by Taylor Love
He knew firsthand Janae could be stubborn. He was sure her tenacity was one of the reasons she’d gotten so far in life. But as he entered the third week of his pity party, his thinking shifted as he got the second book back from editing. He could be as stubborn as she was. Wasn’t he the one that had scratched out a living by writing, a profession not considered stable or worthwhile by some?
Damond had fought his way into a genre dominated by white males and characters. Carving out his own space. Fought to find and grow his readership, and most recently battled his own thinking and trepidation in starting a new series. His mojo hadn’t been gone, just his desire to pursue it. Meeting Janae had helped spark that fire in his writing and life. Yeah, he wasn’t going to be kicked to the curb so easily this time, and if Professor Williams thought so, she had another thing coming.
SINCE SHE’D BROKEN things off with Damond he hadn’t called, texted or even emailed her. Hadn’t put up any fight, and it made her incredibly sad. But that’s what she had wanted—so that’s what she got. It didn’t change the fact that she missed him like crazy and cried herself to sleep a couple of times. But what was done was done, so she had no reason to screen her calls and picked up on a Thursday night to hear his familiar voice.
“Hey, Janae.”
Took her a good five seconds to find her voice. “Damond...look if you-”
“Before you do your dial tone routine, I’m not calling about you and me. This is a business call.”
“What business do we have?” Janae cleared her throat. “Not related to us.”
“Writing. I need to consult with you again. I just got the edits back on the second book I wrote when you weren’t there. I got some holes to shore up, things that need clarifying.”
“You ever heard of Google?”
“See, come on don’t be vindictive again. Look I’ll find another head doctor to help me going forward, but right now you’re all I got. Aren’t you all about social collaboration being the bedrock of a good society? I’m asking for one hour of your time. Maybe even less than that. I’ve made a list so I know exactly what I need to address. How about it?”
She gritted her teeth, hating that he’d called her out, hating even more the need to prove him wrong.
“Fine, one hour tops. Where do you want to meet?”
“I’d prefer to come to your place.”
“I don’t think that’s necessary.” Putting frost in her tone.
“Look, call me crazy but I’m paranoid about talking in depth about my work out in public. You can’t tell me you and yours don’t keep your projects and research private for as long as possible, so others don’t steal your shit?”
“I know you’re exaggerating all this, just so you know. One hour, my house tomorrow at seven. I want to get this done and over with. If the time doesn’t work for you then to bad.”
“Oh, it works for me, and if it didn’t work...I would make it work. See you tomorrow.”
Damond disconnected from her this time, and she wasn’t oblivious to the words she’d once spoken to him being thrown back at her. Reminding Janae that when she’d said it, it was to prove her commitment to starting a relationship with him.
JANAE HAD NO REASON to be nervous about seeing him, so why was she? This was a brief business matter between them. After that she would never have to see or speak to him again. So why was she straightening up small things around the house, a pillow here, a picture there.
“Stop it Janae, this isn’t a ladies brunch visit.”
Funny she was worrying about the house, while for her appearance she had purposely dressed down. Didn’t want him to mistake that she was trying to gain his attention. Her hair was pulled back into the severe bun he hated, with a full sleeve non-fitted shirt that was almost too hot for this time of the year, with some relaxed fit dress pants on. She was also determined to be polite and distant, just like any other business meeting. Her overthinking was cut short as he knocked on her door exactly at seven. Here we go.
“Damond. Thanks for being on time, come on in.”
He did and she noticed he was wearing jeans and a faded t-shirt. Looked like he wasn’t trying to impress her either.
“Thanks. Let’s get down to business so I can get out of your hair.”
“Okay...have a seat. Wait, where are your notes or laptop?” She asked, just noticing the obvious.
“I got everything I need right here.” Damond pulled out his small notebook and a pen from his back pocket.
“This is ridiculous.” She hurried to her office and got a legal pad. Slapping it on the table as she sat back down. “Here, use this. Because if you run out of room or whatever I don’t want you saying we need to meet again. This is our last time seeing each other.”
“Naw, I’m good.” Damond tapped the book on his knee. “Now would you please be quiet while I explain what I need.”
“By all means, the floor is yours,” Janae stiffly replied.
“So this character is a man who has a warped since of reality. He hurts people because he’s been hurt, but in his mind he’s never harmed anyone. He was rejected after a long time of living a fantasy that was never real, and so he has a strong aversion of ever being caught up in that type of situation again. Every time he feels like things might be too good to be true, he lashes out and hurts someone else.
“Hmm, sounds like he may have a dissociative personality disorder, brought on by emotional distress.” Janae brow furrowed as she thought on it. “Though it was most likely a build up over time, and the last big rejection set him down this path of pushing folks away.”
“I knew you’d understand.” Damond smiled sadly. “Janae, that man is me.”
“What? Are you playing some kind of game? If so I don’t have time for this. You lied so you could see me.”
She rose off the couch, only to have him gently take hold of her wrist.
