Blood Ties a Broken Heart

by Cassandra Hawke

  “Really, little brother, and who says you’re qualified to deliver them?” Rylee half rose out of her seat.

  He grinned and held up his hand. “In the absence of Ma, it’s me.”

  Rylee sank back in her seat. She couldn’t argue with that.

  “So, you love him?” Regan asked.

  Rylee nodded.

  “Enough to fight for him?”

  Rylee looked down at the floor.

  “Damn it. If you don’t love him enough to fight for him then maybe you should get over him.”

  Regan’s words tore through her. “I can’t get over him, but I’ve already lost the fight for him. He’s gone to Arden.”

  “Are you sure?”

  She hesitated, trying to remember exactly what he had said when he’d left. ‘Don’t give up on me’ had been his last words. Had she given up on him? Had she stopped believing he could put it right, that he would put her first in this tangled mess? Even if he did, there was Lilli.

  “Well?” Regan prompted her.

  “But it’s not just Arden anymore. What about his daughter?”

  “What about her?”

  Rylee leaped from the chair. “I can’t take on the responsibility for someone else’s child. You know that better than anyone. I killed our little brother. Do you think any parent in their right mind is going to let me have responsibility for their child? Even if he turns against Arden—which he won’t—he’s never going to let me be stepmother to his precious child. And who can blame him? I’m just what my father said, careless and irresponsible…”

  Regan stepped forward, grabbed her shoulders and shook her, hard. “Damn it. No, you are not what our father says. You are not.”

  Tears welled up as she threw herself into her brother’s embrace. “But I will have to tell Ash. He needs to know. The ultimate decision is his.”

  “Maybe, sis, but he would be a bloody fool to hold that against you.”

  She sobbed against his shoulder, her heart clenching in painful spasms. Bitterness, despair and guilt rampaging through her in a maelstrom of emotion.

  When Rylee calmed a little, Regan pushed her back into her seat and stood over her, literally, until she had eaten three pieces of pizza and consumed a can of soft drink. She wanted to fight him, but didn’t have the strength. In the end the pizza improved her physical well-being and her brother’s company helped with the emotional trauma.

  “So, what now?”

  She shrugged. “I really don’t know. He went after Arden. I don’t know what it all means. He said he was going to make it right, but I don’t know how.”

  “Sis, he said not to give up on him, remember? Maybe he’ll come back.”

  She shook her head. “It won’t do any good, because he has Lilli.”

  “So?”

  “So, brother dearest, despite what you say, all the faith in the world won’t make me a responsible stepmother.”

  “Why not? Just because you can’t quite reach the status of angel like our stepmother, doesn’t mean you won’t do a good job.”

  She shrugged again. “It’s not that. It’s Rohan.”

  Regan gave her a quizzical look. “What about Rohan?”

  “What about Rohan?” she shouted. “I killed him. Killed him with my carelessness. How can I ever ask Ash to let me care for his child, when I’ve already killed one who wasn’t mine?”

  “For God’s sake, sis. We’ve been through and through this. You cannot hold yourself responsible for Rohan. You were but thirteen with a house, eleven siblings all younger than you, and Da to care for.”

  “But I fell asleep, Regan. I fell asleep and Rohan died.” Her voice gained volume with each word.

  “It’s not your fault,” Regan insisted.

  “Da says it is. He hasn’t forgiven me yet,” she blurted out.

  “Oh, sis, Da is a bitter old man whose own guilt at not doing more at the time to help you keeps him silent on forgiving you,” Regan responded sternly.

  She dropped her gaze to the floor to hide her tears. “But how can I ever trust myself with another person’s child when I failed so dismally. I’m scared of taking that responsibility,” she declared.

  “Ash loves you and he would be some sort of bastard to hold that against you.”

  “So does that make our Da a bastard?”

  He looked straight at her. “Yup.”

  “Well it probably doesn’t really matter how I feel anyway. Ash has made no attempt to contact me since he left. That sort of speaks for itself. Surely if he was going to out Arden he would have come back and told me.”

