As with any practice, self-sitting does not happen without commitment and discipline. A commitment to sitting shows up in only one way: sitting. How many days a week is your butt on the pillow? Five-days-a-week sitting is a strong practice. Sitting seven days a week liberates you from having to struggle with the question of whether you sit on that day or not – the decision has already been made to sit. However, sitting five days per week may in the long run prove to be more effective because then your sitting is not mandated by a rule that tends to take over responsibility for choosing to sit. Without a rule, you sit because you responsibly now choose to sit, not from enacting a rigid fanatical habit.
SECTION 15-E
Together-Sitting – The Beginning of Countenance
It can also be interesting and useful to practice another form of sitting called together-sitting. In together-sitting, two people sit while being in contact with each other. Here is a forum where the possibility of Countenance begins.
Historically, the styles of sitting such as self-sitting that focus a person’s attention inward were developed to aid those growing up in Eastern cultures. In Eastern cultures, the primary social emphasis for centuries has been on developing humility and cooperation. Self-sitting was designed to counteract the imbalance in Eastern people by strengthening their personal identities and their ability to be-with themselves.
Together-sitting was developed particularly for those who have grown up in Western cultures. In Western cultures the primary social emphasis for centuries has been on developing personal identity and achievement. We are taught from childhood to be strong and independent, to compete for our place in life, to be self-reliant, and so on. Together-sitting can teach us to bridge the gulf between others and ourselves. We can learn to overcome the fear of openness and intimate relationship with another person that is the natural side effect of an upbringing in Western society.
Together-sitting enlists the help of another person to develop your use of attention. The other person serves as a mirror in which you can see things about yourself that might otherwise be difficult or impossible to observe alone. Many of your most important inner qualities are only revealed in contact with others. By observing the experience of contact with a variety of other people, you can exercise your attention muscles, you can discover much about your Box, and you can explore what else you are besides a Box.
The practice of together-sitting involves learning how to establish and maintain contact with another being. The two persons sit facing each other as closely as possible without actually touching. The spine is kept erect, the head centered on the spine.
When both partners are ready, establish and maintain eye contact. The aim with the eye contact is to gently focus your full awareness on your partner. This does not mean a fixed stare, but rather an uninterrupted, relaxed observation. You put the kind of attention on your partner that you might normally reserve for looking at yourself in the mirror. If you find yourself becoming absorbed in thinking, mental chatter, feelings or internal dialogue, do not scold yourself. Just gently redirect your attention back to your partner’s eyes. Keep relaxing your face to keep a neutral expression. Try not to smile or laugh. No talking.
This is not a staring contest. It is not any kind of contest. You are not trying to “beam cosmic love” or read minds or achieve anything fantastic. Together-sitting is simply about having your attention placed on the other person. If you need to blink or cough or scratch or wiggle, just go ahead. That is fine. This should feel pleasant and relaxed, but focused. The practice of together-sitting requires effort, but not struggle.
Together-sitting is normally done for twenty minutes at a time. Engaging in together-sitting with a wide variety of persons shows how each person you meet can teach you something about yourself. In your self-observation practice, note with whom you have been willing to establish contact, and also who you have managed to avoid.
The eyes have been called the windows of the soul. This is why there have been so many cultural and even legal constraints upon establishing eye contact with another person. For example, a slave or peasant was normally forbidden to gaze directly at an aristocrat or nobleman. Such an offense was punishable by a beating, or even, as in feudal Japan, with instant beheading. Similarly, women in some cultures have been prevented from establishing eye contact with men lest they be considered sexually overt. Such controls over eye contact have had the full force of both civil and religious law. It is clear that this form of contact is potentially very powerful. Throughout the ages, saints and sages have been considered either brave or foolhardy because they were willing to look even kings in the eye and speak the truth they saw. It is difficult to hide one’s basic humanity, and to pretend to be superior or even divine if others can freely get a clear look at you.
SECTION 15-F
The Possibility of Countenance: An Experiment in Archetypal Intimacy
The eyes will draw us like a whirlpool, into a deep and endless cavern, holding every treasure, every discovery, all possibility … expanding our being into infinite space and consciousness, into Light and Revelation. – Lee Lozowick
You are about to take risks in the direction of experimenting with Archetypal intimacy. Intimacy is not about sharing secrets. Intimacy is not necessarily about speaking at all. Intimacy begins with stopping all the doing with another person and discovering the simplicity of being-with them. Intimacy natur ally and easefully occurs when two people navigate to the space where the dynamics of ordinary human relationship have nothing to grip on. All that remains is being-with.
