Radiant Joy Brilliant Love

by Clinton Callahan

  Dad: “You hate Mr. Dandy.” (Make sure that you are not asking a question. You are simply repeating back what you heard him say. Add no spin.)

  Johnny: “Yes.” (Bing #2!) “He is such a jerk! He yelled at me in math class today.”

  Dad: “Mr. Dandy yelled at you in math class.”

  Johnny: “Yes, and all the kids laughed at me.”

  Dad: “All the kids laughed at you.”

  Johnny: “He didn’t have to yell at me. All I was doing was passing a note.”

  Dad: “You were just passing a note.”

  Johnny: “Yeah, to Priscilla.”

  Dad: “To Priscilla.”

  Johnny: “Yeah, she’s this new girl. I was thinking of inviting her to the pool this weekend.”

  Dad: “You want to invite Priscilla to the pool this weekend.”

  Johnny: “Yeah. Dad, could you take me and Priscilla to the pool this weekend? She’s really great.”

  Dad: “You want me to take you and Priscilla to the pool this weekend?”

  Johnny: “Yeah.”

  The final “Yeah,” without further explanations from the child, means that you have come to the central communication, the message that was buried under the original communication “I hate school.” Notice that the central communication had nothing at all to do with hating school. By listening with completion loops, you were able to make it safe enough to hear the deeper message, a delicate and precious communication about love. Notice that you would never have gotten to hear the real communication if you had reacted with roadblocks to the surface communication. How many opportunities for deeply connecting have you destroyed with your habitual roadblocks?

  Was using completion loops difficult for Dad? No. Was it great for Johnny? Yes. Was it great for Dad even though he did not get to do his ordinary thing? You have to answer that question yourself.

  How many times have you wished that your parents or other people would listen to you like this? Your children can have deep communication with their future children if you start communicating with them with completion loops. It starts with you. Your struggle to change can make a difference for many generations into the future.

  Notice in the above example that the end of communication leaves a question in Dad’s lap. The question is a real question and requires a real yes or no answer, not a vague procrastination, not a “We’ll see.” Communications with children often end with a problem in the parent’s lap. This is a common reason why parents avoid conversations with their children; they do not want to have to commit to the time and energy required of a “yes” answer, or to deal with the child’s reaction to a “no” answer. The parent wants to avoid responsibility.

  You have just discovered the reason why your Box so persistently uses roadblocks in your communications. Using a roadblock instead of a completion loop is the Box’s technology for avoiding responsibility. Every roadblock causes a breakdown in the heart of your relationship. Your Box prefers to create a breakdown in the heart of your relationship rather than having to take responsibility itself for shifting or for dealing with the emotional recoil of the other person’s Box when it must shift or expand.

  To deepen authenticity in your relationships your practice is to stop trying to avoid responsibility. Look at what you are demonstrating to your children. Again, boundaries are the jungle gym upon which children develop their muscles of responsibility. Pull out your “sword of clarity.” Say yes or say no, and then be responsible about your decision. The Map of Problem Ownership creates distinctions for you that give you tremendous clarity about how to deal with these kinds of problems.

  The question clarified by the Map of Problem Ownership is: Whose problem is it? Without knowing how or why, we often act in confusion about who owns a problem. It is common to conclude that if someone else has a problem – our child, parent, spouse or boss – then automatically we have a problem. This is especially true if we tend to be adaptive and give our center away. If the authority figure has a problem (and it is shocking how many people regard their children as authority figures), then we better watch out. As a survival strategy, we extend our feelings into the lives of others and walk on eggshells around them to try to arrange it so that they never have a problem. They probably like it when we are adaptive around them, accept their invitation and give them our center, but such behavior is ordinary human relationship and can drive us into being a nervous wreck.

  MAP OF PROBLEM OWNERSHIP

  WHOSE PROBLEM IS IT?