“Are you really surprised I lied? Please sit and listen. Veronica was a fantasy for me, good looking and someone who needed me. She can play the in need of saving role pretty well when she wants, and from time to time I apparently like to play the knight in shining armor. She hoodwinked me, hell maybe I did it to myself. She needed support, money wise more than anything else. She never loved me and at the time I honestly thought I loved her. That was the rejection that broke this camel’s back.”
Janae slowly sat, pulling her arm away. “Go on.”
“Just as you thought about the fictional character that wasn’t the first rejection. Remember, I’d originally tried to go the route of being traditionally published for a few years before striking out as an indie. I got a ton of rejection letters, told that my books didn’t fit solidly into one genre or the next. That my characters were too much and that while having a black lead was basically okay, no one wanted to read about black psychopaths or black folks and supernatural evil. It was always something and always no. Then right before Veronica left my sales were starting to plateau, all of it making me feel I wasn’t good enough. Can you relate to ever feeling that way?”
Reaching out Janae held his hand. “Yes, more than once.”
“I was up at that cabin just like you, trying to reinvent myself, taking a risk. I wasn’t expecting you, wasn’t ready for you Janae. Yet, I’m so thankful you were there. I wouldn’t take that time back no matter what comes next.”
“God, I wouldn’t either.” Janae had to lower her eyes, she couldn’t look at him, but then thought she owed it to them both to face this head on. “I thought we had something unique and special. Damond...it hurt to find out we don’t.”
“But we do! Which is why I can’t wrap my mind around why you want to throw it away.”
“I don’t!” Janae pulled her hand away. “I get it, Veronica may have been a fantasy to you, but you still felt strongly enough about her to combine your lives after a measly six months. But with me, after the same amount of time, you can’t even call me your girlfriend to another person. Hell, or even tell it to me. I wanted t
o mean more to you than just “someone else.” Some interchangeable woman you happen to have in your life at the moment.”
“I’m sorry I was so dense and made you feel that way. Janae that was never my intention. Part of me didn’t want to rush into anything like I’d done with her, the other part was fear. Fear that I was a temporary curiosity for you and that you would wake up one day and tell me playtime was over. So I just let things ride, didn’t want to rock the boat. I’m sorry, for not telling you sooner how I felt.”
“Damond, exactly how do you feel about me?”
“Well, that’s why I bought my dependable notebook along.” He finally opened the pintsize thing. “I know you were not thrilled with the way I described what you meant to me at my place.”
“That’s an understatement.” She chuckled. “But yeah, it didn’t make me happy.”
“I think it’s a case of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” theory. You know differences in how we communicate.”
Rolling her eyes Janae sent him an amused smile. “Can’t wait to see how you equate our argument to this.”
“Here me out, it’s not farfetched. What’s important to a man and how he expresses it may be different than how you would, but it doesn’t mean the connotation behind it isn’t the same.”
He showed her a page in his book that simply had “lover” written in the middle.
“I called you my lover, not my hookup, not a sex partner, not some random person who as benefit of our acquaintance sex was had. The root word of lover is love, Janae. The way we connect physically has been more powerful than what I’ve ever experienced with any other woman. It was never “just” sex for me. What we did was making love regardless of the form it took.”
“Damn you.”
She was leaking already. Trying to shake the tears from her face when he reached out a hand that knew every inch of her body, and gently wiped them away.
“Language Professor.”
When she snorted a little at their running joke, he turned another page. This one had “writing buddy” on it.
“Speaking of language, the second thing I called you was my writing buddy. As you said words are important, and you and me understand each other’s language. You were able to be yourself and so was I. You understood that my needling was a form of play, that my bark was bigger than my bite. Recognized my challenging comments were meant to provoke debate, because I like learning and exploring new ideas. That my mind was worthy of having deep, complex conversations.
And yes, it’s also directly about writing too. Until I met you I’d never had a woman by my side who understood a tenth of what went into writing, how hard and stressful it could be. But with you, you got it. I think you can agree we’re both better writers having the support system we provide each other.”
“I suppose you’re right. I figured out you weren’t really a lone wolf a while ago.”
“Come on, you know wolves are pack animals. The rare lone wolf is that way by circumstances not choice. And when he finds a mate they stay together for life. I have no desire to stay alone Janae. I want to be with you.”
“Damond I-”
“No, I’m not done. You made a big deal about this and I want to address all of it.”
“Fine, now you want to be precise. Go on then.”
“The last word I called you was my friend.” He turned another page to display the word. “Now I had to scratch my head at how you turned this globally positive word into a negative. Calling someone a friend is a huge compliment. I know it’s been watered down by having 500 Facebook “friends” and shit like that. But when a man considers a woman his friend, he’s elevated her from just a mere sex partner or something to do on the weekend. We shared our dreams, our doubts, the deeply personal things that make up our personalities. Friendship on top of everything else we have, is icing on the cake.
