by Tina T. Kove
‘What?’ I bit down on my lower lip. That was Alex’s nervous habit, but it seemed I’d adopted it now. Maybe it was a nervous habit in general, but it was new to me because I wasn’t usually nervous. I was anxious and depressed, yes, but nervous? That was a new one.
‘You’re acting all weird.’ He motioned vaguely at me. ‘So what’s going on? Are you all right?’
‘I’m fine.’ I couldn’t look at him though.
‘Yeah, you sure look it.’ He didn’t buy it for a second. I wouldn’t have either.
‘I don’t know what to do, okay?’ I finally admitted. ‘You’re the one who said you wanted more than sex. I’m trying here. I brought a film, we watched it together. I don’t know what more you want.’
‘That’s… all I want, Ben.’ The fight went out of him.
So he’d been thinking I was up to something this whole time. That was just great.
‘So I go home now? After the end-credits scenes anyway.’ Not in it for the sex meant no sex tonight, was that it? With him so damn suspicious of my motives, I reckoned so.
He scooted closer. ‘Just because I said I wanted more than sex doesn’t mean I don’t want the sex.’ He grabbed my hand. ‘Because I love sex.’
That was certainly good news to my ears.
‘How’re your ribs?’
‘Don’t really feel them right now.’ My mind was busy with other things. Like imagining the sex we were about to have. I pulled my hand out of his and instead cupped his dick. He was still soft, but that would change in a minute.
The credits ended to give us the last scene, but I couldn’t keep my focus on it. Tarjei was cupping my dick now too and when the scene was over, he squeezed.
I gasped.
‘Come on, Ben, let’s go to bed.’ He rose and pulled on my hand.
‘Not to sleep, I hope?’ I followed him willingly into the bedroom.
‘Do you really think I want to go to sleep right now?’ He laughed.
‘Good.’ That was very good news indeed. ‘Because neither do I.’
We kissed and undressed each other, throwing our clothes haphazardly to the floor. When we were naked, he braced on his hands and knees on the bad, and I knelt behind him, fucking him just the way I knew he liked it.
This I was good at. Sex didn’t make me nervous. Especially not sex with him since I knew exactly what he liked and what got him off.
Tonight I dragged it out though. Because I knew how to do that too. How to keep him on the edge, but not let him jump over it.
‘Careful,’ I warned as he bucked impatiently against me. ‘My ribs really hurt.’ That stopped him from moving. It was partly true. They did ache, but they didn’t hurt so much it overtook the pleasure I was currently feeling with his arse around my dick.
‘I could ride you.’ He glanced over one freckled shoulder.
‘Don’t think that’s gonna help any.’ I watched my dick as it pulled back until only the head was still inside him. Then I thrust back in, a little quicker.
A moan escaped Tarjei as he dropped his head on the bed. His fingers curled around the sheets.
‘I love your dick in me.’ That came out all strangled and with a groan.
‘I love when you talk like that.’ Who didn’t love hearing their sexual partner enjoy the sex you were having? That we knew each other so well sexually worked wonders for me now as I kept up a rhythm. Not too slow, not too fast, just the perfect pace to keep us both on the edge.
Moans left him as he rocked with my movements.
I held onto his hips, keeping him steady. Keeping myself steady, for that matter. His arse was tight around my cock and I desperately wanted to come, but I also wanted to drag it out a little. That was different than normal too since we usually just chased our orgasms as quickly as we could.
I had to show him I could do more than sex. Even though we were having sex right now, it wasn’t like we usually had it.
That counted for something, right?
Sunday, April 28th
‘We should do something,’ Tarjei said lightly. ‘Besides sex.’
‘What else is there to do?’ I glanced disinterestedly up at him from where I was lounging on the sofa.
‘Loads.’ He couldn’t seem to think of anything in particular though. ‘We could go out. To eat. Or go to the cinema.’
‘There are no good movies out now.’ I wasn’t spending money on shit movies.
He sighed.
‘What the hell crawled up your arse?’ I glowered at him, annoyed.
