Radiant Joy Brilliant Love

by Clinton Callahan

  More Box Mechanics

  The following distinctions about Boxes create a level of clarity in human relationship that has been, for the most part, unknown in the history of humanity. The quality of communication and relationship that comes from applying this clarity from moment to moment in your daily life is truly extraordinary. It is yours whenever you wish to use it.

  • Box. You are not your Box. You are a vast awesome potential. The same is true of everyone else.

  • Boxes are neither alive nor volitional. Boxes are unconscious mechanical machines dedicated to defending themselves. Machines can be counted upon to mechanically do exactly what they are designed to do, to fulfill their unconscious purposes. For example, one job of your Box is to produce an endless stream of meaningless thoughts. It does this job marvelously.

  • With this clarity you need never have a conflict again. If you feel like you are having a conflict with another person it is not you that is having the conflict with them. It is your Box having a conflict with their Box.

  • Playing the role of victim to a machine is always strategic. If you are in a conflict with someone else’s Box you are deriving a payoff. To step out of the conflict get conscious about your payoff.

  • It is impossible to be offended by anyone or anything. If you ever feel offended you have offended yourself. Any circumstances can be used as a reason to offend yourself. Any perceived insult is self-manufactured to serve your own Shadow Principles. This is obvious because anyone could feel offended about anything, and anyone could also feel unoffended about anything. Feeling offended or unoffended is a personal preference of your Box.

  • Being offended by a Box (yours or someone else’s) is no different from hitting your finger with a hammer and being angry at the hammer. The Box did not do anything to you. You used the Box to do it to yourself.

  • No one else can “hurt” your feelings. You “hurt” your own feelings. The way you “hurt” your own feelings is by creating low drama victim stories about the circumstances that are happening around you. You also cannot “hurt” other people’s feelings. You may have been manipulated by someone who surrounds themselves with “eggshells.” They hold it over your head that if you behave a certain way they will feel a certain way. Since the way they feel is “bad” (meaning angry, scared or sad), then you are “bad” for “making” them feel this way. Allowing yourself to be manipulated is just as much a Shadow Principle as manipulating.

  • The clarity that your Box is mechanical and unconscious is exactly the same clarity that a mature driver has about his car. The driver does not expect that his car will automatically take him wherever he wants to go and stop at red lights along the way. No policeman would accept the excuse, “Well officer, the car decided not to stop.” The driver knows that his car is not sentient and that the car’s mechanical operations follow physical laws determined by the car’s design. The driver is not a victim of his car’s insentience. The driver gets behind the wheel and drives the car where he wants it to go. Relate to Boxes like an intelligent driver relates to cars.

  • If you relate to someone as if you know who they are, you are wrong. If someone else relates to you like they know who you are, they are wrong too. All that we can know about another person is their Box. Who they truly are is unknowable mystery.

  • Relationship to a Box is boring. Relationship to unknowable mystery is forever exciting. In each moment of your relationship you choose to whom you are relating.

  Compared to other cultures in the world, our modern Western culture is completely bereft of ritual. In comparison to the family culture of an African tribal village, modern Western family culture is like a featureless desert. Indeed, in our ritual-free environments we gain tremendous freedom for lateral thinking, that is, for thinking our way off the page, but at what cost? Without a webwork of ritual to contextualize our perspectives we lose our ability to make natural and necessary boundaries and distinctions for our children.

  For example, there is nothing to stop parents from teaching their children the ritual boundaries and distinctions for obtaining, preserving and preparing food; rituals for differentiating between the sexes; rituals for celebrating the changing seasons of the year; rituals around festival days and celebrations; rituals for courting partners; rituals for honoring the wisdom of elders and the dead; rituals for relating to spiritual teachers, sacred objects, sacred spaces, and sacred teachings; rituals for healing and transitioning through different stages in life. But Western civilization has shrugged them all away. Without ritual, the depth of our family culture decreases drastically to the point where parents have almost nothing to teach the children, forcing children to absorb cultural norms from their peers rather than from their parents. (To learn more about how to counteract the destructive consequences of peer bonding through attachment parenting read Gordon Neufeld’s book Hold On To Your Kids.) Modern children regard boundaries and distinctions coming from parents as some kind of archaic neurosis, and parents have little chance of changing this without seriously reshaping their personal behavior habits.

