by Selena
“Why the fuck are you smoking? You want to poison our daughter?”
She went still, and the words hung between us, suspended on the line of our locked gaze. Our daughter. Neither had ever said the words before. It was her pregnancy, her baby. Sometimes, I called it mine. But never ours. It was not an option to think of it that way, as something shared between us. Because that was something too big for two separate people who didn’t care about one another, two strangers, to share.
“Brody,” she said slowly. “She’s neither of ours. We’re going to find her a good, loving family that actually wants her, remember?”
“I remember,” I said bitterly, dropping her arms and turning away. “Of course I fucking do.”
I stalked away, to the tree with the long branches. I ducked through them and approached the trunk. This time, I didn’t want to sit on the cold dirt beneath the tree. Instead, I stood at the base and dropped my forehead against the trunk.
One day, my daughter would want to know why I hadn’t wanted her.
All the good answers were taken. They didn’t apply to me. I wasn’t too young, and I could take care of her financially. In all the time since I’d found out, not one person had asked me what I wanted to do. It had been assumed. The most I’d gotten was input on whether I wanted to see if Uma could still get rid of it. But I wasn’t sure I could let someone take my baby, raise her, and tell her I hadn’t wanted her. How could I let someone take her if I did want her?
Suddenly, the fact that I didn’t love her mother seemed the smallest, most inconsequential reason in the world. Uma didn’t want her, so everyone assumed she’d go to an adoptive family. But what if I wanted her? Not one person had given me credit enough to think that I might want my own child, that I was capable of taking care of her. Not my family, not Nash, not Uma, and not Laney. That hurt the most. If she wanted to have a family with me one day, shouldn’t she believe I was capable of being a father?
thirty-six
Laney
I walked Pegasus for a while, getting him warm and limber before I let him really go. The day after Christmas was no warmer than the previous two days, but the icy wind had let up, and the sun had warmed the fields during the day. At midnight, though, the heat had gone, and my cheeks burned with cold as I rode. The full moon overhead lit the way for Pegasus as we crossed the mile to the gazebo in what felt like no time at all.
When we arrived, the gazebo was empty. I walked Pegasus for a few minutes, letting him cool down before I looped the reins around one of the posts of the gazebo. I started rubbing him down while I waited. For a second, I considered what I would do if Brody didn’t show up. But this wasn’t last summer, and Brody wouldn’t stand me up. Unless…
I shook the thought away. It had been easy not to be jealous of Uma in the tour bus, when she slept out on the couch while Brody slept in the bed with me. Now that he was at home with Uma, and I was at my house, I had no way of knowing what would happen while I wasn’t around to make sure it didn’t. And even though I was certain enough that Brody wasn’t cheating on me, there would always be that shadow of doubt, even when I knew better, just like there had been three years ago. He’d always sworn nothing happened, but I knew there were ways to cheat without putting your dick in someone.
Finally, footsteps thumped onto the steps of the gazebo, and I jumped and spun around to see Brody appearing out of the darkness as if out of thin air. Absorbed in rubbing down my horse, I hadn’t been watching for him on the path.
“Hey,” he said, his breath coming in short little plumes in the cold night.
Leaving Pegasus to graze, I joined Brody and sat on the bench of the gazebo, snuggling deeper into my jacket. Brody leaned down to press his cold lips to mine, but I pulled away after only a second.
“What did you want to talk to me about?” he asked, sitting on the bench beside me. I’d always liked how he got right to it with me, not bothering with all the meaningless chit-chat of polite conversation.
“I’ve been thinking,” I said, taking a deep breath before plunging in. “And I don’t think I’m going to go back on the road with you.”
“What?” he asked, drawing back, his eyes filled with shock and hurt.
“I wanted to travel,” I said. “That’s why I took this year off. Not just travel here, but go to Europe, New York, Hawaii. And now it’s halfway through my year off, and I haven’t gone anywhere except on tour with you. Which was fun, I’m not saying it wasn’t. But this is something I need to do, Brody.”
