by Tina T. Kove
‘He’s gone. He didn’t hate his life quite as much.’
‘What do you hate?’ He was back again now, hand stroking my hunched shoulders again.
‘Everything,’ I said with conviction. ‘School. The fact I don’t have any friends left here. Well, that Nik’s not here, since he’s basically my only friend. I’m stuck—and everyone else moves on. I can’t even play music anymore because I get all anxious. I don’t know what to do.’
‘Not everyone knows what they want, Ben.’ Thomas stopped rubbing and instead draped an arm over my shoulder, hugging me. ‘If you don’t, you have to trial and error until you do figure out what’s right.’
‘What if I never figure it out?’ That’s what I was afraid of. ‘What if I’ll always be like this?’
‘You won’t be. But you can start looking for something else,’ he advised. ‘Find new friends. The world doesn’t revolve around Nik.’
He made it sound so easy. It wasn’t that easy.
‘Can you promise me you’ll try to do something?’ He hugged me tight. ‘I hate seeing you miserable.’
‘I promise.’ What did I have to lose? I couldn’t be any more miserable right now if I tried.
‘Good.’ He clapped my back. ‘You’re supposed to be celebrating being a graduate right now, yet I haven’t even seen you wear any of the clothes you ordered.’
The first seventeen days of May were basically one long binge-drinking for graduates. What with my dependency on alcohol at the moment, going along with tradition wasn’t exactly wise.
Although, if it wasn’t for the fact I couldn’t fucking have an orgasm lately… I would’ve been all over it. I’d been looking forward to this for years. Longer than most, considering my high school education had been four years instead of the usual three for everyone else.
‘Have you thought more about Spain this summer, then?’
‘No, I haven’t.’ For some reason, my heart skipped a beat at that question. But now he’d asked, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
When I turned my phone on later, I was flooded with texts. Many were from Nik, others from various members of my family, and some were from Tarjei.
I checked those first, scrolling upwards to read from the first one he’d sent.
Tarjei: How are you?
Tarjei: Please answer, Ben. I’m worried about you.
Tarjei: Are you ignoring me?
Tarjei: Seems you’re ignoring everyone, even Nik. Guess it’s not just me then.
Tarjei: Be well again soon, okay? I miss you.
Guilt curled in my stomach. He was so sweet, even if I’d ignored him for days. My gaze was trained on his last text, sent yesterday afternoon.
I miss you.
Something twisted inside me. I fucking missed him too.
I ignored all other texts and instead got up and off the bed. I had to see him. He should be home from work by now too.
‘I’m going out!’ I called to Thomas as I passed the kitchen, not bothering to stop and elaborate any further.
I still felt a little queasy, but Thomas had been right; food had helped. He’d only made soup, but it was still nourishment. And it was easier to keep down.
Tarjei was out front when I got to his flat, bent over the boot of his car.
‘Hey,’ I called, not wanting to startle him by sneaking up on him.
He straightened up slowly and turned to look at me. ‘Hi.’
I couldn’t read his expression, it was shuttered.
Now I was here I had no idea why I’d been in such a hurry. I had no idea what to say to him. He stood there expecting something, and I was completely tongue-tied.
‘What are you doing?’ I asked eventually when he didn’t say anything. It was all I could get out.
‘I’m going fishing.’
‘Fishing?’ That was not what I had expected.
‘Yeah, fishing.’ He crossed his arms over his chest. ‘Going out on the boat with Dad. You can come if you want.’ He offered the last part after a brief pause.
Go out fishing with Tarjei and his dad? No fucking way. But what came out of my mouth instead was, ‘Okay.’
‘Get in then.’ He motioned to the passenger side.
I did. And stayed quiet all the way down to the marina, because inwards I kept cursing myself. I hated fishing. That was why I never did it.
Why the hell would I do this to myself? Go out on a boat when I didn’t feel well. That was the recipe for disaster!
‘Can you carry this?’ Tarjei asked once we’d parked and he’d popped the boot.
I took the rucksack and hoisted it over one shoulder, then followed Tarjei as he carried a fishing pole and a bag of whatever.
