“Ready when you girls are.”
Gail has already disappeared into the kitchen again, so Noelle starts that way—but she stops after a couple steps. She turns her head in my direction just enough to make me think there’s something she wants to say, but not enough for her to look at me.
If any part of me has her attention right now, it’s my shoes.
Feeling strangely hooked, I wait to hear what’s on her mind.
All she does in the end is inhale slowly and tuck her hair behind her ear. It gives me a good view of the slight smile curving up to the one pink cheek I can see.
“A wonderful day awaits, hmm?” she remarks. Then she faces forward and starts walking again.
Well, I don’t really think that’s all she’s got.
But it’s okay, because yes—yes, a wonderful day does await. I can feel it.
In the kitchen, I join her and everyone else in chatting about nothing. It only lasts a minute because Theodora pauses playing with the hem of Noelle’s breezy white shirt to remind us of her hunger, which she definitely isn’t alone in.
Noelle picks her up and settles her on one hip, then lets out a cheerful sigh. “Okay. Let’s go on our picnic!”
“Yes!” Theo starts gently raking at Noelle’s hair with her little fingers. “I’m gonna fix your hair while you carry me.”
The rest of us laugh. I think we’ve all sat through her tugging, twisting, mussing attempts at hair-fixing. Not always comfortable, but always silly.
In fact, Theo says now that I’m going to carry her next so she can fix my hair. I pretend to be terrified, and it makes her cackle.
After we collect the stuff she brought to her sleepover, heartfelt goodbyes are exchanged and the three of us promise to be careful. Then we hit the road.
With Noelle driving her car since mine isn’t in great shape, I’m free to turn around in the passenger seat.
I ask Theo, “So what did Grammie and Papaw say when you asked if they’ll love you forever?”
“Ooh, yeah,” Noelle adds in. “Tell us what they said!”
Theo keeps gazing out her window. “They said….”
Unsure if she’s distracted or trying to remember, I wait patiently. And with amusement, honestly, because she’s just the cutest thing and I’m happy to be with her again.
The mischievous smile she tries to hide only intensifies that.
“They said…” she twists her hands together and looks at them with a giggle, “…they love me so much and forever and they will let me eat cookies and candy all day when I’m with them!”
Noelle and I burst into laughter.
“Wow, they said that?” I play along.
She does it too. “They never let me eat cookies and candy all day!”
Theo is giggling like crazy now. “They didn’t really say it! I’m just kitten!”
That furthers our laughter. I, for one, don’t know if she meant to say it like that or just mispronounced ‘kidding,’ but either way, it’s great.
She excitedly bounces her dangling legs up and down. “I have the best Grammie and the best Papaw and the best Mommy and the best Uncle Beck ever, ever, ever, ever!”
As the bright words settle on me, my breath catches a little.
It doesn’t seem like she realizes who she left out of the lineup.
Even though I feel deep, golden gratitude that I’m in it, sadness pangs through me.
How often does she think about…?
Obviously, she hasn’t outright forgotten about him. She loved him so very, very much. I know he lives on in her memory and in her heart, like he does with the rest of us. There’s no question about it.
Still, he doesn’t get added to her list of beloved people no matter how long I wait for it. She has kept up her cheerful mood, gone back to looking out her window, started making up a song about clouds.
So I finally reply between lyrics, “We have the best Theodora.”
“Ever, ever,” Noelle agrees softly. “Ever, ever.”
Theo pauses her singing long enough to say, “Yep!” and then she’s back in her own little world.
I face forward in my seat again. Then I look at Noelle. Her breaths are being carefully measured, I notice. Her left hand is firm around the steering wheel, and the engagement ring on her right hand is being twisted between her other fingers, helped along by her thumb, glinting in the late-morning sunlight slanting across her lap.
I’m sure she noticed what I noticed.
Since I’m also sure it made her sad like it made me sad, I want to reach over and soothe her—squeeze her arm, hold her hand.
