Chapter Thirty-One
Gwyneth
Winterton Chime
24 December 2009
Fieldfares are large, colourful thrushes which are known for their distinctive walk, moving forward with purposeful hops. They flock to Winterton Chine in the cold months, making it their home for the season. These wintering birds will happily form into large flocks, and if one strays, it will eventually find its way back into the fold.
I stepped off the train, taking a moment to breathe in the seaweed-scented air. The last time I was in Winterton Chime was when my parents drove me out of the town thirty years ago.
Thirty years. Had it really been that long?
After I’d told Lumin everything that day before she left for university, she was quiet at first. It was a lot to take in. But then she’d pulled me into a hug. ‘I can’t believe you’ve lived with this for so long.’
‘Now you understand why I can’t go back to Winterton Chine,’ I’d said, wiping tears from my eyes.
‘That’s ridiculous! Thirty years have passed, Mum. You have to go back.’
‘No. I’m pleased I told you. But I’m not going back.’
‘We can go together! I’m off in December, we can—’
‘I said no, Lumin!’ I’d shouted back.
Lumin’s mouth had dropped open.
‘Look,’ I’d said, voice softer now as I picked her bag up for her. ‘It’s already been ten minutes. If you miss your train, you won’t be able to go until tomorrow.’
‘Maybe that’s a good thing,’ she’d said, concern registering on her face. ‘I can stay, we can talk.’
‘Absolutely not. You need to settle in, meet new friends, have a few drinks. Go,’ I said, steering her down the path.
She’d reluctantly taken her bag from me and started to walk off. Then she’d paused, turning back to me. ‘You’ll always regret it, not trying. Dad lived his life with regret over what happened to the girl who drowned. I think you need closure, Mum, I really do.’
But I’d just laughed, and given her a hug, telling her I loved her. ‘You should be a psychiatrist.’ Then I’d watched her walk off, her ponytail swinging across her back, the notepad of my scribblings and her dad’s drawings in the front pocket of her bag, a small link to us.
She’d called me the next weekend, told me she was going to book tickets to the UK for December and I couldn’t stop her. I’d told her I wouldn’t go, simple as that. I still half-expected some tickets to arrive in the post the next week, but they didn’t, and soon Lumin was so wrapped up in her new life at university, she didn’t mention it again. She’d even made plans to stay an extra few days at university before Christmas.
But I couldn’t forget it, her words ringing in my ears. With Lumin at university, the quiet of the barn had made my thoughts turn back to my childhood. I’d been so used to either being on shoots around the world or being with Lumin that I hadn’t stopped to properly think of my past before she was born. In the two months since Lumin had been at university, I thought so many times of booking flights back to the UK. Just going back to Winterton Chine, seeking out my parents, begging forgiveness for disappearing off the face of the earth. But it had also been about seeing if I could forgive them too. Being a mother now made me realise how difficult it is to turn your back on your child, no matter what they have done. How could they have just abandoned me like that?
But so many times, I chickened out.
Until a week ago. I knew Lumin would be home on Christmas Eve. So I decided to book a flight to the UK a few days before. I needed to do this myself.
And now here I was, back in my childhood town.
I took a deep breath, catching sight of the beach in the distance. It hadn’t changed much, still so beautiful in the winter, ice a mosaic against the sand. The cold waves swelled then flowed away, the winter sun glinting from above. Four women sit in front of the row of beach huts, laughing about something.
So many times I’d walked along this beach, escaped to it too after what had happened.
Tears welled in my eyes. How different things would have been if I’d been able to stay. But then I wouldn’t have my Lumin. I wouldn’t have met Dylan.
‘See, Dylan. I’m here,’ I whispered to the wind. ‘I’m facing my truth, like you did.’
Chapter Thirty-Two
Amber
Winterton Chine
24 December 2009
Amber and Lumin walk towards the gift shop where Amber’s mum and aunt are ‘womaning the fort’ as Viv had put it. Lumin has just been to hospital for a check-up and her doctor was confident that, with time, she would regain her memory.