Before you try this experiment in Archetypal intimacy perform a little research study. Spend some time where couples are hanging out together, such as cafés, parks, restaurants, shopping zones, or public transportation centers. Notice to what level the couples connect. Start developing an internal intimacy meter so that you can detect from 0-10 (10 is maximum) how intimate the two are being-with each other. I have generally noticed that they get to about intensity level 3 and then they shift away to less intense intimacy. Three, and then bounce back. If their being together intensifies anything past 3, they break the contact. They move their eyes, adjust their body posture, shift their focus of attention, or change the subject of the conversation. They distract themselves. One or both of them go back to zero (0) to start over again at a level of intimacy that feels safer, somewhere below level 3. They cycle through intimacy intensities every few seconds. And they do not know that they are doing this! I call this the “three and bounce” pattern. Maybe you’ll see or interpret results differently.
After observing the three-and-bounce pattern for some time and with many different couples I could not help but be astonished at its power and consistency. I asked myself if there was some secret treasure that was hidden from all of us, in plain view, at an intimacy level greater than 3. What was this mystery?
I have just defined your experiment: enter the mysteries of Archetypal intimacy. Find a partner. At first do not tell them the experiment. Assume that they too have the three-and-bounce intimacy avoidance pattern. Tell them about what you have discovered while observing the intimacy patterns of others. Tell them you are looking for a partner who is willing to go past level 3 with you. If they agree, set aside about twenty minutes and begin. Sit or stand facing each other and go to level 3. Go to 5. Go past 5. Hang in there; hang in there. Go to 7, 8, hang in there. Notice what happens in your mind and emotions and body and being. Notice what your Box does while attempting to defend itself against Archetypal intimacy. Be extraordinarily patient with yourself, also with your partner. Do not force anything. Try more than once to get to 10 and effortlessly stay there for a minute or two.
Be gentle with each other and with the space of intimacy. Breathe. You may notice a warm, pleasant, shivery vibration starting in your middle and expanding from head to toes. Relax into it. Your gazes will meet in the middle and gently wash forward and back. You are both giving and receiving at the same time. No talking. No thinking
. Navigate to undefendedness. Simply try to be present. Let your body get accustomed to all that is new. There is so much to learn here. Let yourself be known.
If you fail, do not worry that nothing seems to happen. The effort alone builds matrix. If you succeed, do not worry about not staying there. Although the view from the top of the mountain is breathtaking and highly rewarding, you cannot live on top of the mountain. You must come back down into the valley to live. What you bring down off the mountain with you is a memory of a remarkable experience, and perhaps a desire to someday return for further explorations.
Formally end your experiment after the twenty minutes. Briefly thank your partner and then immediately part company. Regardless of what happened, do not hang around together for discussion. If you do, the gorilla may easily knock you unconscious and you might wake up on the other side of sex and regret it later. Being by yourselves for an hour or two afterward is an important part of the experiment. You each need time to privately digest the experience on many levels.
This is the best I can offer as instructions for finding your way to a direct experience of Countenance yourself. The experience of Countenance is reported to be amongst the most intense and precious experiences of being human. What one encounters during Countenance is truly the treasure. At the same time, Countenance is simply an experience of the laws of physics, like light refracting through raindrops makes a beautiful rainbow, or electricity discharging from clouds makes searing flashes of lightning and roaring thunder. Although experiencing the phenomenon of Countenance can be stunning or unsettling, it is at the same time no big deal. Countenance is just a phenomenon, an impersonal effect, included in the design of the universe. Nonetheless, once you find the treasure, then a new game begins. The question becomes: What will you do with the treasure?
The next section includes guidelines for meeting the requirements that appear to be necessary before Countenance occurs. You may also encounter various obstacles that may be blocking further expeditions into Archetypal intimacy. Many fine Edgework experiments can be done while proceeding with the work needed to meet the requirements and eliminate your obstacles.
SECTION 15-G
Requirements For Countenance
Countenance occurs when two individuals in contact (see Glossary and Requirement #8 below) become conducting tubes for Archetypal Love. If the two individuals then gaze into each other’s eyes, Love looks out at Love looking in. Through human consciousness, Love becomes aware of itself. Love consciously gazes at consciously-manifested Love gazing at it. The circuit of Archetypal Love is completed through human cognizance. The human body becomes a transformer, changing unconscious Archetypal Love into conscious Archetypal Love. The Arch-Principle of Love experiences itself through two human bodies while their nervous systems register the experience as a side effect of pure ecstasy. The side effect is called Countenance.
The interesting thing about Countenance is that, just as with the laws of physics, when the conditions are met the phenomenon is repeatable. Unlike other forms of ecstasy, Countenance never goes away. It is always there waiting for you. The requirements for Countenance are not philosophical; they are structural – structural just like an airplane with no wings cannot fly, and an airplane with proper wings cannot avoid flying. The situation is simple: if you do not meet the requirements for Countenance you will not enter the experience of Countenance. The requirements for Countenance turn out to be quite profound.
Requirement #1: You Must Be Able to Leave Verbal Reality and Enter Experiential Reality
Ever since early childhood we have been hammered into a life in verbal reality. So much importance is placed on reading, writing, speaking, spelling, vocabulary, grammar, languages, and all the forms of written media that, after years of conditioning, we come to imagine that verbal reality is the reality of greatest importance.
