“Knock it the hell off, Joss,” Sal growled.
Whether it was the blow to my cheek or the alcohol, I teetered off balance, tumbling to the ground.
“Ren deserves so much more than this,” he stated, leaning down to help Preston.
My vision blurred as I looked down at my bloody knuckles. Memories of the last time flashed through my mind, and I saw Abby battered and bloody. I shook away the thoughts as Sal lifted Preston to his feet. The mother fucker spit blood at me first and then spit the wad of tobacco in my direction.
“I’ll fucking kill you,” Preston barked.
“Shut up, Preston. You won’t kill anyone,” Sal said.
A nauseating wave of dizzies played with my head. I swiveled around, found Juliet and somehow navigated her back to the stable.
Chapter 26
Goodbye…
Ren
IN A MATTER of minutes, I shed the fanciest dress I’d ever worn, threw on my sweat shorts and a t-shirt, stayed barefoot, made sure Dad was tucked away, and then snuck outside to find Joss.
No lights. The entire place was dark. Crickets and cicadas screamed at me to stop. Shouted warnings, as I turned the door knob. It was a relief to know that Joss was stuck here at the ranch. This was his prison. He couldn’t run, and he couldn’t hide.
My feet stepped on something crumbly once inside. The pokes hurt but also broke beneath my feet. I looked down at the floor and then realized it was sheetrock. My eyes darted up to the walls where I found a hole the size of his fist next to the door.
My pulse vibrated beneath my skin. A low, slow, methodical, thrum brought every part of me to life. A raw mixture of anticipation and fear gave me the courage to continue walking. The chair we typically shared was turned over on its side. A lone, silent tear crawled down my cheek as I rounded the corner into the bedroom. The mattress…our mattress laid caddy corner on the box springs, and the sheets were face down like the mattress had been flipped.
The bathroom door was closed, and my stomach turned over with unexpected fear. My steps were quicker as I approached the door. Not until my hand reached for the knob, did I realize my entire body shook. When I slowly opened the door, darkness enveloped the room, but the sound of the shower spray filled the silence.
I flicked on the light, squinting at the brightness. I froze when I saw Joss in his boxer briefs on the floor of the shower. His knees bent and pulled against his chest. His hazy gaze lifted to meet mine through a squint of his own, but his entire body tremored. His lips were blueish.
Panicked, I grabbed a towel and ran to the shower. The freezing water bit my skin while I fought to wrap him in a towel
“Come,” I whispered, but Joss didn’t budge. I turned around, rotating the faucets off. “Now, Joss!” I demanded.
I grabbed his hands but was shocked to see raw, bloody skin on top of bruised, swollen knuckles.
“Joss!” I shouted in a shocked, rough whisper. “What have you done.”
“You belong with him,” he muttered with alcohol-laced breath.
“Don’t say that.”
A raw abrasion covered one of his cheeks, blood just beneath the skin.
I led him out of the bathroom as if he was unable to find his own way. I tried to put the bed back together, but it was easier to pull the mattress the rest of the way to the floor. Joss fell onto his back, still shivering. I blotted him with the towel, then lay down beside him and covered us up with the blanket. The bathroom light angled across the mattress. His blue lips scared me.
My hands frantically rubbed up and down his cold arms, creating friction in an attempt to warm him. My only goal was to help him, but I knew when I straddled him what he would think. His eyes didn’t open when I laid on top of him, blanketing his body with mine. I pressed my warm cheek to his, then switched to the other cheek. When his teeth chattered, I pecked his lips repeatedly, trying to give them warmth and life. His unresponsiveness scared me.
“Joss.”
His eyes opened, remaining at half-mast. “Ren.”
“What happened?” I asked. “What’s wrong?”
“You lied to me, that’s what.” He remained on his back but stared up at me.
“I never lied.”
“Omission is a lie.”
I couldn’t tell how serious he was. “I never meant to hurt you. This was something I had to do, Joss. Don’t you get it? Don’t you know? I love you! I’d have taken you, if I could have.”
