‘Do you think the Howards will win?’ I asked.
‘Who knows? But if they do,’ Rhonda said as she looked toward the huge Christmas tree, ‘there will be no more Christmases at the lodge. Which, to be honest, might not be such a bad thing. I’d quite like to have Christmas at our own place for once. And between you and me,’ she said, leaning even closer to me, ‘Gavin Howard scares me. You know he turned up here the night before you arrived, screaming at us all and waking us? There’s such bad blood between the families and he’s so unpredictable now he’s turned even more to drink.’ She shook her head. ‘God knows what he’s capable of doing.’
I shivered, and wrapped my arms around myself. What had I brought Lumin into?
Over the next couple of days, my concerns dissipated. Dylan was determined to give his daughter the best time of her life, and brought the rest of the family with him too. I wondered if part of it was about taking his parents’ minds off the court case. In some ways, it worked. It was lovely to see Oscar taking joy in buying a gingerbread man for Lumin as they walked around a Christmas fair at a nearby village, his eyes alight. Or Mairi smiling in pride as she helped Lumin place a silver star on top of their huge Christmas tree, so huge they needed a ladder. Lumin loved it too, absolutely in awe of a local waterfall which had frozen solid, especially when Dylan and Cole decided to climb it in a show of brotherly competition.
Despite their troubles, the McCluskys were what family was all about. Yes, there was tension between the brothers. But otherwise they all seemed to love each other so much and were particularly kind around Oscar. I loved watching Lumin take it all in and imagined future Christmases spent here.
But then it occurred to me, I wouldn’t be there if ever Lumin came back, which I was sure she would. It wasn’t usual for the ex to tag along, after all, and the fact was, I was Dylan’s ex. Sure, I caught him watching me sometimes, but his face was unreadable. After our conversation on the mountain the other day had been interrupted by Gavin, there hadn’t been another mention of it. I couldn’t help but ache for Dylan though. He was still the man I’d fallen for. Handsome and strong but so charming and kind too. It was hard to switch those feelings off.
Plus, of course, Mairi and Rhonda were convinced he still loved me. But as the days went on, I began to doubt it. They wanted him to love me. It would allow everything to be tied up in a neat bow, especially for Mairi, who clearly liked the idea of Dylan settling down. But life couldn’t be tied into a neat bow, could it?
On Christmas Eve night, we all got dressed up in our best outfits to have champagne in the living room. I’d brought a gorgeous white dress for Lumin with a snowflake pattern all over it, and I was wearing a pale green silk dress. When we walked downstairs, Dylan was waiting for us wearing a pair of dark trousers with a cream jumper. His face softened when he saw Lumin. Then when he turned to me, he looked at me in a way I couldn’t quite read.
‘A celebration,’ Mairi said, lifting her glass as we entered the living room. ‘To our special girl, our lovely Lumin.’
Lumin shyly put her cheek against Dylan’s arm and he stroked her hair, smiling down at his daughter.
‘And to Gwyneth,’ Mairi added, ‘for bringing her back into our lives.’
I smiled awkwardly. Had she forgotten I’d kept them from their lives too? It was good of her to put a positive spin on it though.
‘To Lumin and Gwyneth,’ Oscar said.
I lifted my glass with the others and took a sip of champagne, my eyes catching Dylan’s. But then we were pulled into the familiar McClusky ritual of burning the rowan tree branches and, as the family chattered away and got wrapped up in the excitement of the festive period, and I focused on getting Lumin ready for bed, we hardly had a chance to talk. In fact, by the time I returned downstairs, Dylan was already outside with his brother Glenn, watching the fire. I popped my head out of the door into the frigid air and the two men looked up.
‘I’m going to pop to bed now, I think,’ I said, almost hoping Dylan would come inside for a hot chocolate or something.
But he just nodded. ‘Yep, been a busy day. See you in the morning. I bet Lumin will be excited.’
‘Oh, she sure will. Night then.’
‘Night!’ the two brothers called out. Then I closed the door and headed upstairs, the fire of rowan branches flickering behind me.