“And I need you, Laney,” he said, taking both my hands in his.
“You don’t need me there,” I said, swallowing the ache in my throat. “You performed for years without me waiting backstage. And if that’s what you’re worried about… If you don’t think you could stay faithful without me there…”
“It’s not what I’m worried about,” he said sharply.
“Good,” I said. “Then it won’t be a problem if I’m not there. Because if that’s the only thing keeping you from cheating, then it’s going to happen one way or another. I’m not always going to be there to chase off the groupies.”
“I’m not like that anymore. That was years ago. I was a kid then. I was a fucking idiot, too, not to know what I had. I’m never going to lose you again. You’re mine, Laney.” He leaned in again, his lips brushing mine, then pressing harder. He turned to match his movements with mine, his warm tongue sliding past my cold lips, filling my mouth with heat. After a minute, he slipped from the bench to the floor and reached for his belt. I reached for the button on my own jeans, but Brody took my hand.
Suddenly, my heart was thundering in my ears, and I thought I might pass out. Oh, God. He was on his knees.
“I love you, Laney,” he said, kissing the back of my hand. “No matter what happens, no matter where in the world you are, if you’re in Europe and I’m here, or you’re right there where I can see you during a show, you’re always going to be my girl. And I will always be your man.”
“Oh my God,” I whispered, sure I was going to cry. This could not be real. It was what I had wanted all along, but it was all wrong.
Wasn’t it?
“These past few months have been… I don’t even know how to describe them. But I can’t imagine that would be easy for any couple, no matter how long they’ve been together. And you’ve been there, Laney. Strong, and graceful, and kind, even when you didn’t have to be. When anyone would understand the reasons you wouldn’t be. And as crazy as it sounds, that’s what made me know more than I’ve ever known before, that you’re the only person I ever want to be with, no matter how crazy the situation, no matter how tough, how awful or unexpected the challenges. I want to be with you for every one of them, Laney Tucker. I want to marry you.”
I’d known it was coming, but my heart still burst inside my chest like a bomb going off when he said those last words. A muffled pop sounded, and he opened the box. He hadn’t been reaching for his belt. He’d been reaching for his pocket.
In the moonlight, I could see it perfectly, the huge princess cut diamond glittering with a thousand edges in the cool light. I could see his fingers shaking as he took it out, pulled off my glove, and fitted it on my finger. I could see the hope and love and pride pooling in his eyes. But I couldn’t speak.
I was frozen on the outside while a million thoughts and feelings flashed through me at lightning speed. I had wanted this from day one when he came back. I had wanted to say no, to hurt him. But I didn’t say anything.
Brody slid his hand over my cheek, rising and pulling me closer, his lips sealing with mine again. His tongue moved into my mouth, slow but sure, and his fingers slid through my hair. A chill wrapped itself around my body, hot anticipation contrasted with the cold night. Brody pushed me back, kneeling on the bench to lay me down. He unbuttoned my jeans, his mouth slipping from mine to my cheek, his breath hot against my neck. A gasp escaped me as his teeth squeezed my earlobe, his warm breath filling my ear, his lips closin
g around my earlobe, sucking gently.
He slid a hand into my jeans, caressing me in slow, steady strokes, until I was wet and aching for him to join with me, stretch me, fill me. I shivered when his mouth moved down my neck, his breath tickling the fine hairs on my skin.
“Brody,” I whispered, lifting my hips to let him slide a finger all the way in. I rocked my hips against him, pressing my mound into his palm. My hands moved over his shoulders and back in frantic, hungry motions, tugging at his jacket. He eased my legs open further and fed another finger into me slowly, pushing them as deep as they would go, his palm massaging my clit in rhythm with the stroke of his fingers.
“Fuck me,” I cried out, grasping one of the bars of the gazebo railing.
“Not yet,” Brody said, his fingers sliding into me in quick, deep thrusts, until I couldn’t hold back. I raised my hips and he pressed deep, pulsing his fingers forward as my walls clenched around him and I came with a cry.
