‘Good. They should have done it sooner.’
‘Lumin doesn’t want them to.’
‘But it might get her home.’
‘That’s what I thought.’
Jasper nervously plays with the security card hanging around his neck. ‘Did Jen mention the plans for Lumin, now her injury seems better?’
‘No.’
‘They’re going to move her to the psych ward.’
Amber looks at him in horror. ‘What the hell?’
‘The beds up in the children’s ward are desperately needed with it being the busiest time of the year,’ he says gently. ‘Anyway, Lumin’s problems relate to her psyche, specifically her issues with memory. The staff in the psych ward are the best equipped for helping with that.’
Amber sinks onto a nearby bench. ‘It just sounds so horrible, that she’s going to the psych ward.’
Jasper joins her. ‘I know. It’s not a good long-term solution really. But hopefully it will really help jog her memory. Combined with the media appeal, she might not even have to go.’
Amber bites her lip. ‘I hope so.’
Jasper puts his hand on her arm, giving it a reassuring pat. For a moment, she thinks about asking him back for dinner. Not just because she misses him but also because she’s dreading going back alone tonight after growing so used to being here with Lumin.
But then Jasper’s pager buzzes. His shoulders drop and he stands up. ‘Duty calls. Keep me posted, all right?’ Then he jogs off down the corridor.
Amber stays where she is for a few moments, watching as people pass by. Many of them are parents coming from the children’s ward, some even walking out with their children, balloons in their hands and wide smiles on their faces, happy to be finally bringing their kids home. Amber imagines bringing Lumin home if she doesn’t find her parents. How much laughter and activity she’d bring into her little quiet flat. She yearns for it.
But when Amber returns to the flat later, her thoughts turn to Katy as they always do. She imagines coming back with Katy all those years ago from the hospital. Her weak but happy little girl. Counting her blessings that she was recovering, planning some fun things to do over the coming days and weeks as she regains her strength. Amber looks at her bare white walls and imagines them lined with the dandelion wallpaper they had in their old home instead. She sees their wellies lined up by the door, the specks of mud still visible on their wooden floors from the walk they’d enjoyed in the forest just before Katy was ill. She smells the hot chocolate Jasper would be putting on for them, the sound of the TV in the distance. Katy’s chatter, Jasper’s laughter.
A car beeps outside and the images float away as Amber slides down the wall, the silence and emptiness of her flat crowding in on her.
The next day, Lumin is all over the papers, local and national, her big blue eyes wide as she looks out from the photo they must have taken the day before.
Teenager found barefoot on Winterton Chine beach.
Amber is still angry at Jen for not letting her be with her when they took the photo.
‘Poor thing looks terrified,’ Rita says, echoing Amber’s thoughts as she peers over her daughter’s shoulder at the newspaper. They’re at the gift shop, trying to get some custom now the snowfall has stopped.
‘She does look terrified, doesn’t she?’ Amber says with a sigh. ‘She really didn’t want to be in the papers. I wonder if she has even seen this yet?’
‘Take it to her,’ Rita says. ‘You’re due a visit anyway.’
‘But I’ve just opened the shop,’ Amber replies. ‘Not to mention the painting I need to do,’ she adds, gesturing towards the hut behind her, nearly all red now but still hinting at its former pastel colours. Stall-holders are already arriving in town; she saw the lorries and vans earlier. And yet she still has two huts to paint.
‘We’ll man the fort,’ Viv says. ‘Rita will paint.’
Rita smirks. ‘Man the fort? And there you were talking about the objectification of women.’
Viv rolls her eyes.
‘Okay,’ Amber says, grabbing her bag. ‘Just an hour or so.’
Twenty minutes later, she’s with Lumin, who’s staring at the article in disgust. ‘Oh God, it’s awful,’ she says.
‘You don’t look awful.’
‘I don’t mean the photo!’ Lumin shouts, surprising Amber with her raised voice. ‘The article.’ She throws it to the floor and curls her hands in anger. ‘It makes me sound like a drunk party girl.’
‘I know it’s difficult, but it could lead to someone recognising you. It’ll be worth it when you’re back home.’
She laughs bitterly. ‘Home? The place with sobbing people and frozen lakes. Sounds lush.’
