‘I mean, they’re desperate to meet her,’ he continued. ‘I think she’ll love it.’
‘Okay. But how? Will they come here to visit?’
‘Well, I thought you might both like to come to Scotland for Christmas?’
I thought of the last Christmas I’d spent with the McCluskys: in many ways, idyllic. In others, not so much. I twirled the phone cable around my fingers. ‘I don’t know.’
‘It’ll be good for her,’ Dylan said. ‘To meet her cousins, her grandparents, uncles and aunts.’
‘Cousins?’
‘Cole and Rhonda had another boy.’ I thought of what I’d overheard Dylan saying to Cole, about their marriage being one of convenience.
‘I’ll think about it,’ I said. ‘I just don’t want to overwhelm her.’
‘I get it.’ But I could hear the disappointment in his voice.
When I broached the subject with Lumin, she jumped up from the dinner table in happiness, her eyes wide. ‘Yes! I want to meet my cousins!’
So that was decided. I was going back to Scotland.
Chapter Twenty-One
Gwyneth
Audhild Loch
22 December 1996
Memories of the Christmas I’d spent with the McCluskys all those years ago rushed at me as I drove up towards the lodge a couple of weeks after my phone call with Dylan. Mainly good memories, but as I took in the iced-over lake, I couldn’t help seeing Heather curled up amongst the shards there, skin turning blue. Then, suddenly, a flashback to being beneath the loch’s surface, scrabbling at the broken glass in terror, just before Dylan saved me.
‘Are you okay, Mummy?’ Lumin asked.
I blinked, looking at her concerned face. ‘Oh yes, just remembering last time I was here. How are you?’
Lumin did that thing she did when she was nervous, sucking her thumb and twirling her hair around her finger, looking out of the window without answering. That was answer enough, and it made the knot of angst already twisting in my stomach tighten even more. I had casually suggested that we could turn around and go home when I’d noticed how quiet she was getting, but she’d vehemently shaken her head. ‘I want to see Daddy.’ Yes, she was already calling him Daddy. To me, anyway – I hadn’t yet heard her call Dylan Daddy on the phone.
As we turned into the McCluskys’ private lane, I had to give way to a four-by-four. It passed and I recognised the two faces inside: Rosa and Gavin, the couple who had given me a lift to the train station. I smiled in greeting, wondering if they’d remember the bedraggled woman who’d turned up at their house seven Christmases ago. Rosa’s eyes widened then she nudged Gavin, pointing towards me. He turned to look at me, then Lumin, and his face turned to stone.
Strange couple.
As we drove past the loch, Lumin stared out at it. It wasn’t snowy like before, but the ice glistened on the surrounded grass and snow topped the mountain above. It must look so magical to a child.
Dylan appeared instantly at the door when we drew up. He looked unbearably handsome in a thick grey V-neck jumper and black cords, his beard having grown in the three months we’d seen each other last, his hair longer again too.
He ran over to the car, helped Lumin out and swirled her around as she giggled. ‘You look like you’ve grown a metre since I saw you last,’ he said as he put her down.
‘Your silly beard does too,’ she teased back.
He stroked his beard, pretending to be hurt. ‘Fine, I’ll shave it off for you.’
‘No! I like it really.’
He laughed and took her hand, then smiled at me over her head, as though just noticing me. ‘Hey, Gwyneth.’
‘Hey.’
We both hesitated then went in for an awkward kiss on the cheek as Lumin watched us.
‘Thanks for inviting us,’ I said, quickly drawing away from him, hating how stilted things were between us now.
‘It’s a pleasure.’ We walked into the lodge and I was surprised at how quiet it was.
‘It’s just us for a few hours,’ Dylan said. ‘They’re giving us some time.’
That was good. I didn’t want Lumin being rushed into it all.
‘Do you want some time, just you two?’ I asked, suddenly aware he might mean me too.
Dylan shook his head as he helped Lumin take her red woollen coat off. ‘Maybe later. I’ve done lunch for you both. Note the I,’ he said, puffing his chest out. ‘I made it all myself.’
I quirked an eyebrow. ‘Impressive.’
‘Come on then.’ He led us through to the living room where the large coffee table was topped with a tray of sandwiches, crisps and cakes.
