“Abby,” I nearly whispered. Just saying her name still hurt sometimes.
Ren’s eyes rounded. Did she know I knew?
“Did you not think it was important to mention somewhere along the line that she was your first cousin?”
Suddenly, Ren went underwater, swam the length of the pool then emerged in front of me. Her lashes stuck together and yet so beautiful as she blinked her eyes.
“How’d you find out?” she asked softly.
“Brax saw you guys in a newspaper picture. He showed it to me. That’s why I was here that night you came home.”
A small black smudge shadowed beneath Ren’s eyes. “I’m not angry,” I added. It’s funny how what happened with Ren and my father put things into perspective. “But why didn’t you tell me?”
“Tell you what? That I was the first cousin to the girl you loved? The girl that died?” Ren closed her eyes. “I didn’t know what to say. And you and I were so hot and cold at that point. I was so scared to say it. I was so scared it would have driven a wedge between us.”
Her words made sense to me, though just a day ago, it was hard to wrap my head around.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’ve thought about telling you many times, but I was scared of…” she paused staring at me. Those eyes that day took on a butterscotch tone.
“Scared of what?”
“Losing you. Abby and I had talked about you a couple of times. I felt super shitty after I found out who you were. I was angry at my dad for bringing you here. First, because of her, and my relationship with her. Then because of you. I remembered how she talked about you and there was this draw to you I’d never be able to explain. After I found out who you were.” Ren shook her head as she dunked her head back in the water. “I didn’t know what to feel. But then it became clearer and clearer to me that whatever I was feeling, I couldn’t fight it. You…you lit my world.”
“Was there any part of you that was with me because of the things Abby had said to you?” I held my breath for about ten seconds waiting for her to answer.
She swam over to me. Right between my legs. “No. I promise. In fact, it fluttered through my mind, what in the hell did she ever see in this guy?” She laughed and pushed off the concrete stair.
My lids lowered as I glowered at her. I dived shallowly in her direction. It was so damn cute that she thought for a second, she could get away from me. Two big arm strokes and I caught her feet pulling her underwater. Instinctively, her legs wrapped around my waist. Even underwater, our eyes met—hers laughing. I pressed my lips to hers and it wasn’t until she fought for air that we surfaced. Her laughter was the first thing I heard. And I knew, it was the last thing in this life I ever wanted to hear.
Chapter 44
Firsts…
Ren
“JOSS, RELAX. IT’S the safest way of traveling.”
I tried to pry his hands off the armrest but that was a no go. So as the plane taxied out, I watched him stiff as a board, eyes clenched, taking slow and steady breaths.
“Look, you big weenie, it’s an hour flight. It’ll go by quicker if you just talk to me.” I leaned into him laughing then brushed a kiss over his lips.
“Don’t play, Ren. Nothing about seventy-five tons of metal flying through the air makes sense. I just want to be there already.”
“You can have an adult beverage, you know?”
“I’m worried about dying, Bird. A shot of alcohol isn’t going to make that go away.”
I giggled. “What about the mile-high club?”
One of his eyes popped open. “That might take the edge off.” A slight grin touched his lips, but I knew he wasn’t going to move out of the security of his seat for anything.
Once we were finally on the ground in Kansas City, Joss breathed deep again.
“That wasn’t so bad,” he said, rubbing his hands and suddenly full of life.
I smacked him in the arm. “Whatever. Your first flight is over. Now you just have a drive back. Surely you can manage that?”
He lifted my bag down from the overhead compartment. “Leaving you here is going to be the hardest thing I’ve done.”
A lady in the row behind us placed her hand over her heart and said, “Aww.” Joss didn’t look at her, but I did.
“He’s a catch,” I giggled. “My catch.”
After we grabbed the rental car, we started the forty-minute trek to Lawrence. I was nervous about the sorority girls meeting Joss. I knew exactly what they’d see. And, I’m not sure I trusted a single one of them.