But for the first time in quite a while, I find myself refraining. Doesn’t seem like it would be right for me to enjoy touching her in this moment…or, potentially, for her to enjoy touching me.
I settle for sending her a quiet, irrelevant, safe, “You ‘bout ready to get into those Funyuns?”
They’re one of her favorite snacks. When we went to the grocery store, she moaned and groaned about how hard it was going to be to hold off on them until lunch.
My mention of them now brings a smile to her face. Not the biggest one I’ve ever seen, but it’ll do.
“I’m so ready for our picnic that I can’t stand it,” she says beneath Theo’s cloud song.
I don’t exactly grin myself, but a small smile is better than none. “Yeah. So am I.”
Her smile grows just a bit.
I relish that before I look out my own window and tune in to the song.
It’s crazy how these girls can remind me of the pain of Cliff being gone and be the only things that truly comfort me in the face of it.
—
We don’t have much to prepare when we get to Noelle’s house. We’re able to quickly pack a backpack cooler and a tote cooler, then add a blanket and a Bluetooth speaker to the plastic bag containing the fun stuff we bought for Theo.
Once Theo herself has gotten changed into the princess costume she mentioned, along with the glittery lovebug headband I got her for Valentine’s Day, it’s officially park time.
The grayness that touched me and Noelle on the way back from her parents’ house has dissipated. We’re back in the same good mood as the kid. It doesn’t even waver when we get to the park and find the lot we were planning to leave her car in is closed off for construction. The next closest one will add some distance to our walk to the picnic-appropriate grassy area, but it doesn’t bother us.
“Guess we’ll be getting some extra exercise,” she says as we drive to that other lot.
“Guess so! It’ll be fun.”
“Mmhmm!”
A couple minutes later, we’re parked and the three of us are out of the car. I put on the backpack cooler while Noelle takes up the tote one and our plastic bag of goodies. Then we set off.
The day instantly closes its arms around us. Cold rain will be here later, but for the time being, the mixture of sunshine and cloud cover is just right. It suits the temperature well—right when you think the wind is a little too chilly, the sun warms you until the air is pleasantly still again.
Freaking awesome day to be outdoors, especially for a picnic.
Theo walks ahead of us, her headband sparkling and her costume a sweet pop of pink in the sunlight. Though she isn’t too far away for comfort, I keep an eye out all the same, ready for anything, as always. We’ve never personally had a kidnapping scare or seen her get badly hurt, but you can’t be too careful.
‘Take care of my girls, Beck.’
I let go of a sigh.
Sometimes, remembering those words hurts worse than hell. Hurts way down deep inside me, in a place only the loss of him has ever managed to reach because no other pain in my life was as real and true as that. Because no other thing or person mattered to me as much as he did.
Most times, though, the words make me feel steady and strong, like nothing can knock me down. Not just because they remind me that I’ve been given the most important task in the world, but a
lso because I feel like I can carry it out. No question, no problem whatsoever.
This is one of those latter times.
I miss Cliff and wish he could be here to see Lovebug Princess Theo gasp gleefully about the butterfly that just fluttered by, but I treasure at least being able to see it myself. Treasure being able to spend time with the most precious girls either of us have ever known so that I—and he, if he’s looking down on us—can be certain they’re in the best of hands.
Also, no, my ex wouldn’t have understood any of this if I had told her about it while we were dating. I’m glad I didn’t attempt to trust her with it. She would’ve just….
Fireworks spiral up and down my arm as a gentle touch curls around my elbow.
Thoughts utterly derailed, I look at Noelle—and I step sideways toward her, too, because she’s tugging me that way.
“Watch out,” she says easily, like she’s remarking on the nice weather and not pointing out the mess of something unfamiliar yet gross that I was about to step in.
It’s a friend touch, I remind my heartbeat. Ignore it. She’s just being a friend.
After I clear my throat, I manage to match her tone. “Aw. My hero.”
