Yes. That’s right.
I can try new things without being afraid.
At that, I’m reminded of the idea of getting back into a dance class.
My stomach flips with a kind of longing I spent years pushing away…but that I pay attention to now.
With my new confidence in hand, I resolve to at least look into Beckett’s suggestion. He was right: if I miss dancing, there’s no actual good reason for me to never do it again in some capacity. Why hold myself back?
And here’s another good entertainment idea for tonight, huh? Cleo might like seeing a recital DVD as much as Theo always does.
My sweet girl gives my phone back to me, then waltzes away and starts making up a song about how happy she is.
Grinning, I decide I should join her.
- 21 -
B E C K E T T
now
“Are you serious?” I laugh my ass off along with Noelle, whose smile owns me even over FaceTime.
“Yes,” she barely manages to say. Her head drops forward, causing a cascade of dark hair to slip over her shoulders. Her laughter is visibly shaking her in the light of her bedside lamp.
That fuels my own amusement, as if replaying what she’s just told me doesn’t already have a stitch forming in my side.
I missed Theo cussing for the first time, and I am so disappointed about it.
She and her little friend were apparently eating pizza and dancing to some music at the same time. Theo stumbled over her own feet and dropped her pizza delicious-side-down on the carpet, then took an appalled breath and shrieked, “Are you shitting me?”
Noelle said Cleo gasped and froze with the biggest eyes, like she was about to witness Theo getting into a world of trouble. But Noelle just turned away with her face in her hands, trying to hide how much she was cracking up.
“My dad, Beck,” she says now, looking at me again, having caught her breath. I can see how pink her cheeks are. “Theo said she heard him cuss like that the last time we were at their house, ‘cause he dropped and broke something when they were out in his shop. I had no idea, but…” she shakes her head and laughs all over again, “…oh my God, it was so hard to…. I wish you’d been there to help me, ‘cause I couldn’t do anything except….”
Yeah, I can’t do much but laugh right now either.
“I wish that too,” I get out after several seconds. “But I’m glad they’ve had a great time.”
She nods and tries to calm down again. “Yeah.”
I just watch her, smiling and missing being with her, until she’s able to go on speaking.
“I’m glad you had fun doing your own thing. Woodworking sounds hard.”
Shrugging, I say, “Just gotta be careful and pay attention to what you’re working on. It’s weird to be working with those tools, but it’s also fun. Your dad is helpful.”
“Yeah, it’s really sweet that he decided to build something new alongside you so you can both be starting from scratch.”
“I know. I really appreciate that.”
We go quiet at last. She tilts her head just a little as her softening eyes dance over me; she misses me too.
“Good job handling two goofy kids on your own,” I murmur to her. “Proud of you.”
“I’m proud of myself. Thank you.”
“Also proud of Theo for cleaning her room so well.”
Noelle grins. “Yes! She did great.” Her brows lift sweetly. “Wasn’t that book thing so special?”
I was just about to mention that.
I groan. “Holy God, it was. I loved it. Might make it the background picture on my phone.”
“That’s a good idea. You’ll smile every time you see it.” She lightly snaps her fingers. “Oh, hey, wanna eat lunch with us tomorrow? Here or out somewhere. Cleo leaves around ten in the morning.”
Simply, I reply, “Yep.”
Her expression shines with happiness.
Damn it, girl, I love being able to make you look like that.
Shortly, I add, “We’re not gonna have much time to see each other on Monday, huh?”
She seems to be coming out of her own suddenly sweet thoughts. “Right. I won’t be leaving work at the usual time since Theo’s preschool thing for grandparents is that afternoon. They’re gonna take her home with them and keep her for a few hours while I do some interviews at the shop.”
“Yeah, that’s right. And I’ve got that retirement dinner to go to for someone at work.”
“Yeah.”
We exchange quiet looks.
Then I put the hopeful suggestion out there: “So, not just lunch tomorrow, then? Let’s all do that and then something else?”
Smiling, she nods. “Anything else.”
I smile back.
I wish so badly that I could kiss her, though. Hug her. See that smile in person. Hold her while we sleep again.
In this moment, it occurs to me that my bed has never felt so lonely.
Have I ever felt quite so lonely?
She whispers, “Am I stupid for missing you?”
And I know the answer to both her question and mine is a clear no.
I shake my head and let my eyes drift along the soft fall of her hair over her shoulders. Then my eyes find hers again and soak up the tenderness in them.
“I miss you too,” I tell her. “Took us long enough to realize we could video chat for our nighttime calls instead of just talk on the phone.”
“Yeah, we owe it all to Theodora, don’t we? For wanting to tell you goodnight over FaceTime again? Finally made us use our brains a little bit.”
My heart is warmed anew by that short call. “We do owe it to her.”
I can’t keep laughter from bubbling up as I remember her cussing.
Before I can bring it up again, Noelle is giggling much like she was when she told me about that whole thing, leaving me with the distinct feeling we’re on the same page.
What a privilege it is to be in her story.
