by Nikki Ash
“It’s fine. I had a light afternoon anyway. Can I do anything?”
That voice. My body is frozen as my night with her comes rushing back. I’d know that voice anywhere. I’ve heard it every fucking day over the last year. In my dreams, walking down the street, in a restaurant, you name it, and my mind has made me think that it’s her when it’s never been quite right, not until right now at this moment. My memories and my present are colliding, and I know it’s her before I even see her.
“Luckily, my brother Trevin showed up just in time for the second round of vomiting. I hope you don’t mind. Clint woke her up, and I asked Trevin to help.”
“It’s fine. I’ll gather her things and get out of your way. Is there anything I can do while I’m here?”
“No. I’ve already started my second load of laundry for the day, and Trevin’s here if I need anything. Come on in, and I’ll introduce you.”
I know that in a matter of seconds, I’m going to see her again. My heart is racing, and my palms are sweating. As if the little angel in my arms knows I’m nervous, her tiny hand rests against my cheek, and my heart trips over in my chest.
“Cadence, this is my brother, Trevin. Trev, this is Cadence, and that’s her little girl you’re holding,” Thea introduces.
Cadence, also known as my dream girl, the one who has consumed my every other memory for over a year is standing before me. My breath stalls in my chest as her eyes widen. She looks from me to her daughter and back again.
My wheels start to turn. Her daughter. I look down at the tiny human in my arms, and that tight feeling in my chest intensifies. “H-How old is she?” I ask, my eyes laser-focused on Cadence.
“Three months,” she whispers.
I nod as I count the time in my mind. It’s been exactly thirteen months tomorrow from the night we shared together. A night I’ll never for the rest of my life forget. “What’s her name?” I ask. My voice is gritty like I’ve swallowed sandpaper.
“H-Hazel.” She clears her throat. “Her name is Hazel.”
“Hazel,” I repeat softly. My lips find the top of my daughter’s head as I close my eyes and breathe her in.
My daughter.
There isn’t a single doubt in my mind that she’s mine. The look in her mother’s eyes tells me all that I need to know.
I’m a father.
“Um, what’s going on here?”
“Thea,” Cadence says, her voice breaking. “He’s, I mean Trevin, your brother, he’s Hazel Eyes,” she says, her voice barely audible over the thunderous beat of my heart.
“Oh my God,” Thea murmurs.
“I didn’t know your name. I didn’t know how to find you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Cadence says as tears begin to race down her cheeks.
Carefully, I stand with our daughter in my arms. I don’t stop until I’m close enough to snake my arm around her waist and pull her into me. A sob breaks free from her chest, and I find myself fighting back the emotions of the moment. She’s here in my arms, and she’s not alone. I have a daughter. We have a daughter.
Clint lets out a whimper that has me lifting my head to catch my sister's eye. She’s smiling and crying as she tries to soothe her son. I never told a single soul about that night. No one except for Scott, my best friend, and I know from the look on my sister's face, he told his wife.
“Can we go somewhere and talk?” I ask Cadence. Such a beautiful name. It suits her. I also need to know everything. I want to hold her, hold both of them, and just… hell, I don’t even know. I’m mad that she ran out on me that night, but I’m also mad at myself for spouting all that spontaneity bullshit. I’d known the minute I got my hands on her she was different. That was confirmed when I pushed inside her for the first time. I should have told her then that I wanted more than just one night with her. I should have insisted I get her name. There are so many could haves… should haves. But she’s here. They’re here, and we need to figure this out.
“I-I live across the hall,” she tells me, reaching for Hazel.
“Can I? I’m not ready to let her go yet.” Fuck me, but I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to let her go. This tiny little angel is a part of me. How do I walk away from that?
“O-Okay. Let me just grab her bag.” She tugs out of my arms, and I miss her warmth. I want nothing more than to pull her back into my arms and kiss the hell out of her, but there are things that need to be said.
