He looks back at me. He looks like he is not sure if he wants to tell me this or not.
“Well, there was this one day when I was thirteen,” he begins. “It was summertime. My parents would usually leave me here alone for weeks at a time.”
“They’d leave you here alone?” I ask. My parents would never do something like that.
“Yeah,” he replies, not looking at me. “They thought that thirteen was practically a grown-up. To them, summer is for those Cross-Atlantic cruises and they certainly didn’t want me there with them.”
“God, they don’t sound like good parents,” I muse.
“They’re okay, I guess.” He shrugs. “Anyway, I was in my condo that day, planning to have some fun with my dad’s erotic magazines if you know what I mean.”
He looks at me and smiles. I nod. Yes, all boys have memories like that.
“And?”
“And, when I was flipping through the pages it suddenly became clear to me that I was looking at the guys,” he says, his tone serious now.
Oh…
“So, that was the first time you realized you were…?” I’m treading carefully. This isn’t a topic we’ve ever discussed.
“Gay? Yeah,” he says. “It suddenly became so obvious. I don’t know why it wasn’t obvious before. I guess I knew in the back of my head the whole time, but I didn’t want to admit it.”
“And that day?”
“I had an epiphany,” he says, voice catching a little. “I could no longer lie to myself. It was pointless. I knew what I was. There was no going back from there.”
If we weren’t making our way up the hill now, I would have hugged him.
“I was so upset that I ran out of the condo and started towards the woods. I ran straight for an hour, or maybe even more. I never stopped to catch my breath or anything. I think I just wanted to run as far away as possible and never go back. I didn’t care where I was running exactly and what was out there. I just ran. I ran until I was so exhausted that I fell onto the ground and just laid there for hours, numb.”
My gut clenches. Poor thing! My reaction to my being gay wasn’t nearly as intense, although it wasn’t a joyful ride to the toy factory either.
“I was trying to figure out what I was supposed to do next. I knew my father would never understand. He’s just… He is incapable…” he looks up, unable to continue.
“What did you decide to do?” I ask gently.
“Nothing… I mean, I haven’t decided anything,” he admits. “I just stood up and started walking. Eventually I climbed up the hill and saw this…”
He says it exactly as we are cresting the hill, which turns out, is really more of a cliff.
The view is of a small valley, an oasis in the midst of the surrounding trees. From this high up, all of the various plants and wildlife blur together into smudges of colors, rustling ever so slightly in the breeze. To add more drama to the scene, the sky is all red and orange because of the setting sun, which gleams defiantly in its last moments, in stark contrast to the storm clouds brewing in the distance. I didn’t want it to rain this weekend, but it seems it’s gonna. I think I heard thunder a couple minutes ago.
Jake turns to me.
“When I saw this, it became clear to me.” He stares intently into my eyes. “This,” he makes a sweeping gesture. “All of this, is life, and it’s beautiful.” He moves closer to the ledge. “And that meant that I was beautiful too, no matter if I was gay or straight.”
That’s a wonderful notion. I can definitely relate to it.
“I didn’t have a plan or anything, but I knew that everything was going to happen the way it was supposed to happen, because it always does,” he finishes.
I can totally understand what he means. Up here, you feel so small and insignificant, but at the same time you feel like a part of it all, an important part too. It opens your eyes and makes you see the bigger picture, makes you forget about the everyday routine and your own ridiculous fears. Here, you truly understand what life is all about.
I can feel Jake looking at me. I meet his gaze. In his eyes I can see exactly what he is about to say…
“I love you, Sam,” he says and I feel the truth of it in my bones.
I am suddenly so overwhelmed with him actually saying the words that my brain shuts off for a second. And my mouth uses that second to say something that I didn’t expect myself to say at all. Before my mind is able to do anything about it, my mouth utters the words…
“I love you too…”
It takes me a couple of seconds to understand what just happened. I clap my hands over my mouth then and try to pretend that I didn’t say it. But it’s already too late. I said it and Jake heard me. Shit!
22
A clap of thunder! Another one! I run down the hill, back the way we came. I run as fast as I possibly can.
It’s raining now. It’s a real downpour. I almost fall as my foot skims the mud, but I just manage to keep my balance and keep on running.
“Sam!” Jake shouts after me. I know that he is running right behind me.
I don’t stop. There is no way that I’m ever going to stop.
“Sam!” Jake shouts out again. He’s getting closer.
I veer into the trees and bushes, branches brushing roughly against my skin. I only care about one thing. I need to formulate a plan. I need to figure out how to get out of this wild side of the forest. This is a wild side where there are no rules and no not doing something that shouldn’t be done. There’s no control and I need control. I need to get away from here! So I run.
The moment I think I remembered where the boat is Jake’s hands grab me from behind.
He twists me and pushes me up against a tree. His face is suddenly right next to mine, his eyes level with my own. We both are breathing hard. The rain water is streaming down both our faces, making it hard to see.
I shut my eyes. This is my last line of defense, some childish part of myself clinging to the idea that if I can’t see the thing that’s scaring me, maybe it’ll go away.