Now it was just a case of waiting until her mother turned up. Amber wasn’t quite sure how the two would find each other. But it was a small town. If they missed each other then so be it, they’d eventually catch her when she returned to Iceland and Lumin could be reunited with her.
‘Well, don’t you look a sight,’ Amber’s mum says as they approach. ‘So much better than that shivering girl we saw a couple of weeks ago.’
Lumin laughs. ‘I feel better than that girl did then too.’ She looks at the shop. ‘I didn’t really take this in last time I was here.’ She walks in and her fingers trace the objects inside. She crouches down to look at a shell-encrusted frame, renovated by Amber. ‘Your work is amazing, Amber. You need to get it out there more.’
‘Get it on Etsy!’ Viv and Rita say at the same time.
‘All right, maybe Etsy is the way forward,’ Amber says grudgingly.
‘Maybe, hey?’ Rita says to Viv. ‘That’s more than we’ve managed to get out of her, isn’t it? How do you manage it, Lumin?’
‘She’s scared of me,’ Lumin said matter-of-factly. ‘I have a mean left hook.’
‘She really does,’ Amber says.
The older women look at them in shock.
‘When it comes to throwing snowballs anyway,’ Amber adds.
‘The look on their faces!’ Lumin says. Lumin and Amber collapse into fits of giggles, leaning into each other as Rita shakes her head.
But Viv isn’t laughing with them. Instead, she’s standing up, the blanket falling from her knees as she stares at the woman watching them from afar.
The woman starts walking towards them. She is tall, slim, with a large rucksack on her back.
Viv lets out a sob, putting her hand to her mouth.
The woman comes to a stop in front of Viv. ‘Mum?’ she says.
Amber looks between them, mind throbbing with confusion. ‘I don’t understand.’
Then the woman looks at Lumin, her face lighting up. ‘Darling, what on earth are you doing here?’
‘Mum!’ Lumin shouts, running towards the woman.
Amber realises who it is now: it’s Gwyneth, Lumin’s mother.
‘Gwen?’ Viv says in a trembling voice. ‘Can it really be you?’
‘Gwendolyn?’ Rita says, mouth dropping open. ‘Surely not!’
‘Gwendolyn?’ Lumin says, confused.
‘I changed my name slightly,’ Gwyneth explains. ‘Reg kept getting it wrong, calling me Gwyneth instead. It stuck.’
‘What the hell is going on?’ Amber asks, so confused she feels her head might burst.
Lumin and Gwyneth pull apart. Gwyneth’s eyes drop to Amber’s bad hand and she puts her hand to her mouth. ‘Little Amber,’ she whispers.
‘Mum, what’s going on?’ Amber asks her mother.
‘Gwen is your cousin, love,’ Rita whispers, an unbearable sadness in her eyes.
‘Cousin? I don’t have any cousins!’
Lumin looks between all of them, shock registering on her face.
Tears snaking down her cheeks, Viv tentatively puts her hand to Gwyneth’s cheek. ‘You’re so beautiful.’
Gwyneth steps back, shaking her head. ‘Don’t.’
‘Is she your daughter, Viv?’ Amber asks. Her aunt nods and Amber frowns. ‘But – but you didn’t have any children.’
; ‘She left when you were five,’ Rita says. ‘You used to adore her. You were probably too young to remember properly.’
Amber tries to search her memory. There’s something there, at the edges …
Gwyneth’s fists clench and unclench. ‘Left. Did I leave? Or was I pushed?’
‘It was only meant to be for the summer,’ Viv says to her, eyes pleading.
‘Your mother was devastated,’ Rita continued for her sister. ‘But you were so out of control after …’ She looks at Amber, her voice trailing off. ‘Then you just disappeared off the face of the earth.’
‘Did you even try to find me?’ Gwyneth asks in a trembling voice.
‘Of course I did!’ Viv shouted.
‘She did, love,’ Rita says, nodding vehemently. ‘Spent weeks in London, hanging posters up.’
‘Clearly didn’t try hard enough though,’ Gwyneth says. ‘I know what I did was awful, but I was your daughter.’