When I finished, he slid my jeans over my hips, lowering himself onto me. His mouth found mine again, and he pressed his lips against mine. “I want to do this forever,” he whispered. “No matter what happens, this is what I want. You and me, forever. The way it always has been and always will be. This is the one thing I know I can’t live without. You, Laney Tucker.”
I pushed his jeans down over his hips, our jackets pressing together like a pillow between us on top, our bare skin pressed together below. I could feel his hard cock throbbing against my bare skin, ready to open me all the way. Reaching between us, I grasped his shaft, still hungry for more after one climax. His cock jerked in my grasp, his skin hot against my cold fingers as I guided him into my slick opening. The air raked icy fingers across us, but he burned into me as he breached my entrance, pressing into my tight, wet flesh inch by inch. Raising my hips, I spread my thighs, hooking one foot behind him to push him deeper.
“Don’t rush,” he whispered, holding out from giving me his whole length. “We’ve got forever after tonight.”
“Give me everything,” I whispered. “Do it hard. Now.”
With one slow, powerful motion, he pushed into me so deep I scooted up the bench. Bracing my hand on the gazebo railing, I lifted to give him deeper access, wanting him to be rough, to fuck me hard and fast until it hurt.
“Like that?” he said, smiling down at me, grinding his pelvic bone against my clit.
“Yes,” I gasped, rocking my hips faster, wrapping my leg tighter around him, dragging him into me with deep, quick thrusts.
“Like this?” he said, driving into me hard again, bracing his hands on the bench above my shoulders, slamming into me harder and harder until I arched up, crying out as my body squeezed him even tighter. And then the pleasure crested and broke, and I cried out again, bucking against him as orgasm gripped me. Brody growled and ground himself deeper, and I felt a twinge of pain as his cock pulsed thicker, and then his completion spilled inside me, filling me to my very depth.
As his warmth spread inside me, little pulses throbbed through me, answered by his quick intake of breath and an answering pulse of his cock. For a second, all I could think was that I wanted all of him, every inch, every part. I loved this man so much it hurt, so much that the loving itself broke my heart open and spilled out my soul. I wanted to be his forever, to have a piece of him forever. To have him inside me the way that Uma did.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” he said, leaning down to kiss me softly when we’d both caught our breath.
Moments before, I’d been in the throes of bliss I’d never dreamed possible. And he was still there, still inside me, still thinking his dreams had come true. He was still in it, not knowing that suddenly, my mind had turned to the knowledge that was always there, even when I managed to forget it for a moment. It was always waiting to sneak back in at the most inopportune moments. Waiting like the dread that had been hanging over me for a month, ready to drop in the moment I woke up, allowing me only a few seconds of peace before it descended into my mind where it sat, eating away at me, day after day.
I pushed him off and sat up, gathering my jeans from around my ankles and pulling them up, my underwear cold and damp. The sex was still so good, it seemed wrong that the rest was so fucked up. It seemed like I shouldn’t be able to feel this way still, that he shouldn’t be able to fuck me so good and make me come so hard when everything else was dying. But I wasn’t Uma. No matter how good it was, I deserved better. I deserved more. Bad boys with good dick weren’t my Kryptonite.
Brody was.
“What about Uma?” I asked. “Is she just going to disappear when the baby comes? You’re tied to her for the rest of your life, whether you want to be or not.”
“Laney, I’ve told you, it’s not like that,” he said, pulling up his own jeans. “We’ll get her an apartment until it comes, and then…”
“And then she’s still there. In our lives. It’s always there. What you did before, and now her.”
“I thought you were okay with this. You said you didn’t hate her.”
“I don’t hate her, and I’m not angry. But I’m hurt, Brody. I know it shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t make rational sense, but there it is. It hurts me that you did that, even if it wasn’t when we were together.”