I looked around me. It felt surreal to be back there. Still the same in many ways. Though the wood looked a little more worn, the sofa frayed at the edges.
‘I made different types of cakes,’ Dylan said. ‘Chocolate, vanilla, carrot cake … I wasn’t sure what you’d like, Lumin,’ he added, voice wavering slightly.
‘Chocolate!’ Lumin exclaimed, running over to one of the cakes and taking it. She looked up at me. ‘Can I?’
‘Of course, darling,’ I said. It was strange how easily children adapted, walking in like they’d been here a hundred times before. Maybe she had in her little mind. The thought of her imagining life with a father she didn’t then know made me sad.
‘Did you really make the cakes?’ I asked Dylan, sitting down on the sofa and smoothing my jumper down.
‘Yep, sandwiches too.’
‘It’s yummy,’ Lumin said between mouthfuls.
Dylan caught my eye and we laughed.
Over the next couple of hours, we ate lunch and I watched as Dylan and Lumin drew and played together. Their relationship seemed so natural; I almost felt left out. But still, it made me happy, to see Lumin so relaxed … Dylan too.
Eventually, there was the sound of cars crunching on gravel. Lumin looked out of the window, face nervous. When the door opened and voices boomed out, she got up and came to sit by me, clutching my hand. Dylan watched her with worried eyes. I shot him a smile and he smiled back, gaze holding mine.
Mairi was the first to walk in, pulling her gloves off and striding over to her granddaughter. ‘Look at those McClusky cheekbones!’ she declared. ‘Come then,’ she said, beckoning Lumin over. Lumin pressed even closer to me.
‘Give her time, Mum,’ Dylan said.
‘Already the watchful father,’ Mairi replied with pride on her face. ‘Come,’ she said again to Lumin in a gentler voice.
Lumin looked up at me and for a moment, I wanted to tell her to stay beside me. But what right did I have when I’d deprived Mairi of her granddaughter for so long?
‘Go on,’ I said, gently nudging her towards Mairi.
She walked over and Mairi put her hands on Lumin’s shoulders. ‘My granddaughter,’ she said, her eyes filling with tears. ‘You will never want for anything again. You’re a McClusky now, you hear?’
‘She hasn’t wanted for anything,’ I said.
Mairi looked at me. ‘I know!’ She gave Lumin a quick hug as Cole walked in, red-cheeked and holding a baby of about eight or nine months in his arms. Cole caught my eye and for a moment, a shadow crossed his face. But then he recovered himself and smiled, placed the baby down on the floor and went to Lumin. ‘God, you can tell you’re a McClusky. I’m your uncle Cole,’ he said, giving her a warm hug. ‘And that is your cousin, Lilly,’ he said, gesturing to the baby who was now crawling up to Lumin and placing her chubby hands on Lumin’s shoes.
Lumin sat on the floor and stared at the baby. ‘I’ve never had a cousin before,’ she said.
‘Well, now you have two of them,’ Cole said. ‘Alfie, come meet Lumin.’
Alfie came thundering in with a toy airplane and ran around the room with it as Rhonda watched from the doorway, shaking her head. He must be about eight now and was tall like his father and uncles.
‘Look what your daddy got me,’ he said, flinging himself onto the floor with Lumin and showing
her his plane.
She smiled slightly and stroked one of the wings.
‘Want to play with it?’ Alfie asked her.
She shrugged, her way of trying to look grown-up. ‘Sure.’
I watched as they both jumped up and skipped over to the window with Lilly crawling after them, gurgling nonsense. I have to admit, it warmed my heart. I’d often thought about the fact that Lumin wouldn’t have any cousins; no siblings either, as I couldn’t see myself ever having more children. That had always been a worry for me, that she’d feel lonely. Maybe in the back of my mind I’d wondered if she might meet the McCluskys one day. But it hadn’t really been a realistic possibility until now. So it was good to see her with her cousins. I was pleased she wouldn’t miss out on the richness of an extended family.
‘Hello you,’ Rhonda said, giving me a kiss on both cheeks. She looked exhausted, understandable really considering she had two children now. I looked into her eyes, pushing down the questions that had built up since the day I overhead Cole and Dylan talking at Asher’s house. Now wasn’t the time.