The heaving in and out of his chest forced my body up and down since I blanketed him. “No, Ren, you don’t get it.” His words came out slow and thoughtful. “I’d have embarrassed you,” he said softly, his eyes closed. “I’d have punched any man that looked at you. I wouldn’t have known how to dance with you.” He seemed to border on sleep. “I don’t belong with a debutante. Hell, I don’t even know what one is.”
“It means nothing to me. You…you mean everything.”
A chuckle rumbled through his chest, vibrating my body. I wanted to take advantage of him as my body responded to his warming body beneath me and the vibration of his laughter. Maybe he would understand and comprehend sexual communication. Maybe then he’d understand.
“What’s so funny?” I ground my hips into him, turning myself on.
“I think it’s funny,” he paused. “I think it’s funny that I’m not the only ranch hand you apparently fucked. Did he mean everything too?”
My entire body froze, paralyzed in place on top of him. Stunned, my eyes searched his vacant, passed-out expression for words. Suddenly I was thrown back two and a half years ago to Sean attacking me in the horse stable. I felt the same inability to form words back then. I had froze in that moment, two years ago, when he grabbed me, forcing me to the ground. The smell of hay all around me. A smell I once loved. This was my house. My horse stables. My world. My body. Sean had been overly nice. Sickeningly nice. I never liked him. Even as he ripped my pants off my hips, a part of me expected it from him. My intuition was on point even at age 16.
I hadn’t thought about it for a while. Everything Joss and I had done—Sean Mathison never entered my mind. I thought I was free from all that pain and guilt and…fuck! Within hours of it happening, police were here handcuffing him and hauling him away.
That was the night the biggest rift between my father and me occurred. He was angry. He wanted Sean to be a brother to me just like Dad wanted Joss to be a brother. Dad wanted Sean to fill Reece’s footsteps. Somewhere between Sean pulling his own pants down, shoving his fingers inside of me, his threats of killing me and my family immobilized me in a state of fear. Relieved that his fingers were all that made it inside of me.
A wave of nausea whirled through my body, as I slid off of Joss. Words and past memories made me feel ill. How had he found out?
Once I got to my feet, a chill shuddered through me, reminding me of my wet clothes.
Joss cleared his throat. “Stay out of the slums, Ren.”
I didn’t look back at him. Tears dried making my cheeks stiff, my heart hardened hurting my chest, and I put one foot in front of the other forcing myself to walk out.
Chapter 27
Come back…
Joss
ROLLING OVER, MY head screamed in agony. The damp, cold towel wrapped around me was thrown off in a short second. I leaned back, looking for Ren. The empty mattress was on the floor. On my feet, I trudged into the living room, the bathroom and kitchen looking for her. My body was stiff as my steps quickened. The living room was destroyed. I remembered her being there. She was, wasn’t she? My mind struggled to recall the drunken memories. I remembered the sharpness in her tone trying to get me out of the shower. Yes, she was here.
A diluted memory of her straddling me and telling me I was her everything flitted through my brain. Then, my words echoed between my ears—the question about her fucking him, too. I’d wrestled with the thought all night—did I really say it?
Dragging my hands down the length of my face, I picked up
the recliner I vaguely recalled knocking over last night. I stared at the sheetrock on the floor and the massive hole by the front door. Another piece of collateral damage. I closed my eyes trying to remember what day it was. Sunday? That meant breakfast wasn’t until 8. I’d be there, ready to see her. I couldn’t recall how the conversation ended. But my guess was, it wasn’t good.
By the time 8 rolled around, I sat at the dining room table, forcing a smile at Key as she loaded the table. There was no place setting for Ren.
“Where’s Ren?” I asked.
“Mornin’, Joss,” Cal said gruffly, sitting down and immediately grabbing the biscuits and dumping a load of gravy on top of them. “Ren tell you goodbye?”
I swallowed. “Excuse me?”
