The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen

by Rudolf Erich Raspe

  CHAPTER XXXI

  _A litigated contention between Don Quixote, Gog, Magog, &c.--A grandcourt assembled upon it--The appearance of the company--The matrons,judges, &c.--The method of writing, and the use of the fashionableamusement quizzes--Wauwau arrives from the country of Prester John, andleads the whole Assembly a wild-goose chase to the top of Plinlimmon,and thence to Virginia--The Baron meets a floating island in his voyageto America--Pursues Wauwau with his whole company through the deserts ofNorth America--His curious contrivance to seize Wauwau in a morass._

  The contention between Gog and Magog, and Sphinx, Hilaro Frosticos, theLord Whittington, &c., was productive of infinite litigation. All thelawyers in the kingdom were employed, to render the affair as complexand gloriously uncertain as possible; and, in fine, the whole nationbecame interested, and were divided on both sides of the question.Colossus took the part of Sphinx, and the affair was at length submittedto the decision of a grand council in a great hall, adorned with seatson every side in form of an amphitheatre. The assembly appeared the mostmagnificent and splendid in the world. A court or jury of one hundredmatrons occupied the principal and most honourable part of theamphitheatre; they were dressed in flowing robes of sky-blue velvetadorned with festoons of brilliants and diamond stars; grave andsedate-looking matrons, all in uniform, with spectacles upon theirnoses; and opposite to these were placed one hundred judges, with curlywhite wigs flowing down on each side of them to their very feet, so thatSolomon in all his glory was not so wise in appearance. At the ardentrequest of the whole empire I condescended to be the president of thecourt, and being arrayed accordingly, I took my seat beneath a canopyerected in the centre. Before every judge was placed a square inkstand,containing a gallon of ink, and pens of a proportionable size; and alsoright before him an enormous folio, so large as to serve for table andbook at the same time. But they did not make much use of their pens andink, except to blot and daub the paper; for, that they should be themore impartial, I had ordered that none but the blind should be honouredwith the employment: so that when they attempted to write anything, theyuniformly dipped their pens into the machine containing sand, and havingscrawled over a page as they thought, desiring them to dry it with sand,would spill half a gallon of ink upon the paper, and thereby daubingtheir fingers, would transfer the ink to their face whenever they leanedtheir cheek upon their hand for greater gravity. As to the matrons,to prevent an eternal prattle that would drown all manner ofintelligibility, I found it absolutely necessary to sew up their mouths;so that between the blind judges and the dumb matrons methought thetrial had a chance of being terminated sooner than it otherwise would.The matrons, instead of their tongues, had other instruments to conveytheir ideas: each of them had three quizzes, one quiz pendent from thestring that sewed up her mouth, and another quiz in either hand. Whenshe wished to express her negative, she darted and recoiled thequizzes in her right and left hand; and when she desired to express heraffirmative, she, nodding, made the quiz pendent from her mouth flowdown and recoil again. The trial proceeded in this manner for a longtime, to the admiration of the whole empire, when at length I thoughtproper to send to my old friend and ally, Prester John, entreating himto forward to me one of the species of wild and curious birds found inhis kingdom, called a Wauwau. This creature was brought over the greatbridge before mentioned, from the interior of Africa, by a balloon. Theballoon was placed upon the bridge, extending over the parapets on eachside, with great wings or oars to assist its velocity, and under theballoon was placed pendant a kind of boat, in which were the persons tomanage the steerage of the machine, and protect Wauwau. This oracularbird, arriving in England, instantly darted through one of the windowsof the great hall, and perched upon the canopy in the centre to theadmiration of all present. Her cackling appeared quite prophetic andoracular; and the first question proposed to her by the unanimousconsent of the matrons and judges was, Whether or not the moon wascomposed of green cheese? The solution of this question was deemedabsolutely necessary before they could proceed farther on the trial.

