by Tina T. Kove
I stared up at the ceiling, shocked.
Then my stomach roiled, and I jumped out of bed, barely making it to the toilet in time to throw up.
I slumped on the warm tiles after I stopped spewing. They felt nice against my naked, chilled body. The warmth from sleep had left me the minute he’d left. Now I just felt cold all over.
‘I don’t want to never see you again, Tarjei,’ I whispered. I splayed a hand over my ribs. They ached something fierce. But so did my insides. It felt like something was lodged in my chest.
I didn’t want to never see him again. I never wanted that. But I didn’t want him. Not the way he wanted me. So this was easier.
Who said I didn’t want him though? I did! I just wasn’t in love with him.
Maybe I would be if I let yourself, a treacherous voice suddenly whispered in my head.
‘Oh, shut up!’
I got slowly and painfully to my feet. Got dressed. Didn’t bother with anything else. I found the key, locked his door, and left it under the doormat as he’d instructed. Then I went home, where I got into bed—and never wanted to get out.
I did get out, but only because of dinner. My stomach had been screaming for food for hours, and when Thomas called down the stairs, I did go and brush my teeth and comb my hair.
I had to look a little bit presentable for them, so they wouldn’t think I was losing it completely.
Even though I was.
And they could see it, because dinner was a quiet affair. A lot quieter than usual. I was the one who tended to chatter, after all, and I sat in sullen silence, pushing food around my plate.
Maria and Alex sat opposite me, Andreas besides me, and Thomas at the head of the table. Andreas and Alex had come home last night, but I hadn’t spoken to them. I’d been cooped up in my room, heard them come home, then I’d had my chat with Nik… and gone out drinking.
No one brought up the fact I hadn’t been to school either. Maybe they didn’t know? It wasn’t like I had any classes with any of them.
My stomach protested when I did get some food in me, making me all nauseated.
‘I’m sorry.’ I pushed my plate away and headed back downstairs again. I did not want to lean over the toilet retching again, so better not to eat anything at all until it passed.
My bed had already gone cold by the time I lay back down.
‘Dammit.’ I pulled the covers around me, huddled under them, and waited for my body heat to spread.
‘Ben?’ A knock came on my door.
‘What?’ What was the point in knocking when he’d already spoken to announce his arrival?
The door cracked open and Thomas came in. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘What isn’t?’ Everything was wrong in my life. I wasn’t happy about anything.
He sat on the edge of my bed. Silence stretched between us.
Part of me felt grateful to have people around me who cared, but another part just wanted him to go the fuck away. I wanted to be miserable alone.
‘I don’t think I can feel much worse than I do right now.’ I couldn’t remember ever being so bad. Feeling so lost and hopeless and miserable. I had to reach the ground of the black hole I was pummelling down soon. Hitting ground would not be a nice experience.
‘Did you call your GP today?’
Well, fuck. I’d forgotten all about that.
‘No,’ I admitted in a low voice. ‘I forgot.’
He sighed. ‘You call first in the morning.’ He said that in his stern voice. ‘You need a referral. New meds. The ones you’re on now clearly aren’t working anymore.’
Fucking medication. How dared it stop working? It was there to help me, not fuck me up even more.
‘I’m tired.’ So fucking tired of life. ‘Mind if I take a nap?’ Subtle speech for please go away.
He stood, expression worried as he gazed down at me.
I turned away, unable to face the worry.
‘Sleep tight, Ben.’ He shut the door softly after himself.
I wished I could sleep tight. I wished I never had to wake up again.
Tarjei was probably going to kill me.
Because I went out drinking again. To the same damn bar I’d been the night before. I got smashed, couldn’t remember shit—and found myself pressing Tarjei’s doorbell again.
‘Bloody hell, Ben.’ He didn’t seem as welcoming today. Tonight. Whatever it was. ‘There’s no sex to be had here, okay? I’ve got work in the morning. I need to sleep.’
‘I’m not here for that. Sex.’ I waved my hand frantically. ‘Just let me in.’