  Me having a problem does not mean they have a problem. Them having a problem does not mean I have a problem. Let them have their own problems – they worked hard for them. Take responsibility for your own problems. Dealing with a problem is evolution's way for you to learn what you need to learn. Through being clear about whose problem it is you discover an interesting condition of having no problem. This place may be bigger than you think. Clarifying which of the four problem conditions you have empowers you to apply the most appropriate skills. (This map is adapted from the “Behavior Window” originated by Dr. Thomas Gordon in the 1960s and further developed by his wife Linda Adams in her book Be Your Best. www.gordontraining.com)

  Using the Map of Problem Ownership vastly simplifies things. The idea is to respect people for their creativity. If someone else has a problem it does not mean that you have a problem. They worked hard for their problem. They created their problem. Let them have their own problem. If you have made a boundary for your child, the decision is made – the question of whether or not to have ice cream, to see another movie, or to stay up past bedtime has been decided; it is no longer your problem. It is your child’s problem. Let them have their problem. And let them work it out for themselves and go through dealing with the boundary without being able to use whining, shunning, name-calling, or tantrums to manipulate you into deciding differently. They will get over it.

  On the other hand, if you have a problem, get it that it is your problem. You having a problem is not a problem for anybody else. Take responsibility for having created the problem as a custom-designed learning environment for yourself. Dealing with problems is how we learn what we need to learn.

  Once you extract yourself from imagining that you are responsible for someone else’s problems, you suddenly have all that energy back to use for other things. Being clear about whose problem it is opens up the possibility of discovering an interesting new territory – one in which you are alive and in relationship, and there is no problem. This territory may be bigger than you think. You could use the energy you conserve through clarity about problem ownership to create interesting nonlinear alternatives for relating with people where there is no problem. These alternatives could soon become the central preoccupation of your life, and could inspire and nurture your relationships into extraordinary experiences that you never experienced before.

  In the example above with Johnny and his father, when Johnny asks, “Dad, could you take me and Priscilla to the pool this weekend?” and Dad repeats back, “You want me to take you and Priscilla to the pool this weekend?” and Johnny confirms, “Yeah,” then, in that moment, Dad has a problem. Dad is on the spot. Dad is required to make a yes or no decision. Dad’s typical response may be to try to wriggle out of being on the spot, but even effective wriggling does not change the fact that Dad is on the spot. Dad’s avoidance strategy only establishes the relationship with his son as ordinary human relationship. To continue in extraordinary human relationship, Dad would make the yes or no decision then and there. “Just a second. I need to look in my calendar book before I can answer your question. Let me see here. Uh, yes, Saturday morning I have tennis, but Saturday afternoon after one o’clock I can take you to the pool. Tomorrow you ask Priscilla to ask her parents if she can come with us and then tell me what they say by Thursday night. We will pick her up at one fifteen and bring her home by five. It works for me. Does that work for you?” Or, “No, sorry, I am all weekend over at my parents helping with their remodel. We could as
k Mom if she can take you this weekend, or I can take you next weekend. Which would you prefer?” Now the problem is back to being Johnny’s.

  Especially with younger children, when, for example, their request is about sugar foods or videos or bedtime, and your answer is no (which will be the answer more often than yes), be sure to energetically disconnect from the problem. After you have given your answer it is no longer your problem. You need not be swayed by any amount of whining, reasoning, or aggressive behavior. Those responses from the child are just testing the stability of your boundary. Let them do their testing. A boundary is a boundary. You already made your decision. It is not your problem anymore. This is the value and use of the Map of Problem Ownership. You have certainty about whose problem it is.

  Now, back to Adult communication.

  We discover a truly astonishing possibility for consistently creating extraordinary human relationship by adding one more element to our Map of Communication: the distinction of consciously choosing between responsibly or irresponsibly encoding messages, and responsibly or irresponsibly decoding messages. In the map we use two triangles divided by a vertical line to represent this choice. Responsibly encoding or decoding is called “high drama,” consciously serving responsible Principles. Irresponsibly encoding or decoding is called “low drama.” Neither choice is right or wrong, good or bad. Each choice produces quite different results. If you do not consciously choose “responsible,” then you will unconsciously choose “irresponsible.” This is how the Box works.