I regretted my decision to come all the way down the pier; it bobbed on the water as we walked. The boat was, thankfully, a proper boat, not one of those little open ones. I had no idea what they were called.
‘Hi, Ben.’ Robert, Tarjei’s dad, smiled welcomingly at me.
‘Hey.’ I managed a weak one in return.
Tarjei handed what he carried over to his dad, then grabbed the rucksack from my back and handed that over too.
‘You go first.’ He stood with one foot on the pier and the other in the boat, holding it steady for me. I climbed onto the deck, not at all gracefully. He was a lot more smooth about it as he climbed over.
While they stayed outside doing whatever needed to be done to the boat or the gear, I went inside to sit down. I was already queasy, and I wasn’t looking forward to when they got the motor going and drove out onto the fjord.
There was a big possibility I’d actually get sick. And would that endear me to Tarjei right now? He wasn’t happy with me as it was.
I took my phone out while listening to the two of them chatter outside. I sent off a quick text to Nik, telling him I wasn’t ignoring him, that I’d just been sick. As for my family, I’d already talked to them after they’d sent me texts, so there was no point in answering them.
‘Ready for this?’ Tarjei clapped a hand down on the back of the small sofa I sat on, surprising me so much my phone almost slipped out of my fingers.
‘Sure.’ Not really. Not at all.
‘Scoot in.’ He sat down next to me, even if there was a whole space available on the other side of the table.
‘Ready, boys?’ Robert came in and got in front of the wheel.
Was it called a wheel when it was on a boat even? I had no idea. It was round, it steered the bloody thing, so to me it was.
The boat started up with a rumble and my stomach flipped.
‘You okay?’ I didn’t realise I’d let out a groan before Tarjei’s hand clamped down on my thigh. ‘You seem a little green.’
‘I’m sick,’ I admitted. ‘It probably wasn’t the best idea to agree to this.’
‘You can go downstairs and lay down for a bit,’ Tarjei offered, motioning to the stairs in front of where his dad stood at the wheel. ‘It’s a bigger, more comfortable sofa down there. Can be turned into a bed, too.’
‘Yeah, I’ll—that sounds good.’ I jumped at the chance to lay down. ‘Maybe I’ll feel better.’
Tarjei stepped back onto the floor to let me past him.
Our hands brushed. I wanted to take his hand and squeeze it, maybe drag him down with me, but I wasn’t sure how he’d take that. I knew he wasn’t happy with me, but at the same time, he’d asked me to come fishing. And he seemed worried.
I stumbled down the four steps as the boat gained speed and all but collapsed on the wide sofa. Tarjei had been right—it was more comfortable. And now I was in a horizontal position, I didn’t feel quite as nauseous.
They talked on the deck above me, but thanks to the rumble of the boat, I couldn’t hear what they said.
When Tarjei’s legs became visible though, I realised he was on his way down.
‘Hey.’ He sat on the sofa next to me, gazing down at me.
‘Sorry about this.’ I looked up at him, taking in his angular face
, his freckles, his brown eyes, his auburn, ruffled hair.
He really was handsome. And he really liked me. And I thought I might actually like him too.
Why hadn’t I ever given him any thought before? The sex had been great, it always had. But if I hadn’t been so obsessed with Nik, maybe we could’ve had years of more than sex behind us by now.
‘It’s okay. I know you’ve been sick.’
‘Who told you?’ How could he know that? Someone must’ve told him.
‘Kristina.’ He smiled.
‘Of course she did.’ I rolled my eyes, but her words resonated through my mind. ‘She’s all up in my business lately.’
‘She’s worried about you.’ He flicked my fringe away from my forehead to cup it with his palm. ‘You’re not particularly hot, so at least you’re not running a fever.’
‘I’m only nauseous.’ Though that was bad enough in itself.
‘We all worry about you, you know. We all care.’ He caressed my face now, his skin rough and calloused from his line of work. ‘I think you should’ve told me yourself though. That’s what people in a relationship do. I don’t feel like you’re as serious about this as I am, and I don’t know what to do about it.’
