“I love you, Ren. He’s no good for you. I did it for you. For us.”
I stared at Evan as I reached behind me to pull Sal up beside me. “There will never be an us. Sal. I don’t want him on our property. Ever again.”
Sal stepped forward, motioning for Evan to go, blood still dripping from his nose. I didn’t wait around to watch him leave. I needed to speak with my father.
Chapter 33
Ranch vs Reality
Joss
I STARED STRAIGHT ahead, never looking back at Ren. Anger boiled inside as I thought about her talking to her father. What did she expect was going to happen? For whatever senseless reason, she thought the man didn’t love her. Maybe now she’d realize just how much he did love her. What father would want his daughter to throw her life away on a deadbeat convict?
“Ren Briscoe, huh?” the guard in the front snickered.
This wasn’t my first brush with the law. I knew better than to react to their words. That was one fight I would lose. I ignored the comment.
“Every man in Texas wants to fuck her,” the other guy laughed.
Long, slow breaths. In and out. I tried to calm myself. Anxiety filled my chest cavity with its prickling daggers. Once again, the unknown had reared its head in my life. I wanted to Hulk the shit out of this van and destroy these fuckers.
The van pulled up next to the ridiculously tall, intimidating fence. Brax had never let me visit Jake, but I certainly wished I had. Jail was different than prison. I’d only ever been to jail. An electronic gate slowly pulled open, and we drove through. Once parked, the officers helped me down out of the van. I wondered if that was for the camera’s sake. They were all over the place.
Outside of trying to fuck with me in the van about Ren, the men had been nice. One of them grasped onto my upper arm and motioned me forward through the open gate. It closed before the next one opened. I’d never been claustrophobic, but with each click of every lock behind me, the restricted feeling snaked around me. And we were still outside.
Inside it was worse. The metal doors were solid, not what I expected. Each time the hum of the door unlocking clicked, my throbbing pulse raced, unsure of what was on the other side. Behind the next door, a man sat behind a counter. Upon approach, he placed a light brown jumpsuit and a pair of rubber sandals on the countertop. One of the guys from the van unlocked my handcuffs and pointed to an adjoining room, where he joined me.
“Undress.”
I set the stuff on the metal bench, sat next to it and untied my boots. When I unfastened and slid my jeans down, I couldn’t help but notice the dude staring at me. There was no way I was going to let him intimidate me. I dropped my boxer briefs, unabashedly, replacing them with the disgusting prison-issued briefs. The jumpsuit was loose.
“I need that,” he said, pointing at my neck.
The necklace. My necklace. I lifted it over my neck, staring at the silver half-heart. At the engraved R. The bird. I forced a dry swallow before handing it to him, making a mental note of his name tag. Oscar Tipton.
He dropped my treasure into a manila envelope and sealed it. After sliding my feet into the socks, I stepped into the rubber sandals. A big change from my boots. All of this was a big change. I shook my head, disgusted at myself.
The clang of the bars locking in front of me couldn’t really be described as a clanging. There was no question it was a lock, but much heavier than a clang. Two empty bunks, one toilet, a sink and two small metal desks. I plunked my sheets on the top bunk, claiming it until told differently. I made the bed and sat on it, wondering what would happen next. It was a far cry from my quarters at the ranch.
My mind kept flashing to Ren’s screams. Her begging. Embarrassed that I was in handcuffs in front of her, I refused to meet her eyes. I wanted to be someone else in her eyes. I crashed on the bed comforted to be in the small cell alone.
About an hour later, the bars in front of my cell buzzed, clicking open. I assumed that meant it was time for something. I hopped off the bed, peeked out and saw a line of inmates filing past. I stepped into the line.
“Don’t you fuckin’ look at me, bitch,” the guy in front of me spat out after I caught his eyes.
My heart jumped through my jumpsuit, and I quietly prayed, to a God that I barely believed in, that no one noticed. Keeping my eyes down, my mind fired a thousand directions, trying to decide how I was going to handle this. Resolution hit me.