Joss parked in front of my sorority house on the KU campus. Some of the girls that were moving stuff inside squealed, bolting over to us. I hugged Karina and Harper, introducing them to Joss. Both were overly friendly and gazed at him like he was a shining star. Joss chuckled, staring only at me and carried the majority of my bags solo.
Showing Joss through the sorority was my only shot to show him around. The standing rule of no guys in the house was effective tonight at midnight and would last for the year. A couple of the Delta guys walked out the front door as we walked in.
“Hey, McCormack,” they both greeted me.
“Hey, guys.”
Joss cocked the one brow on his head that always served as a question mark in disguise. “McCormack?”
“After the movie Footloose. Ren McCormack,” I laughed. “Dumb story.”
“Never seen it.”
We navigated up the stairs to my room. I was excited to see my new room. Cassidy was already in there.
“Hey you!” she squeaked.
I hugged her while Joss sat the bags on the unmade bed.
“Cass, this is Joss.”
“Hey! Nice to meet you, Joss. I’ve heard tons about you.”
Something flickered across his face before he killed her with his smile and head tilt.
“Cass, beer pong at the frat when McCormack gets here,” Drake said poking his head in the door.
Cassidy pointed at me.
“Oh, welcome back,” he said coming in for a hug then stopping in his tracks when he spotted Joss. Drake back stepped.
“You must be the guy.”
“If by the guy you mean the one that will fucking destroy anything that comes near her, yep, I’m that guy.”
“Joss…” I whispered, laying my hand flush against his chest.
Drake grinned. “I get it, bro. You’re welcome to come have a beverage too.”
“He has to drive back to Texas tonight,” I said with a pouty lip.
“I’d love a beer,” Joss added, and I couldn’t help but grin. This was going to turn into a dick measuring contest.
Simply shrugging, I said, “Let’s go.”
Chapter 45
Just a boy…
Joss
“I’D RATHER YOU not drink and drive,” she whispered as we rounded the corner of the house.
“Bird, you know me better than to back down to a challenge, especially from a douche bag frat boy.”
“Drake didn’t really challenge you; he offered you a beer.”
“Exactly.”
She giggled. “You’re silly.”
It looked like a box of Lucky Charms spilled across the back yard with the sea of pastel polo’s, khaki shorts and Sperry’s. There was also the occasional red or blue shirt and the damn short shorts on these girls.
“Did you bring your jean shorts with the little pockets that stick out?”
“Yep,” she grinned.
“Those will be accompanying me on my trip back to Texas.”
She rolled her eyes. “Do you understand how much I love you, Joss Hess? You have nothing to worry about here.”
I winked at her. “These guys remind me of Evan. A bunch of accountants or dentists,” I laughed. “Sometimes I wonder what it is you see with me.”
“You mean besides my entire future?”
A slight smile touched my lips. “What have you told everyone about me? Do they know I served time?”
The guy from Ren’s room earlier was talking to a group of guys that eyeballed me as we walked up.
“McCormack. How are you?”
“I’m good,” she said. “This is Joss.”
I’m sure I stood out. I had the khaki shorts part down, but my Lynyrd Skynyrd shirt was vintage. Ren had bought it for me.
I nodded at my introduction, but it was clear they were intrigued.
“You want to play, or you just want a beer?”
“Ren would prefer I not drink, so I’m gonna have to pass.”
Ren squeezed my hand. She was all that mattered.
“Now that’s one pussy-whipped mother fucker, right there,” some guy chuckled, holding up his beer.
As true as his words were, my chest swelled as I took five steps toward the disrespectful asshole…my fists ready to pop.
“Joss, no!” Ren shrieked.
Pussy-whipped comment boy in his lime sherbet colored shirt backed away, falling over a cooler. My hands may not have touched him, but my eyes murdered the fuck out of him.
One of the other guys looked down at the guy on the ground. “You’re an idiot.”