“Yep, that’s me.” With a teasingly glamourous air, she tosses her hair behind her shoulders. “I guess Super Beck rubbed off on me.”
I laugh and look forward to Theo again. She’s going more slowly than before, interested in a fluffy little dog being walked nearby.
Noelle must’ve refocused on her, too, because she chortles with me as Theo waves to the dog, which has looked in her direction.
The fireworks speak up again as Noelle’s hand slips down my arm, then away.
Shut up….
The thought sounds weaker in my head than the last one did.
But I concentrate on the kiddo. With the dog now gone, she’s pretending to be an airplane zigzagging through the sunshine.
As the idea occurs to me, I ask Noelle, “Care if I help Theo fly a little better?”
“Help away, Uncle Beck!”
Good thing the cooler I’m carrying is the backpack one. It makes it easy to put my plan into action.
I dash forward, declaring, “Attention, fliers! Theodora Airlines is hitting the skies!”
She whirls around to look at me a beat before I sweep her up in my arms. Then she explodes into laughter and, as always, the sound fills my heart with joy.
I fix her horizontally the best I can. “Prepare for take-off!”
She sticks her arms out to the sides. “I’m prepared!”
I start running, and the open air rings with her shrieks of delight.
This particular area isn’t as spacious as the one we’re headed for. There’s a sidewalk, off to one side of which is some playground equipment, and the big pond is nearby, too, so ducks and geese are milling about here and there. But I’m able to steer Theo around pretty easily and avoid people and small obstacles. Except for Noelle, of course—we run plenty of circles around her, and it’s fun.
After a couple minutes, we’re almost to the area she and I had in mind when we planned this outing. However, I find that between here and there lies a shallow rut of standing water going perpendicular to us through the grass. Though not super wide, it’s oddly muddy considering it hasn’t rained for several days, so I set Theo down on her feet. We don’t need to goof off too much while stepping over.
“All right,” I sigh, slightly breathless. “We’re almost there!”
“I’m gonna jump over the mud!” she announces.
From behind us, Noelle warns, “Be careful or you might slip.”
“I will! I mean, I’ll be careful! I do not mean I’ll slip!”
We chortle as she readies herself a few feet back from the rut. Then she takes off running and jumps and—nice! She lands stumblingly but safely on the other side.
“Wow!” Noelle calls proudly.
“Great job!” I agree.
“I win!” Theo yells, punching the air. Then she beckons us with both hands. “Come on! Mommy! Uncle Beck! Jump!”
I turn around and raise my eyebrows at Noelle, who is catching up to me. “I’m tempted, but I’m also suspicious that this child is trying to get us to bust our asses in public.”
“So am I!” Grinning, she adjusts the tote on her shoulder. “I think I’ll play it safe today.”
I wink at her before turning to call back to Theo, “Nope, we’re not gonna jump! We’re scaredy cats!”
“Ha! Scaredy cats!”
“Yep, so wait right there for us to cross over.”
She crouches down to mess with some grass. I approach the edge of the mud and Noelle does, too, her mouth in a tilted line as she inspects the ground.
“Why is this even muddy right now?” she wonders.
“I was thinking the same thing earlier. Maybe it’s from the pond somehow.”
It takes a stretching step to get my foot across the mud, but my stance seems to be fine. I’ll be able to help her over without much trouble.
Getting a good breath isn’t so easy, but I try not to let it show as I hold my hand out to her.
It isn’t a big deal, I tell myself again. Touching her isn’t a big deal. We’re friends.
But those things are hard to believe when recent moments that didn’t feel friend-like are wisping up in my mind. They’re hard to believe when she’s glancing between my face and my hand with light eyes, drawing a breath that doesn’t seem to go any deeper than mine because my offer clearly isn’t meaningless to her either.
It’s hard as hell to believe touching her isn’t a big deal when each millisecond of inaction makes me feel a little bit more like I’m starving for the contact. Like I need it.