But it doesn’t work, because the next thing I know his lips are touching mine and we are kissing, passionately, vigorously, unrestricted in any way, senseless, crazy.
And that is when my wild side overthrows the tyranny of my brain. Our hands twine around each other’s bodies, touching, groping. One moment his hands are behind my back supporting me, my hands are in his hair touching it, the next moment it’s vise-versa. There is no stopping us now. We belong together. There is no force in the universe strong enough to keep us apart, because there is nothing stronger than love.
We are the one, one body, one soul…together.
“Sam…? Sam? Are you awake?”
I stir slightly. I wasn’t awake. I was sleeping. And I’m pretty sure I was having the most wonderful dream. But I don’t remember what it was now. It’s strange, I remembered just a second ago. It was so serene and peaceful and I had warmth inside me, a very comforting feeling that is hard to describe. It was almost like bliss, something that makes you feel happy for no particular reason. I was feeling happy, but the feeling is gone now.
“Sam?” Kenan tries to wake me up again. This time I open my eyes and look at him. He is sitting on the edge of my bed, looking at me.
“What is it?”
“I need to talk to you,” he says. He doesn’t look happy either, not even a bit.
I sit up, worried. “What is it?” He looks away.
“Do you really think that I have a chance with Eric? Because I’m thinking about telling him how I feel. I’m trying to work up the nerve. I think I need a little help.”
“How do you feel?” I ask cautiously.
“I like him. I like him a lot,” he shrugs. “But I just need to know if he is capable of feeling the same way about me, if I even have a chance or not.”
“Kenan, you have every chance with Eric, believe me.” They actually would be really good together, if only Eric would see it.
�
�You really think so?”
“You certainly have a better chance than Melissa,” I say before I can think better of it.
“So you think he’s gay?” Kenan asks, hopeful.
“I’m pretty sure,” I admit.
Kenan smiles.
“Good,” he says and takes a moment to think about something. “We had a great time playing tennis yesterday afternoon. I think we have a connection.”
Kenan begins rambling about his interactions with Eric then. His ramblings are sweet, but I can’t help but tune out as my memory starts coming back to me in flashes. It erases all the residual feelings of serenity and calmness that I had left from my dream. My heart starts pounding in my chest as I recall everything that happened yesterday in detail...
Jake kissed me! More so, he said he loved me! More so, I said I loved him back!
Jesus! Now it’s a complete mess.
However guilty I felt about kissing Eric yesterday, it doesn’t even come close to the guilt I feel right now. Jake is a completely different thing. Mitch would never understand me kissing Jake. And if he ever found out that I said I loved him, after all those times that I had a chance to say it back to Mitch and didn’t, he would end our relationship, I’m sure. Mitch would probably never want to see me again at all. Oh God!
It’s a good thing that it was just a kiss. At least I was sane enough to stop Jake and tell him that I needed some time to think. And then I walked away. I asked him not to follow me and he didn’t. And then I walked around the lake by foot, I think. I must have been circling around there for some time, because I don’t even remember how exactly I got back to our suite.
I was busy trying to analyze everything and come up with a plan; so typical of me, but I couldn’t formulate a single coherent thought. The memory of Jake’s lips was still too fresh.
It still is.
I said what I did for a reason. I do love him. It’s time to admit it now. I knew it all along and no matter how hard I was trying to work those feelings out of my system, I couldn’t. My feelings for Jake never went away. If anything, I think they grew stronger as I’ve gotten a chance to know him better.
But it doesn’t matter! I’m in a relationship with Mitch and I’m not gonna bail on him just because I couldn’t control my feelings last night. I’m gonna take everything under control today!
Today is my birthday! It dawns on me.
The chances of me getting everything under control are growing slim now. Nothing ever works out the way I want it to on my birthdays.
Nonetheless, I reign in my whirlwind of emotions and formulate a suitable plan.
I’m gonna talk to Jake and tell him that it was a mistake. I’m gonna tell him that my decision is to stay with Mitch. And he’s going to respect it, hopefully, and step away.
I’m gonna talk to Eric as well. I’m gonna tell him what a great guy Kenan is and that he is a much better candidate for his heart than me. Although I’m not exactly sure that Eric wants to give anyone access to his heart.
Melissa… Well, Melissa’s gonna have to accept the fact that Eric is gay. She’s gonna be hurt, for sure, but she’s going to understand, and I’m gonna be there to pick up the pieces, as usual. I’m sure she’s gonna find another guy to pine over like in no time. It might sound a little cruel, but trust me, I know Melissa. It’s gonna work out. She’s a bounce-back kind of girl.
Jake, Eric, Kenan, Melissa… That part is settled. Now to the hardest part of all… Mitch.
I’m not gonna tell him a thing about anything that happened this weekend. He is never going to find out, and thus he is never going to be hurt. I’m gonna win the Dance-Off, get the money for Film Academy, and we’re gonna live in the same dorm together next fall, me and Mitch. We are going to be happy, and everything is going to be great.
The only problem is I’m supposed to call him right now, but I don’t think that I’m ready to talk. Even the mere thought of talking to him gives me a lump in the throat.