‘You are my daughter,’ Viv whispers.
‘Why would you send your own daughter away?’ Amber asks her aunt. ‘What did she do that was so terrible?’
Viv’s eyes drop to the stumps of Amber’s hand. ‘It was just a moment of madness. But she blamed herself, drove herself crazy with it.’
Lumin shakes her head. ‘I – I don’t understand.’
‘I told you, remember?’ Gwyneth says gently. ‘Before you went to uni.’
‘Told her what? What are you talking about?’ Amber asks with a trembling voice.
‘You didn’t tell Amber?’ Gwyneth asks Viv and Rita.
‘Tell me what?’ Amber shouts again, getting unbearably frustrated.
Gwyneth looks at Amber. ‘I’m so sorry, Amber. I never really got the chance to say just how sorry I was. It’s my fault you lost your fingers.’
Chapter Thirty-Three
Gwyneth
Winterton Chine
24 December 2009
I felt the memories rush at me as I looked at my little cousin Amber. Not so little now but tall and beautiful and strong, a typical Caulfield woman. But despite this, I still remember her as the chubby-faced child I used to look after, running around our house and causing havoc. The constant pleas to ‘play, Gwenny, play!’ The heart-soaring love I felt for her too, despite how frustrated I grew at the constant requests for me to babysit for her. My aunt Rita was so busy with the gift shop, especially being a single mum and all. And my parents were determined I learnt that you had to earn your money. So I often found myself being called on to babysit three, even four evenings a week. When other kids my age enjoyed their summer evenings on the beach or at the local arcade, I would be stuck in looking after my little cousin.
And the truth was, Amber was hard work. People always said that about her. Like a puppy, such fun and so cute but also relentless. Still, you couldn’t help but love her. But I was a teenager, desperate for my own life.
On the first day of the Christmas holidays that fateful year, my parents announced they would be out of town Christmas shopping the next day.
‘Can I trust you to be alone in the house now you’re fourteen?’ my mother had asked me.
‘Yes, Mum,’ I’d replied, rolling my eyes and trying to appear casual when inside, my heart was thumping with excitement. I’d met a boy called Finn at the arcade. He’d just moved into the Chine and everyone was saying how cute he was. I’d been so giddy with happiness when he’d walked over to me and struck up a conversation. Each time I went to the arcade at the weekends, he’d make a beeline for me. We grew close, even sneaking a kiss at the back of the arcade on the last day of term. Now I knew my parents would be out all afternoon, I’d be able to invite him over.
But when I woke the next day and looked out of the window, the roads and paths were thick with snow. I was terrified my parents would cancel their shopping trip. But the main roads seemed fine and I was delighted when they confirmed they’d still go. As I waved them off, I felt a tingle of excitement in my tummy, and ran upstairs to get ready.
When the doorbell went, I panicked. Was Finn here early? I raced downstairs, raking my fingers through my hair, and flung the door open. But instead of Finn, my aunt Rita was standing at the door with Amber. ‘Sorry for the short notice, love, but I need you to look after Amber. There’s a whole coachload of tourists stuck in the Chine so it would be stupid not to open the gift shop.’
‘But – but I have homework to do!’ I’d whined.
‘That’s all right,’ Rita said, shoving Amber in. ‘Amber can watch the telly, can’t you, love?’ My aunt squashed her cold face next to mine, kissing me on the cheek. ‘You’re a godsend you know. Wait till you see the Christmas present I got you. Don’t let her out in the snow too long. They just said on the news temperatures are going to nosedive this afternoon.’ Then she ran down the path.
‘It’s not fair!’ I’d shouted at Amber after I slammed the door, stamping my feet. ‘You’ve ruined everything!’ Then I’d looked down at Amber’s little face. She looked so sad, sucking her thumb, her big blue eyes glistening with tears. I sighed and crouched down in front of her, putting my hands on her shoulders. ‘Don’t listen to silly Gwenny. We can build a snowman later, after you watch some telly.’
Amber’s eyes lit up. ‘Yay!’