“I ain’t your bitch, you bastard.” My fists were clenched and ready.
He whirled around to glare at me, exposing decayed, rotten teeth. He maybe had a few pounds on me, but this would be a fair fight. “What’d you say to me?”
“I said, fuck you.” I took a step toward him broadening my chest with a deep breath.
“I’ll kill you fucka.”
I snickered. “I ain’t met a mother fucker who could do that, yet.”
“Beasley! Turn around,” someone shouted from behind us.
After a short stare off, he bumbled around, falling in behind the line that had already started moving.
“You got a problem, Beasley?” the guard asked as we passed.
“No problem.”
“You got a problem, Hess?” the guard asked me.
“No, sir.”
The smell of the food hit me before we’d gotten into the room. It reminded me of a school cafeteria. The line moved fairly swiftly. All the while, I kept my eyes rotating around me, wanting to protect my back. The workers slopped some sort of shit on the plastic tray. I didn’t know where to sit and was pretty confident the room was filled with gangs and cliques. No place was I welcome. I followed Beasley, which would be the last thing anyone would expect me to do. Unpredictability was good. He sat. I sat across from him.
“Wha da fuck?” he mumbled with his mouth already full.
I wasn’t hungry and I sure as hell wasn’t eating this shit.
Suddenly, he flipped his tray, spraying me with the slop as his fist nailed my temple. My tray unexpectedly flipped up, spraying me with food then cracking me in the nose as his other fist blasted my cheek bone. I fell back onto the floor as a roar of voices erupted around us. My hands slid in the muck of food that spilled around me. Beasley shot around the table, and I kicked him in the nuts before he made it any closer, sending him crumbling to the floor.
From behind, someone plucked me off the ground.
“Come on, Hess.” The guard forcefully grabbed my arm and stormed off in a different direction.
When the steel door slammed behind me, I stared into the absolute darkness. The hole, I assumed. Safety enveloped me even in the darkness. This was way better than being out there so, what-the-hell-ever. Sort of reminded me of my room back home. I lay on the thin mattress staring up at the ceiling. Last time I had lain on a cot, in a cell, Abby had died. This time, I’d lost Ren. I was 0 for 2. To say I had lost was an understatement.
Chapter 34
Plexi-glass
Ren
BY THE TIME my father came out of his room, I had my SUV packed. I’d taken most everything out of my room. I wasn’t coming back. Ever. Sal sat on the front stoop with Key. They’d both tried to talk me out of this, but I couldn’t do it anymore.
“Ren?” Daddy said, stepping outside. “What are you doing?”
I spun around shocked that he had the nerve to ask. I slid my hands in my pockets and leaned back against my car.
“Getting away from you. That’s what. You just ruined Joss’s life. Do you even understand? Ever since Reese died, you have done nothing but search for a new son while ignoring your daughter,” I spoke emotionless.
“Ren,” Sal grunted.
“No, Sal. You know what I’m saying is truth,” I snapped hatefully.
“Daddy. Joss is a good guy and everything you would ever want for me, but you were blind to what was happening right under your nose because you can’t see anything!”
“What are you talking about?”
“Exactly!” I
yelled. “Joss loves me, and I love him, Daddy.” My anger turned to tears. “You trusted Evan. You didn’t even ask me.”
Daddy threw Sal a look. Sal only stared back.
“You can’t love, Joss.”
“Why, Daddy? Because he’s your son? He’s not!”
“Stop talking like this, Ren Faith Briscoe. Right now!”
My heart cracked fully. He would always chase Reese’s memory. That was all he had room for in his heart. I turned away from him and headed toward my car.
“I love you guys!” I waved at Key and Sal.
Both of them walked toward me, embracing me in hugs.
“Merry Christmas, honey,” Key whispered. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I turned to Sal. “Is there anything you can do?”
He reared back, looking at me. “For your dad or Joss?”
I shrugged. “Either.” Tears fell, and Sal’s rough finger swiped them away.
