by Nikki Ash
“This is why you haven’t been at work?”
“Yep.” He reaches over and drags a finger gently down her cheek affectionately. Something about this clueless man being so sweet makes my heart pound in my chest.
“You want me to stick around for a while so you can get this place picked up? No offense, but she’s going to contract a bacterial infection with all this filth.”
His eyes widen and his mouth drops open.
He’s completely forgotten he’s a capable doctor who knows how bacterial infections are contracted. Babies make even the smartest men dumb.
“Bro, I’m kidding. But for real, this place is a dump. I’ll snuggle the drama queen and you clean up.” I chuckle.
“Really? That would be helpful. Those diapers smell. I haven’t even had time for a shower in a week, let alone take out the trash.”
I lean in, getting close enough to sniff. “Oh my God. I take it back. Go shower, I’ll clean.”
“But what about…” he gestures to the bundle in my arms.
“She’s out cold. I’ll put her in the swing.” I get up and gently ease her into the contraption. I turn the knob and it starts swaying. “See? She’s fine. Go.”
“Thank you. Really, you don’t have to do this.”
“I know.” I shrug.
He gives me a tight-lipped smile and disappears behind a door that must be his bedroom. I look around, seeing disaster in every corner. No better place to start than the stinkiest. I dig through the cupboards until I find a box of garbage bags. For the next twenty-minutes I power clean. I’ve gotten good at it over the years, though I’ve never tried with this big of a pigsty.
After twenty more minutes, every surface has been wiped down with disinfectant wipes. Lance doesn’t come out of his room. I get a little nervous. We’re on the top floor, so I don’t think he could escape, but maybe there’s a fire ladder or something. Who knows? He looked crazed enough to try some shit.
I turn the handle on the door he went into and open it just a little. I peek an eye through the gap and see the end of a bed and bare feet dangling over the edge. I open the door more and see Lance passed out, face down. I stifle a laugh and shut the door. He deserves some rest and I’m free for the rest of the night.
Lane starts to fuss and I scoop her up, knowing she must be getting hungry. I’m assuming she’s about a week old, so her feedings must be closely spaced. I take her in the kitchen and make a bottle one handed. This rich fucker has a bottle warmer, which it easier than the water boiling method I had to use with Eli.
I sit down and bring the bottle to Lane’s lips. She opens for me right away and latches on. Her eyes open and she stares up at me with icy blue eyes.
“You’ve got your daddy’s eyes.”
She makes little noises that sound like moans of pleasure as she sucks down her dinner.
“I feel the same way when I eat,” I coo. “When you’re old enough and grow some teeth, I’ll take you for a steak. You’ll wonder how you were ever satisfied with this formula nonsense.”
After she finishes, I prop her up for a burp. She belches so loudly, I’m certain she’ll wake up her sleeping daddy, but the room stays silent.
For the next hour, we hang out. I show her the joy of Tiktok, and hand to God, she smiles at a cheesy video of a dog who wants to be appreciated. I flip over to my camera and snap a picture. That’s probably pretty creepy considering she isn’t my baby, but she’s adorable and I can’t help myself.
“She likes you,” Lance says from the doorway of his room, looking almost human again. He has on a different pair of athletic shorts and his torso is covered by a T-shirt now, but his hair is still a mess.
“I like her too.” I kiss the top of her head. I feel a little self-conscious, like maybe kissing random babies is not a good idea, but Lance beams at me.
“Sorry I passed out. I only meant to close my eyes for a minute.” He holds out his arms and I transfer Lane over to him. I don’t want to, I’ve grown attached to the squirt. But he’s her dad and it’d be weird for me to argue.
“It’s cool. We were just bonding.”
“I don’t know how I’ll ever thank you. This place looks immaculate.” He scans the open concept kitchen and living room.
“Don’t worry about it.”
“I never did find out why you came by.” He takes a seat on the couch next to me. I get a whiff of his aftershave. It’s clean and crisp, like the ocean on a cold morning.