I slept well that night, which surprised me. I thought my mind would be restless. But then I woke to the sound of Lumin shouting. Her bedroom was right next to mine so I darted to it just as Dylan did the same. We paused as we gazed at each other in the moonlight-flooded landing.
‘You go,’ he said.
‘We’ll both go.’
We both stepped into the room to see Lumin sitting up in bed, eyes wide. ‘I dreamt I was in the lake,’ she sobbed. ‘Under the ice!’
Dylan’s face filled with horror. He ran to her bed. ‘No,’ he quickly said, stroking her head. ‘That will never happen.’
‘Do you promise?’ she said, looking up at him.
I joined them. ‘It’s just a nightmare, a silly nightmare,’ I said. She sank into my arms and I held her until she fell back to sleep. Dylan watched, face sombre.
‘Why would she dream something like that?’ I whispered to Dylan.
‘Maybe she heard us talking about when you fell in the lake?’
‘Maybe.’ I gave her a soft kiss then stood up. ‘She’s asleep.’
Dylan reluctantly stood up too, his face filled with sorrow. We both walked out and I gently closed the door. Dylan walked to the large window on the landing and looked out at the loch.
‘What really happened out there?’ I whispered in the darkness to Dylan.
I saw him close his eyes in the reflection of the glass. Then he walked to his room. For a moment, I thought he was going to just go inside without saying anything. But instead, he put his hand out to me. ‘Come with me.’
I hesitated.
‘You get the best view of the lake from my room,’ he said.
‘Okay.’ I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling the cool night air through the thin material of my nightie. Then I followed Dylan into his room and towards the large window that overlooked the loch. I could make out some shapes in the darkness of his room: wooden sculptures, books, drawings sent to him by Lumin.
I stood by Dylan, both of us looking out at the lake. The night was still, no snow falling for now. The branches of the rowan tree below stirred, the fire still alight as Alison and Cole tended to it. Cole stared out at the loch, face sombre.
‘I had a friend,’ Dylan said. ‘Her name was Eleanor.’ He smiled to himself. ‘She was a real tomboy. Liked making things with wood like me. She helped me and Cole build the barn up in the mountains.’
‘The E in your sign?’ I asked. Dylan nodded. I thought of our encounter with Gavin a few days before. ‘She was Gavin and Rosa’s daughter, wasn’t she?’ He nodded again. ‘What happened to her?’
‘She fell through the ice. Got trapped and …’ He squeezed his eyes shut. ‘She drowned. That’s why Heather is such a mess. Or was. She saw it all when she was so young.’
I thought of Lumin having to witness a girl drowning at such a young age. No wonder Heather seemed so vulnerable that Christmas I first met them all. It all made sense now, the way she went to the lake. It must have played on her mind so much.
Dylan’s too.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I whispered, placing my hand on his arm.
‘It was Christmas Day. She was walking back from a party we had here. It was the only time the rowan tree fire had gone out … apart from the year we met.’ His eyes flitted to mine then away again. ‘She knew not to go across the loch on the ice. You never knew if it was quite thick enough. But she was in a rush to get away.’
‘Get away? Why?’
He angrily wiped a tear from his cheek. ‘It doesn’t matter. Ancient history.’
‘Dylan, come on, you clearly need to get it out. I can tell Gavin blames you
all for her death somehow. Was it because she was here before she died … or is there more to it than that?’
He held my gaze for a long time, clearly battling whether to tell me or not. ‘If I tell you, will you tell me what happened to you? I know there’s something in your past, Gwyneth.’
I stepped away from him. ‘That’s got nothing to do with this.’
He put his hands on my shoulders, dark eyes pleading with me. ‘Yes, it does! I want us both to be open with one another, otherwise what’s the point of us?’
‘Us? What is us, Dylan? You walked out on me.’
‘And you kept our daughter from me!’
‘Exactly. We’re a mess.’
‘Yeah,’ he said, his hands dropping from my shoulders, his eyes alight with anger. ‘A fucking mess.’
‘What’s the point?’ I went to walk out but then he grabbed my arm.
‘Don’t go, Gwyneth.’
