by Anna White
A piercing voice blasted out of the phone, forcing her to pull it several inches away from her ear. "Good morning Carin," she said. She looked over at the clock and saw that it was only 7:27. "How are you so lively so early in the morning? Please don't say energy drinks."
"No…," Carin chirped. "Energy drinks are for the afternoon. It's coffee!"
Samara groaned and rolled onto her side. "You should never drink anything with caffeine in it. Ever."
"How was your date?" Carin bulldozed on. "We saw you leave super early. Was everything okay?"
"It was fine," Samara said. "Just loud and crowded. You know that's not really my thing."
"So where did you go?" Samara could almost hear Carin holding her breath and knew that she was bursting with anticipation.
"Home," she said. She crossed her fingers. It wasn't really a lie, she thought to herself. She did come home, eventually.
"Oh." Carin sighed, and Samara couldn't help but laugh at how deflated she sounded.
"Look, I just woke up," she said. "I really want to hear about how things went with Ronnie, but I haven't had any coffee yet, so my whole brain isn't awake. Can we talk at school tomorrow?"
"Okay," Carin said reluctantly.
"I promise I want to hear all about it, I just want to wake up first. I'll see you in the morning." Samara clicked the phone off and dropped it onto the bed. After a few seconds she decided she might as well get up. She knew she wasn't going to able to go back to sleep; her heart was fluttering too wildly inside her chest. She felt so full of happiness that she wondered whether her body could contain it.
She decided to take a shower before going into the kitchen. Her mom had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for her to return from the dance, and Samara had tiptoed past her and gone to bed without waking her up. She hadn't answered any questions about the evening yet, but she knew she couldn't escape for much longer. She stood under the water until it started to run cold, then brushed her teeth and pulled on jeans and a sweater.
When she slipped into the kitchen Dina smiled at her. "Just in time," she said. She opened the oven door and pulled out a sweet smelling casserole. "I made baked French toast." She set the baking dish on the stove and slid two slices of the casserole onto saucers. She set one plate in front of Samara before she tugged off her apron and sat down in the chair beside her.
"You've been baking already this morning?" Samara asked. She eyed the splotches of flour that covered her mother's jeans.
"I made this." Dina pointed to the casserole. "And some cupcakes. I've been thinking about selling them at the coffee shop." She glanced around the room at the bags of nuts and flour that were strewn around the kitchen. "At least enough to cover the cost of ingredients.
"Anyway," she said patting Samara's arm, "I want to hear all about your date. What time did you come in last night?"
"It wasn't too late," Samara said. "I wasn't trying to sneak past you, I was just too tired to talk." She glanced away and speared a large bite of casserole. "So what's in this?"
Dina narrowed her eyes at Samara. "Do you really want to know? Or are you trying to avoid talking about your date?"
Samara nibbled the edge of her bite. "I might be avoiding," she admitted.
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Dina said. "Just tell me if it was good or bad."
Samara twirled her spoon in her fingers. "It was good," she said finally. She could feel the ridiculous grin creeping back across her face and shoved a big bite of toast in her mouth to hide it.
Dina nodded. "It looks like it was good. You look happy."
Samara set her fork down. "Can you be too happy?" she asked. "It seems unnatural."
"No!" Dina reached over and rubbed Samara's shoulders. "There's too much pain and uncertainty in the world. You should seize happiness whenever it comes, and hold onto it, for as long as you can."
"What about dad?" Dina's hand stilled and Samara's throat tightened involuntarily.
"What about him?"
"It feels wrong somehow," Samara said. "That he's not here."
"He would want you to be happy," Dina said. "He loved you more than anything in the world. Wherever he is, your happiness would bring him joy."
Samara finished the last few bites of her casserole and took her plate over to the sink. She felt slightly more subdued, but butterflies still churned in her stomach every time a moment from the night before popped into her thoughts. She shook her head, continually amazed at the effect Lucian had on her.