  Begin by realizing that many attention-seeking maneuvers by children are actually last-resort, unconscious, survival attempts to get “food.” What is it that our children starve for? In our busy-busy Western culture where media, time and money devour more than 100 percent of our adult attention, our children often starve for lack of parental love. Where our attention goes our energy flows. When from time to time we do not place 100-percent loving attention on our children they starve for lack of authentic intimacy. (See the sub-section Being-With Children, below.)

  Any food is better than no food to a child. Getting negative attention from parents such as scolding, yelling, complaining, resentment about being manipulated, fear of being made to look bad in public, and so on is at least some recognition from the parents that they exist. I have seen children manipulate parents into giving them attention by getting hurt over and over again on purpose – actually falling down on purpose, or banging their head on a wall, or starting a fight with an older sibling knowing they are going to get thrashed – and then can come crying to mommy or daddy for attention. I have seen children try to get attention by becoming sick, by adopting un-provoked neurotic or nerve-wracking behaviors, by playing weak or aggressive, by asking incessant questions, by having “accidents,” by creating false problems, or by breaking the law. The same mechanism can manifest in many other ways, including bringing home straight A’s or straight F’s from school.

  Children do not want boundaries, but children need boundaries. When parents have no experience with their own feelings, they cannot tolerate their children screaming with rage in response to finding a boundary. At the sound of screaming many parents relax all boundaries thinking they are doing their children a favor. They think that withholding boundaries is how a parent must sacrifice their life for the sake of their children. This is utter and horrifying nonsense, and frighteningly normal in our modern culture.

  If there is a problem between you and a child, it has nothing to do with the child. It has to do with you not providing boundaries and clarity for the child. For a big person to solve their problem with a little person by being violent with the little person is an act of insanity.

  Children desperately need boundaries for developing their physical, mental, emotional, and energetic bodies. If children do not experience durable, persistent boundaries in their home environment, then children flail about frantically in a desperate state of survival terror where they must inappropriately try to hold space for themselves. I have seen small children (less than two years old) seeking solid boundaries to wrestle with in their environment and not getting them because the parents wanted to be “good parents.” The parents wanted the children to experience having a “good childhood,” so they avoided providing the children with a framework of boundaries. Without clear solid boundaries around them the children felt abandoned, which is the opposite of what the parents thought they were creating for th
eir children.

  Not making boundaries starts off harmlessly enough, at the breakfast table, with the child choosing Cheerios and then screaming for corn flakes when they see the parent choosing corn flakes. If the parent is manipulated even in the slightest way by the screaming to replace the child’s Cheerios with corn flakes, even to think about exchanging the cereals, even to give defensive reasons as to why they are not exchanging the cereals, then the parent’s boundary fails the screaming test. When screaming can destroy a boundary, there is no boundary. When there is no boundary the child loses respect for reality and goes berserk. This berserkness and disrespect for reality stays with the child for their entire lives and, indeed, could be a contributing factor to the drastically increasing number of child suicides, drug addictions, school massacres, and other horrific occurrences. Living with children in a self-made boundaryless environment is an all-too-common modern nightmare. It does not have to be this way.

  Being-With Children

  Being-with your children is not about letting the children control and dominate the spaces in your life together, or giving your center away to your children, or forsaking your Adult responsibilities and trying to become a child yourself. These all too common behaviors actually drive children crazy. The boundaries and clarifications that you as the Adult create in the life of your child establish bars on a jungle-gym upon which your child can develop their muscles of responsibility. Not fulfilling your role as an Adult parent is like giving your child a jungle-gym with no bars and wondering why they develop no stamina, no presence, no fortitude, and no intelligent abilities to relate.