I looked down at his hand then at his face, which flickered with emotion.
‘Okay, if you want the truth,’ I said. He looked at me expectantly. I thought about telling him in that moment, I really did. But when it came to the crunch, I just couldn’t. So instead I told another truth. ‘I love you.’
He blinked, face unreadable.
‘I’m not asking for anything,’ I quickly added. ‘I’m not expecting you to love me in return, that’s not why I’m telling you. I just need to tell the truth about something. I know you probably don’t love me and I’ll be happy if you’re in my life through Lumin. I just needed you to know and—’
He pulled me towards him, pressing his lips against mine. I felt my whole body relax as he wrapped his arm around my waist to pull me even closer, his fingers on my neck.
‘God, I love you too.’ He laughed against my lips. ‘Jesus Christ, we really are a mess, aren’t we?’
‘The best kind of mess,’ I said. Our kisses grew more intense and we stumbled towards his bed. As we made love, it felt like nothing had changed between us. No years had passed from the moment he left. And the secrets we’d each come so close to divulging just moments ago had been forgotten.
After, we lay in each other’s arms, smiling giddily at each other as new snow started drifting from the dark skies outside and our child slept in her room next door.
Our child.
How wonderful it felt to think that.
I looked up at Dylan. He had one arm stretched behind his head, the other around my shoulders as he stared up the ceiling. So we’d finally told each other we loved one another. But what did that mean for our future? And did I want there to be a future between us?
Yes, of course. I’d grown used to my little family unit with Lumin. But the idea of Dylan being part of that filled me with joy.
He noticed me watching him. ‘So …?’
‘So what?’ I asked.
He laughed. ‘Okay, I’ll go first. I love you. I love our kid. She’s amazing.’ He gazed at the wall that divided our room from Lumin’s. ‘Sure, it kind of kills me to know how much I’ve missed out on.’ I sighed and he gave me a quick kiss. ‘But we won’t dwell on that. This is about the future and I want the future to be about us. You, me and Lumin.’ His eyes filled with tears. ‘A family.’
I felt my own eyes fill with tears. ‘I feel the same.’
‘That’s just as well then!’
We both laughed. ‘So what now?’ I asked.
His face grew serious. ‘I’ve been thinking. So we don’t disrupt Lumin, I could move to be closer to you both. If it’s not too soon,’ he said with a deep breath, ‘we could get a place together. I don’t want to rush things,’ he added quickly. ‘Especially for Lumin’s sake, I don’t want to come bulldozing into her life, into your life. You’ve done the most amazing job the past few years, bringing her up. I don’t want to rock the boat.’
‘It’s fine. Our daughter’s tougher than you think. But you’re right, she’s settled in the village. And there is an old house I keep driving past that could be an amazing family home with a little bit of McClusky magic …’
His face lit up. ‘That’s the sort of thing I was thinking of. Or Iceland. Remember the farmland Asher owns? I always imagined us living there. I don’t mean soon, but maybe some time in the future.’
I smiled. ‘Iceland. I like the sound of that. But what about your family? They need you here for the business, right?’
He looked towards the door that led out onto the landing and the rest of his family’s bedrooms. ‘Maybe it’s time I cut the apron strings.’
I gave him an incredulous look.
‘Why not?’ he said, face animated. ‘They have Cole. I can help them out remotely if I need to. There are plenty of site managers out there looking for jobs.’
‘What about …’ I paused.
‘What?’
‘Rhonda mentioned something about a land dispute?’
Dylan closed his eyes and lay his head back on the pillow, groaning. ‘Another reason to leave. I don’t want to get tangled up in all that.’
I placed my hand on his chest. Outside, a flock of ducks squawked by, their cries filling the night air.
‘But what if they lose the land to the Howards?’ I asked. ‘Does that mean they’ll lose this house?’
He thought about it for a moment. ‘Is that such a bad thing? New start and all that. In fact, I’ve often imagined this place burning to the ground.’
I sat up, looking at him in shock. ‘How can you say that?’