“I don’t know,” he whispered. “I’ll keep you posted.”
“Ren. Please,” my dad begged from behind me, and it truly broke me. He’d lost my brother. He’d lost my mother. And honestly, he was losing me too. I couldn’t deal with his inability to cope any longer. I looked at him, waiting for him to say something more. Nothing.
Tears flooded my eyes. I looked down at my car keys, shook my head and got in. I felt a tremendous pang of frustration and hurt curl in my gut as I started the engine. I drove off without bothering to look back.
After spending the night at Mom’s, I’d called ahead to the prison to find out if I could visit. I’d never been to our state penitentiary, but I had to talk to Joss. I had to try. My body still ached, in a satisfying way, from our night together. Memories flooded my mind with every twist or turn that caused a twinge of longing.
When I got out of the car, I took a deep breath and walked in with the other people visiting inmates on Christmas Eve. Some looked at me funny, as if they might have recognized me. I didn’t care.
Once inside, I followed the herd of people signing in. I watched women put purses in lockers. People at the front of the line had their driver’s licenses out, so I pulled mine from my wallet. The lady in front of me smelled funny. Musty. Not clean. Everyone but me seemed to know what to do. Finally, after about twenty minutes, I stepped to the front of the line.
“Inmate number?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
“Name?”
“Joss Hess.”
“Last name?” she popped her gum.
“Hess.”
She handed me a funny looking key. “Locker over there to put your stuff in.”
I found the locker, put my bag and phone inside and then got back in the line following the crowd. My stomach twisted into a nervous mess. I fought tears, certain this wasn’t a place I wanted to cry. A little girl in front of me turned around offering a smile. I smiled back even it was the wrong emotion I felt. Dried peanut butter and jelly residue lingered around her mouth, and her tongue licked over her chapped lips.
It took a while for the line to diminish, but when it was my turn, part of me wanted to spin around and run. Escape while I could. I walked through a metal detector then followed a guard who guided me past several station-like cubicles where people sat talking to inmates on the other side of the glass. Just like in the movies. This was it—no turning back. I wanted to puke.
The guard pointed to an empty station. I sat in the hard, plastic chair. Waiting. Staring at the glass. My heart jackhammered against my chest, robbing me of breath. I pressed my hands against my legs in a failed attempt to stop them from nervously bouncing up and down.
Joss rounded the corner. He stopped, staring at me, but didn’t sit. My God, his entire face was black and blue. Instinctively, my hand slapped over my mouth to prevent the gasp. Without warning, tears fell. Joss’s jaw tightened. He needed strength not weakness. I pointed to the phone. He licked his lips, looked around him and then sat. I placed my hand flush with the glass, waiting for him to return the gesture. He picked up the phone. So did I. But his hand didn’t find mine on the glass.
“Hi,” I whispered.
Joss’s eyes closed as he seemed to take in a deep breath. Across the bridge of his nose was a dried, bloody gash. An abrasion on his cheek. Swelling over the opposite eye.
“What happened?”
“Why are you here, Ren?”
“I needed to see you. To explain.”
“No explanation necessary. You can go.”
Tears stung my eyes again and streamed down my face.
“Please, don’t. This is awful and unfortunate and…”
“Unfortunate?” he asked, cutting me off.
“Joss. I’m sorry. Sal. He said he’s working on it.”
Joss huffed a laugh beneath his breath. “Now that I’m here Ren, there’s no going back. Look, when they told me I had a visitor, I was expecting Brax. I’m not sure if he knows I’m here.”
“I can tell him,” I said quickly, wanting to do anything to make him feel better.
“Why are you here?”
My chin quivered. “I need to know we are ok. We are still an us.”
His face clouded with a mask of confusion. “Ren.” He shot upright. “See this glass between us? This is pretty indicative of our world. Not just in here but outside these walls too. Don’t be so naïve. Our worlds collided, but that doesn’t mean we belong in each other’s worlds.”
He went to hang up.
“Joss!” I yelled, hitting the glass.