  To nurture extraordinary human relationship with your children (or with anybody’s children, for that matter) try the experiment of being-with children. The experiment goes like this. Reserve and make sacred a priority for spending twenty minutes of being-with time once or twice a week with each child individually.

  Knock on their door and ask, “May I come in and be-with you?” If they say, “No, not now,” then you say, “Okay,” and walk away. If they say, “Yes,” then you inconspicuously walk into their room and immediately lie down on their floor. Lie on your side, with your head propped up on your hand. Do not stand there. Do not sit in a chair. Do not lie on their bed or couch. Lie down on the side of their room on their floor. The bed, chair, couch and center of the floor are power positions in their room. Do not take a power position. Lying on your side on the floor puts you in a weaker and therefore less protected position, making you more available and vulnerable for relationship with your child. These details are critical, so after you have tried this experiment once then come back and re-read these lines to check that you understood them correctly.

  When you are lying on the floor you do nothing and say nothing. You are now “being.” The “with” part of the “being-with” is up to the child. If this is the first time that you try the experiment the response will be different according to the child’s age. An older child will look at you and say, “What’s wrong? Are you sick?” You say, “No. I just wanted to come in and be-with you.” Then say nothing else. Particularly do not say, “I am reading a book that says to try this experiment in being-with children…” You might be surprised how difficult it can be to refrain from vomiting your mind into the space as a Box-reassuring monologue that shatters the silence. Resist the temptation. Contain your radioactive waste dump. Let it fall into fathomless stillness. The child is testing to see if you are going to do your usual thing. Just keep breathing and be there.

  If the child is younger, it takes but a moment before they realize that mom or dad is finally offering them just exactly what they have been waiting for: being together with them for no reason; sharing your company. A younger child may come over and jump on you to wrestle. They might come with a broken doll and say, “Daddy, can you fix this?” Or with a story-book and say, “Let’s read.” They may come with coloring pencils, a puzzle, or a video game. If the child is older they may ask for help with an algebra problem or complain about what happened at school. They might tell stories about their friends, share plans for the weekend, or show you a catalog of what they want to buy. Whatever they bring or offer to you, be a yes for that. Use none of the twelve roadblocks. Do not offer solutions. Do not correct their attitude. Do not be positive. Do not praise. Do not rationalize or explain that this is how life is. Simply be there, and enjoy listening.

  This is an exercise in being-with. That means do not look under their bed and say, “Oh my god! That’s where the other socks go! Jeez! Look at all that dust! Don’t you ever vacuum in here? How can you live in such a mess? Isn’t this the toy from grandpa? And it’s broken already? I asked you to put your clothes away last week and they are still sitting here! Have you finished your homework yet? It is almost time for dinner – have you washed your hands yet? It is almost bedtime – have you brushed your teeth yet?” None of that shit! These twenty minutes are a parenting-babble free zone. This is about two people being-with each other – human to human. That is all.

  This is also not the time to go eat ice cream together. It is not time for movies or TV. It is not time to put on a sticky-sweet attitude of false niceness. It is time to be-with. And it is time for your child, not time for you. Do not fill up the space with your troubles and make your child listen to you, comfort you or psychoanalyze you. You are the adult. Be-with your child. After the twenty minutes, slowly get up and say, “Thanks. It was great to be-with you. See you later,” and walk out of the room. If you have more than one child, try to arrange to be-with them individually. It does not work so well trying to be-with more than one child at the same time in this way. If done consistently, this little experiment can completely transform your relationship with your children.

  SECTION 6-X

  Going Nonlinear

  Extraordinary human relationship is alive because of its continuous ongoing re-creation. Interactions are dynamic, surprising, unexpected and nonlinear. In general we do not have access to nonlinear creating because we have been cut off from our imaginations and nailed into modern linear viewpoints. In our civilization, mind is at war with imagination, and mind has decidedly won. Regaining access to our powers of nonlinear creating requires locating and reconnecting to our imagination.