“Ren. She left last night after the dance. Went back to her mother’s. Something happened at that dance, I think.” His voice was heavy with a mix of anger and sadness. He took a hefty bite of his biscuits and gravy. “She said nothing to you, Key?”
Key shook her head to the question, but her gaze lifted to meet mine. Quickly, I glanced away. I didn’t know what Key knew. Her look told me something. She handed me the gravy.
The last thing I wanted to do was eat. I wanted to vomit from the hangover and my attention wasn’t on food, it was focused on the words being said. Ren was gone. I had no recollection of her reaction to my accusations.
I took a bite of a dry biscuit that seemed to get only drier in my mouth.
Key touched my battered and bruised hand. “Joss, you’re hot with fever. Why don’t you go back to your room and I’ll bring you some medicine?”
Cal’s eye rose to mine. “You ok, Joss?”
I shook my head. “Just not feeling the best, sir.”
“Well, go on then. Go get some rest and I’ll check in on you later.”
I nodded, laid my fork down, glanced over at Key and then walked my fever-free body back to my place. By the time I got inside, I couldn’t catch my breath. Maybe it was because my heart pounded so forcefully against my ribs, it stole the air from my lungs.
Ren would come back, right? I’d hurt her. And, I didn’t have the luxury of having a phone to reach her. I couldn’t chase after her. Silence was the only thing between us until she came back.
The knock on the door startled me. Key came in with a bowl of something and some orange juice.
“You know damn good and well, I ain’t sick. But, thank you.”
She set the stuff on the end table and sat.
“I had to get you out of there, Joss. You don’t hide your feelings well.”
I leaned forward, staring at the ground with my elbows on my knees. Key was the last person I wanted to discuss this with.
“Did you hurt her?”
I shot nothing but angry eyes at her. “I’d never hurt her,” I said softly, but my clenched teeth were a warning.
“She knows about us. I can tell by the way she is with me. What made you tell her?” Key wasn’t angry. Her tone was kind.
“There is no us. It was a kiss. Nothing more. And, I didn’t tell her. You did. She was in here when you came by that day. She heard the entire conversation.”
A huff of breath shot up her throat. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry.”
I kept quiet.
“I suppose she had a lot of questions.”
“I have a lot of questions, Key. I certainly couldn’t answer hers. Why did that happen?”
I chanced looking at her. Her black mane of hair served as a curtain between us.
“I don’t know, really.” Her thick accent was sometimes difficult to understand. “I get lonely here too. We were both alone that night. You seemed so sad. I just wanted to do something to make you forget if only for a few minutes.”
I understood more than she would ever know. That’s exactly how I felt about Abby. I’d have done anything to bring her happiness. Putting my own aside.
Everyone was looking for some sort of connection. Cal was looking to replace what he lost. Key was looking for a connection. I didn’t feel like I was looking for anything, but Ren was a gamechanger.
“I’m sorry, Joss.”
“Don’t.” I didn’t want to make her feel bad. As angry as I was that Ren left, it wasn’t Key’s fault. She had protected me on two separate occasions. “I know you weren’t trying to hurt me. Neither of us knew what was going to happen.”
“What has happened?” she asked. “Don’t get in too deep.”
“I’m as deep as it goes. Please don’t lecture me. I know I fucked up. I know she’s off limits. I know the risk.” I laid back, actually feeling sick by that point.
“I need to get back inside, Joss. But I need to tell you something. A couple of years ago, there was a kid here. His name was Sean. Cal took a chance on him. His criminal history wasn’t good, but Cal wanted to give him a shot. He hurt Ren.”
My eyes jumped up to hers. “Hurt her how?”
A semi-shrug. “They were in the horse stables. He’d only been here for a couple of weeks.” Key covered her face with her palms, shaking off the thoughts.
I shot upright and began to pace. There was no part of me that wanted to hear this.
“What did he do?” I grit out, feeling a rush to destroy.
“When Sal got there, her pants had been ripped off, Sean’s were down around his knees. He was on top of her. Sal ran colliding with him knocking him off of her.” Key’s voice broke.