‘Someone will see these articles,’ Amber says, stroking her back. ‘They’ll recognise you and it’ll all be okay, I promise.’
She turns to Amber, fixing her with a steely gaze. ‘But you can’t promise that, can you?’
Amber remembers saying the same to Jasper when Katy was at her worst. He hadn’t been able to answer. Even he, with all his medical qualifications, couldn’t promise their daughter would survive.
‘I can’t,’ Amber admits. ‘But whatever happens, I’m here for you.’
Lumin smiles weakly. ‘Thanks.’
But two more days go by with no solid leads. The police receive calls, of course, hundreds of them. But none that amount to anything.
‘So it was completely pointless,’ Lumin says after a visit from the detectives with an update.
‘It’s only been a couple of days,’ Jen says, who’s in the cubicle too. Her eyes dart to Amber then away again. She goes to the other side of the bed and checks the dressing on Lumin’s head as she smiles. ‘The good news is, you’re doing really well in terms of your head injury. The stitches are healing nicely and the swelling is completely down so we’ll be taking this dressing off today. I think you’re ready to move on now, maybe even tomorrow.’
She’s saying it in a bright voice but Lumin’s having none of it. ‘To the fruit loop ward?’ she spits, crossing her arms.
‘Now that’s not very nice, Lumin,’ Jen says. ‘The ward is fine. You will have your own private room and trust me, the intensive sessions will have you remembering things in no time, I guarantee it.’
Lumin’s nostrils flare and she looks away.
‘Is there an outpatient option?’ Amber suddenly asks. ‘What about if she stays with me and comes here each day for treatment? I can walk her in.’
Lumin looks at Amber, eyes hopeful.
‘But you have a one-bed flat, right?’ Jen asks, taking in her paint-splattered jeans. ‘And I overheard you saying you’re busy with your shop …’
Amber looks at her in surprise. ‘How do you know about the size of my flat?’ she says, ignoring the nurse’s comment about the shop. Truth is, her heart hasn’t been in it. She’s finished painting the red hut now, but hasn’t even attempted the others. Her hand is aching more than ever with the freezing temperatures and she’s wanted to visit Amber as much as she can. At least it will stand out, one bright red hut sticking out like a sore thumb against the other two.
Jen’s cheeks flush. ‘I’m just saying, there won’t be any space for Lumin in a small flat.’
‘I have a pull-out bed.’
‘Not very comfortable,’ Jen retorts.
‘I’ll sleep in it. Lumin can have my very comfortable king-size bed, the same bed I used to share with my husband, Jasper.’ She knows it’s childish to add that but she still feels a sense of satisfaction reminding this woman who clearly has a crush on Jasper that Amber was the one who was married to him.
‘You’re married to that blond doctor?’ Lumin asks in surprise.
‘Not any more,’ Jen shoots back, crossing her arms.
Lumin laughs. ‘You two sound like you’re fighting over a piece of cake.’
Jen’s face flushes and Amber shakes her head, realising just how childish things were getting. This i
s about Lumin, not Jasper and his new girlfriend.
Jen seems to feel the same. ‘Look, Amber, I like your good intentions,’ she says softly. ‘But what with us not knowing Lumin’s age, we can’t just let her stay at anyone’s flat. Even,’ she quickly adds, ‘someone as wonderful as you have been with her. It’ll do her good, really. They’re the experts up there.’
Jen looks at Lumin, who doesn’t seem to be listening any more, just staring out of the window. Amber strokes Lumin’s arm. ‘You look tired.’
‘I am,’ Lumin mumbles.
‘I’ll let you sleep.’ Amber stands up and stretches. ‘I better go check on the damage my mum and aunt have done to the shop.’
‘I’ll walk out with you,’ Jen says. ‘I like your gift shop,’ she says as they walk through the ward. ‘I got my mum a lovely gift from it last year.’
‘Thanks,’ Amber says reluctantly. ‘Look, I feel really uncomfortable about Lumin being moved to that ward.’
‘Can’t you see she’s just festering here?’
Amber shakes her head. ‘Festering. What a word.’