"Do you want to go out today?" Dina asked. "We could go see a movie or something."
"No thanks." Samara shook her head. She wasn't ready to step outside her bubble and face the real world just yet. "I think I'm going to stay in and study."
She grabbed a muffin off the kitchen counter and headed back to her room. She picked up her dress from the floor beside her bed and hung it on a hanger, then took her pajamas into the hallway and dropped them into the hamper before she sat cross-legged on the bed. She pulled her physics notes out of her backpack and flipped through them idly. She skimmed over a description of wave equations and the theory of spin before she gave up and tossed her notes onto the floor.
She spent the rest of the day puttering around the house. She alternated between daydreaming about Lucian and trying to distract herself so she would stop thinking about him. The hours passed slowly, and when she finally went to bed her sleep was fitful. The anticipation of seeing Lucian again filled her with nervous energy, and whenever she managed to drift off to sleep his face was the first thing that appeared in her dreams.
Chapter 41
She woke up before her alarm clock went off and forced herself to get dressed slowly and have breakfast before leaving for school. She was still one of the first people to arrive on campus; the parking lot was deserted.
She wandered across the green lawn, settled onto a bench, and pulled a book out of her backpack. She read each paragraph twice, trying to force herself to focus on the words as cars trickled into the parking lot and students began making their way into the building. She nonchalantly scanned each vehicle that passed, waiting for Lucian's truck to turn the corner into the parking lot, but after forty minutes she had to head inside or risk being late for first hour.
She pushed open the door to the office and braced herself for her daily dose of Carin. She was there, as exuberant as ever, but they didn't have much time to talk because Mrs. Ferrison kept them busy sorting out grade reports and delivering them to classrooms. Samara was thankful for the reprieve. She knew Carin would pick up on her distraction instantly and start asking questions.
She looked for Lucian all morning, but he was nowhere to be seen. Where could he be? she wondered. The hours dragged by until the lunch bell rang, and she raced to their table in the library. She clasped her hands together and tried to control her excitement, but she couldn't wipe the smile off her face. Instead she stared hungrily at the spot where she knew he would come into view, her longing to see him growing into a physical ache.
She kept waiting long after the tardy bell rang. She heard voices in the library and the sounds of pages flapping and chairs thumping across the floor, but no one came to the local history section. A weight of disappointment crushed down on her with each minute that ticked past. Finally she had to accept that he either wasn't coming or wasn't at school.
She walked alone into the gym and looked bleakly across to the boys' bleachers. Jack was staring at her, but she ignored him. She didn't even have to scan the rest of the class. One look made it heartbreakingly clear that Lucian was absent.
Coach Cottlebum's voice drilled into her head. "Get dressed," she screamed, "and get ready to run!" Samara groaned as she dragged herself into the locker room and pulled on her gym uniform. The day was getting worse and worse.
"So where's Lucian?" Carin asked. She panted heavily as they jogged around the track, but she still managed to force out a steady stream of conversation. Samara igno
red her and concentrated on a point in the distance as she put one foot in front of the other.
"Do we have to run?" Bethanny whined. Her voice grated on Samara's nerves and she squeezed her eyes shut.
"Yes," Carin said. "We can't make Cottlebum mad, or she'll switch us to suicide drills." She glanced over at Samara and repeated, "Where's Lucian?"
"I don't know," Samara snapped. Her chest felt tight, and she could feel her eyes watering as she sucked in cold breaths of wind.
"Are you crying?" Bethanny leaned in closer and gave her a searching look.
"No!" Samara said. "It's the stupid wind blowing in my face."
She slowed to a walk and rubbed her palm against her burning eyes. She blinked furiously and could see both Bethanny and Carin watching her with concern. "I think Lucian went out of town."
"You're sure everything is fine?" Carin asked. She raised her eyebrows skeptically.
"Yeah." She could hear Coach Cottlebum yelling at them from across the field and walked a little faster. "Tell me about the rest of your date with Ronnie."