  * * * *

  Despite everything, Rylee slept well that night and was ready to face the world the next day—until she reached the stables and saw the St. Wilhelmina’s school bus pull up in the car park. The first off the bus was Annie—Lilli, as Rylee now knew her to be.

  “Regan, can you take this class. I can’t.”

  “You’re even letting that little bugger back on one of your horses?” Regan spluttered as he glared at the child.

  Rylee sighed. “Yes. It wasn’t her fault. It was Arden’s.”

  “Fine. Which one? Moonbeam is out,” her brother observed un-necessarily.

  “What about Zea?” Rylee suggested.

  He nodded. “Could be a good choice,” he commented, with an attempt at a smile. “If the kid tows the line she might be able to go on with her, but I thought her dad wouldn’t let her ride.”

  Rylee shrugged. “Apparently he’s had a change of heart. Maybe An… Lilli blackmailed him into it? Who knows?”

  “Huh, well she had grounds for it,” Regan scoffed before he headed for the stables.

  Lilli left the group before they filed into the stables after Regan and ran up to Rylee. “How’s Moonbeam?”

  “She’s healing nicely, but is not ready to be ridden. Besides, I wasn’t expecting you to come back,” Rylee replied, her tone sharper than she’d planned.

  The child’s face crumpled. “You don’t want me to come back?” she whimpered.

  Rylee smiled. “I didn’t say that, Ann…Lilli, but your father made it very clear you’re not to ride.”

  “Oh, now he says I can—here with you. He sent a letter because he couldn’t come himself. He’s in the hospital.”

  Anxiety clenched Rylee’s stomach and her heart paused then beat faster. “Hospital? Why? How?”

  Lilli gazed up at Rylee, her eyes filled with tears. “Aunty Arden bashed him with a shovel. He has a bad concussion.”

  Rylee’s jaw sagged. “Arden hit him…with a shovel?”

  “She was mad because Daddy told her off about the horses.”

  “I see,” Rylee said softly. It must have been a pretty nasty confrontation if Arden actually assaulted him. Surely Ash would not be so forgiving after that. Perhaps there was hope yet for their love. “Well, you go and visit with Moonbeam while I read your father’s letter and speak with Ms. Winters.”

  “All right.” Lilli headed into the stables.

  Slowly Rylee tore the envelope open, almost too afraid to read the letter inside. The paper crackled between trembling fingers.

  My dearest Rylee,

  Lilli will no doubt inform you I am in hospital. I have tried to call you, but all my calls remain unanswered. I will assume that this means you no longer want to see me and I will try my hardest to respect your wishes.

  He had been trying to call her. Oh hell, she hadn’t seen her phone since that night. She had been too miserable to even miss it. Damn. She went on reading.

  But Lilli has expressed a clear desire to ride—and ride at your stables—and you are the one person other than myself I trust to teach her. I request that despite our differences, you will take Lilli under your more than capable wing and teach her to ride well. There will be no more incidents of abuse of your horses by my child. Lilli is more than aware now of right and wrong.

  Ms. Winters has my instructions in writing also, so I don’t expect any trouble from her or the
school.

  I’m sorry that we could not resolve our differences. I will love you for the rest of my life and I hope you find what it is you seek in the future.

  Love,

  Ash

  Rylee screwed the letter up and shoved it into her pocket. Her throat was so constricted she could hardly speak as she confirmed with Ms. Winters that Lilli could ride then went to the stables to find Ash’s child. If she stopped to think now, she would sink right back into her pit of despair. Instead she prepared Zea and introduced the child to the horse.

  “My gosh, Zea is so big,” Lilli gasped.

  Rylee laughed. “She is, but she is also gentle and well educated. If you treat her right, I believe you two will suit each other well. The rules of course are—no aids unless approved by me, no rough handling and definitely no riding unsupervised until I say so.” She squatted down and looked directly into the child’s eyes—eyes so much like Ash’s that for a moment Rylee was disorientated. She focused. “Promise me, Lilli.”