‘I don’t mean it, not really,’ he said quickly. ‘I just mean it feels like an anchor to me, keeping me tied to this land, to my family. I don’t feel I can have my own life. Maybe, without this place, I can have my own life.’
I regarded his face. I’d yearned for a family like his when I was staying in that hotel with my aunt. I’d yearned for it over the years too. I’d see other people and think how lucky they were to have their families around them.
But maybe I was the lucky one not to have been tied down by one?
‘Whatever you want to do, Dylan,’ I said. ‘I just want you to be happy. And I want us to be together.’
‘We’ll be together,’ he said, stroking my cheek. ‘From now on, we’ll always be together: you, me and Lumin.’
Chapter Twenty-Four
When I walked downstairs on Christmas Day with Lumin, it was like I was stepping back in time. The smell of mulled wine drifted towards me. There was the sound of chatter and laughter from the living room and the flames of the candles flickered in the windows, welcoming guests, just as they had when I’d arrived there that first time seven years ago.
We walked into the living room, which was strewn with wrapping paper, Alfie having already started opening his presents.
‘Look, Lumin, Santa’s been!’ Alfie declared, dragging his cousin to the Christmas tree, which was laden with presents. In Lumin’s hand was the china doll Dylan had got her. She’d been desperate for an old-fashioned one and Dylan had found the perfect one with golden hair and a pink frilly dress. I knew it would become her new favourite when I saw the way she looked at it as she opened it that morning with us, like the gingerbread man Oscar had got her to hang around her neck, which she wore every day and was gradually nibbling through.
It had been so special that morning, just the three of us. Lumin had come thundering into my room at five. I’d gone back in there after spending the night with Dylan, knowing Lumin would wake early. As we’d opened our presents together, there’d been a knock on the door and Dylan had appeared in his pyjamas, bringing with him a pile of presents. We’d wanted a couple of hours just for us, our little family.
‘Looks like my parents have gone a bit overboard.’ I turned to see Dylan behind me now, a mischievous smile on his face.
‘Those presents are all from them?’
‘No, from Santa,’ he whispered.
‘Oooops, sorry,’ I said. ‘Well, Santa has been very generous and kind.’
His face clouded over. ‘Ser
iously though, they shouldn’t have. They don’t have the money.’
‘Maybe that’s why, their last chance to be extravagant?’
‘Maybe.’ He kissed me on the cheek, his lips lingering on my skin. In the distance, I saw Rhonda nudge Mairi. Mairi looked over, her face bursting into a smile.
‘I didn’t have time to give this to you in the excitement of Lumin opening her presents,’ Dylan said gently to me. ‘Here.’ He handed me a small box. I thought back to when he’d given me the carved ptarmigan. I unwrapped it as Lumin opened her presents from her grandparents, and smiled when I saw it was a seal carved from wood. Not just any seal, but Duchess, majestic as she sat on a rock.
I looked up at him. ‘Thank you. It’s beautiful. Here’s yours.’
I handed him the present I’d spent time searching for: a stamp made specifically for wood with the words ‘Handmade by Dylan McClusky’ on it. I’d seen the stickers he used and thought he’d like something different so I’d commissioned someone to make this personalised stamp. When Dylan opened it, his face lit up. ‘For my business?’
I smiled with him. ‘For your business.’
He pressed the metal of the stamp into the ink pad I’d included then walked to the hallway, picked up one of his wood carvings and stamped the bottom. Then he walked back into the living room and he put his arms around me as we watched Lumin twirl around in the new dress Heather had got her, squeezed on over her other dress.
‘She’s having such fun,’ I said.
‘I’ll make sure she has even more fun when we’re living together,’ Dylan replied. ‘In fact, I’ve already started planning the most amazing playroom for her.’
Mairi and Oscar walked over then, Oscar limping. ‘You look splendid together,’ Oscar said.
Mairi gave me a rare smile. ‘You really do. And doesn’t Lumin look like a proper wee girl in that dress?’
We all looked over towards Lumin, who was gazing up at the Christmas tree with a smile on her face. ‘She really does,’ I said. ‘Thank you so much for your hospitality.’
The Family Secret Page 25