As Amber settled down in front of the TV, I paced up and down, trying to figure out what to do. I had no idea where Finn lived nor did I have a number for him. We’d just agreed he’d come to the house at two.
I looked at Amber, who was happily watching some kids’ programme. Maybe if I exhausted her in the snow all morning, she’d nap in the afternoon? She did that sometimes. Once she’d even slept for four hours when I was looking after her, which was bliss!
‘Right,’ I said, clapping my hands. ‘Let’s go and get all our snow stuff ready. We’ll need a carrot too for the snowman.’
‘Snow lady!’ Amber said, jumping up in excitement.
‘Yep, snow lady,’ I replied, laughing.
We spent all morning playing in the snow and I actually enjoyed myself. Sometimes, it felt good to feel like a child instead of the teenager I was growing into. I suppose Amber brought that out in me, the innocence and sense of play, no angst and hormones. When we returned indoors, exhausted, we both lay on the sofa together and I remember singing to her quietly as I stroked her soft red hair. And even though she was messing up my plans, in that moment I’d never felt more love for my little cousin. Especially when I saw her eyelids start drooping, her small mouth twisting into a yawn. My plan had worked!
When I was sure Amber was asleep, I gently carried her upstairs and placed her in my bed. I waited for a few moments, fearing she would suddenly wake. But she didn’t. Instead, she sighed in contentment and curled up under my duvet, popping her thumb in her mouth.
I checked my watch. Just ten minutes until Finn would arrive. I peered out. The snow was starting to come down a bit more heavily, the skies so grey it almost looked dark outside. What if he didn’t make it? I crossed my fingers and hoped to die that he would. Then I checked my hair in the mirror, dotted some blusher on my cheeks and changed into a low-cut top I’d hidden from my mum beneath my bed. Then I ran downstairs, where I bit my nails and paced back and forth until I heard a knock on the door.
I checked the stairs. Still no sound from Amber. Then I went to the door and opened it to find Finn standing in the snow. He looked so handsome with his dark hair and blue eyes. ‘You going to let me in?’ he asked with a lopsided smile. ‘It’s freezing out here.’
‘Sorry!’ I said, opening the door wide. ‘Come in.’
He came in, shrugged his coat off and slipped out of his boots.
‘Drink?’ I asked, trying to sound airy and casual. ‘I made some hot chocolate.’
‘Got anything stronger?’ he asked.
I glanced up towards the room where my cousin was sleeping. One drink wouldn’t harm, would it? I’d only had a taste of champagne before. But it was time I grew up.
‘I can a
dd some Bailey’s to the hot chocolate?’ I suggested, something I’d seen my aunt and mum do.
He smiled. ‘Sounds good.’
Over the next hour, we talked. Then the talking turned into kisses and one shot of Bailey’s turned into two, three, four. By the time I was laid out on the sofa with Finn’s hand up my top, I was feeling so drunk, I couldn’t see straight. And while some small alarm bells started ringing, I liked it. I liked being in my house with a cute boy without having to run around after Amber or deal with my parents’ busy harassed orders. I liked having someone’s attention on me, proper attention. I liked just being me for a few hours. Soon to be fifteen-year-old Gwendolyn with a boyfriend. Because yes, surely he was a boyfriend now? He had his hand on my breast, after all.
‘Who’s that?’ a small, sleepy voice asked.
Finn shot off me, looking towards the doorway in horror.
‘Who’s that?’ he asked as he stared at the little girl blinking at them from the doorway.
‘Amber! What are you doing up?’ I said, pulling my top down and rushing over to my cousin. ‘Come on, let’s get you back to bed.’
‘I don’t want to sleep, I want to go out in the snow!’
‘Don’t be silly, come on,’ I said, trying to drag her towards the stairs. But she refused, pulling away from me and shaking her head.
‘Snow lady! I want to check on our snow lady!’
‘I didn’t know anyone was here,’ Finn said, straightening his top.
‘She usually sleeps all afternoon,’ I said.
‘Right. I think I’ll make a move …’
The Family Secret Page 29