The lime sherbet kid shook his head. “Dude, I do not want to fight you.”
“Apologize to Ren,” I growled.
“Ren. I’m sorry,” he said quickly.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“Seriously, man. I did not intend to be disrespectful. You looked like you would murder me,” he said, scrambling to his feet.
I spun into her, “Walk me out, now” I said beneath my breath.
Instantly, she took my hand in hers, steered me through the crowd, around the fraternity and to the rental car. It wasn’t until we neared the car that she finally questioned me.
“What’s wrong?”
A few stray stands of hair fell near her eyes. I tucked them behind her ear.
“I know this is your life. I know this is how things are gonna be for a while. These boys are everything I’m not and everything I don’t want to be.” I shook off the anger and frustration I was feeling. “If I stay, I’m going to fight. It’s who I am, and, in my head, it’s justified. I think it is just best if I go.”
Tears pooled in her eyes, reminding me how much I truly loved that honey color.
“You’re angry at me?” I asked.
When she shook her head, tears spilled over. “No,” she said softly. “I just already miss you. And, I’m so proud of you. I don’t think he meant to be disrespectful.”
“I know. I’ll never tolerate that around you. Fighting will always be my first instinct.”
She grinned. “I find it kinda sexy, honestly.”
“Baby, I’ll go beat the shit out of every one of those preppy fuckers.”
Her giggle slayed me. I remembered how once upon a time, a long time ago—not so long ago, I fought to ever laugh at her. I refused to give her the satisfaction. I still rolled my eyes—I would never let her think she was funnier than me.
Before I knew it, her arms were around me with her head buried in my chest. I didn’t do well with goodbyes. My mother had said goodbye to Brax and me years ago—we’d never seen her since.
“Don’t say goodbye, ok?” she asked.
I swiped the tears on her face. It was as if she’d read my mind.
“It’ll never be goodbye, Ren. It’ll be until.”
Leaning into her, I brushed her lips with three tender pecks before taking full possession of her mouth one last time. Moving quickly, I got in the car, started it and pulled off in a matter of seconds. When I glanced into the rearview mirror, my girl was holding up I love you in sign language. The funny thing was, I knew she did. She really did.
As I drove through Lawrence, Kansas, I appreciated it was the coolest of little towns. I wondered if I’d ever call this home. Pulling onto the highway, for the first time in my life, I realized the saying “Home is where the heart is”, was true for me. My heart was Ren’s and home would be wherever she was.
_______________
Even after driving the majority of the night and being completely exhausted, I knew as dawn crept into the darkness, there was one place I needed to go. I’d thought about it multiple times during the drive. The house was dark in the early morning hours. My throat grew dry while sitting in the familiar driveway. The Texas heat only made it worse when I opened the door.
“Shit,” I whispered beneath my breath. Memories overwhelmed me as I took the steps two at a time.
I closed my eyes, inhaling the deepest of breaths, and then rang the bell. A long minute later, Mrs. Whitman opened the door in her robe.
“Oh, Joss,” she cried, slapping her hand over her mouth. Emotion stirred in my chest. I hadn’t seen them since my court hearing. “How are you? It’s so good to see you.”
I stepped into her outstretched arms out of obligation, but it felt awkward.
“Travis,” she hollered weakly pulling away. “Please come in, Joss.”
The memorable smell of the home comforted me but seemed foreign after all this time. Mr. Whitman rounded the corner, nearly crashing into me.
“Excuse me, sir,” I said stepping out of his way.
“Joss.” His tone held surprise. “You’re out. Released. Out. I’m sorry, I’m not sure the word, but it is so good to see you.”
He too came in for the hug. I didn’t want to tell them how long I’d been out. I should have come sooner.
“I just needed to see you. I wanted to say I’m sorry,” I choked out as my throat tightened.