‘No.’ He positioned himself so I had no chance to slip past him.
‘Oh, come on.’ I stumbled forward, grabbed his crotch, and looked up at him through my fringe. ‘You know you want it.’
‘Ben, stop.’ He pushed my hand away. ‘I told you I can’t be your friend. That means I can’t be your anything. No relationship, no sex. I’ve drawn the line. You drew the fucking line when you said you didn’t want me. So stop this.’
‘But I do want you.’ I had to lean against the wall for support.
‘You want sex. You’re not getting it here.’ Tarjei stepped back and tried to close the door.
‘Tarjei, please—’ I, as stealthily as I could on my unsteady legs, stuck a foot out to block it.
‘Ben, just—just leave it!’ He pushed on the door. It made my foot hurt. ‘Let me go back to sleep. Some of us actually have a job to go to!’
I drew up indignantly. ‘What the hell does that mean? I’ve got school.’
‘I’m tired, Ben.’ He ran a hand over his face. ‘I need to sleep a couple more hours, okay? So I can function at work. I’m also tired of you.’
That hit me straight in the chest. ‘What’ve I ever done?’
‘What haven’t you done?’ He breathed out heavily. ‘You only show up for sex. You’re not interested in anything else. But I am. And I’m tired of saying yes to you. I’m learning to say no. And if I can’t have you the way I want, then I don’t want you around at all.’
I stumbled backwards.
‘Go home, Ben,’ he said tiredly. ‘Just go the fuck home.’ And he shut and locked the door.
I felt like I’d been hit with a sledgehammer. Not that I knew what that felt like, but I could imagine.
My eyes blurred as I stumbled out on the street.
Tarjei lived in the middle of downtown, and as the bars had just closed, people were still milling around. Some getting into taxis, some walking away, some standing in groups.
I didn’t want to be anywhere near people, so I tried slipping away around the corner, into a side-street. But people were there too.
I headed back down, towards the pier. Towards where I hadn’t been since that night. And right there, standing with a gang of other guys, was fucking Marcus. I stuttered to a halt just as he turned his head to glare at me.
My heart beat a mile a minute. Not Marcus. Not with his fucking friends. It was probably two of them who’d helped him hurt Alex. I had no idea which ones though.
Marcus’s eyes narrowed further—and then he broke away from his friend to come towards me.
I tripped over backwards, landing with a painful grunt on my knee. My palm scraped against asphalt.
Stay away from me, you fucking psycho! I wanted to shout it, but I couldn’t speak the words aloud. Last time I’d had no trouble goading him, but last time I’d wanted him to hit me. Now I didn’t. I’d do anything not to let him get his hands on me ever again.
‘Hey, Ben, come here. I’ve got you.’ Strong arms wrapped around my chest, pulling me back up. I fought wildly against it. ‘Ben! It’s me!’
For a minute there I thought it was Tarjei—that he’d come out after me, after all. That he still looked after me, that he’d do anything for me.
But it wasn’t.
It was only Jo.
‘Get away from me!’ I hit his shoulder. Not that it did any good. Jo worked out. A lot, according to those mus
cles. A skinny, scrawny guy like me didn’t stand a chance.
My sight blurred further, to the point I could hardly see him through my tears.
‘He doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.’ I slumped forwards, against Jo’s shoulder. ‘I didn’t want him, and he told me we couldn’t see each other, but I do! I do want him. I don’t want to lose him. He’s the only one I’ve got left.’
‘You’re not making any sense.’ Jo’s strong arms were tight around me. ‘Come on, let’s get you home.’
‘No!’ I started fighting against him again. I didn’t want to go home!
‘You’re coming home with me.’ He steered me around, away from Marcus who’d stopped a good distance away. He didn’t dare approach me with Jo around, it seemed.
‘Fuck if I am!’ I wanted that even less!
‘Oh, you are.’
I stopped fighting. My body hurt, my head ached, my insides burned. I couldn’t fight him anyway, he was too strong. And I was too drunk.