“Trev?” Thea says. I turn to look at her. “You good?” There are tears in her eyes, and a smile on her lips. Her husband, my best friend, definitely cannot keep a secret.
I nod because I don’t really know what I am. I’m angry. So damn angry that I missed too much time with my daughter. With Cadence. With my family. There is so much swirling in my mind right now, I can’t really determine which is stronger—anger for what I’ve missed. Hurt for the memories we’ve lost. Relief that she’s here, that Cadence is within my reach, something I never thought would be a possibility. Disbelief that she’s been living next door to my sister, for I don’t know how long.
I’ve heard Thea talk about her friend next door who was unexpectedly a single mom, and she was helping her out, and it gave her some extra spending money. All this time, it was my dream girl and my daughter. My dumbass let fear keep me away when I could have been with them.
“Thea, do you need me? Need anything?” Cadence asks. There’s a tremble in her voice.
“No. You two go ahead. But call me later.” Thea gives no room for argument in her response.
“Will do,” Cadence says before turning her gaze to me. “Ready?”
“Love you, sis,” I say, not taking my eyes off Cadence.
“Love you too, big brother,” she says softly.
I follow Cadence out the door and to the one directly across the hall. As I hold our daughter in my arms and follow her into her apartment, I can’t help but think that this is my family. They’re my family.
My mind is a jumbled mess. I hope Cadence didn’t have plans tonight because we have a lot to talk about, I think, as I shut the door behind us.
Chapter Five
Cadence
Fumbling with the keys, my hands shake as I try to unlock my apartment door. The weight of his presence behind me is a reminder of what we’re about to face. What I’m about to face. The mistake of my past, not Hazel, and not him, but leaving him, is about to catch up with me.
“Take a deep breath,” he instructs as he places his hand on the small of my back. The heat from his skin seeping through my shirt isn’t at all unwelcome. After all this time, my body remembers his touch. The shiver that rolls over me is all the reminder I need.
Closing my eyes, I pull in a slow, deep breath and exhale in the same manner. Steeling my resolve, I open my eyes and manage to get the key in the door and turn the lock. Stepping inside, I hold the door open, allowing Hazel Eyes, who I now know as Trevin, to enter.
After shutting the door, I place Hazel’s diaper bag on the floor next to the couch. “I can take her,” I offer.
“No.” His voice is clipped, and Hazel whimpers in his arms. “I’m sorry, baby girl,” he whispers, placing his lips on her head. “Daddy’s sorry.” His tone’s feather-soft as he speaks to our daughter.
My heart is thundering in my chest and feels as though it might explode at any moment. “I’m sorry,” I croak out my apology. I don’t know what else to say.
Standing in my small living room, I watch as he settles his tall frame on the couch, expertly holding our baby girl as if he’s done it a million times in her short life. Shuffling so that she’s lying in the crook of his arm, his eyes rake over her, almost as if he’s committing everything about her to memory.
I don’t move. My body is statue-still as I watch them together. It’s not until he glances up at me that I move to sit for fear my knees will give out, and I’ll end up a pile in the middle of the floor.
“Cadence,” he murmurs my name. “Why did you leave?”
There it is. The question I knew that I’d one day have to face. I just imagined it being our daughter asking, not her father.
“I—” I open my mouth to tell him I was saving him the trouble and decide he deserves my honesty. “I was scared.” I swallow hard, collecting my thoughts. Wiping my sweaty palms on my dress pants, I push forward. “You made me feel too much, too soon, and we were strangers. I told myself it was to save you time in the morning. We went into the night with our eyes wide open. I knew it was a fling. But with each passing minute, it felt less like a fling and more like… everything,” I confess.
“If you would have stayed—” He shakes his head, and I can hear not only the disappointment but the sadness in his voice. “I missed this,” he says, staring down at Hazel in his arms. “I missed you.” His voice is so soft I almost miss his confession. Lifting his head, his hazel eyes bore into mine. “I’m angry. I’m so fucking angry,” he says in a hushed tone. “But you’re not the only one to blame. I’ll own my part in this. I didn’t offer my name or get yours, even though I wanted to. In fact, I had planned to. The next day.”
