober. So, I drove us home.
♫ ♫ ♫
You were pissed. You’d heard about my jump off the cliff. Probably from Matt or Mia. It didn’t matter. You texted me a text that I knew you’d done with eyes that deep, deep pond color. It said two words: “You promised.” I knew just exactly how angry you were.
I also knew I was in the wrong. I think that made me crosser. I responded with six words: “You don’t control my life anymore.” I could imagine you getting that text. I could almost imagine the tone in your voice to be the deep one that you’d used with Brittney the day she wouldn’t get in the car after you’d flung me back inside.
Your response was th
at it wouldn’t be a life if I kept putting it at risk and that you’d personally come lock me in the closet if I kept up this insane behavior. I dared you to try. And then I stopped looking at your texts. They kept coming, and I just turned the phone off.
I knew I was wrong and just didn’t care anymore. Or more exactly, I didn’t want to care anymore. And maybe, subconsciously, I was hoping you’d come home and lock me in the closet. At least you’d be home, right? At least you’d be touching me for the few minutes it would take you to wrestle me into that dark space. And maybe…maybe I could swing it so that you stayed in the dark space with me.
After the cliff incident, though, I was a little wary of Seth. After all, he had pushed me. Before, I’d always felt that even though he was wild and took chances, that he wouldn’t do anything to purposely hurt me. I wasn’t so sure anymore, and that caused us to fight even more. Mostly on the phone at night when he sounded drunk or drugged or something. When he’d see me at school in the morning, he’d kiss the hell out of me and apologize. He said he was just f’d up. That life had f’d him up, and that I was his breath of fresh air. His bird in the cage he wanted to set free. But really, I thought maybe, he wanted to set himself free.
But as April turned into May, the cool Seth hardly ever surfaced any more. He seemed more the drunk, angry, tortured Seth, and it made me a little nervous. On the Thursday before prom, I drove over to his grandparents’ after dive practice. I found him in his barn, and he’d completely destroyed the bird in the cage statue. It was scattered in pieces all around the workbench, and he was hammering out something new in metal. He’d known I was coming. I’d called and told him. So, it scared me a little. Because he’d known I’d see it and because he’d told me the bird was me, right? But I also was angry that he’d destroyed something so beautiful. Something he’d put so much effort into.
“Damn it Seth, that was stunning. And you destroyed it.”
He laughed coldly, stared right into my eyes and said, “I destroy everything in the end.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way,” I said, and I tried to touch his arm, but he pushed me off.
“Right. Cuz you’re Super Girl,” he taunted me with Blake’s nickname that Matt had continued to use. He was bitter and sarcastic.
“Because I know you.”
He laughed really cruelly, “You don’t know me at all, darlin’.”
I left in anger and disgust. Not at him. He wasn’t anything that I hadn’t known he would be. I was disgusted with myself for being so stupid to have been taken in by someone in more pain than I was in. To think that two people in pain could somehow help each other forget. But the next day, on Friday, Seth was apologetic again. I felt like I was back on a roller coaster, and this roller coaster didn’t have safety belts or harnesses like the roller coaster I’d been on with you. I hated it. I wanted something to forget you, not make me feel the drama all over again.
Saturday, we got all dressed up for the prom. Somehow I felt like I was playing a part. There was a group of us going together in a limo. I’d convinced Wynn and the boys to let Seth come. I promised he’d be on his best behavior. Which was something I knew I really couldn’t promise, as I am sure they all did too. But they did it for me. It was nice to have a group of friends that you could count on.
Mia was going with one of Matt’s friends. Mia was with us a lot. She didn’t really stop me from doing anything crazy. She hadn’t even stopped me from drinking myself silly when I was with Seth, but sometimes, she would look at me with your eyes, and it was enough to make me stop.
Tonight, I wasn’t drinking. Mostly because I wasn’t sure how things with Seth would go, and I wanted to be in control. After the prom, we abandoned the limo, and Seth drove his grandparents’ car out to a party at one of the seniors’ houses. For me, this was the final test. Would I continue to put up with Seth and his drama, or would I cut him loose?
He was his normal self. Drinking. Leading a pack of younger kids in drinking games. Daring folks to do stupid things that they would lamely follow him in. At about midnight, I knew I was done with it all. I tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I’m leaving.”
Seth grabbed my hand and stood up, not letting me go. He pulled me up against him and kissed me with alcohol breath that I suddenly found nauseating. “I’m not ready to leave, Cami.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“What? Cami? Cam. Cami. Cami. The beautiful yet elusive Cami. The one who’s saving herself for a man who will never take her.”