—
In the fresh golden light of Sunday morning, I lie in bed with one hand on my chest and the other behind my head. I can feel my heart thumping under my palm; its rhythm has been a bit quick during these few minutes I’ve been awake.
I don’t try to calm myself, though, or fend off what has been building in me.
I just gaze up at my ceiling and get ready to talk to Cliff.
It’s time for that.
For many days now, I’ve known I need to talk to him about everything, whether I’ve wanted to know it or not.
The idea of visiting where we took his ashes has drifted into my mind a time or two. It’s a nice place, and it would make me feel close to him. However, the feeling of now being the right time is overwhelming me—he doesn’t seem to be far from me at all even though I’m just in my apartment. I think I need to listen to that.
Nervousness is prickling at me, as it has been for some time.
It’s not stronger than this urge, though.
I can do this.
Swallowing hard, I close my eyes.
“It was an accident,” I start, my voice still rough from sleep.
The words settle on the air.
I don’t know if it feels fuller than usual or if I’m imagining that—don’t know if he’s really listening or if I just want him to be.
It doesn’t matter either way. This needs to be said.
My eyes drift back open and fix on nothing.
“I didn’t ask for this. Didn’t hope this would happen. Didn’t want my lifelong best friend to—to die so I could have a chance with his woman. Any time I used to think maybe I could have a relationship like yours someday, I didn’t mean a relationship with her. I didn’t mean that I wanted to be you. Cliff, we miss you so fucking much—I wouldn’t have traded you for anything or anyone. You were priceless to me.”
The corners of my eyes are stinging already.
My lungs feel like they’re being gripped by every syllable bottled up in me.
“But I can’t lie to you, brother,” I get out. “Now that I’ve come as close to her as I have, I do want a chance with her. I—I wanna take the chance I have with her. She said I make her feel whole, and I don’t want that to change. I wanna hold her and know her even more than I already…. Christ, I wanna be held and known by her. But you know, we’ve been through hell without you, and it’s a miracle already that we brought each other out of it and have taken care of Theo at the same time, so I don’t even know how this other stuff happened. I swear to you, Cliff, I don’t.”
A hot teardrop is about to escape one of my eyes, so I rub it away with the heel of my hand.
“I didn’t mean to fall for her.”
I never would’ve done that to you on purpose.
“I know you didn’t mean it like this either. Right before you went away…you weren’t ceding her to me. At least, I don’t think you were. Not impossible, I guess, if I cared to think a lot about it, but I don’t because that’s not….”
With a sniffle, I sit up. Move my blanket back, turn until I’m sitting on the edge of the bed. Find myself gazing at the desk chair across from me like he’s in it.
“All I know,” I say throatily, “is that what you wanted me to do—what you definitely did want me to do? I’ve done that. What she and Theo and I needed me to do, I’ve done. Watching out for them and letting them watch out for me just turned into this along the way, piece by piece, all by itself, without us noticing so we could stop it.”
I blink wetly at where he doesn’t sit.
Over and over again, I think, I’m sorry.
It’s the most I’ve thought it in all this time.
I’ve felt so bad about everything that it hasn’t been easy to even silently apologize. It’s like the truth of where my heart lies was so hard to accept that apologizing wouldn’t have made me feel better somehow, would’ve only made it all more real.
That isn’t where I’m at anymore.
I can finally say out loud, “So I’m sorry. You were my brother. I think you get where I’m coming from ‘cause I was your brother right back and—and we understood each other, but I’m still so sorry.”
It’s becoming clear that I need a tissue, so I lean over and grab one from my nightstand. Then I feel like getting on my feet while I blow my nose, so I do that too.
Standing up turns into sluggishly pacing around the room.
Apologies and explanations turn into what I’ve been thinking to myself lately, partly on my own and partly with Blaze’s help.
“I’ve been told I deserve to be happy. Been told I deserve good things just like everyone else. You and Noelle and Blaze have all said that to me for one reason or another, at one point or another. You know it used to be so hard for me to believe, but I’ve gotten a lot better about it. Except for lately, I mean, when I’ve been trying not to care about her the wrong way.”
Although I know where my train of thought is going, those last words still surprise me a bit. They managed to sneak up on me and fall out of my mouth.
So I go on more quietly, “I don’t know, though. Don’t know if it’s actually wrong. I didn’t mean to fall for her, but it only happened because of where life took us after we lost a massive piece of ourselves. We were just taking the days as they came at us.”
My feet slow to a stop.
“Is it a waste of time to stay caught up in what any of us expected to happen or meant to do? Life does whatever it wants with everybody. It does whatever it wants, so whenever beautiful things grace us with their presence, our focus should be on cherishing them for as long as we can, right? Because they’re gifts and we don’t know when they’ll go away and we deserve the moments of peace we find in all this bullshit?”
Yes.
The word is in my head—my heart too—but it seems to fill my bedroom.
And I realize I’m not talking only to Cliff anymore. I’m also talking to Beckett.
I’m trying to help him forgive himself for potentially causing pain to someone he dearly loved, even though that person is gone.
