by A. J. Wynter
I saw my cab roll up to the corner, and I took a deep breath.
“I’ll see you around, Sabryna,” Logan said, and walked back into the building.
I slid into the backseat of the taxi, feeling numb, letting everyone’s words from the evening wash over me. My head was aching—from the alcohol or from all I had to think about, I didn’t really know. I leaned my head against the cold window and watched the snow fall, ready to go back to my apartment, curl up in bed, and be away from the world.
ABOUT FIVE MINUTES after I had stumbled through the door and crashed on the couch, Eliza came in the door.
“Sabryna!” she said, running over. “Oh my god.”
“What?” I said. I had halfway fallen asleep. “You left the party early? But you love the Torver Christmas Party! And Cassidy—"
“Honey, don’t worry about it,” Eliza said. “Logan came running upstairs and told me that you had gone home, drunk and upset. He thought I should go check on you. He would have gone himself, but he said it didn’t sound like you were on very good terms with him at the moment.”
“Oh, thanks,” I said, leaning back against the cushion again.
“I’m gonna make you some tea,” Eliza said. “And then you can tell me what happened.”
I wrapped my fuzzy blanket tight around myself and burrowed as far as I could into the couch. I was going to have a hell of a hangover in the morning.
I turned on the TV and started flipping through the channels. It was already the time of the month where it was all Christmas movies, all of the time. I stared absentmindedly at all of the scenes I flipped through, feeling numb. Families around the tree together, kisses in the snow, carols as happily ever afters came to fruition. And here I was, drunk and alone on the couch.
Eliza burrowed herself under the blanket with me and handed me a steaming cup of chamomile tea. “Okay,” she said. “Do you want to talk about it now, or in the morning?”
“In the morning, I think,” I said, and hugged Eliza.
Sure, maybe my life wasn’t a hallmark channel movie, but at least I would always have Eliza, and that was something.
Chapter Eight
Two days later, my phone lit up on my nightstand, and I stared at it in horror.
It was a text from Adam.
It was a long text, one of those ones that stretches over the character limit and splits itself into a dozen smaller messages that send all out of order. The gist of it, however, was “I’m sorry, I was a dick, let’s meet up for a drink.”
Shit.
I’m not sure why I agreed. Maybe it was because of what happened at work today.
I had shown up at Torver at the usual time. Everything had gone back to normal since the party, and all of the furniture was magically back in place, not an inch away from where it was before. The only evidence of the party were the stacks of leftover fancy food piled up in the breakroom fridge—which thanks to Cassidy, would probably be gone by tomorrow.
Logan usually kept his office door cracked open, but today it was shut tight, and I figured he didn’t want to be interrupted. I emailed him his assignments and he sent them back completed. I didn’t catch a glimpse of him the entire day.
After work, I texted Adam back and walked over to the bar down the street from my apartment where I had agreed to meet him. I was still in my work clothes—I didn’t want to give Adam the impression that I was dressing up for him. I was still super pissed at him about the Nate comment—granted, he probably hadn’t known about the accident, but the pain of his words still stung. I would always defend Nate, even in death, even if I ever moved on. He was a good guy, and he was still important to me. He always would be.
I entered the restaurant and walked over to the bar, which was still quite empty at six o’clock—just filled with a smattering of people getting drinks after a long Monday at work. I saw Adam at the far corner of the bar, a beer in one hand.
“Hi,” I said, my tone not exactly warm. I ordered a martini the second I sat down. I had a feeling I was going to need it.
“I hope you’re doing okay after the party,” Adam said. “I wanted to apologize for how I acted...and especially for what I said about Nate. I didn’t know that he had passed away, and I’m sorry. That must have been horrible for you.”
I looked at Adam blankly, as if to say, well no shit. There was another apology he needed to issue, and he knew it too.
“And I’m also sorry for what I said about Logan. But you understand why I have my reservations about him, correct?”
“Mhm,” I mumbled, one-hundred percent done with his nonsense already. I was already regretting showing up.
The bartender slid my martini over and I thanked him. Like I said, I had the feeling I was really going to need it.
“That looks good,” Adam said, and turned towards the bartender. “I’d like one of those too, with no olives.” He was yelling over someone else who was in the middle of giving their order. He never knew how to wait his turn.
The thing that really bothered me, however, was that I knew for a fact that Adam was not big on martinis. This was one of his stupid business psychology tactics. I remember all of the books he used to have all over his dorm room, things about how to negotiate with people and how to get in their good graces. Some of those strategies were mirroring someone’s movements, ordering the same drinks and food as them, and agreeing with all of their ideas. He was an idiot if he thought that was going to work on me, the girl who had picked all of those books off of the floor of his dorm and put them away for him.
“Anyway,” Adam asked. “Have you considered my offer? About coming to work at Galaxy Goddess?”
I froze in my seat. The truth was, I had. But it wasn’t because of the position, or the pay, or what it would do for my career.
It was so I could date Logan. The thought had crossed my mind.
“A little bit,” I admitted, sipping on my martini. The second I put it down, the bartender slid Adam’s martini over to him, which was garnished with three olives, as mine had been.