I concentrated on my breathing—in and out… when all I really wanted to do was annihilate someone I didn’t know.
Key stood up wiping tears I hadn’t realized fell. “Ren is strong. She plastered a smile on her face, assuring all of us she was fine. Cal made her go to the hospital, of course. Sal beat the guy to near death. Sal’s one of the reasons Cal chose you. Plus the relatives.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sal understood what you felt and why you did what you did for Abby. I’m not sure Sal or Cal should ever know about Ren. I don’t know, Joss. I don’t know what the answer is.”
I didn’t like how everyone around here spoke as if they knew Abby. But, I really did think maybe I was coming down with something. The searing pain shooting through my head was a mixture of alcohol and regret. Anger laced everything. Anger at Preston for the things he said. Anger at myself for believing him. Anger at Ren for leaving.
Key stood up to leave. “I’m sorry,” she whispered before she walked out.
I didn’t know what she was sorry for, but I completely felt where she was coming from. I was sorry too.
Chapter 28
Keyona
Five months later . . .
I DREW MY backhand across my forehead as hairs dangled in my face. My back ached, and I was so dang tired, but I removed my last batch of cookies from the oven. The lights of the gator spilled into the living room later than normal. I peered out the door to see Joss shuffle to his place. His long beard and slumped shoulders a fair indication of the past five months. They hadn’t been easy on him. On any of us really, but especially on him.
For the past five months, he didn’t come in at breakfast, lunch or dinner. Cal barely came out of his office and Ren…Ren hadn’t been back since. I still didn’t know what was said between them, but something had gone way wrong. The entire ranch seemed back to an emotionally crippled state.
As I cleaned up the kitchen, I thought about Ren and Reece when I slid the warm cookies into the box. They loved to frost and decorate the Christmas cookies. Cal did too but he’d become a recluse. Sal had managed to maintain the ranch without a problem. With Ren gone, it was as if Cal had lost both kids.
He’d barely spoken to me since our argument. Rarely did I butt into family life. I knew my place and I cherished where I fit in on the ranch. I replayed the night in my mind, wondering if I should have just stayed quiet but at that point the entire ranch just began to emotionally shut down. Something had to be done. I remembered as I cleaned the kitchen, Cal coming in that night. Ren had been gone about
a month.
“Ren won’t tell me what I did,” he said that night.
“I don’t think you did anything. I think something happened at the cotillion.” I took a bite to prevent myself from saying more.
“Regardless of the reason. She left you, me, her brother.”
“Cal. She’s at college. And, Joss is not her brother.”
He laid his fork down. “I didn’t mean like real brother. You know what I mean. They had developed a bond.”
Wiping my mouth with my napkin. I stared at him. “No type of brother. He is a man. She is a woman. They are not related in any way. Do you understand that?”
The vein in his neck protruded. “Keyona, do you think I don’t know that Joss is not my son. The reason I know he isn’t my son is because my son, Reece,” he heavily emphasized his name, “was killed.” Cal shoved away from the table. “In case you don’t remember, he was killed because I didn’t let him have a pool party and drink.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Cal. None of it was your fault.”
“What did he do, Key? He went out and drank anyway, but instead of having a safe place to do it, I turned him away!” He slammed his hand down on table, rattling the dishes. “Don’t tell me it’s not my fault!” he shouted, storming to the office where he spent the majority of his time.
I glanced around the empty table that night. My disjointed family was falling apart and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Even four months later, Cal barely spoke, Joss was nothing but a workhorse, and Ren, I wasn’t sure when we’d see her again, but I was hopeful since it was Christmas break.
The worn recipe for pecan pie was stuck to the molasses cookie note card. I pulled them apart, laying them out so I could start first thing in the morning. I blew out the candle in the kitchen, shutting the kitchen down for the night.
The Christmas tree lights lit the living room, and I sat only for a minute to observe the work I’d put in earlier. The spirit of Christmas was missing within the family, but I closed my eyes. I inhaled a deep breath trying to inspire myself to keep things going.
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