‘I am serious.’ A flicker of fear curled in my gut, mingling with nausea. ‘I swear. I’m just not any good at—well, anything.’ I wanted him to believe me. I needed him to believe. ‘But I’m trying. I want to try. Because I want this. I want you.’
Something flickered over his face. I couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but it worried me.
‘What about Nik? I don’t want to be the runner-up to my brother anymore.’
‘Nik’s my friend. My best friend. Nothing more than that.’ And perhaps he actually was. I hadn’t thought about being with Nik, truly being with him like I’d fantasised about so often before, in ages.
We’d grown apart ever since he moved away, and I wasn’t sure if we could bridge that gap again. If it would be possible. What he’d said to me at Easter… it still hurt. But not nearly as much as it hurt to imagine facing tomorrow without Tarjei.
Tarjei’s gaze searched mine. He must’ve seen something he liked because his lips tilted up in a soft smile.
‘Maybe I’ll actually believe you this time.’
‘Maybe I actually mean it this time.’
Tarjei had always been there for me. Though I’d been all about the sex, he’d always been available for it. And lately, he’d stood up for me a lot. He’d let me in even when I came around in the middle of the night. He’d come to my rescue after Marcus’s beating and sat with me in A&E. He’d brought me home, tucked me in.
He always came when I asked.
I wanted to fall in love with him. Maybe I already was falling in love with him.
‘I wanted to ask you something,’ I said instead, not ready to voice my thoughts. ‘Thomas asked me a while back if I wanted to come to Spain this summer. It might turn into a whole family thing, but he said I could bring someone with me. I want that someone to be you.’
He blinked.
‘So will you? Come to Spain with me?’ Nervousness curled in my stomach. There was a right mixture of things going on in my body right now. ‘There’s a pool and everything.’ That was lame. I wished I could take that last sentence back. Who the fuck cared about a pool?
‘I’d love to go to Spain with you, Ben.’ Tarjei’s smile widened. ‘Even if there weren’t a pool.’
That made me laugh. ‘It’s a nice place she’s got, I guess.’
‘You’ve been there before?’
‘Only seen pictures.’ I shook my head. ‘And heard Grandma talk about it when she’s here.’
‘Sounds lovely.’ He took my hand in his, and I squeezed tight. ‘I’ll have to give notice at work before the end of May though if I want a specific date for my holiday.’
‘I’ll ask Thomas when we’re leaving. I think it’s at the end of June or early July. Not late summer, anyway. Lot’s of moving happening them, so...’ I wanted to kiss him badly, but I wasn’t sure if I should sit up yet. I felt good lying down, but if nausea returned by me moving it wouldn’t exactly be a nice kiss.
He took the decision out of my hands as he bent down to slide his lips against mine. It was soft, chaste, but oh so sweet. I didn’t even know I liked it sweet—until now.
‘Holidaying together… that’s serious, huh?’ he murmured against my lips.
‘Yeah.’ It sure was. ‘You sure you can deal with me that long?’ I knew I was a handful. I wanted to get better, try at not being so self-absorbed, but it was hard sometimes when I was at my worst.
‘I’ve stuck around for over four years, Ben. I think I can manage a couple more months,’ he said dryly, rubbing our noses together.
I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him down for a tight hug.
‘I think I might try out for that choir. And I’m going to look for a job for when school’s over.’ If I didn’t have to deal with school, things might get better for me. And then, I could figure out what I wanted to do with my life in a stable state of mind.
‘That’s good.’ He hugged me back, just as tightly as I clung to him. ‘I think that’ll be good for you. I hate seeing you depressed, especially seeing you as far down as you’ve been lately. I don’t know what to do.’
‘There’s not much anyone can do.’ I had to snap out of it on my own. With good help from medications. ‘But I feel good when I’m with you, so just… be there. That helps.’
‘I’ll be around as long as you let me.’ He sat back up, lips parted in a wide smile. He stroked my cheek affectionately. ‘And can you please stop storming off on me?’
‘I don’t do that,’ I denied immediately.