The phone barely touched his ear, but I knew he was listening.
“I love you. I’ll love us enough for both of us until you see.”
“Loving you isn’t the problem, Ren. That’s the easy part.” He hung up the receiver and walked out of my view. I sat stunned. It never occurred to me that this would go as badly as it did. I buried my face in my hands and cried. I just cried.
Chapter 35
Moving day…
Brax
CHRISTMAS EVE AND the old man was drunk and passed out. The trailer reeked of stale liquor and piss. I tossed the last few things in the box while Ella waited in the truck. I’d already moved all of Joss’s things out. Those were the first things to go. After gathering anything that held even the slightest memory of Mom, I tucked it into the box and left Pop laying in the middle of the floor. A common place.
Ella sat shotgun in the truck and smiled warmly when I walked out. I wasn’t proud of this side of my life, and I’d hid it in the beginning. She had asked for honesty, so honesty is what she got. I refused to introduce her to the old man. Not sure I ever would. There was no way I’d let him get that close to her.
A black Range Rover pulled up the drive before I got to the truck.
“Who the hell?” I said out loud. A Range Rover had never made its way back here before. The windows were tinted, but I made out Ren Briscoe in the driver’s seat as soon as she got close enough. She hopped out and met me at the front of the car.
“What’s wrong?” I asked knowing this wasn’t a social call.
Her red, splotchy face was streaked from tears.
“They took him away,” she cried, embracing me in a hug. I pushed her back so I could see her face.
“Who, Ren? Who took him?”
“The prison people,” she wept. “They came and got him because Evan told my father that…”
“He’s in the prison outside of town?”
She nodded. “Yes.”
“I gotta go. Thank you for letting me know.”
I tossed the box of mementos in the bed of the truck, jumped in the cab and fired up the truck.
“Is that Ren Briscoe?” Ella asked in her smooth, beautiful voice.
“Yep. We need to run an errand. That ok?”
“Of course. She’s pretty.”
“Ah. Nothing on you, baby. Nothing on you.”
She smiled and slid her hand across my thigh.
I had to go pay a vis
it to Jake Hess in the pen. Ella might finally meet my oldest brother.
Chapter 36
Ride or die…
Joss
AFTER 24 HOURS in solitaire, Ren’s visit and checking in for medical attention, I was surprised by the very first thing I was asked upon rejoining the general population, “Are you Jake Hess’s brother?” I wasn’t sure how word had spread so quickly, but it had. Never, in all the years of being embarrassed and sad that my older brother was a criminal did I imagine his contacts would come in handy.
The last image seared in my brain of Ren was her tear-streaked face and a bruise on her right cheek. It took every ounce of restraint not to ask what had happened. But Ren was out of my life and I had to concentrate on the men in front of me.
I didn’t know any of them when I got there; but over the next several months, I got to know them pretty well. They became my brothers, oddly, in a way that Jake never was. Though I loved him and would always be loyal to my oldest brother, I hoped someday we’d find our way to a better brotherhood.
One day, we all stood at mail call. I knew my name would be called. Ren wrote letters every day. Literally, every single day. And, every single one I’d declined. Unread. My guess is they got tossed but holding onto something that would never be wasn’t my sort of thing. So, I let it go.
“Hess?” the guard said, holding up the red envelope.
I shook my head. He threw it on the table. Daily ritual. He shook his head not understanding why.
I didn’t know how I’d feel if my name wasn’t called. I knew her well enough to know that wouldn’t happen. She was nothing if not persistent.
Brax would be here today, and I couldn’t wait to see him. Weekend visitation was the highlight of my life. When I rounded the divider, his smile was as excited as mine. I straddled the seat, nabbing the phone off the wall.
“What’s up?” I said.
“How are you?” he asked, more serious. He worried enough for both of us.
“Things are fine. Jake really pulled through for me. He’s still in a different cell block so I’ve never seen him. But somehow, he got word over here in D. I have some good news. I’ll be out at the end of the month.”
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