  MAP OF COMMUNICATION

  A communication persists until it is received. The purpose of Adult communication is to complete communications through receiving them. When we complete a communication then we end the “doing” of communication and go back to the original background state of “being” in love together.

  Repeat back what you heard them say. When they confirm the accuracy of what you repeated with a “Yes” it signals that this communication has been completed. Then you can go to the next deeper level together.

  In the Adult ego state you have the power to responsibly decode an irresponsibly encoded message. This is nothing less than miraculous.

  For example, let us say the original urge in a communication is hunger. If the wife comes home hungry and tired after a long hard day at work and she irresponsibly encodes her communication, she might say, “Why is dinner so late?”

  If the husband is not familiar with the Map of Communication he might irresponsibly decode the question from his wife to mean that he is incompetent for not already having dinner on the table. The impression he receives could be that she does not love him or she does not appreciate his efforts. He might respond with, “Fix your own meal then!” Have you ever had a communication like this? If so, you now know exactly what was happening.

  Let us try another possibility. Let us say the wife comes home hungry and tired but responsibly encodes her urge as, “Wow, that smells great! I can’t wait to eat!” Sadly, the husband might still irresponsibly decode this responsibly encoded message to mean that she is trying to manipulate him into doing it faster. His impression might be that she is never happy with him. And he might say back, “I am going as fast as I can. Maybe I should mow the lawn and you can do the cooking.”

  Where the Map of Communication lets you move beyond all ordinary possibilities is when you are the receiver of an irresponsibly encoded message and you decode it responsibly. In our example, the wife would come home tired and hungry and say, “Why is dinner so late?” – an irresponsibly encoded message. The husband would responsibly decode this to mean that she is tired and hungry. His impression is that she trusts his compassionate understanding enough not to put on a false smiley face, but instead, to authentically reveal her intimate personal state. His completion loop would then be, “I am so glad that you are home and feeling hungry enough for the delicious meal I am preparing for you. Would you like apple juice or tea to drink with your dinner?” He has the ability to stay unhooked. Responsibly decoding irresponsibly encoded messages is nothing less than magical. Any low drama can end with the receiver.

  SECTION 6-P

  Four Kinds of Listening

  Leaving the skills of listening and speaking out of considerations about relationship would be like leaving the steak out of a steak dinner. We are tempted to disregard the influence of our listening and speaking because we think that we already know how to do it. Questioning our ability to listen and speak seems ridiculous because our mind says that if we are not deaf or dumb then we obviously can already listen and speak. We assume that our hearing and speech are normal. That is the point – our listening and speaking are normal. What we are interested in here is making changes that let our listening and speaking become extraordinary.

  Concluding that we already know how, fails to recognize the world we live in as a richly textured, subtle, multi-dimensional, flowing and vibrating environment with far more possibilities immediately available to us than our Box will allow us to perceive. Listening and speaking are fundamental modes for relating to and being creative in this wild world. By improving our practical abilities of listening and speaking we expand our senses into qualitatively new realms. To learn more about the subtleties of listening read The Conscious Ear – My Life of Transformation through Listening by Alfred A.Tomatis.

  In this section we will distinguish four kinds of listening. In the next section we will distinguish five kinds of speaking. These few distinctions are enough to start you behaving in ways that open up whole new patterns of relationship. Keep in mind that since soft skills are applied in relationship with another person, they are learned the same way. Find someone with whom you can practice listening and speaking exercises, and practice them again and again until they naturally settle into your behavior repertoire.