I looked back over at Lumin as I thought of the dark secret the two brothers had discussed. I hope I hadn’t made a mistake bringing her here.
‘Where’s Dad?’ Dylan asked.
Dylan and Cole exchanged a look.
‘Just in the loo,’ Mairi said. ‘Did Lumin like your cakes?’
‘She tried a bite of each,’ he said, gesturing towards the plate of cakes, each one with one bite taken out of it.
‘And wolfed down all three of the chocolate ones,’ I added.
They all laughed and I made myself laugh with them. But it felt so odd. I’d kept Lumin a secret from them. Maybe it didn’t matter to them. Maybe they were so good and kind, they easily forgave.
There was a shuffling sound then Oscar walked in. I had to stop myself double-taking. He was a shadow of his former self, thin and holding a walking stick as he limped. One side of his face was drawn downwards.
‘Let’s see the girl then,’ he slurred. He shuffled past me, giving me a quick squeeze of the arm and a smile, and walked to the Christmas tree. Lumin and Alfie stopped playing, both staring up at Oscar.
‘That’s our grandad,’ Alfie said. ‘His heart is bad.’
‘Alfie!’ Rhonda exclaimed.
‘It’s fine, it’s fine,’ Oscar said. He lowered himself to a nearby armchair and gestured for Lumin to come over. She looked at me again, needing my permission. I nodded so she walked over to Oscar. He took her hand, smiling as he explored her face. ‘Beautiful,’ he said. ‘You have the best of your father and the best of your mother. Hopefully none of the bad, hey?’ he added.
Lumin turned round and gave me an uncertain look.
‘Very good,’ Oscar said, nodding. ‘You’re one of us now.’
It made me feel uncomfortable, all this talk of my daughter being one of them. She was mine. Mine and Dylan’s. I walked over to her and put a protective arm on her shoulder. ‘Good to see you, Oscar.’
‘You too, Gwyneth. Would have been better to see you earlier.’
‘Dad,’ Cole said in a low warning voice.
‘It’s fine,’ I said, pleased the unsayable had been said. ‘Oscar’s right. I should have done this sooner. But it’s wonderful we’re here now, isn’t it, Lumin?’
Lumin nodded, eyes now seeking out her father. Dylan gave her an encouraging smile and she smiled back. As they did that, I noticed Mairi watching me with a serious face.
‘Hello, hello, hello!’ a voice called out.
We all turned to see Glenn walk in with Alison. Glenn looked great, his dark hair longer, his skin tanned.
Alison looked like she’d just returned from a holiday again, face tanned. ‘Where is she then?’ she asked, eyes searching the room before they landed on Lumin.
Glenn smiled. He gave me a quick peck on the cheek before walking over to Lumin with Alison. ‘Right, tell me your favourite Disney song.’
Lumin looked a bit overwhelmed but she still managed a smile. ‘A Part of Your World’.
‘The Little Mermaid, awesome,’ Glenn said.
He cleared his throat and Dylan shook his head, exchanging embarrassed looks with Cole. ‘Oh God, here we go.’
Glenn then started belting out ‘A Part of Your World’ in a stunning voice. Lumin’s eyes widened as he took her hand and swung her around, still singing. She giggled, and Lilly crawled over and grasped her uncle’s legs.
This family was so seductive, every member as fascinating as the next. I felt myself pale into insignificance by comparison. Would Lumin want to be with them all the time?
Dylan came and stood beside me, as though sensing my worries. ‘The McCluskys,’ he murmured to me. ‘They don’t just welcome new members with open arms, they drag them in kicking and screaming.’ We smiled at each other, holding each other’s gaze for a moment before Dylan walked over to his daughter and Rhonda strolled over to me.
‘I imagine this is rather strange for you,’ she said as we watched Dylan swing Lumin around.
‘It is a bit. But then I suppose I brought it on myself.’
‘By keeping your daughter a secret all these years?’ she said.
I sighed. ‘I feel terrible now. But it really felt like the right decision at the time.’
‘I get it, really. Dylan told me what happened, how he just left you with hardly any explanation. He’s been kicking himself ever since, you know, losing the love of his life. No wonder you were worried he’d reject your daughter. But look at them both. Your worries were unfounded.’ She squeezed my hand then went to stand with Cole.