‘We’re not any different than before.’ He stared back. ‘You show up when you’re in the mood for sex and we shag. Then you leave. We never do anything together.’
‘What do you want to do then?’ It was my turn to sigh. It was a very annoyed sigh though.
He shrugged almost helplessly.
‘Mum asked me over for dinner tonight. How about you come too?’
‘Dinner with your parents?’ Was he daft? ‘No thanks.’
‘Ben—’
‘You never come over to dinner at my place either.’ Not that I wanted him over at my place. But I just put it out there.
‘I would if you asked me to.’
‘No way.’ I grimaced. Why was he so bloody nice all the time?
‘Why not?’ He crossed his arms over his chest. His T-shirt stretched rather nicely. ‘Have you even told anyone we’re together? Besides your uncle, anyway. Your cousins? Alex?’
I glowered again. We’d only agreed to try this on Friday and he was already pushing.
‘No,’ I finally admitted in a low voice. It was a small lie though. I had told Thomas. He didn’t need to know that though.
‘Why not?’
‘Why should I? It’s not any of their business who I shag on a regular basis.’ I was so used to keeping this thing between Tarjei and me a secret it had become a habit. It wasn’t easy breaking out of it. Besides, it wasn’t anyone’s business.
‘No, it’s not. But it’s nice for people to know you’re in an actual relationship, you know? There’s no reason for you to keep it secret. I don’t keep it secret.’
‘Who the hell have you told?’ I had looked away at some point, but now sharply turned back to face him.
‘Yvonne for starters.’
He’d told his ex-girlfriend. Who he’d cheated on with me. That was just great.
‘What, Ben?’ he pressed. ‘Don’t you want anyone to know? Are we supposed to keep this so-called relationship a secret? Just as secret as the fact we’ve been shagging for four years?’ A few beats of silence followed. ‘You’re the one who said you’d post it on fucking Facebook. For your information, you haven’t.’
No, I sure hadn’t.
‘It’s just new.’ He couldn’t expect me to change in one day. ‘We don’t have to be open right away. Let us get used to this first, and then we can tell people. What if it doesn’t work? Are we supposed to go around and share that too then? How it failed?’ Because it was bound to.
‘You said you wanted to try this.’ His tone of voice changed from heated and confrontational to… defeated, maybe. It was hard to tell.
‘I do!’ I hadn’t meant for that to come out as a shout, but he was pushing too much. ‘But don’t push. Can’t we just keep it between us for now?’
‘That makes it no different than the past four years, Ben.’ A little heat came back into his voice. ‘I want more than that. More than sex. I told you this and you said you wanted to try.’
‘I am trying.’ I was. Trying… ish.
‘You’re not!’
I pressed my lips together in annoyance. I didn’t need this shit. I had allowed things to change between us, but I wasn’t ready for everything else to change too.
‘I’m going home.’ I stood and quickly moved around the coffee table.
‘That right there—’ He pointed an accusing finger at me. ‘That’s what you always do. As soon as you hear something you don’t like, you leave.’
; ‘I’m leaving because I don’t want to argue with you.’ I didn’t like arguments, even though I often found myself right in the middle of them.
‘I don’t want to argue either, Ben.’ He leant against the doorway as I pulled my jacket on. ‘But I wanted changes. Not more of the same shit we’ve been dealing with for years.’
‘This is new to me. You have to give me time.’ Was that really too much to ask for?
‘It’s been four years, Ben. And nothing has changed.’
‘It doesn’t happen overnight!’
‘If you want to be with me, if you really want to, it shouldn’t be this hard.’ He was back to sounding defeated and dejected. ‘If you don’t want this, Ben, just admit it. Save me the heartbreak down the line.’
I straightened from lacing my beat-up Converse. If words physically hurt me, right in the middle of my chest. Or to the side a little. Wherever the heart was positioned in there.
‘I do want it. Tarjei…’ I moved closer, lips hovering over his.
He closed the distance and kissed me. His lips were soft and warm, in stark contrast to his sharp stubble raking over my skin.