Samara let her mind wander as they walked laps and Carin chattered happily beside her. Lucian, she thought sadly, where are you?
Lucian wasn't at school on Tuesday or Wednesday either. Samara could barely focus on her classes; she was beginning to worry that something had happened to him. Surely if he'd been in an accident or something she would've heard about it.
She was supposed to be taking a Physics test, but she couldn't concentrate. Instead she doodled aimlessly in the margins and stared off into space. Mr. Higgs' voice broke into her thoughts. "Fifteen minutes people," he said. He glanced around the room and rested his eyes on her. "Don't waste time."
She half-heartedly read the first question: Name the two types of subatomic electron spin and describe how predictions can be made about paired electrons. She felt a glimmer of recognition and reread the question before scribbling an answer. She moved on to the second question, and the third, and was surprised to find that she remembered some of the information and could actually explain it.
Maybe I'll make a C this time, she thought as the bell rang and she dropped her pencil on the desk. She knew she should care, but it was hard to muster up much enthusiasm for anything when she knew she'd be eating lunch alone.
By Friday morning she was almost sick with dread. Lucian still hadn't returned to school, nor had he called her. She wondered if she had done something wrong, or if somehow she had wildly misread his intentions. She bit her lip as she replayed his kiss in her mind for the thousandth time. It seemed impossible that she could've misinterpreted the passion she had seen in his eyes and felt in his kiss, but maybe, somehow, she had. Maybe she'd only imagined it.
Chapter 42
Lucian drove past Samara's house. He knew she was still at school, but passing by her house made him feel nearer to her. He sped up and turned onto the main road, and drove aimlessly past restaurants and strip malls. Finally, he pulled into an empty parking lot and pounded the steering wheel with his hand.
Saturday night had been perfect from beginning to end. Breathtakingly, dangerously perfect. Being with Samara was so intoxicating that he forgot everything else. Now, in the light of day, he had to face reality. He had accomplished nothing on Earth. He hadn't made any progress on finding the key at all. In fact, he felt farther away from the key than he ever had before.
He realized that he was making a dent in the top of the steering wheel and dropped his hands into his lap. Worst of all, he had allowed himself to become entangled with Samara. To fall in love with her. His judgment was growing more compromised with each passing day. He knew he couldn't avoid her forever, but he was going to have to push her away. Now, he thought, while I still have a chance.
The thought of hurting her made him feel like he was suffocating. His chest hurt like his heart was breaking, but it had to be done. This is what Sofia meant when she said there were more important things than pain. I have to hurt her to save her.
He felt a wetness on his cheeks and touched them in confusion. Tears, he realized. When he crossed over he had never imagined he would end up like this. It was like the fall all over again. He was alone, surrounded by darkness.
Chapter 43
Lucian was absent all week. Samara had taken Carin's advice and refused to call him. Carin had said he could still call, even if he was out of town, so he must be playing her. Samara had a hard time believing that to be true, one of the things she loved about Lucian was his apparent lack of guile, but after days with no contact of any kind she was beginning to doubt everything, including her own judgment.
She broke down on Thursday night, the fifth long day without him. After dinner she ducked into her bedroom and pulled the door tightly shut in an attempt to prevent Dina from overhearing her conversation, then sat on the edge of her bed and stared at the phone. She wondered if she should call and risk being mocked, too stupid to realize when she was being rejected, or remain aloof and try to hide the depth of her feelings. After fifteen minutes she forced herself to make a decision and began dialing. She wrestled uncertainty with each number she pressed, and when she lifted the phone to her ear she half hoped it would ring, unanswered.
She was startled when a booming bass voice blasted out of the phone. "Hello? Hello!"
Samara fumbled with the phone, feeling jittery as her heart pounded in her chest. "Hi," she stuttered. "I wondered-I mean I was hoping, that I maybe could speak with Lucian?"
She could hear rustling noises in the background and the voice boomed back, "I'm sorry, but he's stepped out for a bit. What message do you wanna leave?"