I pushed away from him, but I grabbed at the keys that were in his pocket. He twisted them back out of my hand.
“I’m not ready to leave yet,” he said and shoved the keys down the front of his pants.
I stared at him. His gorgeous self. But all I could see was a guy bleeding from the inside. He’d constantly be living this dual life of the misunderstood artist and the psychopathic teenager full of pain.
“Goddamn it, Seth, give me the keys.”
He pulled me back at him and kissed me hard. “Come and get them, sweetheart.”
“Go fuck yourself.”
“That’s what I have to do all the time. You don’t put out.”
I reached out to slap him, and he caught my wrist in his hand and gripped it hard. “You don’t want to do that. I hit back.”
But I brought my other hand up and slapped him hard. It took him by surprise, but not enough to let me go. Instead, he used his other hand and slugged me back.
My head flung backwards, stars flew in front of my eyes, just as he let me go. I hit the ground. Tears stinging my eyes from the pain and from anger. Anger at myself. At him. At everything in my life that had pushed me to this.
That’s when Seth hit the ground next to me. Hard. Blood pouring from his nose. Strong arms wrapped themselves around my waist and pulled me up against a body I knew like the back of my hand.
“Let’s go,” your voice was deep and angry too.
Seth started to get up, but Keith and Matt stepped forward, and I think he knew he’d lost. Mia ran up with my bag, and you almost ripped it out of her hands. “You need a ride?” you asked her. She shook her head, “No, Matt’s driving Tim and I home.”
You shoved me into your car and didn’t say a thing. I didn’t know how you’d gotten there. I didn’t even know that you’d come home. I just knew that you were there. And I was a mess.
You stopped at the Quick Stop, and I stayed in the car. When you came back you had a Dr. Pepper, some MoonPies, and a bag of frozen peas. I looked up at you with teary, puzzled eyes. You took the peas and placed it against my cheekbone. It hurt like hell. I hadn’t realized that it hurt like hell.
You were so gentle holding the peas to my face, but when I managed to meet your eyes, I could still see anger there. A lot of anger.
“You’re killing me, you know,” you said to me.
And my own fury soared back to life. I remembered your words from ages ago when I told you that your make out sessions in your room with your girlfriends were killing me, and I threw them back at you. Seth had taught me to fight dirty.
“I’m not trying to kill you, I’m just a teenage girl trying to get laid.”
You cussed under your breath and slammed the car into gear. You sped out to the lake, drove out over the grass to our tree, and parked.
I slammed my way out of the car and ran to the shore. You let me go. I stormed back and forth for what seemed like forever. Cursing you. Cursing Seth. Cursing me. Eventually, I took off my fancy shoes and sat down with my feet in the lake, the edges of my prom dress seeping in the water.
I don’t know how long it was before you joined me, but when you did, you wrapped yourself around behind me as if to protect me from the world and never let me go. Tired, I leaned my head back on your chest. You put your chin on my head, and I finally felt like I was at home again. Safe at home in your arms.
“I’m sorry,” you said.
“W
hy are you sorry?”
“For being an idiot again.” I knew you were trying to make me laugh, but it just brought back tears and made my swollen cheek hurt.
“I thought I could go on and not need you. I thought I was doing the right thing. For both of us. But I can’t know that you are with other guys and not want to beat the crap out of them. All I think about is you.”
“Welcome to my world,” I said softly.
“Was it really this bad? For you. When I was with the other girls.”
“Yes.”
You squeezed me so tight that I thought you were going to knock me out. You buried your head in my neck and kissed it. And I knew that you weren’t letting me go again. And finally, I felt like Seth’s gilded bird. Like I’d finally escaped my cage.
Ours
“And life makes love look hard…
But this love is ours.”
- Taylor Swift
Mary’s song. Our song. Ours. Special moments that are embedded into a country song that can speak volumes to a person about their own lives. Ours is definitely that way. Lord knows there were plenty of people who didn’t think we should be together. But God, did it feel right to us. Life had made our love look hard. But we found out it was really very easy. You just had to give in. We had to not care about the three years. About others talking. About college or high school or what was next.
After we’d sat by the lake for a long time, and the mist of the early morning started to settle it, I began to shiver. You helped me up from the ground with my soggy prom dress clinging to me and you’d kissed me again. For the first time since Christmas, but it was the first kiss that I felt like you meant without wanting to take it back in a really long time. And your kisses were nothing like Seth’s kisses. How had I ever compared them? It reminded me that the intensity of your kisses were all about the two of us. Not about anger or pain or apologies.