I watched Dylan play with Lumin. First his mother telling me he loved me. Now Rhonda. But I saw no sign of that. Plus it wasn’t what I was searching for … was it? I’d long accepted that horse had bolted.
Over the next couple of hours, as the children played, we all sat drinking tea and talking. It felt very civilised, much like that first Christmas I’d spent with them as they asked me about my job, about the village we lived in, how Lumin was getting on at school. I tried my best to answer, to smile, but I felt Dylan’s eyes burning into me, Rhonda’s words echoing in my mind.
The love of his life.
I suddenly caught Cole’s eye. Though he was sitting on the floor, playing with his daughter, he was watching me. When I caught his gaze, he quickly looked away.
I stood up. I needed some air. I checked on Lumin and she seemed happy enough, playing Hungry Hippos with Alfie, Glenn and Rhonda, all of them hooting with laughter.
‘Just popping to the loo,’ I said to Rhonda. ‘Can you keep an eye on Lumin?’
She smiled. ‘She’ll be fine. She’s with family.’
I smiled back at her and walked out. When I was out of sight, I leant against the wall, taking deep gulping breaths. It felt so overwhelming. And yet Lumin was fine, more than fine, happy. That was what mattered, wasn’t it? Now, not the past and all the regrets I had?
‘Gwyneth.’ I looked up to see Dylan softly closing the door of the living room, shutting the noise out. ‘Are you okay?’
I took a deep breath, trying to recover myself. ‘Sure, just needed a moment.’
‘I know how difficult this must be for you.’
‘And you,’ I said. ‘More for you.’
He looked down at the ground. ‘Yep.’
‘If you need to let all that pent-up anger out at me, this is the time to do it,’ I said, almost yearning for him to do just that. A chance for closure, to move past the guilt I felt.
He looked up at me again, his dark eyes blazing into mine. ‘Shall we take a walk? Lumin will be fine in there. In fact, I don’t even think she noticed we left the room.’
‘I need to let her know where I’m going.’
‘I told her already.’
I blinked. ‘Oh. Okay, sure.’ It felt strange, relinquishing control of my daughter.
I pulled my coat and boots on, and Dylan and I stepped out into the cold. I welcomed the feel of
it on my face. The house had felt stifling, too hot and loud. I think Dylan felt the same as he breathed in the frigid air, closing his eyes.
‘Shall we walk to the mountain?’ he asked.
I hesitated. The last time we’d walked to the mountains, we’d made love in his barn. ‘Okay,’ I said eventually.
‘Lumin seems to be enjoying herself,’ Dylan said as we walked around the back of the house.
I nodded. ‘She seems very happy. She adores you,’ I added, looking up at him.
‘She’s wonderful.’ Then his face clouded over. ‘It kills me to think of the years I missed out on.’
I clenched my fists. ‘I’m so sorry. There were so many times I thought about contacting you. But I always chickened out.’
‘Me too. In fact, I nearly did get in touch. Then my dad had the stroke.’
We walked in silence towards the snow-topped trees, moving uphill as more snow began to fall. I could feel the tension between us, hot and bubbling in contrast to our freezing surroundings. I stopped walking, grabbed his arm to make him stop too. I needed answers.
‘Why did you end things, Dylan?’ I asked honestly. ‘I know you explained why but, I don’t know, it just doesn’t ring true.’
He took a deep breath. ‘Cole told me you were thinking about pulling out of a job in Finland for me. He said you thought if you went to Finland, I’d break up with you.’
I thought back to that long conversation Cole and I had had. ‘Yes, I told him I was thinking about pulling out. But I didn’t mention anything about being worried we’d break up. I think I made it pretty clear it was more about what I wanted, not what I thought you wanted.’
Dylan’s dark eyes narrowed. ‘So Cole lied to me?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe he just got the wrong end of the stick?’
Dylan glared back at the house, watching Cole through the vast windows.
‘So let me get this clear,’ I said. ‘You walked away because you thought it was best for me, not because you didn’t want a relationship with me? Not because you didn’t …’ I let my voice trail off.
The Family Secret Page 23