‘Yeah, you do.’ He gave me a look.
I glanced away, embarrassed. Okay, so maybe I did. I was way too dramatic at times. Or too conflict-shy, maybe.
‘I’ll try to stop doing it then.’
‘Shake on it?’ Tarjei held his hand out and I stared at it.
‘Are you for real?’
‘Yeah. Come on. Shake.’ He wiggled his fingers in front of my face.
I laughed. Because this was ridiculous. ‘All right then.’ I shook. ‘It feels like we’re doing a business transaction.’
‘A relationship’s a bit like that, isn’t it?’ He grinned.
I rolled my eyes but smiled back at him.
‘I’m going back up. You rest, okay? Come up when you’re ready.’ He pressed a quick kiss on my lips, then went back up the stairs. I could hear his dad speaking, but not what he was saying.
I folded my arms behind my head and stared up at the ceiling. I was now in a real, proper relationship with another person.
Incredible.
I was so going to suck at it.
After sleeping off the worst of the nausea, I decided to head back up. The boat was still now, only moving slightly with the water. It was much better than when it’d been driving full speed over waves.
Tarjei and Robert were out on the deck, and I leant against the doorway as I watched them. They had a bucket standing on the deck behind them and I could see blood in it—so that meant they already had fish in there.
Robert was pulling up the line of the fishing pole attached to the boat, and Tarjei leant over the railing to grab it once the hook—or hooks apparently, as there were more than one on that line—broke the surface. Three fish were stuck on a hook each, but two were bare. Their slimy little bodies jerked back and forth.
Tarjei grabbed one, removed it from the line, and threw it to the deck where it thrashed around wildly. He did the same with the other two, then let go of the line and bent down to cut the throat—did fish have throats?—of all three fish. Blood squirted out onto the deck and the fish moved no more.
‘That is disgusting,’ I said, unable to keep quiet anymore.
Tarjei looked up in surprise, then grinned. ‘That’s fishing for you, man.’
‘I can eat fish, as long as
it’s just the meat.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘But I don’t kill them. Those creepy eyes—they stare at you.’ I looked away from the bucket he threw the fish in.
‘We’ve got mackerel and pollock.’ Robert looked into the bucket. ‘I’d like to get some cod too before we head back.’ He glanced up at me next. ‘Do you want to try, Ben?’
I took a tentative step outside, not at all sure I did, but I was here so I might as well.
‘I’ll show you.’ Tarjei moved closer to me.
‘Keep those hands away from me.’ I eyed said hands, with their spattering of blood and fish-goo on them.
Tarjei laughed. It was a good look on him, laughter.
‘Don’t be so squeamish.’ He threw his arm around my neck, but thankfully didn’t touch me with his hands. ‘It’s only a little blood.’ He kissed my temple. ‘If you want to fish with us, you can’t be squeamish about that.’
‘I prefer my fish cooked or fried, thanks.’ But I kissed his temple too, and I let him drag me over to the pole.
‘It’s easy. Much more straightforward than a regular fishing pole.’ There was a round wheel on the side of the pole, with a handle on it. ‘Just swivel the handle here and the line drops down. Hold it so it doesn’t fall too fast, since it has a weight on the end. Once it’s down, you lock it like this, and then move the whole pole up and down until you feel the fish bite. Then you swivel the line back up.’
I did as he’d told me, and I did get a couple of fish on the hooks.
‘Small mackerels,’ Robert said after having a look at them. ‘Too small.’
Tarjei took the line, carefully got the small fish off the hooks, and threw them back into the water.
‘Try again.’
I blew out a breath, not sure if I even liked this, but did as I was told.
In the end, I was the one who managed to get a nice-sized cod on the hook. Not that that had anything at all to do with me and my non-existent fishing skills.
‘What are you going to do with all the fish?’ I eyed the bucket in distaste, but I was also a little curious.
‘We gut them.’ Robert reached in, took one out, and cut it open from chin to tail.
I grimaced as blood and intestines and whatever gushed out onto the deck. How the hell were they going to clean all that afterwards?