“Oh, no.” I cover my mouth with my hand to prevent my sob from falling from my lips. Not that it matters. My shoulders shake on their own accord from my cries, and there is no hiding it.
“What’s her full name?” he asks.
“Hazel Marie Wade.”
“Cadence Wade,” he mumbles. I’m not even sure he realizes he’s said it. “I want her to have my last name.”
“Okay.”
His head pops up. “Just like that?”
“You’re her father.”
“I’m her father,” he agrees with a nod.
“Trevin, I’m sorry. I tried to get the hotel to give me your information, but they refused. It didn’t matter how much I begged and pleaded or how many tears I cried. They wouldn’t budge. I didn’t know what else to do. It was just the two of us that night. There was no one I could ask about who you were. My only choice was to move on.”
“What about her? What about Hazel? Were you going to tell her about me?”
I nod. “Yeah. My life growing up was… not one a child ever dreams of. I made a vow the day I found out about her that she would know what I knew about you.”
“What’s that? What do you know about me?” His tone is soft, and his eyes are full of intrigue.
“That you were a handsome man, who gave me not only the best night of my life but my greatest gift. Her.” I hold his stare. I promised myself and my daughter that if I ever crossed paths with him again, I’d tell him what that night meant to me. I’d tell him what he meant to me. It was one night, but my heart didn’t seem to care.
“Tell me everything. Were you sick? I mean, women who are pregnant get sick, right? When is her birthday? How much did she weigh? I’ve missed so much. I didn’t get to watch her grow inside you.”
“How much time do you have?” I ask, wiping the tears from my cheeks.
“I’m here all weekend.”
“I know you came to see Thea, Scott, and Clint.”
“They’ll understand.”
I nod. “It’s time for her to eat.”
“Can I do it?” he asks softly.
“Yeah,” I reply, just as soft. I stand and go to the kitchen to warm up a bottle and take it back to the living room. “She might not take it if she can see me. She’s used to being breastfed when I’m around. I’m going to step out of the room so that she’ll eat for you.”
“You can do it if she needs….” His voice trails off.
“No. This is breast milk.” I feel my cheeks pink from embarrassment. This man has had his mouth and hands on every inch of my body. We created a beautiful little girl together. I should be beyond embarrassment.
His heated gaze trails over my chest. My eyes zero in on his throat as he swallows hard. “If it’s better for her to, you know.” He nods toward my boobs.
“It’s the same thing, but it’s our bonding time. It’s fine. You need this time with her.”
“I don’t really know what I’m doing.”
“Here’s a burp cloth. When she’s about halfway through, you have to stop and burp her. Make sure this is on your shoulder. She sometimes spits up. She also might grumble and fuss because she’s a little piglet like that.” I smile at my baby girl, who has her eyes on me just from the familiar sound of my voice.
“How do I burp her?”
“I’ll be right here,” I assure him. “All you have to do is take the bottle from her and place her on your shoulder. Then you rub or pat her back softly until she burps.”
“Okay. I got this. We can do this, right, Hazel? You can help Daddy?” he asks, his voice raising an octave when he refers to himself as Daddy.
“I’m just going to step away, so she doesn’t see me.” I place the burp cloth over his shoulder and then hand him the bottle, quickly stepping out of Hazel’s line of sight.
“Mommy says this is a piece of cake. Take it easy on me, yeah?” he asks, placing the bottle to her lips.
Our little girl is a champ, and enjoys her bottle and goes to town. I’m far enough to the side that she can’t see me, but I have a clear view of the magnificent smile that lights up Trevin’s face as he feeds our daughter for the first time. As quietly as I can, I move to my purse that I placed on the floor near the diaper bag and dig out my phone before taking my place across the room. I snap picture after picture of the two of them, all while wiping tears that are silently racing down my cheeks.