But…did I even do that?
Did I dishonor my best friend’s memory, or was it just a terrible fear I had because his memory is one of the few pieces I have left of him and I didn’t want anything to happen to it?
The possibility sticks with me right away.
Maybe…just maybe that’s the real truth.
Maybe I haven’t done anything unforgivable.
Maybe Cliff isn’t angry wherever he is, if the afterlife even lets passed souls linger on.
Maybe he knows the happiest and safest place for Noelle and Theodora is with me.
Maybe it hasn’t wounded him—maybe it has allowed him to rest.
That overwhelming thought hits me harder and dives deeper than the guilt I’ve been carrying around.
I rush my face into my hands right as I fully burst into tears.
There’s no way to know if he’s really still looking down on us. There’s no way to know if he’s capable of caring about how our lives are unfolding, or if his memory really does simply stay in our hearts.
What I know is that living in fear and regret and shadow doesn’t sound like something he would want for us. He believed in looking forward. He believed in seeking happiness.
That’s what he’d want us to do. He’d want us to be happy.
At last, it’s all coming together in my head, my chest, my very core.
Knots of uncertainty are loosening in me.
The burn of aggrieved guilt is being soothed.
Because as solidly as if Cliff’s hand were on my shoulder, I’m comprehending that I’m…okay.
Love isn’t forbidden to me and Noelle just because there was love between them first. What they shared back then was a blessing in a lot of ways, but what we share now doesn’t overshadow or insult or take away from it. Those are just two parts of the one life we were each given.
“We think about you all the time,” I say thickly. “Theo is like you in a lot of ways, and she loves you, and she remembers your love. And Noelle and I…God, there’s no way we could ever forget what you gave us. We’re so thankful to you for who you were. We couldn’t have asked for anyone better. You changed us for the better, Cliff. It doesn’t matter how Noelle and I end up—nothing can change how important you were to us.”
Once again, I fall quiet.
I let all of this ring in the air between him and me—between me and me.
It feels like I’ve gotten everything out of me, but there’s no rush to wrap it up. I’ve got time to think about whether there’s anything else that needs to be set free right now.
I end up sitting on the edge of my bed again, a new tissue in hand, my eyes drying as I let them drift over the stillness of the room.
I’m not sure exactly how much time passes.
By the time I decide on one last thing to say, though, I feel like a great weight has been removed from me. My head isn’t such a mess. My body doesn’t feel so heavy.
I feel calmer than I have in a long, long time…
…even longer than these last few weeks, it seems, though I don’t fully understand that part.
But I’ve found both grief and healing to be complicated and uncontrollable. There are a lot of parts that make sense and a lot that don’t; you oftentimes think you have a handle on it and you know what’s going on, only for something to come up and hit you from a new angle.
All that really matters is that you keep going. Crawling, feeling crazy, breaking and rebuilding, going forward and backward and forward again—it’s all part of it. Things will start leveling out somewhere.
Before then, it’s a mess. That’s just the way it is.
It’s a mess my loved ones and I are still in.
Two years is a long time, but it also isn’t. We aren’t fully used to Cliff’s absence; if we ever will be, that point is somewhere in the distance.
We’re still adapting to the new path we’ve been set on. Although good things have
been discovered that are only ours, there’s no forgetting where we came from, and some of those old ripples will reach out for years yet.
Sighing, I think back on how Cliff used to laugh with me, with Noelle, with his daughter. I think about how he used to talk to us and look at us like we were all individually and collectively the greatest thing in his life.
We were that.
“Thank you so much for taking care of us,” I tell him. “We’ll keep taking care of each other. Until the day I die, too, Cliff, I swear I’ll be the best I can be for them.”
After a second, I actually find myself chuckling.
“They make it easy for a guy to wanna do that, don’t they? Be the best he can be?”
If he’s really listening, I know he’s laughing at that too.
‘Dude, they really do,’ I can practically hear him saying.
Still amused, I wipe at my eyes, then at the rest of my face. I need a shower before it’s time to go see Noelle and Theodora.
As I get to my feet again, I add, “Love you, brother.”
And I fully believe that not even death can take away how much he loved us.
There’s no way to not smile a bit about that as I get ready to greet the rest of my day…
…and, really, the rest of my life.
—
I’m glad I was able to have a lazily fun day with the girls on Sunday afternoon, because on Monday, work is nothing but stressful.
It makes not getting to see them today even more disappointing.
Blaze, our boss, and I leave the building almost an hour later than usual, having spent the day scrambling to deal with Derek finally growing tired enough of his job to abruptly quit. Now all I want in life is a replay of yesterday with Noelle and Theo, which involved watching shows about animals and drinking peppermint hot chocolate and finally getting to practice simple dance lifts with Noelle like I’ve wanted to since my YouTube idea first came to me.
I recall how excited she got when I lifted her up into an off-the-floor arabesque, her arms and legs positioned in an expertly graceful way. It has me wanting to hear her voice right this minute.
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