In verbal reality the words lead, and eventually come to replace, the things they label. Words bypass sense experiences and lock life into conceptual boxes. Then your experience only goes as far as what you have words for. As soon as your mind finds a word for a thing, it grabs the word like a victory prize and your experience of that thing is cut off.
MAP OF REQUIREMENTS FOR COUNTENANCE
1) You must be able to leave verbal reality and enter experiential reality.
2) You must be able to slow down and move at the speed of Love.
3) You must be able to be in your heart and out of your mind.
4) You must be able to pay attention to your attention.
5) You must be able to keep your center.
6) You must be able to hold space.
7) You must be able to be present.
8) You must be able to make contact with another person, exposed, raw, and undefended.
9) You must be able to be a space, that is, you must be able to not be there. In order to not be there you must be okay right now to die.
10) You must be able to declare that the space that you are exists in the name of love.
11) You must have a longing to directly experience Archetypal Love.
12) You must be able to give without fear of giving too much, and you must be able to receive without fear of receiving too much, both maximally and at the same time.
13) You must be able to tolerate the intensity of being the space through which Archetypal Love does its work.
Experiential reality is quite different from this. In experiential reality your experience leads. The words are held back like a pack of wild dogs on the leash, and silenced with disciplined vigilance, while experience is given free rein to roll exquisitely through your senses – from head to toe – wordlessly. Then later on, if you choose to, you can select particular words to describe or appreciate your experience, but words are not part of the experience.
In experiential reality words can serve as a bridge to transport experience from one person to another. Such communication arrives with startling authenticity because it is not packaged into already known phrase blocks. In experiential reality, the words land in the body rather than in the intellect, and instead of stimulating thought these words awaken a personal experience within the listener. The value of expanding your competence in experiential reality cannot be overstressed if you wish to add delightful dimensions to relationship. Expanding competence into experiential reality starts with very simple experiments.
MAP OF WHAT WE HAVE WORDS FOR vs. WHAT IS
By restricting ourselves to operating within the verbal reality of what we have words for we prohibit our natural direct access to the immense treasury of unnamed wordless resources in experiential reality.
For example, in verbal reality a chair is exactly that: a chair. As soon as you have identified a thing as a “chair” the rest of that thing’s possibilities are lost. To expand yourself into experiential reality you can repeatedly do the experiment of not giving a thing a name. Stand there in front of a thing, or an experience, and draw no conclusions about what it is. Encourage yourself to have no name for a thing and to permit it to still exist for you. An apple becomes a reddish-green smashable shiny thing that smells tasty. A pen dissolves into a probe stick with moving parts and greasy substances in it. As your comfort in experiential reality begins to grow, you may find that this funny-shaped thing before you (that used to be a chair) can certainly still function as a chair but also diversifies into a more unlimited potential. What in verbal reality can only be a chair can, in experiential reality, be a sock drying rack, a display case for the crown jewels of England, a ramp for changing car tires, a defense against lions, a hat, firewood, an umbrella, a table, a battlefield for toy soldiers, a juggling tool, an item of barter, a ladder, a doorstop, a rope winder, a nutcracker, a demonstration for the limits of a flat Earth model, and so on.
In verbal reality, if you are driving down a road at dusk and see a shadowy object off to the side, the mind goes crazy. “What is that thing?” All of your attention goes into identifying the shape so it can become a known object.
“Is it a bear? Is it a deer? Ah! It is just a dead tree!” And then the mind clamps shut and the mystery is gone. The prize has been found. You have a name for it. In verbal reality if you do not have a name for it, it does not exist.
In experiential reality you can experience an experience without having a name for it. Mysteries are allowed to remain as mysteries. In Western culture, men being able to experience their experience instead of simply naming it is almost unheard of. Even for Western women this is rare, especially smart Western women who read thick complicated books about relationship!
Through doing Edgework experiments together you can test if the Archetypal Feminine is more comfortable experiencing experience than the Archetypal Masculine. Whatever the result, you might enjoy spending some time enticing your partner further and further into the delicacies of experiential reality.
Experiment in Imagining
Here is an experiment for experiencing what you may not have a name for.
Imagine that it is a hot Saturday morning.
A little girl loves her daddy.
She is furiously peddling her tricycle down the sidewalk after him. She is wearing a short dress. She waves to him and just then her tricycle tips over. She falls onto the hard pavement, scraping the bare skin of her knees and her elbows on the hot sidewalk.
Almost everyone will have a squeamish ripply feeling in their stomach or all over their body. This is a common experience that we do not have a name for. Did you experience it? After you wordlessly have the experience you can use words to describe the experience for someone else. Verbal reality limits us to what we already have words for. Compared to the vast reaches of what actually is, our verbal reality encompasses only a very small bit. Through experiential reality we gain direct access to an immense treasury of unnamed wordless resources.
Radiant Joy Brilliant Love Page 65