I’m not gonna do it. I’ll tell him that the line was down or something. He’ll understand. Heck, maybe he’ll even blame it on the birthday curse!
“I gotta go to the bathroom,” I say to Kenan, interrupting him.
“Oh, sure,” he frowns, abruptly halting his gush fest.
“Be right back,” I say meekly and head for the door.
I’m growing more confident with my plan by the minute. That is, until I see Melissa.
She looks up at me.
“How could you?” she asks with a stern voice. She is staring daggers at me. There goes my perfect plan. Shit!
“What?” I mutter, unsure as to which offense she’s upset about.
“Did you think I wouldn’t find out?” ]Her voice is as hard as steel but at the same time it catches. She is hurt. And she hates me.
“What?” I ask again, this time a whisper.
“You knew that Eric was gay! You two kissed!” she shouts. “Were you making fun of me? You told me that I had a chance with him and that I should ask him out on a date, even though you knew the whole time that he was gay!” she yells, her eyes wet.
“It was all your idea! I was trying to warn you, but you wouldn’t listen,” I counter. I’m trying to keep it together, but there’s a lump in my throat again and I think I’m about to start crying. I never meant to hurt her so much, I swear to God.
“Oh, so it was me then cheating on my boyfriend and lying to my friends about it?” she shouts, livid.
I don’t know what to say. She is right, of course.
“How could you do that, Sam? How could you kiss him when you know how much it would hurt Mitch?!”
“I…”
“What?” I hear Kenan behind my back. I turn to him but I don’t dare look him in the eyes.
“You and Eric kissed?” he asks in disbelief. “You and Eric kissed?”
“Kenan, I’m…” I try to say something but he slams the door in front of my face.
I turn to Melissa then. “Melissa…”
She just shakes her head in disbelief that I could have done something like this. Honestly, at this moment in time, I can’t believe it either. It all seemed so innocent in my head, but now as Melissa said it out loud, it does seem horrible.
“Don’t even!” she says and storms out of the suite. I follow her.
23
“Melissa!” I shout after her, trying to keep up. She is striding across the field. I’m about to start running, but I suddenly see something that makes me stop dead in my tracks.
Jake comes up from the other end of the field. He is headed my way. It would have been okay, if only Melissa wasn’t in between the two of us.
I see Jake saying hello to her. She is ignoring him. Yes! I breathe a sigh of relief.
No, wait! She turns around! She turns around and walks up to him. No, no, no! She starts talking. I can’t hear what she’s saying, but by the look on Jake’s face, I think I can figure it out…
She’s done. She walks away. And I have to hold his gaze now that he is staring at me. He is hurt.
Of course he is.
Round and round we go. The same thing happened last year. I hurt Mitch. I never intended to but I did. And now I’ve hurt Jake, just as I’ve come to the realization that he is the most important person in my life.
There are no tears in his eyes, nothing like that, but I can see the frustration and pain. I can see that he is trying to figure it out. Was I lying to him yesterday when I said that I loved him? There was no reason for me to lie. He didn’t expect me to say it back anyway. He was as surprised as I was when I said it. What then? Why did I do this? He has no answer for that. I don’t think I have an answer either. It just happened. I didn’t think it would happen like that. It happened so fast. Everything just went out of control and I need control, I told you.
I start towards him. I need to try and explain everything, but he starts walking away. I stop. I don’t want to run after him. I don’t think I know what to say anyway. I was supposed to
tell him to stay away, but there’s no need for that now. He’s gonna stay away alright. Fuck!
24
I end up hiding in the secret closet in the back of the kitchen.
I tried to apologize to both Melissa and Kenan when lunch service began, but neither of them wanted to listen to me. I couldn’t stand seeing the looks on their faces, so I stared at the floor the whole time.
And to make matters worse, I had to listen to those stupid happy birthday wishes over and over again.
I got wished happy birthday 21 times over lunch and I dropped and smashed exactly 21 plates and water glasses. Chef Alan was giving me hard looks the whole time. That amount of broken tableware stretches even his legendary patience.
Suddenly the door opens and Eric peeks in.
“Can I come in?”
“Sure,” I nod. He was absent at lunch. I guess he wanted to avoid all of the looks as well. It would have been nice if he was there to support me, but whatever. I deserve what I got, and am still getting.
He comes in and shuts the door behind himself.
“I’m sorry,” he begins. “I didn’t mean to tell Melissa, but she was interrogating me and I just snapped. I don’t know how you stand it. That girl should be a politician.”
“It’s not your fault. It’s all my fault.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” he says.
“We shouldn’t have kissed. It was a mistake.”
“We were drunk,” he shrugs.
“I shouldn’t have gotten drunk then,” I retort.
“You were just trying to have fun. There’s nothing wrong about that,” he sits down next to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. “Sam, people make mistakes. It’s okay. Nobody expects you to be perfect.”
“I certainly don’t feel perfect,” I snort.
“It’s gonna all work out, believe me,” he pats my back. “Shit happens. You’re just gonna have to learn to deal with it.”
“I’m such a mess.” I cover my face with my hands.
Sam Dorsey and His Dirty Dancing Page 8