The softest smile graces her lips before she finally takes my hand.
I’m instantly sated.
She’s breathing more easily than she was a second ago.
Then she’s mirroring me as she steps over the mud, and our other hands are somehow clasping together, too, as we face each other—it’s so sudden that I don’t know which of us initiated it. And the fireworks aren’t just coming back, they’re doubling, and I can’t keep in a little laugh, slightly nervous. But that’s okay because she echoes it.
She has to stretch bigger than I did to get across the mud since my legs are longer. We get her to the other side pretty smoothly, though, and then I get myself over there with her.
I’ve squeezed her hands before I know it. She does it back without pause.
What am I doing?
Theo bounces up and presents us with some tiny yellow flowers she managed to find in the grass. We let go of each other and admire our sweet gifts.
As the three of us continue toward our destination, Noelle and I end up walking so close together that our arms brush with almost every step we take. It’s a little awkward and a lot enjoyable, and I can’t seem to make myself put a stop to it. The close proximity makes us chuckle more when avoiding a big ant pile has us bumping goofily into each other.
But it’s a short-lived pleasure because we’re soon arriving at the perfect place to set up our picnic.
That’s just fine—we’re as hungry and ready to play around in this weather as Theo is.
We commandeer a little spot of the open grassy area and start unloading.
The blanket hasn’t been spread out on the ground for ten whole seconds before Theo is jumping up and down and chanting, “Yay! Kite! Yay! Yay!”
“Is that what you wanna do first?” I ask.
“Yes!”
I set down the backpack, then step over to Noelle to retrieve the kite from the plastic bag. “No bubbles yet?”
“No, not yet!”
“Well, your wish is my command!” I lift my chin at Noelle. “As long as Mama says it’s okay, that is.”
“Fine with me,” Noelle confirms, “if The-o-dor-a promises to split her time between playing and eating her lunch. A girl’s gotta eat!”
Theo had stopped bouncing,
but she picks back up on it now. “I promise!”
I start getting the package open. “All right, then!”
She squeaks, and it makes me smile. In fact, she gets so caught up in excitement that she either doesn’t hear Noelle speaking to her or chooses to flat-out ignore her. Then Noelle laughingly repeats herself, so Theo hops away to choose what kind of sandwich she wants to eat.
Contentedness flickers through me, sweet and settling.
I glance up from the paper slip of instructions, and I watch one girl choose between turkey and PB&J while the other finally opens that bag of Funyuns she’s been looking forward to for the last two hours.
As Noelle crunches down on one of the yellow rings, she glances at me, too, and sighs in comical satisfaction.
“Cutie,” I remark.
She only has time to adopt bright eyes before a confused Theo replies, “I’m not even doing anything!”
Noelle’s amused eyes widen along with mine.
She promptly tells the kiddo, “You are, too, doing something!”
“Yep, existing,” I supply.
“That’s right!”
Theo titters and hunches her shoulders. “Oh.”
I grin at her, then at Noelle, then down at the kite instructions.
Okay, let’s see….
I’ve never assembled one of these before, but it doesn’t look like too much of a hassle. More than anything, I need to take care not to accidentally break or tear something; Theo freaking adores this unicorn thing, and I don’t want to ruin it somehow.
It takes me long enough that she has her sandwich in hand the next time she shows up beside where I’m crouched down.
“I’ll share wif you,” she tells me around a bite, holding out her PB&J, missing-chunk-side first.
“Aw, you sweetie.” I reach up and give her sleeve a light tug. “Thank you, but I’m gonna get my own sandwich in just a minute.”
“Sooner than that,” Noelle interjects. I look over and see she’s piling meat onto some bread. “Turkey, cheese, and mayo, right?”
It’s hard to decide whether it’s more heartwarming that she’s clearly making my lunch for me or that Princess Theo has crouched down right next to me so she can work in some side-snuggles while she eats.
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