  Linear relationship goes like this. On the first evening after their honeymoon the man returns from work and announces, “Honey, I’m home! I love you!” His starry-eyed woman arrives breathless and wraps herself into his arms saying, “Oh darling! I love you too! I missed you so much! Dinner is waiting for you on the table.” The next evening the man opens the front door and announces, “Honey, I’m home! I love you!” The wife comes wearing a smile, and says, “Oh good. Right on time. Did you have a nice day?” The next evening the man opens the front door and announces, “Honey, I’m home! I love you!” The wife says, “I’ll be right there. I love you too.” The next evening the man opens the front door and announces, “Honey, I’m home! I love you!” The wife says, “I’m in the kitchen! What did you say?” “Honey, I’m home! I love you!” he repeats. “Yes, great,” she says. “You love me. I love you. Great! And, what else have you got?”

  That extraordinary human love is alive and requires similar attentive care to a pet or a vegetable garden keeps us on our toes. Without feeding our relationship with a steady diet of authentic actions moved by unpredictable originality, the aliveness of our relating fades into a habitual rut. And, as the saying goes, the only difference between a rut and a grave is their length.

  The challenge of extraordinary human relationship is learning to create something that you have never created before, differently each time, and over and over again. Nonlinear imagination easily fulfills that challenge. But connecting to nonlinear imagination can feel like filling your belly with hot coals and endlessly burning inside. Only one person can make the efforts to authentically reconnect you to nonlinear imagination. Guess who? Even the Kama Sutra runs out of positions sooner or later. Then you are back on your own.
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br />   Learning to be okay even if you cannot predict what you are going to do next plugs you into a new form of electricity. Suddenly you can start the “same” conversation differently, and each time feel its uniquely radiant possibilities. What comes after that is a mystery. Back in Shakespeare’s day it was a common pastime to converse only in rhyming pentameter, or to sing rhyming pentameter, or to sing and dance rhyming pentameter. The human being has a far greater capacity to be endlessly nonlinear than we are ever led to believe. It is up to you to explore that potential and to make use of it.

  Your actions should not be intended to frighten or offend people. Your actions do not have to be drastic, even subtle creations can open new worlds of relationship. Maybe you never thought of possibilities such as these: You come home dragging a new fruit tree in the front door and explain that since you do not live out on a farm you are going to bring the farm home. You stand outside the door beating your chest and doing the Tarzan jungle call until your woman comes to get you. You take off your shirt in the snow outside and come in freezing cold needing desperately to be warmed up. You bring three friends for dinner, unannounced. You come in saying nothing and speak only in a whisper. You lay on the floor and cry for being so glad to come home again. You enter through the side door and go straight to the kids and listen to them about their day. You climb up the gutter and come in over the bedroom balcony like Romeo. You say nothing until after you flawlessly recite from memory Edgar Allen Poe’s The Raven in its entirety. You bring home Chinese take-out food, consisting of the chef’s favorite delicacies. You enter singing Broadway show tunes and refuse to be interrupted until the grand finale. You cut out paper dolls and wear them around your shoulders like a lace shawl. You speak in the accent of Count Dracula and are only attracted to your woman’s neck. You come in with your eyes closed saying that you are doing a science experiment and could your woman please lead you through the rest of your evening together. You have an unlit cigar in your mouth and keep it there all through dinner. You walk in backwards telling jokes to an invisible friend. You only look straight into the eyes of your woman with an intense unwavering gaze not being attracted to look anywhere else. You take her hand and proceed to give her a detailed hour-long palm reading about her exotic past and her wild possible futures. You hand your woman the cell phone – an old best friend (whom you have called on your woman’s behalf) is on the line; someone your woman loves but hasn’t spoken to in a long while.