  Wauwau seemed in figure not very much differing from a swan, except thatthe neck was not near so long, and she stood after an admirable fashionlike to Vestris. She began cackling most sonorously, and the wholeassembly agreed that it was absolutely necessary to catch her, andhaving her in their immediate possession, nothing more would berequisite for the termination of this litigated affair. For this purposethe whole house rose up to catch her, and approached in tumult, thejudges brandishing their pens, and shaking their big wigs, and thematrons quizzing as much as possible in every direction, which verymuch startled Wauwau, who, clapping her wings, instantly flew out ofthe hall. The assembly began to proceed after her in order and styleof precedence, together with my whole train of Gog and Magog, Sphinx,Hilaro Frosticos, Queen Mab's chariot, the bulls and crickets, &c.,preceded by bands of music; while Wauwau, descending on the earth, ranon like an ostrich before the troop, cackling all the way. Thinkingsuddenly to catch this ferocious animal, the judges and matrons wouldsuddenly quicken their pace, but the creature would as quickly outrunthem, or sometimes fly away for many miles together, and then alight totake breath until we came within sight of her again. Our train journeyedover a most prodigious tract of country in a direct line, over hillsand dales, to the summit of Plinlimmon, where we thought to have seizedWauwau; but she instantly took flight, and never ceased until shearrived at the mouth of the Potomac river in Virginia.

  Our company immediately embarked in the machines before described, inwhich we had journeyed into Africa, and after a few days' sail arrivedin North America. We met with nothing curious on our voyage, except afloating island, containing some very delightful villages, inhabited bya few whites and negroes; the sugar cane did not thrive there well, onaccount, as I was informed, of the variety of the climates; the islandbeing sometimes driven up as far as the north pole, and at other timeswafted under the equinoctial. In pity to the poor islanders, I got ahuge stake of iron, and driving it through the centre of the island,fastened it to the rocks and mud at the bottom of the sea, since whichtime the island has become stationary, and is well known at present bythe name of St. Christopher's, and there is not an island in the worldmore secure.

  Arriving in North America, we were received by the President of theUnited States with every honour and politeness. He was pleased togive us all the information possible relative to the woods and immenseregions of America, and ordered troops of the different tribes of theEsquimaux to guide us through the forests in pursuit of Wauwau, who,we at length found, had taken refuge in the centre of a morass. Theinhabitants of the country, who loved hunting, were much delighted tobehold the manner in which we attempted to seize upon Wauwau; the chasewas noble and uncommon. I determined to surround the animal on everyside, and for this purpose ordered the judges and matrons to surroundthe morass with nets extending a mile in height, on various parts ofwhich net the company disposed themselves, floating in the air like somany spiders upon their cobwebs. Magog, at my command, put on a kind ofarmour that he had carried with him for the purpose, corselet ofsteel, with gauntlets, helmet, &c., so as nearly to resemble a mole.He instantly plunged into the earth, making way with his sharp steelhead-piece, and tearing up the ground with his iron claws, and found notmuch difficulty therein, as morass in general is of a soft and yieldingtexture. Thus he hoped to undermine Wauwau, and suddenly rising, seizeher by the foot, while his brother Gog ascended the air in a balloon,hoping to catch her if she could escape Magog. Thus the animal wassurrounded on every side, and at first was very much terrified, knowingnot which way she had best to go. At length hearing an obscure noiseunder ground, Wauwau took flight before Magog could have time to catchher by the foot. She flew to the right, then to the left, north, east,west, and south, but found on every side the company prepared upon theirnets. At length she flew right up, soaring at a most astonishing ratetowards the sun, while the company on every side set up one generalacclamation. But Gog in his balloon soon stopped Wauwa
u in the midst ofher career, and snared her in a net, the cords of which he continued tohold in his hand. Wauwau did not totally lose her presence of mind, butafter a little consideration, made several violent darts against thevolume of the balloon; so fierce, as at length to tear open a greatspace, on which the inflammable air rushing out, the whole apparatusbegan to tumble to the earth with amazing rapidity. Gog himself wasthrown out of the vehicle, and letting go the reins of the net, Wauwaugot liberty again, and flew out of sight in an instant.

  Gog had been above a mile elevated from the earth when he began to fall,and as he advanced the rapidity increased, so that he went like a ballfrom a cannon into the morass, and his nose striking against one ofthe iron-capped hands of his brother Magog, just then rising from thedepths, he began to bleed violently, and, but for the softness of themorass, would have lost his life.