Adam made a face at his martini and yelled out for the bartender, who was on the other side of the bar, cleaning up a spill. “Hey!” Adam yelled, and the bartender rushed over.
“I asked for no olives,” Adam said, making a face at the bartender, who looked barely old enough to drink himself. “If you can’t remember people’s orders, maybe you should think about finding another job.” He slid his martini back over and scoffed.
“There’s no need to be so rude, Adam,” I scolded him under my breath. “He’s just trying his best. You could have let that go.”
“No,” Adam said. “If I pay for something, I want it done right, and I deserve to have it done right.” He slammed his finger down on the table.
“There was no reason to be that rude to him,” I said. “You could have asked him to change your drink in a politer way.”
Adam groaned with annoyance. “I don’t get why it’s so hard for someone to remember a drink order. It’s not rocket science.”
I was starting to get angry. “Well, frankly, Adam, you’ve never held any kind of customer service job. You have no idea how hard it is to be on your feet all day, cleaning up other people’s messes and serving them food for minimum wage. And having to deal with –" I bit my tongue.
“Having to deal with what?” Adam asked.
“Having to deal with assholes like you,” I said, slamming my glass down on the table, and walked out of the restaurant.
Well, it looked like I was definitely staying on at Torver now.
Chapter Nine
The next day at work was more of the same. Logan was keeping his door shut. We ran into each other once, exchanged terse greetings, and that was it. There was pain in his eyes, and it was hard to look at him without getting upset.
At least Adam was gone. He hadn’t texted me, and I figured that he had realized that I wasn’t going to have anything to do with him, ever again—personally or professionally. Being away
from Adam for all of those years had made me nostalgic, and had made me miss all of the good times we had back when we were kids, but it had made me forget so much else. Adam was a snob, and he was mean. He would put his money and his reputation above everyone and everything else—his friends, his girlfriend, his family—and that wasn’t the kind of man I wanted in my life. Knowing that he was probably gone for good now left me feeling refreshed. At least that was one thing I knew I had off my plate now...one less thing to worry about.
At two o’clock, I started getting sleepy, and wandered over to the break room, ready to get myself a cup of coffee. I would need it if I was going to get these emails done in time. Just as I was about to reach in the fridge to get the cream, the door creaked open, and Logan walked in.
“Hey,” he said quietly, going into the fridge to get a snack he must have packed from earlier. “How are you doing?”
“I’m fine,” I said. “It’s okay, Logan. I’m not...I’m not mad at you.”
“I’m not mad at you either,” Logan said. “It’s just...”
“Awkward?”
“Yeah.”
We both froze in front of the coffee machine, wondering if there was anything left to say. His eyes looked tired, as if he hadn’t slept well for a few days.
“Look Sabryna,” Logan said. “Even if nothing happens with us...in that way, it’s still important to me that you’re not scared to love. At the end of the day, you’re my friend, too, and I don’t want to see you holding yourself back from things that could make you really happy.”
I nodded, looking down at the ground. “Thanks, Logan,” I said, and I really did mean it.
I watched Logan go back into his office, a sad smile on his face, and my heart felt heavier than ever.
I GOT HOME AT SIX, feeling weary and numb from the day. It had been an emotionally rough one, and one without that much work to actually do, which left me with nothing to do but wallow in my feelings while I took quizzes on my phone.
I made a TV dinner in the microwave and stared at it groggily as it moved around in slow circles. My brain had been stuck in a thick haze ever since I woke up this morning, and I was ready to sit in front of some Seinfeld reruns and let it shut itself off completely.
Just as I was sitting down to my microwave chicken Tikka Masala, I heard the sound of Eliza’s keys in the door. “Hey,” she said. “You look dead.”
“Thanks,” I said, rolling my eyes at her.
“But actually, though,” Eliza said, plopping down on the couch next to me. “You’ve been Sabryna the walking zombie since you left for work this morning.”
“I didn’t sleep well,” I lied.
“This is about Logan, isn’t it? Or Adam?”
“No,” I said, and this time, I was telling the truth. “It’s not about either of them.”
“Well, what then?”
“It’s about Nate,” I said.
Eliza froze, and then wrapped me up in a hug. “Really?”
“Yeah,” I said, preemptively grabbing a tissue. “Before, I thought maybe it wasn’t, but now I’m thinking maybe it is.” Eliza stared at me compassionately, waiting for me to begin.
“Logan said some things on Saturday,” I started, “Which made me realize that maybe I’ve been closing myself off to love. I mean, I’ve had two big relationships in my life, and they both ended in the worst ways possible. With Adam, he promised me everything and then broke my trust in the worst way—I mean, you remember how devastated I was after I found him on the couch with Cristina. And with Nate, well...with Nate I thought he was the one, that my search was over. He became my everything, and then he was gone.”
Eliza pulled me in tighter, and I started to feel the tears begin to fall.
I took a deep breath. “I think I’m scared to fall in love again,” I said. “For ages, I made excuses not to date, not to look, but now, even when there’s a perfect man right in front of me, I’m finding all of these reasons not to let myself love him. I’m pushing him away, and I don’t know how to stop.”