‘You know what I mean though? Each day, she seems more tired, less vibrant. I’ve seen it in other patients. She’s losing hope.’
Amber peers back towards the cubicle. Jen is right. ‘I know how that feels.’
Jen puts her hand on Amber’s arm. ‘I know you do.’
‘Well, you’re the expert,’ Amber says stiffly, moving away.
Jen sighs, running her hand over her tired face. It makes Amber think of Jasper and those mornings after his late shifts when he’d insist on having breakfast with her even if he’d just got an hour or so of sleep the night before. These people work so hard. It wasn’t fair Amber was being so harsh with her.
‘I’m sorry I’ve been a bitch,’ she says. ‘I guess it’s just hard seeing Jasper with someone else.’
She looks at Amber, confused. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean you and Jasper.’
She laughs. ‘God, that was ages ago. I’m married now with a baby on the way,’ she says, gesturing to her small round tummy. ‘In fact, Jasper was over for dinner with me and my husband the other night!’
‘Oh. I see.’
She sighs. ‘I guess it’s my turn to apologise too. It’s not just you who’s been a bitch. I know how much Jasper loved you. It’s the reason things didn’t work out for us. Seeing how much he was hurt by you leaving him, I guess it makes me a little hostile with you.’
‘It was a difficult time for me too, you know. The hurt wasn’t just one-sided.’
‘I know. Look, why don’t you give Jasper a call? He’ll reassure you about the psychiatric ward.’ Jen picks up a clipboard and scans it. Then she peers up at Amber, holding her gaze. ‘Chat to him. I think he’d like that.’
That night, Amber sits nursing a glass of wine, thinking of Lumin … of Jasper too. I think he’d like that, Jen had said. She looks at her white walls, taking in the silence.
She quickly picks up her phone and stares at the screen. Then she calls the number she’s avoided calling for years.
‘Amber?’ Jasper says when he answers, a hint of surprise in his voice.
‘Hi. Jen suggested I call you. About Lumin?’
‘Is she okay?’
‘She’s fine. They’re definitely moving her to the psych ward tomorrow.’
‘Ah.’
Amber sits up straight. ‘You say that like it’s a bad thing. You’re supposed to be reassuring me!’
‘No, no, it’s good. They’ll know what they’re doing there.’
‘But …?’ Amber always knew when a ‘but’ was coming from Jasper.
‘But I do wonder if it’ll just make her feel out of sorts. You never know from one day to the next the kind of people who might be in there.’
‘Great, now you’re making me feel worse about it.’
‘How about I arrange for you to visit in the morning? One of the staff owes me.’
‘Really?’
‘Sure. I can pick you up, eight?’
‘Thanks, that’d be good.’ Amber curls her feet under her. She doesn’t want the conversation to end. ‘So when’s your next shift start?’
‘I have a few days off actually,’ Jasper replies. ‘For Christmas.’
They’re silent as they imagine the Christmases that could have been with Katy.
‘Any plans?’ Amber asks.
‘Going to my parents.’
‘That’ll be nice. The Peak District will be stunning this time of year.’ She’d often visited the Peak District to see her in-laws when she was married to Jasper. Katy had her first holiday there too. They lived in a lovely bungalow with a sweeping view of the hills, and many happy summer days had been spent in the beautiful garden, which bloomed with the roses Jasper’s flower-mad mother had planted.
‘How are they both?’ she asks.
‘Good. Well, Dad’s back’s really playing up, so that’s getting him down, but well otherwise. You going to your mum and aunt’s for Christmas?’ he asks.
‘Yes and guess what? Viv’s cooking.’
‘Christ, poor you. I still remember the lamb she once cooked for us.’
‘More like burnt.’
They laugh.
‘Look outside,’ Jasper says.
Amber gazes out of her window, sees hints of the sea and the beach huts. ‘What?’
‘Look up.’
She does as he asks and sees huge snowflakes tumbling down. She pulls her blanket up over her legs. ‘They said it was going to get heavy.’
‘You okay?’ He knows how she gets when it snows like this, memories of when she’d lost her fingers being ploughed to the surface.
‘I’m fine,’ she says. ‘Jasper?’
‘Yes?’