“Dr. Old Balls was giving me problems, so I came to chew your ass out.” I laugh.
“Sorry about that. I’ll be back next week. I needed time to get things settled.”
“I see why. You find a daycare?”
“No. I thought about it, but I didn’t want Lane to catch something since she’s so young.”
I nod. “Understandable.”
“I found a babysitter instead. I’ll have to cut back on hours at the hospital, but I talked the board into hiring a second doctor who starts next week too. Should make things easier for everyone.”
“That’s good news, doc.” I stand up. “I guess I should go.”
“You don’t have to.” He shrugs and then laughs. “Never mind. Go. You don’t want to stick around with an old man and a baby.”
“You’re not that much older than I am.”
“I’m forty-one,” he says. I already knew that. I asked around.
“I’m thirty-five.”
“Really? You look much younger.”
“It’s my melanin magic. I don’t age.” I sit back down. “If you’re paying for the pizza, I’ll stay and help you eat it.”
“Deal.”
Chapter Three
Lance
I pass Lane back over to him while I find my cell phone and wallet. Boaz must’ve found them first while he was cleaning, because they’re sitting on the kitchen island, and I know they weren’t there before.
He surprised me by showing up today, but that’s not new. He impresses me with his dedication and competence. I’m drawn to his personality and charm. And it’s not because he cleaned my apartment and milked gas bubbles from my baby’s belly. I’ve felt this way toward him since I started working at the hospital. He turns me into a bumbling idiot, but he also puts me at ease about my awkwardness.
One night, when I first started working at the hospital, I stepped into the small locker room to change into a fresh pair of scrubs after spending the night in my office. I was met by a nearly naked Boaz. The only article of clothing he had on was a pair of white briefs. Every other inch of his perfect, silky dark skin was on display. I was dumbfounded. Frozen in place. He could’ve made a big deal of my obvious perusal, but instead he cracked a joke about how close we had become in the span of three seconds and went back to changing, as though it was no big deal.
I shake away the memory and call the local pizza place to make an order for delivery. When I come back, he has Lane stretched out along one of his long, muscular forearms and is talking softly to her. I’m a man who’s not immune to the appeal of a man with a baby.
I’ve only known my daughter for a week, but I’m already wrapped around her finger. She’s small, even for her age, apparently getting her height from her mom. But she has my blue eyes and dark hair.
The last seven days haven’t been easy. I’ve never been around a baby before, let alone taken care of one. Google is my bible. Nothing makes feel more incompetent than using a search engine to figure out how to snap up infant pajamas. I don’t know what genius decided to put eighty-seven snaps on those things, but if I knew, I’d punch him in the balls because it was definitely a man.
Lane makes a noise at something Boaz says. He lifts her little fist up and bumps it with his. I smile at the adorableness and it strikes me my adoration isn’t limited to Lane. It’s partially because of the long and fit man who has me off my game, as well.
I don’t know what to make of it and it’s not the first time he’s caused… fuck, I can’t put a name t
o it. Sometimes, he’ll be joking around in a way that could be flirting. Maybe he is, I don’t know.
Realizing I’m gay is too new for me. I’m the equivalent of a middle schooler, uncomfortable and self-conscious. I’m a fucking doctor. I save lives for a living. Yet here I am, fretting if a man is into me or just being kind.
“Hope meat lovers is okay.” I resume my place on the couch. There’s an armchair on the other side of the room I could sit at, but I don’t want to. I want to be close to both of them.
“There’s a joke somewhere in there.” He snickers.
“Joke?” I ask, confused.
“I’m a gay man and you just offered me meat lovers.”
“You’re gay?” I fake surprise.
“Yeah. You didn’t know?”
“I don’t know a lot about you,” I note.
“It’s not like it matters. Especially for a guy like you.” He peers over at me through a curtain of long, dark lashes.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re straight. You were married. I don’t tend to blab my sexuality unless it’s relevant.”