“That’s not fair,” he said quietly. “You got engaged to someone else. You were going to marry someone else. Yes, I fucked other women, but you loved another man. And I’ve never held that against you.”
“I know,” I said, running my palms down my thighs and taking a deep breath. “In my head, I know it’s not fair. I’ve tried talking myself out of it. But my heart doesn’t care. It still breaks for what you did, even if it has no right to. If that makes me a horrible person, then that’s what I am.”
“You’re not a horrible person,” he said, standing to pace the wooden planks. “But what do you want me to do?”
I paused at the question, the one that always tripped me up. I’d asked myself a million times, Piper had asked me, Blair had asked me. And now Brody was asking me. But I still didn’t have an answer. “I’m not going to tell you what to do,” I said. “You know what you should do, what’s the right thing for you. But I can’t be around her anymore. It hurts too much.”
“You don’t have to be. She won’t come on the road with us this time.”
“But she’ll be on your mind, all the time. Worrying about whether she’s going to spill it to a gossip column, worrying she’s going to disappear, or do something stupid and hurt it… I’ll see you thinking about her, and it’ll be worse than when she’s there.” I stopped and drew in a shaky breath. “Maybe it’s you I can’t be around.”
“Don’t say that,” he said, running a hand roughly through his hair. “What can I do?”
“Nothing,” I said softly. “Every time I look at her, I have to think about you doing something so intimate with her, something more intimate than I’ve ever done with anyone else. Not just fucking her. But being inside her, coming inside her. And I just, I can’t endure it anymore. I tried, I did it for months. And I was miserable. I don’t want to be miserable, and I don’t want to hate you for making me miserable.”
“Laney, you can’t do this,” he said, sinking onto the bench seat beside me and taking my hands, his eyes so desperate that just looking at them sliced through my heart like a sharp blade. “Don’t say what I think you’re saying. Tell me that’s not what you’re saying.”
Tears pressed at the corners of my eyes, stinging until I couldn’t hold them back any longer.
“How can you ask me to choose between you and that baby? Between the love of my life and my daughter?”
I shook my head, the tears coming faster now. “I’m not asking you to choose.”
“We’ll find a way,” he said, snagging my hand and pressing it to his lips. “I choose you, Laney. We’ll get through this together. I promise.”
“You can’t ‘get through’ having a baby,” I said, pulling my hand away to swipe at the tear
s streaming down my cheeks now. I stared straight ahead while I spoke, determined to get through this even if it killed us both. It was something I had to do for both of us, even if it hurt me as much as it hurt him. “You’re going to have a child. It’s another human being. You won’t be through this for eighteen years. Not even then. You’re going to be a father for the rest of your life. And she’s going to be its mother.”
“Laney, look at me,” he said, turning my chin toward him. He wiped my tears away with his thumbs, held my face between his hands. “I love you. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not giving up on you.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice trembling. I pulled off the ring and pressed it into his hand. “I shouldn’t have taken this. I can’t take it. You might not be going anywhere, but I am.”
I stood, my legs like dead weight, and trudged from the gazebo. Brody called after me, but when I climbed up onto Pegasus, he let me go. Did that mean, as the old wisdom went, that he really loved me?
It didn’t matter. I was leaving. I pressed my eyes shut and gave the horse his head, knowing that, like me, he would always find his way home.
January
thirty-seven
Brody
Uma and I were sitting upstairs in my room on New Year’s Day, staring out the window at the rain, when my phone rang. Everyone else had gone home, and my parents were at their traditional Sunday afternoon card game, so Uma had been persuaded to come upstairs. She still insisted that my mother hated her, and since it was obviously true, it had been hard to convince her to leave her dark little room at all during the past week. She spent her time wandering the garden paths or sitting under the magnolia trees out front.
“Hey, Brody-boy,” Nash crowed into the phone so loudly that I shot a look at Uma, knowing she could hear him, too.
“Hey, Nash,” I said warily. I hadn’t expected Nash to be in good spirits, not after the complications I had dragged him into during the past few months.