She realises in that moment there is so much she wants to say to him. So much regret and sadness. Love too. But instead she whispers: ‘Stay on the phone with me, will you? I don’t fancy being alone tonight.’
‘Me neither.’
The next morning, Amber strolls into the psych ward with Jasper. It’s not so bad there. The walls are painted a soothing blue and a teenager – a patient, Amber presumes – is sitting on a chair, reading a book. The Christmas decorations hung around the place are less in your face then the ones in the children’s wards, hints of silver and gold. When they get into the main communal area, more teenagers are sitting watching a Christmas film on TV. They just look like normal teenagers and this dispells her fears about the ward.
Then Amber realises with a shock Lumin is among them. She doesn’t recognise her at first, dressed in jeans and a thick black jumper. It pales her skin even more, makes the circles beneath her blue eyes pronounced. She looks up, catching sight of Amber. But she doesn’t react, her eyes just blinking.
‘I didn’t realise they were transferring her already!’ Amber says.
‘I didn’t either,’ Jasper replies. ‘Let me find out what’s going on.’
Amber walks over to Lumin and sits beside her. ‘Hi. How’s it going?’
She shrugs. ‘No different really.’ Her voice is slurred, her pupils dilated.
‘Have they given you something?’
Lumin scratches at her arms. ‘I had a bit of a tantrum last night,’ she says, using her fingers to form quotes. ‘They decided they needed me out of the kids’ ward sharpish. I think they’re starting to accept I might be over eighteen.’
‘Do you think you are?’
She shrugs. ‘I had a memory rehabilitation session last night though with a new doctor.’
‘Any new memories?’
She sighs. ‘Just a waterfall. A frozen one.’ She opens her fist to reveal a scrunched up drawing.
Amber takes it and flattens it out. ‘That’s good, a new memory,’ she says.
‘I guess,’ Lumin replies non-committally. She turns to the TV and Amber watches her with concern. Jen’s right, she really seems to have given up.
‘Seems to be a th
eme,’ Amber says. ‘Frozen beaches. Frozen lakes. Frozen waterfalls. Maybe you didn’t live in the UK and that’s why no one’s coming forward.’
‘Then how come I have a British accent?’
‘Plenty of Brits live abroad.’
‘Maybe.’ She sighs.
‘How are you finding it here?’ Amber takes in a painfully thin girl who’s examining her nails nearby, a boy pacing back and forth as he mumbles to himself.
‘Honestly?’ Lumin says, eyes alighting back on Amber. ‘It’s awful.’
Amber’s heart goes out to her. She looks so devoid of hope. ‘I’m sorry. Hopefully it won’t be too long.’
‘And then what?’
Amber wants to give her an answer. But she really doesn’t know. It’s already been made clear they can’t let Lumin stay with her.
‘We need to find this place,’ Amber says, staring at the waterfall. ‘Can I borrow the notepad they found you with? I’m going to spend the day going over this all. Consider me your own private detective.’
Lumin pulls the leather notepad from her back pocket. ‘There are some other pictures I drew in there too. Good luck, Sherlock,’ she replies with a bitter laugh. ‘There are over a hundred waterfalls in the UK. God knows how many around the world.’
‘You remembered something!’
‘The number of waterfalls in the UK, how very useful,’ Lumin says sarcastically. Then she shakes her head and turns back to the TV.
That night, Amber lays out Lumin’s drawings on her dining table. The lodge overlooking the lake. A waterfall. Then one she hasn’t seen: a bench overlooking a lake and mountains, a man and woman sitting on it. She googles ‘lakes waterfall’. The first result is a tourism website for the Lake District. Turns out there are several waterfalls in the Lake District and, as Lumin pointed out, even more around the UK. Amber looks at each one, comparing them to the photo she’d taken of Lumin’s first drawing. A few stand out so she prints them off. Then she reaches for the notepad, flicks through it and stops at a page focused on the ptarmigan. There’s a sketch of a bird soaring over a lake. She reads the note next to it: Ptarmigans are masters of adapting to their surroundings. Feathers will turn white in the winter to act as camouflage against the snow. They prefer to live high up in the mountains but will come down to intense forest areas if it gets very cold.
The Family Secret Page 10