  Lilli stared directly back at her. “I promise. I’ve learnt my lesson. I’ll always do what you say.”

  Rylee kept Lilli separate from the rest of the class, working on basic skills and letting the horse and rider get accustomed to each other. Lilli followed her every instruction to the letter, and Rylee had relaxed a little by the end of the lesson.

  When the children climbed back in the bus for the return trip to school, Rylee turned to Regan. “Where’s my phone, little brother?”

  “Oh, I put it in the desk drawer, the right one. Been feeling it’s absence, have we?” he asked with a chuckle.

  She grimaced. “Apparently Ash is in hospital and has been trying to ring me.”

  “What?”

  “According to Lilli Arden beat him up, but he now thinks I don’t want anything more to do with him.”

  “And?”

  “Oh for God’s sake, Regan, I don’t know. Okay, I just don’t know anything right now, except that I love him.”

  “Well go, sis. Go and see him. Talk to him. For goodness sake, sort out your differences and I can get off this rollercoaster ride.”

  “You get off?” Rylee exclaimed.

  “Yes, dear sister, unrequited love’s peripheral victims. I’m one of them.”

  Rylee laughed then and danced all the way to the house to find her phone.

  Chapter Eight

  When Rylee entered the ward, she was shocked to see the bruising and cuts to Ash’s face. He was pale and appeared to be totally miserable until he turned and saw her hovering in the doorway. His face lit up and his mouth curved up into a very kissable smile.

  “You’ve come,” he said.

  She grinned. “Of course. I had to come and see you were all right. I didn’t answer my phone because my brother switched it off and hid it.”

  Ash chuckled. “He hid it so this bastard couldn’t hurt you anymore, I’m sure.”

  She slipped into the chair by the bed. “Maybe.”

  “I won’t hurt you anymore. I promise.”

  “And Arden?” she asked.

  Ash frowned. “I’m no longer associated with Arden. I have given my publicity department instructions to issue a media release publicly disowning my sister and distancing me from her practices and to send letters to all the appropriate bodies. I’ve also included a statement absolving myself from the doping incident and explaining my reasons for taking the blame in the first place. I don’t know what the fallout will be for me, but I know my sister’s equestrian ambitions will be destroyed.”

  “That must have been so difficult for you. I know Arden deserved it, but she is your sister.”

  “Yes, but I didn’t deserve this either. I think she’s gone a little mad with the constant struggle to achieve something that’s out of her reach.”

  “Perhaps. At least it’s no longer looming between us.”

  The nurse came around to shoo people out of the ward so Ash took her hand before she could leave and pressed a kiss on the back of her hand. “Take this for now, and when I’m out of here, I am going to fuck you to within an inch of insanity and love you with all my heart. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.”

  She leaned into him and whispered, “I’ll be waiting.”

  * * * *

  Each night she visited Ash in the hospital and they talked— really talked for the first time since the doping incident—he about his sister’s terrible relationship with his stepmother, Ruth, and how she had led him to believe Ruth was cruel to her and how he had protected and continued to protect her. They filled in the missing ten years and fully digested the doping incident.