  Extraordinary human relationship is supported by four kinds of listening: 1) normal neurotic listening, 2) adult listening, 3) possibility listening, and 4) discovery listening. Distinguishing and consciously implementing which kind of listening we use in each circumstance changes listening from an unconscious habit pattern to a set of consciously applied tools. The four kinds of listening are neither good nor bad. They each produce certain results. It is most useful to be skilled in all four kinds of listening so you can create the most beneficial results in each situation. Using the wrong tool for the wrong job tends to lead to the standard and familiar difficulties of ordinary human relationship.

  1) Normal Neurotic Listening is by far the most common sort of listening that we encounter and produce during our usual day. It is named “neurotic” because it is behavior that is self-referenced, self-serving and does not often accomplish what it promises, namely listening. In normal neurotic listening there is almost no correlation between what is spoken and what is heard. If the speaker says something important to them, and we use normal neurotic listening, we might interpret what they said as a personal attack. We could feel either challenged or stimulated, and before the speaker even finishes we could start formulating in our mind what we are going to say to them. We allow no time for what they said to land in our heart. Our mind keeps running, and words burst out of our mouth, like horses out of a starting gate. If the speaker communicates with anger or sadness or fear, we take it as our problem and try to avoid it or try to solve it. Many things the speaker wants to share are things we do not want to hear about, so we cleverly ask diagonal questions, change the subject, make a joke, or look at our watch and whip up some excuse for leaving. Normal neurotic listening is not about listening to the other person at all. It is about listening to ourselves. Neurotic listening is listening that serves “me.” It is this type of listening that was demonstrated to us so often that we still imitate it today. Remember, normal neurotic listening is neither good nor bad. It produces certain results. Some results of normal neurotic listening can be extremely useful, such as interrupting a normal neurotic speaker in order to start a meta-conversation, or at least for sending away obnoxious vacuum-clea
ner salespeople. Some of us cannot do normal neurotic listening so we do not have the tool available when we need it. We end up with more vacuum cleaners than we need.

  2) Adult Listening follows the Map of Communication with the intention to complete communications and navigate toward extraordinary human love. Adult listening is rare and extraordinary; it leads to extraordinary human relationship. In adult listening there are consequences to receiving a communication: something changes; something stops or starts; something happens. With adult listening you look into the eyes of the speaker, maintain an open body posture (with uncrossed legs, arms and fingers), or you mirror the posture of the speaker. Your purpose is to understand what the speaker is saying. Sometimes a question is needed for you to clarify your understanding of what the speaker is saying, but be careful. Questions are the most powerful way to dominate a conversation. Questions easily let you guide the speaker into talking about what you want to hear rather than what the speaker wants to say. Also remember that, if you are repeating back what a person says with your own comments attached, or if you are asking elaborate questions, you are talking. If you are talking, you are not listening. Adult listening serves both the listener and the speaker. It is listening for “us.”

  3) Possibility Listening is something you probably have done before, but now you will have a name for it and an energetic diagram of what is happening. In possibility listening the listener takes on the Archetypal King or Queen posture sitting on a throne. The head is straight. Feet are flat on the floor. Shoulders are relaxed. Hands are palm down on the lap. (If palms face upward then it is likely you will unground yourself and therefore be less present to difficult communications.) No expression crosses your face, not even a smile (even if you have practiced a “plastic,” nice-person, smiley mask for years). You do not nod your head. (Nodding, like smiling, can be a subtle form of conditioning. If the speaker sees you smile or nod they will unconsciously try to repeat whatever behavior provoked the smile or the nod. Smiling or nodding then serves to manipulate the speaker.) You look directly into their eyes, silently snap your fingers once, to declare that you are a space, and just listen. You do not speak. Every now and then you might say, “Hmmmm,” just so they know you are not dead. Your job is to be the space into which the other person can say anything. In contrast to adult listening in which your intention is to understand the speaker, in possibility listening you can listen to more than you can understand. Your listening serves the other person as a workbench for them to work things out on. You offer zero resistance to the flow of their speaking: no reaction, no nodding, no smiling, no questions, no comments. You are simply being a yes for them, being “there” for them. Possibility listening is not intended to serve you; it is a service for the speaker.