“No, Joss. Please don’t,” Mrs. Whitman cried. “Over the past year and a half, we have spoken to witnesses. Watched the video from the movie theater. You did nothing wrong but love our daughter.”
I sat on the bench in the entry way. “I did love her.”
“We know that, Joss. And Abby loved you.”
I wiped my eyes with my thumb and index finger, trying to dry the shed tears. “Thank you for the opportunity at the ranch. It changed my life.”
Mr. Whitman smiled. “We hoped it would be a positive experience. Cal Briscoe is a good man.”
I nodded. “Yes. I, uh. This is hard to say.”
“You’ve fallen in love with Ren?” Mrs. Whitman said, surprising me.
“Yes.” I didn’t want this news to hurt them more.
Mr. Whitman took in a deep breath as Mrs. Whitman shed more tears. Regret on so many levels ate at me.
“Joss. We support any relationship you pursue as long as it is good for you. You deserve that. We both know that our Abby was living on borrowed time as it was.” His voice cracked. “You deserve a girl like Ren, and Ren deserves a man like you. It makes us happy.” He paused, caressing his wife’s back. “The reality of knowing our little girl will never walk down the aisle or graduate from college or have children,” he sobbed, causing my own tears to fall. “But you gave her so much, and we will forever be grateful for that.”
Mr. Whitman fell into me with a crushing embrace. “Thank you,” he whispered.
Hugging him back, I had no words for his appreciation and gratefulness, but I prayed my hug would be enough.
“Joss, make this second chance at life a good one.”
I nodded, listening to his words and taking them to heart.
Before I left, they gave me pictures of me and Abby they had printed off her phone. I didn’t look at them and wasn’t sure I could. But I accepted them and took them with me. Maybe in time. They also informed me where she was buried. That would be another stop in this journey.
The minute I was back in the car, I dialed Ren to tell her what I’d done.
“Hey, you.” She picked up on the second ring, sounding sleepy.
“I’m sorry. I woke you, didn’t I?”
“It’s ok. I’m glad you called. You made it back?”
“Yep. I wanted you to know that I stopped at the Whitman’s. It was something that I
needed to do.”
Silence from her end.
“Bird?”
“I’m here. I’m glad you did. Did you see Aunt Fran and Uncle Travis?”
It was odd hearing her say the words but something we agreed to let rest. “I didn’t do it to upset you. I needed it, Ren. Yes, I saw them both.”
“I get it. I’m not upset. It just surprised me. That’s all.”
Yawning, I turned into a convenience store parking lot. “I’m sorry. I’m so damn tired, I’m not thinking straight.”
“Did it go ok?”
“Yeah. More than. They were kind and forgiving. I’m glad I went.”
“I’m glad too. You headed home?”
“Yep. Grabbing a bite to eat, then crashing,” I said getting out of the car and strolling into the store.
“I miss you so much.”
“I miss you too, baby.”
From the corner of my eye, I saw the grown man twisting the little boy’s ear. I knew what he was doing because my ear had been twisted more times than I could count.
“I’m going to the bathroom. Stay right here,” the man growled at the kid. The little guy had green, faded bruising beneath his right eye.
“I gotta go,” I said to Ren, disconnecting the call before she responded. I shoved the phone in my front pocket. Following the asshole into the bathroom, I washed my hands as he peed in the urinal. The mirror reflected his every move. When he was done, I grabbed the paper towels and started drying. He was zipping up and started for the door. Of course, the mother fucker didn’t wash his hands.
Tossing the wet paper towels in the trash, I lunged for him, pinning him against the wall with my elbow at his neck.
“What the fuck?” he choked out.
“You’re gonna take a quick second to listen.”
“Man, don’t hurt me. I have a son out there.”
With my extra hand, I grabbed his ears and twisted the top of it feeling the cartilage beneath my fingers crunch.
“That boy is about fucking sick and tired of having his ear twisted. You want to twist someone’s ear, twist mine. Come on. Twist it,” I hissed out.
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