  On the third night of visiting the hospital, Rylee drove up to the stables happy about the way things were heading. It was raining heavily, but she could see something was wrong. Open stable doors were creaking in the wind—doors that should have been closed. She jumped out of the car and checked the stables. They were empty. She ran to the house, but it was shrouded in darkness. She pulled on her weather proof jacket and rubber boots, grabbed the big torch by the door and set out. The horses couldn’t have gone far. She was convinced Arden was to blame. She walked, the wet grass slapping at her legs, the rubber boots dragging at her feet. A gray shape loomed up out of the rain. The mare, Rainbow Cloud, stood with her back to the wind and rain, her tiny foal huddled under her belly. The horse snorted when Rylee appeared but didn’t move away. She grabbed the halter and urged the horse forward. It didn’t take long for her to return them to their stall. She filled her deep pockets with oats and a couple of lead ropes then turned immediately and headed out once more into the storm. She knew horses could stand up to extremes in weather, but her horses were used to warm lodgings and none of them had coats on. But the thing that worried her most was that the highway ran down one side of her property and the creek down another, both of which would prove dangerous for her horses on a night like this. She neared a stand of trees. She heard one nicker of greeting then several nickers as Moonbeam trotted to meet her. She gave the pony a handful of oats and suddenly she was surrounded by six hungry ponies, the dun horse, Zea, and the huge looming bulk of Monti. She gave oats out all round. With oats on offer, Rylee knew the ponies would follow her back to the stables, so she clipped leads on Monti and Zea and headed back. As she expected, the six ponies trailed behind Monti and Zea. When she reached the stables, she found Shannon standing in the yard, half his body in the stable the other half out in the rain. She smiled. Trust the old boy to come home.

  She stabled all but Shannon then left a note for her brother and the stable lights on, knowing he would investigate when his mate Andrew brought him home from the pub. She saddled up Shannon and set out again. She had two to find—Lord Thornleigh and Boomerang Joe. She shivered with the cold, but the burning anger and resentment heated her core. The wind tugged and ripped at her. Shannon lowered his head and picked his way carefully. Rylee knew he would much rather be in his warm, dry stable. She heard hooves above the whistle of the wind. Shannon nickered, then snorted and whinnied when Lord Thornley came up behind and nipped his rump. Rylee turned Shannon and quietly put her hand out to secure the big hunter’s halter. Thor made a half-hearted effort to pull away, but when she moved forward, he followed. Andrew’s car was in the yard when she arrived and she felt a rush of appreciation for the bloke who drove her brother everywhere at night. Regan never talked about his night blindness and the shame he felt about his affliction.

  She dismounted and walked the two wet horses inside. Regan had stripped down to his singlet for the task of brushing and drying horses. Andrew, a strict non-animal person, was perched on a bale of hay watching. Rylee could smell warm mash, wet horse and rain.

  “Oh, Regan, thank goodness you’re here,” she said, turning the two horses into their stalls then sinking down on the nearest bale of hay.

  “You all right, sis? What the hell happened?” he demanded to know.

  “I’m not sure, but when I arrived home, all the stables were open an
d the horses gone. I’m still missing Boomer. I’m going out again.”

  * * * *

  It was almost dawn when she returned without Boomerang Joe. She had found gates open into neighboring properties and to the highway. She was desperately afraid for the horse she had come to love.

  She was huddled in front of the fire drinking hot chocolate when Regan came in. He went straight upstairs and had a shower. When he came back, he flopped on the lounge beside her.

  “No Boomerang?”

  She shook her head. “All the gates were open. He could be anywhere. As soon as it’s light, I’ll go out again. And could you call all the neighbors then go out along the highway.”

  “Sure, Ry. Don’t worry. We’ll find him.”

  “I hope so. I’ve come to like the big boy. I’ve even thought of doing some competitive endurance—perhaps eventually the Tom Quilty. It’s far enough removed from eventing not to have bad memories for me.”

  “Great, sis,” Regan said smiling. “So how are things with, Ash?”

  She nodded. “Good, although I think he is struggling to accept how things have turned out with Arden.”

  “And have you told him?”

  “Told him what?”

  “Why you are afraid to be a stepmother to his child?” Regan replied.

  She shook her head.

  “You have to tell him, Ry,” Regan warned.

  “Yes, I do have to tell him that my carelessness killed my baby brother.”

  “No, damn it. Tell him your fears, so you can have a relationship, so you can be a mother to Lilli—so he’ll understand your cautiousness,” Regan grumbled at her.

  “Oh for goodness sake, let me have a few weeks of pleasure before it has to end,” Rylee protested.

  “It doesn’t have to end.”

  “Of course it does, little brother.” Rylee sighed deeply. “Would you let your child be mothered by a woman who has already killed a child? Well, would you?”