‘Okay.’ I let out a breath when we slowly drew apart.
‘Okay what?’ His eyes flicked between mine uncertainly.
‘We’ll do something that doesn’t involve sex or just the two of us alone in here.’ I glanced up at him. ‘But not dinner.’
‘What’s wrong with dinner?’ He was confused.
‘Stilted, awkward conversations… no thanks.’ That was my personal nightmare.
‘You know my parents.’ He stared at me in wonder now. ‘You’ve been around our place since you were a wee little preschooler.’
‘Yeah, well, that was as Nik’s friend. Never have I been over there as your boyfriend.’ I rolled my eyes.
‘You’re embarrassed to meet my parents now that we’re together?’
I shrugged noncommittally. But he had hit the nail on the head.
‘I’m not exactly a great catch, you know,’ I blurted out before he could say anything. ‘I’ve done a lot of shit. I slept around. I was a moody little fucker—still am. Nik and I’ve raided your dad’s liquor cabinet several times through the years, and each and every time he was livid. They know everything I’ve ever done. They know I sleep around. They know I’m a depressive wreck. They know I used to cut my arms. They can’t possibly want that for you.’
Tarjei seemed stunned after my word-vomit.
‘My parents like you,’ was all he said.
I scoffed.
‘It’s true.’ He cupped my cheek in one palm. ‘They do like you. They hadn’t expected the two of us to end up together, but they were happy for me.’
‘Exactly.’ I poked him in the chest. ‘Not what they expected.’
‘I didn’t mean it like that. They just…’ He searched for words. Maybe to dig himself out of the hole he’d just made for himself. ‘They didn’t think we were close, you know? You’re Nik’s best friend, after all. That’s all they meant.’
I couldn’t tell if he was being truthful or not.
‘Don’t go.’ He took my hand in one of his, holding tight.
‘Will you stop pushing me?’ I wasn’t about to stay if he was going to keep doing that.
‘Yeah.’ He hooked his arms around my neck now. ‘Yvonne wants to go bowling tonight. Maybe that’s more your thing than dinner?’
I couldn’t stop the grimace. I hated bowling, but… it was certainly better than dinner.
‘Okay, I’ll go bowling with you.’
‘Yeah?’ A slow, tentative smile spread on his lips.
‘Yeah.’ I could only hope I wouldn’t regret this.
And the award for most awkward couple went to… us, of course. Or me, maybe.
I did go out bowling with him. And it wasn’t just with Yvonne, but it’d turned into a bloody triple date.
Who even did that anymore? Who even did that ever?
A fucking triple date with Kristina and Jo, my own damn cousins, and Yvonne—Tarjei’s friend and ex-girlfriend—and her latest boyfriend I hadn’t bothered learning the name of. She wasn’t known for keeping her boyfriends around for long anyway so I didn’t see the point.
Kristina and Jo sat close together; she sat sideways in her chair so she could rest her feet over his thighs.
Yvonne and her guy frequently smacked kisses on each other.
And Tarjei and I… we sat in chairs next to each other, but other than that we might be worlds apart.
Kristina and Yvonne were girls. It was socially acceptable for them to be affectionate with their boyfriends in public. And it was socially acceptable for guys to be affectionate with their girlfriends.
Two guys being affectionate with each other would provoke lots of staring.
Besides, I wasn’t as comfortable with Tarjei as they were with each other. Not by a long shot. We might’ve had sex for four years, and were now officially in a relationship for… like, two days… but that didn’t mean I magically felt any different.
I already regretted going out with them.
I didn’t know how to act. Normally I wouldn’t care, because normally I wouldn’t be in a relationship. If anything, I could come with some sexual innuendos—except not too blatant, because I’d always wanted to keep the whole thing between Tarjei and me a secret. But now… now we were in a relationship, and I had no clue how to act.
Seemed old habits died hard.
Bowling wasn’t my idea of fun, but it was what they’d all had planned.
I kind of regretted not going to dinner with his parents instead now. Hindsight was everything and all that.
I really did want to be good at this whole boyfriend thing.