Tarjei wouldn’t let me in… so I might as well go lick my wounds in their flat. At least they cared if I lived or died.
Friday, April 26th
I woke to the knowledge I’d done something stupid. Again. I didn’t know what exactly, but I saw flashes of the club and of Tarjei. Us in a toilet stall, or something. My arm draped over his shoulder and cold air.
Had he brought me home last night?
I had obviously been out drinking again. That made every night this week, didn’t it? I certainly had a problem. And I had no idea how to stop it.
What had happened last night though? Was it all just in my imagination that I’d met Tarjei? Had it been a dream? Or had it been for real? Had I… sucked him off? I remembered someone’s dick in my mouth. It had to be him.
I rubbed my hands over my face and sat up slowly. The pain was there as usual.
My phone was dark and silent. No notifications.
If I had met Tarjei last night, and if I had sucked him off, shouldn’t he have contacted me? He was the one who’d pushed me away. I couldn’t contact him.
My mind was a mess. I couldn’t remember shit. For all I knew, everything I thought I remembered about Tarjei could just as well have been a dream. A stupid dream, at that. Why would I dream of sucking him off?
Because sex with him was amazing, most likely.
But sex with Tarjei was over. He wanted more than I could give. Fuck him for that.
‘Letter for you.’ Thomas turned from the kitchen counter as I shuffled into the kitchen. He handed me a plain, white envelope.
I frowned down at my name and address, then spotted the logo on top.
‘I think it’s about the referral.’ I ripped the envelope open and took the folded sheet of paper out. That was quick. Why the hell had they answered already?
‘What does it say?’ Thomas’s focus moved from his own stack of envelopes to me.
Scanning the lines on the sheet, I breathed out. ‘I get an appointment with the chief physician.’
‘That’s good, Ben.’ Thomas came over to stand next to me, squeezing my shoulder. He looked down at the paper. ‘She’s nice, and very good at her job. She’ll figure out your medication, and she’ll get you into therapy if she feels you need that.’
Damn therapy. What more could I have to say? I’d been in therapy for years. It was only the last year I hadn’t been. I hadn’t needed to. Except now I did again. It was all so unfair.
‘Hey, you okay?’ Thomas studied me worriedly.
‘Yeah.’ I waved him away before putting the sheet of paper into the envelope again. ‘The appointment’s in two weeks. That went quick.’
‘That first appointment is to figure out if you do need more help.’
‘I know, I know,’ I grumbled. ‘I’ve been through it before.’
Alex had to wait weeks for his letter though, and here I’d gotten mine in two days. I’d been to see my GP on Wednesday, she’d written me a leave of absence for the rest of the week, and sent in the referral.
‘I’m heading back down to bed.’ I gripped the paper tightly.
‘Don’t you want some breakfast?’ Thomas’s gaze turned worried.
‘Not hungry.’ If I ate, I would spew. I wished I could stop drinking just because the hangovers were so horrible… but drinking drowned out everything I didn’t want to feel, so I wasn’t going to stop.
I chucked the letter on my desk once I was in my room again. Two weeks was ages till, so I didn’t have to think about it for now.
The sofa was soft and nice as I lowered myself on it.
My phone vibrated on the table. I stared at it for a long minute, debating whether I could be arsed to check it or not now I was lying down.
I could. I was curious who it was. If it was Tarjei saying something about last night.
It wasn’t Tarjei.
It was Nik.
Nik: How are U?
How great of him to remember me. I hadn’t heard from him since our chat on Skype. As to how I was…
Me: Okay.
Did that sound dismissive? Just one word without a smiley or anything? But I was dismissive. I didn’t want to have a conversation by text message. I certainly didn’t want to have it with him.
Nik… My best friend. Whom I’d been in love with for so many years.
I didn’t want to be in love with him. And maybe I wasn’t anymore. I didn’t feel elated just from getting a text from him now. I would’ve been before. But if I wasn’t in love with him then what was I?