“Oh, right.” Except it is relevant.
“Sorry about your ex, by the way. Even if you weren’t together, it must’ve been tough news.”
I sink back into the couch. I haven’t had free time or brain space to deal with Maisy’s death. Back in New York, I was busy in meetings with lawyers when it became clear Maisy’s parents weren’t going to give Lane up. A judge ruled, at an emergency hearing, that between Maisy’s will and the DNA match, I could take her home.
Although I was the one fighting for custody, I wasn’t sure the judge had made the right choice. But now that I’ve met Lane and we’ve bonded, there’s no doubt in my mind I want her. I need her. She’s part of me.
“I don’t know how to feel about her passing. She was my best friend for a lot of years. We hadn’t spoken since I left New York, but I still cared about her. I’m also a little angry she didn’t tell me she was pregnant with Lane. I wonder if she ever would’ve told me. I’ll never know now.”
I have mixed feelings that will go unresolved. Perhaps she was waiting until Lane was born to tell me. Perhaps she would’ve kept her a secret her whole life and I wouldn’t have known until she turned eighteen and was searching for her father.
“That’s pretty fucked.” He slaps a hand over his mouth. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I doubt she can repeat your words yet.”
“I’ve never been good at cutting out the swearing. One of Eli’s first words was shit. My dad was so pissed at me.” He laughs at the memory. “If I hadn’t been nineteen when it happened, he would’ve whooped my ass.”
“I’m sorry you lost your mom when you were so young.”
“It was hard back then, but it’s easier now. She had an undiagnosed heart condition that caused complications during childbirth. At first, I blamed Eli. Then he came home from the hospital looking like a chubby alien and I couldn’t hold it against him.”
“Newborns do look like chubby aliens.”
Boaz turns his attention to Lane. “Don’t listen to him. You’re a pretty princess.”
“She’s a loud, pretty princess.” I chuckle. He’s so sweet with my daughter, it makes me want to know more about him. “Did you grow up around here?”
“Sure did. My parents moved here after they were married. They thought it’d be a good place to raise a family.”
“Was it?”
“Yeah, I love BFB. I want to see the world someday, but if I ever have a family, this is where I want to raise my kids.”
“You want kids one day?”
“I think so.” He smiles wide and my attention is drawn to his bright white teeth framed by plump, kissable lips. I’m transfixed. “You okay?”
“Huh?” I look away and shake my head, embarrassed to have been caught staring. “Sorry. I’m more tired than I thought.”
“It’s all good. How about you? Did you grow up in New York?”
“Yes. Well, a suburb of New York.”
“Your parents must be proud of you, being a doctor and all.”
Lane drifts asleep in his arms and he lifts her to his chest. She sighs, but doesn’t wake.
“My future was well planned and laid out for me. I was to become a doctor, like my dad. Although he’s a heart surgeon, making me a disappointment for only becoming a hospitalist. My mom stayed home, but not to take care of me. Mostly to volunteer and keep up appearances. It was made clear someday I was to have a wife who’d do the same.” I reach over to flick away dried milk from the corner of Lane’s mouth, but really it just gives me an excuse to be close to Boaz for a moment.
“They must’ve been pissed when you got divorced.”
“My parents loved Maisy until they found out we couldn’t have kids. Then they tried to talk me into leaving her. It’s what drove a rift between us and them. I don’t ever call unless it’s a holiday or one of their birthdays. They don’t know about the divorce or even that I moved. They don’t know about her either.” I tap Lane’s nose. “They don’t deserve to know.”
They’d be especially miffed if they saw me right now, looking at a man and thinking he’s the sexiest person I’ve ever seen. But I keep that part to myself.
“Why did you get a divorce?” he asks.
I blow out a breath. He doesn’t know how loaded this question is.
“A few reasons. I’d been hiding who I really was, even from myself. Unfortunately, my moment of actualization happened after I was deep into a life I didn’t want.” It’s vague, but the truth. I can’t decide if I want him to meddle. I need a reason to force honesty with someone other than myself, but it’s scary as fuck.