My ribs ached though, not that I showed it to anyone. The bowling ball was heavy. The ones that didn’t weigh much had smaller holes, so I couldn’t get my fingers in them. That meant a heavier ball—that normally wouldn’t be a problem for me—except with the beating my ribs had suffered it bloody hurt.
They all had fun, so I tried my very best not to draw any attention to it.
I didn’t do all that well with the bowling either. The ball hardly ever hit where it was supposed to. It was safe to say I was in last place. If I didn’t hurt so much, I would have minded, but as it was, I was just happy when my turn was over so I could plop back down on my chair.
Laughter surrounded me as they chatted and laughed together. They were so close. They were relaxed around each other, they had inside jokes, they had a lot of history between them.
I felt like I was on the outside, looking in. Like I wasn’t part of their company.
I felt utterly miserable. Again. I felt like I’d just gotten out of that black hole, but now I was back. Back to plummeting down the endless darkness. I had to hit the bottom of it someday, however far down that bottom lay.
‘Hey, Ben.’ This was Jo. He leant forwards once Tarjei got up to take his turn. ‘Did you know Yvonne’s in a choir?’
‘No.’ What did that have to do with me?
I glanced over at Yvonne. Her attention had moved from Tarjei to Jo now.
‘The choir needs new members,’ Kristina said because clearly she and Jo were in on whatever this was together. ‘And you’ve got a good voice. I haven’t heard you sing in a while, but you’re so good at it.’
Sing in a choir?
I snorted a laugh. ‘I’m not religious, thank you very much.’
‘You don’t have to be religious to be in the choir,’ Yvonne shot in, looking at me with interest. I hadn’t ever had much to do with Yvonne. I knew of her, she’d been Kristina’s best friend for years, but apart from greetings, we’d hardly ever talked. ‘I’m an atheist. That doesn’t mean I can’t still sing.’
She was also Tarjei’s ex. Tarjei had cheated on her when they’d been together… with me.
‘Don’t you sing in the opera?’ That I knew, at least.
‘I do both.’ She grinned, proudly. ‘Play leads in
the opera during the season, but I also sing in the Opera Chorale. It’s great.’
I doubted that. But I forced a smile.
‘Don’t think it’s for me though.’
Yvonne only shrugged, but Kristina’s eyes narrowed.
‘You need a hobby,’ she said.
‘But I don’t need that as a hobby,’ I shot back, irritated.
Tarjei came back, looking between us.
I had no idea how he’d done, if he’d hit many pins, and right now I couldn’t be arsed to check.
He sat down next to me without a word, having clearly heard it all. Of course he did, he was only a couple metres away from the table, after all.
‘You need to figure your shit out, Ben.’ Kristina wasn’t going to let this drop.
Yvonne’s boyfriend stood up to take his turn now. I settled on watching him as he tried out different bowling balls, figuring out which one to use.
‘What do you want to do?’ she continued to press.
‘I am figuring it out.’ That was such a lie. I didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do.
‘Oh yeah?’ She raised an eyebrow, all kinds of sceptical.
‘Not everyone knows what they want to do with their life when they’re twenty, you know.’
‘You think I’m doing what I wanted to be doing with my life?’ She rolled her eyes. ‘I didn’t want to work in a clothes shop. But you know what? That is what I do. And I actually like it. And I’m a dance teacher, part-time. It’s great. I’m happy.’
So? I didn’t see what any of that had to do with me.
‘You can be happy with life, even if it doesn’t turn out the way you expected,’ Jo said in a soft voice.
Kristina nodded.
I didn’t like this. I wanted to walk away, go home. Why did they have to bring stuff like this up now? Right here? I didn’t need to hear it. Not now when I was already teetering on the edge.
Except I wasn’t teetering on it. I’d already fallen and I couldn’t see the bottom. Not the top either. It was endless. And dark and miserable.
‘Kristina, your turn,’ Tarjei said.
I was grateful he broke up this uncomfortable conversation they’d initiated. At the same time I was annoyed and angry in general and I didn’t know how to calm down.