Real friendship is invaluable. It’s when you know that through thick or thin a person will be there for you when it matters. That’s how I knew you would see me today. You care about me as a person. You want to see my work succeed. Lifelong commitment takes more than just heat, it takes understanding and friendship too. That’s what those three words I called you meant in my head.”
Janae hesitated, catching her breath as the tears continued to flow. “Is that what you want us to have, a lifelong commitment?”
“God, yes! That’s what I just said woman. Get it through your thick head that I love you.”
She threw herself in his arms, hugging him tight and being squeezed to death in return.
“I love you too! You’re the thick headed one. If you had just said those three words in the first place, we wouldn’t have had to go through this.”
Damond laughed impishly, shaking a finger back and forth.
“Lady, I’m a writer. You know I had to express myself separately from those overused cliché words.”
“Well, as a writer you also know that sometimes clichés are used so much because they work! It’s what the readers want and understand.”
“Wait, let me write that down.” He turned to a clear page and wrote I love you Janae.
“Now this notebook really has everything I need in it. How about a compromise? I promise to bring my artistic side down to your level and say those three words at least once a week, if you agree to come back to me and never leave again.”
Janae palmed his face lovingly. “Make it twice a week and you have a deal, Mr. Hall.”
“Done.”
When she sealed it with a kiss, Damond was hard pressed not to let it get out of control, but his need to make sure they were on the same page came first.
“Janae, I want to be crystal clear on this. I want to collaborate in this thing called love and life with you. Is that what you want?
“It is. Damond, I love you. As long as we work together to make this love strong, anything we do in life will succeed.”
“Amen to that Professor.”
Epilogue
IT WAS MID-DECEMBER and winter had come on time this year. They’d had three big snows already and another was predicted for next week. Today was cold but at least it was snow free, which meant people weren’t hesitating to come out this Saturday. This was a good thing, otherwise she would look stupid just sitting here.
Janae was in the Barnes & Noble in Ann Arbor having her first ever book signing. The book she had procrastinated over, stressed over and cried over had become an unusual surprise success. It seemed her time at the cabin had influenced how she wrote, and instead of the usually cold and clinical book that academics and students alike were used to, hers ended up being more humanized.
Her peers, almost across the board had given it glowing reviews. Then a certain someone had used his connections to get her a segment on Fox 2 news, so she could talk about how her book could be used to understand some of the factors that played into aggression. Where programs in the community should focus their resources to mitigate risks, before it was too late to change behavior.
That eight minutes on air had inquiries from places she never imagined coming her way. Regular citizens had started buying the book, and various professors at a wide variety of schools where choosing to use it for their winter classes. So next month thousands of students would be forced to buy it. It was crazy! She’d gotten job offers from the bigger universities in the state, as well as a few across the country. For now, she was staying where she was at, but had a lot of thinking to do. A position at U of M didn’t have many down sides, and she wouldn’t have to uproot her entire life.
Janae was under no illusions, and knew this fame would be short lived, but she’d take it for as long as she could. Speaking of fame, she wasn’t the only one who was getting some accolades or having a book signing today. Across the store there was an author who had a much more steady line of people than her, whose name happened to be Damond Hall. His new series had been the one to take his writing to that next level. The second book had released two weeks ago to eve
n higher sales than the first. Word of mouth and his own news segment had helped. Like he’d suspected, people loved thrillers that focused on a main detective trying to stop the crazies.
When a store associate came and told her it was time for a brief break, she was relieved. She had ten minutes to use the bathroom, stuff something in her face and stretch her legs. Janae used the last few minutes talking to the man across the room when he approached her in a semi private corner.
“I’ve had more of a line than you all day Professor.” Damon stated.
“I’m aware and it’s not rocket science that more people would be interested in your book than mine. Frankly, I’m still astounded anyone showed up for me.”
“I’m not. Makes sense my woman’s work would be acknowledged, just like her man’s.”
“Your woman?” Janae poked him in his shoulder. “May I remind you I’m an accomplished psychologist in my own right?”
“Don’t I know it. It’s because of you that my books are so good. Why don’t you come on over and I can introduce the fans to uptight, straight-laced but sexy, Dr. Young. They’d flip out to see who the fictional character was based off.”
“No way! Remember we said I’d consult as long as no one knew.” Janae straightened her suit collar. “Umm, do readers really think the doctor is hot?”
“Hell yeah, and so do I. Half the emails I get are asking when the MC’s get together or when I’m killing her off. Most mention she has that untapped heat to her.”
“Really.” Janae couldn’t help grinning at that.
“Look at you, eating it up.” Damon laughed amused. “You bookish types are always secretly looking for danger and excitement. I bet it turns you on knowing people might be lusting after you.”
“Maybe.” Janae discreetly grabbed his ass. “You’ll have to wait until we get home and find out”
Damond being Damond didn’t give a damn about discretion, bending down to give her a more than brief kiss on the lips.
“Later Professor, I can’t wait.”