My phone vibrated again.
Nik: U and T made up?
I stared at that question until the screen shut itself off.
Me: We’re not together. Not friends. Nothing.
That was true, right?
Besides the fact I might have blown him last night. And… he had done me, right? Except I’d been too drunk to come. That was mortifying.
Damn, what a fucked up dream if all that was what it was.
Nik: :(
I didn’t know what to reply to that one.
He sent another text with a crying face.
I didn’t know what to reply to that one either. I felt heavy, resigned, still miserable. I went to shut my phone off, but my thumb pressed on the album app instead. I had lots of photos on my phone, most of them older. I hadn’t taken new ones in ages.
There were lots of photos with Nik, Nik and me, our shenanigans together. Photos from parties we were at together. And there were lots of photos of Tarjei.
Once upon a time, a couple years ago now, if not longer, we’d gotten into the habit of sending each other dick pics whenever we were horny.
I didn’t know why I kept them on my phone. It would be mortifying if Thomas, or anyone else, ever got a look at them. But there they were, those pictures. Tarjei’s dick.
Fucking hell, but I missed it.
So did my dick.
I pulled my joggers—well, they were his joggers, really—down and let my hard-on slap free. I spit in my hand, then wrapped that hand around it, stroking lazily.
On my phone I switched to another of his dick pics. He had such a nice cock. All straight and long, with a plump mushroom head that I loved to suck on. I knew exactly how to suck his dick to make him come fast, make him come hard, and how to drag it out endlessly.
I switched photos again— except this wasn’t a photo. This was a video. Of Tarjei having a wank. I must have sent a video like this first. He wasn’t in the habit of initiating these kinds of things. That was all me.
But bloody hell was it hot.
Pre-come already leaked from my slit. My cockhead was pink and straining.
The video ended and I switched to the next picture. It was a picture of Tarjei, on his bed, all naked and well-fucked. I knew that, because I knew exactly how he looked when he was all fucked up. The spunk on his stomach and the shiny, limp dick helped too.
My balls drew up, ready to shoot.
‘Oh, fuck!’ I sped up, chasing the orgasm
that really wanted to erupt.
My door opened.
‘Hey, Ben?’
‘Shit!’ I sat up, too quickly for my ribs to handle well. At least it worked, because while it left me bent over in pain, at least I bent over so I hid my hard-on from view. ‘No one taught you how to knock?’
It was Jo. He stood by the door, looking at me all calmly. Surely he had to know exactly what he caught me in the middle of, that fucking dick!
Once the pain subsided to a dull throb I pulled the joggers back up. Not that it helped, because my dick was hard and ready and made a fucking tent in them.
Jo’s eyebrows rose, and a small, amused smile played on his lips.
‘What do you want?’ I glowered at him.
‘I wanted to take you out for a late lunch, but if you’re busy…?’
I was very busy before he showed up and fucked it all up, yeah.
‘I can wait upstairs while you finish.’ He motioned at the ceiling. ‘If that wank is so important.’
‘Oh, fuck off.’ I glowered some more. I’d lost the mood to finish myself off. Not that my dick had understood that yet where it strained inside the baggy joggers.
Tarjei’s baggy joggers.
I should probably give them back to him. Except no. I liked them. Besides, he had clothes that belonged to me that he hadn’t returned. Not that he could get into my skinny jeans, but still…
Jo chuckled. ‘So about that lunch?’
‘Why are you trying to babysit me?’ I groaned. ‘I don’t need that. I’m fine.’
‘Sure you are.’ He didn’t sound like he believed me for a second. ‘I want to help you. I know what depression is like. I have a lot of those episodes too.’
‘At least you have mania to make you feel better once in a while,’ I muttered.
‘Trust me, that does more harm than good most days.’ He came closer, braced his hands against the back of the sofa.
As if I didn’t know that. I’d been here when he beat that guy half to death for… something to do with Jørgen. I couldn’t even remember what, just that the police had been involved.