“That sounds ominous.” He chuckles. “I’m not one to pry… no, fuck that. I am one to pry. What the hell does all that mumbo-jumbo mean?”
“You have to remember I grew up in a very conservative home. Certain things weren’t talked about or accepted. People with alternative lifestyles were shunned and publicly demeaned.”
“You into some 50 Shades shit, doc?” he asks in a serious tone, but a smirk plays on his lips.
“No, nothing like that. I’m, uh. I’m like you.” My mouth goes dry and I feel a bead of sweat trickle down my back. I don’t dare look over to see his reaction.
“A black nurse?” He chuckles in that deep throaty way I love, and it’s the ice breaker I need to peer over at him. His eyes are glimmering with amusement, taking my nervousness down a small notch.
“No.” I chortle. “I’m uh, gay.”
His mouth drops open and his eyes widen comically, but none of it is genuine. “I had my suspicions, not gonna lie.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. The baby threw me off for minute, though.” He gestures to Lane.
“Join the club.” Suddenly the fifty-pound weight I’ve been carrying on my chest lifts. When I admitted the truth to myself, it was astounding. Like my world became clearer and everything made so much more sense, but admitting it to someone else feels like validation. Boaz was a safe choice to be the first, but he was an important choice too.
“Does anyone else know?”
“You’re the first,” I admit.
“I’m honored. Really.” He rests a hand on my knee and gives it a gentle squeeze. “That’s huge and I’m grateful you trusted me with it.”
“I’m glad it was you too.” The room suddenly becomes quiet and heavy as we share in the moment. I’m proud of myself, and his reaction gives me confidence to not hide my sexuality. No matter how anyone else reacts, I know I at least have one person on my side.
The doorbell rings and I startle. Boaz pulls his hand away and I jump up to grab the pizza. We don’t mention my sexuality or talk about anything heavy for the rest of the night. We joke and get to know each other better. It’s friendly, fun, and exactly what I needed after the heaviness of our earlier conversations.
At some point Lane begins to fuss, demandin
g her dinner.
“I’m gonna head out. Let you get the little princess fed. Hopefully she’ll let you sleep tonight.” Boaz walks over to the door and toes his shoes on.
“Thanks again. I’ve spent the last week drowning. You showing up was exactly what I needed to feel human again,” I say.
“This is going to sound weird, but do you want my number? You know, in case you need help again? Or even just to talk.”
“Sure. Yeah. It takes a village, right?” It’s a platonic offer, but my inner middle schooler is stupid and flutters to life.
“Where’s your phone?” He holds his hand out and I dig it out of my pocket. He taps a few buttons and I hear his own phone chirp. “There. Call or text anytime. I mean it.”
“Thanks, Boaz.”
“My friends call me Bo.”
“You never told me that before.”
“We weren’t really friends before.” His chin tips down and he smirks. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think it was a flirtatious move.
Then he’s gone, closing the door quietly behind him. I expel a loud breath and smile to myself. Tonight was remarkable. I meant it when I told him I’d been drowning. Between coming to terms with the loss of Maisy and becoming an overnight father, life had quickly become chaotic. And not in a good way. Boaz showing up was the mental break I needed.
Chapter Four
Boaz
He has a baby.
He’s a dad.
He’s gay.
I process it all on the walk home. It’s dark now and the breeze coming off Wolffish Bay feels damn good. It’s quiet out, peaceful. It’s the time of night where everyone in town has made it home to their families. Dad and Eli are probably home and I hope they’ve scrounged up dinner. I don’t feel much like doing anymore domestic shit tonight.
The walk takes a half hour, and I’m no closer to wrapping my head around Lance Miller when I get there. It was a fun fantasy to think about getting it on with the hot doc, but that man has more proverbial and literal baggage than I know what to do with. If I’m overwhelmed at the amount, he must be next level freaked out.