I leaned my head on Eliza’s shoulder and began to cry, and it felt like I had been holding in the tears all day.
“Sabryna,” Eliza said. “I knew Nate too, remember? And he would’ve wanted you to be happy. Even if it wasn’t with him.”
“I guess.”
“Remember, one of the reasons you left Adam for Nate was because Adam was holding you back—he didn’t want you to go study in London, to have a career, while Nate supported you all the way. He’s the last person who would want to see you give something good up,” Eliza said.
“That’s true,” I muttered, leaning back on the couch.
“You should take this chance with Logan,” Eliza said. “Not in spite of Nate, but because of him.”
Eliza gave me one last hug, and then went off to make her own dinner in the kitchen. I laid down on the couch, thinking over her words...as usual, she was probably right.
I let myself think about Nate for a second—let myself go into that region of my heart that had always been too painful for me to touch—and thought about what he would think about all of this. He would like Logan, I realized...they could have been friends. And Logan was good for me. Nate was never selfish—he would have wanted someone to take care of me when he couldn’t.
Logan was worth the risk.
And he was worth giving something else up for, too.
Chapter Ten
I put on my favorite work outfit—a maroon blazer and black pants—and rushed to work in a hurry. I wasn’t sure why I was rushing, considering what I was about to do...maybe it was more about talking myself into doing something potentially crazy before the urge up and left me than anything else.
I pressed the up button on the elevator, as I did every morning, but this time I was wondering if it would be the last time I would ever do it. Was I being stupid? Was having Logan really worth what I was about to do?
The elevator doors opened. It was time to hand in my resignation.
I scurried into the office, past the usual scenes of morning work beginning, and went to Johnathan Torver’s office at the end of the hall. It was now or never.
“Johnathan!” I practically yelled, pushing the door open, only to find Logan sitting in the chair in front of him. We all looked at each other, mortified.
“Sabryna?” Johnathan asked. “Is there a problem?”
“Oh,” I said, panicking as I rethought my game plan. “Um, you know, I think I’ll just talk to you later.”
“What is this about?” Johnathan asked.
Shit.
“I, um...I was about to turn in my resignation,” I said.
“What!?” Johnathan exclaimed. “Both of you?”
Logan and I turned to each other, realization dawning on both of us.
“...Were you?” Logan asked, and I nodded. “Me too,” he said. We stared at each other for a little too long, both enraptured by the feeling of something enormous starting to begin.
“Um,” Johnathan asked, reminding us of his presence. “Is there something I should know?”
Logan blushed a deep red.
“Oh my god,” Johnathan said, grinning and shaking his head. “Oh my god.”
“Shut up!” I practically yelled at Johnathan as he burst into laughter.
“Unbelievable!” he yelled. “And did you both plan this, or did you just both happen to decide on this on the same morning?”
Logan and I looked at each other cautiously, and Johnathan burst into laughter again.
“You two are ridiculous,” he said. “I suppose Logan is too new here to know, and Sabryna is too professional and modest, but you guys know that nobody here gives a damn if you two are involved, right? I mean, you wouldn’t want to know the things Samantha and I have done on this desk.”
Logan and I still just stared at him blankly.
“I mean, that is what this is about, right?” Johnathan asked.
I took a deep breath, and Logan nodded. “Yes,�
�� I said.
“And otherwise, you’re both very happy to keep your jobs?”
“Yes,” Logan and I both said in unison.
“Well thank god for that,” Johnathan said, spinning around in his office chair. “There’s no way I can do all of this work by myself.”
I took a shuddering breath of relief as Logan and I looked at each other with soft smiles. We all froze, unsure of what to do or say next.
“You guys should take the day off,” Johnathan said.
“What?” said Logan and I at the same time.
“Yeah,” said Johnathan. “It’s nearly Christmas, there’s not much work for me to give you anyways, and to be honest, I want to reward you for being so adorable that you didn’t think you could date each other in front of me.”
Logan gave a deep sigh of embarrassment.
“I’m serious!” Johnathan said. “Go get presents, buy a Christmas tree, go to the mall to see Santa, I don’t know...whatever it is people do for Christmas. Go be cute together.”
Logan and I looked at each other bashfully.
“Go!” Johnathan said, getting ready to get up and push us out the door himself. He winked at me on the way out. He was always going to have my back, and I was always going to have his.
Logan and I walked out into the hallway and into the elevator in silence. The doors closed shut with a soft click.
And then he kissed me.
Logan cradled my face in his hands and pressed his lips to mine as we slowly backed into the wall. I wrapped my arms around his neck, so happy to be lost in him again, to feel him close to me in the way I had craved ever since I broke apart from him in the limo that night. He was mine, and I was his.
And I was ready to be truly happy.
“I’m sorry,” Logan said. “For everything, I—"
“No, no,” I said, holding onto his hand. “I’m sorry, I—"
We looked at each other and laughed.
“I’m done waiting,” I told Logan, leaning into his chest. “I’m ready to fall in love again.”