"I don't want to. I mean, I don't really have a message," Samara stammered. "Can you just tell him that I called?" She mashed the talk button on the phone and cut off the conversation before she realized that she hadn't even said her name.
She flopped onto her bed. Obviously Lucian wasn't dead or seriously injured, or the voice that she assumed belonged to Duncan would've told her. She also had to assume from Duncan's word choice that Lucian was back in town, missing school for some reason, but without any obvious impediment that would prevent him from contacting her.
She felt sick. I should have listened to Carin, she thought. Not knowing where he was or if he was okay had been horrible, but knowing that he was only a few miles away made her pine for him even more.
When Samara woke up on Saturday morning she felt buried under a cloud of worry. This time last week she had been sparkling with anticipation and planning what she was going to wear to Homecoming, but now a heavy lump of dread had taken up residence in her stomach. She lay in bed moping until the sun streamed in through the windows too brightly to ignore, then forced herself out from underneath her blankets and over to her closet. She dragged on jeans and a ribbed sweater and shuffled down the hallway.
She bypassed the kitchen where her mother was making waffles and slipped out the front door. She climbed into her car and sat for a few seconds before she jammed the key into the ignition and reversed out of the driveway. She couldn't stand this half-state any longer. Whatever the outcome, she had to find out if she had shared something real with Lucian, or if it was all just a dream.
She felt surprisingly calm as she pulled into the wide driveway of the farmhouse. Her flutters of anxiety had been temporarily overridden by deep feelings of inevitability and resolve. Lucian's truck was parked in the yard, and she could see a snoozing orange cat stretched out on its back bumper. The cat opened one sleepy eye when Samara stepped out of her car and watched her as she slowly crossed the mossy yard.
She was struck by the deep sense of stillness that seemed to surround the house. She pressed the doorbell, and almost immediately the door was opened by a tall, willowy woman with pale blonde hair that shimmered in the early morning sun. "Hello Samara," she said. She stretched out a welcoming hand and pulled her through the open door. "It's nice to finally meet you."
Samara found herself sitting at huge d
ining table with a mug of tea in her hand without knowing exactly how it had happened. Behind her the blonde woman stood at a gas range stirring a large pot. She lay her spoon next to the stove and leaned against the counter. She gazed across the kitchen at Samara and studied her face intently. "Lucian isn't here," she said.
Samara looked into the mug sitting in front of her. "I thought he might be," she said lamely. "His truck is outside."
"His truck is here," Sofia said, "but he is not." Her melodic voice never wavered, but Samara thought she could detect a hint of something disapproving in her voice.
"Oh." She rubbed her thumb over the handle of the mug, unsure of what to say. All the nerves that had been quieted by her earlier determination were coming back in full force. "Is he coming back?"
Her chest felt so tight that she could scarcely breathe. She kept her eyes on the tendrils of steam escaping from her tea, sure that all of her fears were written plainly on her face.
"I hope so," Sofia said. "But he has some decisions to make." She walked over to Samara and lay a slender hand on her shoulder. "Don't give up yet," she said. "Have a little faith."
Chapter 44
Two weeks passed before Lucian returned to school. Samara was going through her days like a sleepwalker. She was physically present, but her mind was far away. She went through all the motions of eating breakfast, driving to school, completing her assignments, but she couldn't give anything her full attention. Each morning when she woke up, she felt the feeble hope that today would be the day he returned, but it never was. The desks where he normally sat remained empty. He didn't call.
She resigned herself to the fact that she wasn't going to see him, much less hear his voice or feel his touch. She was focusing all of her energy on making it through the day, so when she came out of her first period class and saw him standing at the end of the hallway, she froze. Students pushed and bumped around her on both sides, but all she could do was stare. She opened her mouth to call out his name, but she couldn't force any sound past her lips. He never turned in her direction, and after only a few seconds he disappeared into a classroom, taking her heart with him.