“Mommy thinks she’s a photographer.” He chuckles. “You’re going to send me those, right?” he asks, not taking his eyes off our daughter.
“How did you know?” I ask.
“I can feel you. Don’t ask me to explain it because I can’t.”
I wasn’t going to ask, because I don’t need an explanation. I have the same intuition when it comes to him, just like when Thea opened the door for me earlier. I knew something big was about to happen. I could feel it. I just didn’t know what it was.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that my new friend, one who has been there for me since the day I moved in, would be my hazel eyes’ sister. It just goes to show you how small the world really is. Or maybe it’s fate? The universe’s way of telling us that we were meant to be together? That’s probably wishful thinking on my part, but I have to be honest with myself. He’s been my one and only since that night.
“You’re good with her.”
“She’s beautiful, Cadence. Her name. Is there a meaning behind it?”
I know he heard my hazel eyes comment when I was talking to Thea earlier. That’s all it took was telling her that her brother was Hazel Eyes, and she was caught up to speed as to what was happening between her brother and me.
“Marie is my middle name.”
“And Hazel?” From the tone of his voice, he’s fishing, but that’s okay. I’ll tell him what he wants to hear.
“Your eyes, they follow me in my dreams every night. I wanted her to have a piece of both of us, and well, that’s really all I had to go on that was appropriate to name a little girl.” I smile, and he chuckles.
“I like it.”
“What comes next?” I hate the wobble in my voice.
“Next?” He shrugs. “I don’t know, Cadence. What I do know is that she’s mine, I have no doubts, and I want to be in her life.”
“Just hers?” The question is out before I can think better of it. My already racing heart seems to kick it up a notch as I wait for his reply.
“You are her mother.”
“You know what I mean, Trevin.”
He nods. “I do, and honestly, I don’t know if I can think about that right now.”
“Please don’t take her from me,” I plead, my voice cracking.
“What?” The look on his face mixed with the tone of his voice tells me he’s appalled at the mere mention of him keeping her from me. “Do you think that’s the kind of man that I am? That I would keep my d
aughter from her mother?”
“I kept her from you.”
“That wasn’t your fault.”
“I left.”
“I’m just as much to blame. I didn’t tell you what was in my head. What was growing in my heart. Instead, I curled up with you in my arms and figured we could figure out in the morning.”
“And I was gone.”
“The past is the past. I promise you I won’t take her from you. I don’t… I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t live here. Decisions need to be made.”
The worry that’s been sitting on my chest eases just a fraction. He doesn’t want to take her from me, but what does that mean? We have decision to make? Does he want me to move? I’ve worked hard to build a life for Hazel and myself. This is the first true home I’ve ever had. I don’t want to leave. Taking a deep breath, I decide I have to trust his word, and trust that we will work it out together. “Would you like to stay for dinner?”
“Try getting me to leave your apartment before I have to. Unless she’s with me, I’m not going anywhere.”
His words cause my panic to rise again, but he promised he wouldn’t take her from me. The way that Thea talks about her brother, he’s good people. My gut tells me the same—the same exact way it did the night I followed him out of the club and to the nearby hotel. Fate brought him back to us. I have to have hope that everything will work out the way that it’s supposed to.
“Come keep me company while I make dinner. I have some photo albums you can look through.” I made it a point to catalog her life. One, because I don’t have any pictures from when I was her age, and two, I had always hoped the two of us would find our way back to each other, and he would want to see them.
With Hazel snuggled in his arms, Trevin follows me into the small kitchen and sits at the table looking through pictures of me when I was pregnant and every milestone our baby girl has surpassed in her short three months in the outside world. We eat dinner together, and Trevin helps me give her a bath, insisting on feeding her a bottle and rocking her to sleep. I hate losing that time with her, but I’ve had her for the last three months. It’s his turn. He deserves this time with her as well. I just hope that when he needs to go back to work, we can figure this out. Being that far from her would kill me.