“I know you do, honey.” Her fingers brushed the hair on my forehead.
“I know I probably don’t miss him as much as you do, but I still do.”
“Baby,” she pulled me into her arms. I was too big for her to cradle like she used to, but she was giving it her best shot. “Of course, you miss your dad. We both do.” She held me for a few seconds, then pulled back, framing my face with her hands. “I don’t miss him more than you do, it’s just...different.”
I thought about what she said and figured there was some truth to it, but there was no denying she was more broken than me. And that’s what I told her.
Her face crumpled as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. “Oh, Jamie.” She hugged me close again.
“I don’t want to ever feel like that, Mom,” I told her, my own voice rough with emotion.
She cried harder, her tears soaking my shirt on my shoulder. Oh, boy. I let her cry until it seemed like she wasn’t ever going to stop.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.” Making her cry was the last thing I wanted to do. I just hadn’t known any other way to explain to her my feelings about Bailey.
“No.” She lifted her head. Her eyes were red and puffy and the tears kept coming. How could one tiny lady have so many tears? “Jamie, no. You don’t understand.”
“Mom, you don’t even leave the house. You still cry almost every night.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “You threw your honeymoon picture at the wall last weekend.” My hands fell down into my lap. “I don’t ever want to feel like that. Missing Dad is bad enough. What if I loved Bailey and something happened to her?” I shook my head, like it wasn’t already too late. Like I didn’t already love her. “I couldn’t take it, Mom. I’m not strong enough.”
Her eyes closed forcing more tears out as she inhaled a deep breath trying to calm herself. When her gaze met mine again, there was a determination there I hadn’t seen in a long time.
“Baby, I’m sorry. We should have talked about this a long time ago. Go get it. Go get that picture.” She pushed at me when I hesitated. There had been enough tears already and I had no idea how she was going to react to seeing that photo again. “Just do it.” She pushed me again.
I got up and went into her room, opening the drawer where I’d placed the picture. It was there where I’d left it. I picked it up and took it back to the table.
Mom’s lips curved into a sad smile when I handed it to her. “This was our honeymoon.”
I already knew that, but I nodded anyway.
“When I had my accident, I went to a really bad place in my own head.” Her gaze shifted from the picture to me. “I began thinking you and your dad would be better off without me.” She paused, her gaze holding mine.
I let her words sink in and when they did, there was no stopping the sting of tears that welled in my own eyes and spilled over to roll down my cheeks. “Mom-” I shook my head. I couldn’t say any more.
She took my hand. “I know. I guess I got past it, but it was difficult. Coming home to you and your dad and having to sit in this damn chair-” she smacked her hands down on the offending chair. “I just, I just didn’t think I could be a good mom anymore. A good wife. And I was sad. So. Terribly. Sad.”
Sobs wracked my shoulders as I considered what she was telling me. I’d never known, never really thought too much about how her injury affected her relationship with me, her relationship with my dad, from her perspective.
“I felt pretty worthless for a while, unable to do all the things I’d always done so easily. But things got better. And your dad loved me. And we both loved you.” She stopped again, her hand coming up to cup my cheek. I could hardly meet her sad gaze, it was too painful. “I realized I was lucky. Blessed.”
I cleared my throat and tried to speak several times but no words came out.
Mom sighed. “You were pretty little. I guess I never wanted you to know all that. But I can see you need to understand. First, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’ve had to be the one to hold me up when I’m falling apart-”
“No, Mom, I love you-” I said, shaking my head against her words. Of course, I wanted to be there for her.
“Shh.” She placed her finger over my mouth. “I know, Jamie. And I love you, too. More than you know. But the last thing I want is for you to be worried about me. You need to go off to college and live your life.” She picked up the picture again of her and my dad. “We’ve had our chance, baby, your dad and me. I don’t want you missing out.”
I thought about what she was saying. “I’m scared.”
Her smile was more serene than I’ve seen it in more than a year. “I know, son. I know. And I understand more than you know. Now, I want to tell you something that maybe I shouldn’t, but I need you to understand where I’ve been coming from.” She paused and took a deep breath. “Your dad went climbing alone. He fell and he was by himself. That’s how he died.”
Wha-
I shook my head against that information. Dad would never do that. After what happened to Mom. Knowing how hard she took it every time he left to go. Why? Why would he do that?
“Why?” I finally asked.
“I wish I knew. I’ve just been so- so mad at him.” I could see it on her face as she spoke. She was angry. I thought about that night I found her crying in her room after tossing the picture frame against the wall. It was the same expression on her face that night that she wore now. She was mad.
“I miss your dad sometimes I feel like it will kill me. I loved him so much. And other times I feel so betrayed. I feel like he made a choice. He didn’t have to go climbing with the guys and he didn’t have to go climbing by himself the day before the others even showed up.”
Oh, man. What had he been thinking? I felt the anger she was talking about filling me.
Mom grabbed my hand. “Now, look. I don’t want you to be angry with him. I don’t know what he was thinking. And the reason I’m telling you all this isn’t for you to get mad at him. I just need you to know that even- even though he was an idiot and he left me and I’ve been so mad, I’d do it all again. If we could only be together for a year, a month, a day? I’d go through all the pain of this last year, all the anger, again in a heartbeat.”
“Man-” I let my lungs deflate. It was a lot to think about, to process. We sat there at the table for a long minutes, each of us with our own thoughts. Finally, Mom smiled a sad smile and took both of my hands in hers.
“I need you to promise me that if you love Bailey, and I think you do, that you won’t break that girl’s heart because you’re afraid of breaking your own. Because, Jamie, nothing in this life can compare to the kind of love I believe the two of you could have together. Those are the kinds of risks that are worth taking, the kind you must take or you’ll end up alone and bitter and I just can’t have you doing that. You can’t live this life afraid.” She sat back. “And I guess I haven’t been a good example lately. But it’s not because I don’t believe in love, it’s because I do. And I’ll figure this out, this life without your dad. It’s just taking me some time, that’s all.”
I nodded, listening. I heard all the things she was saying and I couldn’t help but draw the parallel to the first thing we’d talked about that night- football. I’d just told her I couldn’t live in fear and that’s why I was going to play even though she didn’t want me to. She was telling me the same thing was true about my feelings for Bailey. I couldn’t live in fear of losing her. In fact, the fear was causing the thing I dreaded most anyway.
Now, I just had to decide what I was going to do about it.
But first, I had to hug my mother.
She laughed a little and smacked my shoulder enough that it hurt. “I love you, Jamie, but no more using girls as a distraction. I’ve taught you better than that.”
“Okay, Mom.”
Chapter 23
Jamie
I spent the whole weekend thinking. I went over the conversations I’d had wi
th my mom, Dallin, and even Allie. I confronted my fears about commitment. I took inventory of my feelings for Bailey. And I made some decisions. It hadn’t taken me long to come to the conclusion that I was an idiot and a jerk. My job now was to ask my best friend Bailey to forgive me and convince the Bailey I’d kissed and held to trust me enough to be my girlfriend.
But first, I had to talk to Dallin.
“You wanna what?”
We were in my basement, just the two of us, because Bailey still wasn’t talking to me. I explained my plan again, slowly. Dallin’s eyes grew wide with each word I spoke.
“So, let me get this straight. You like Bailey?”
I rolled my eyes because I’d just explained all that. Very slowly. “Yes, Dallin.”
“And not just for making out?”
“No. Not just for making out.” Although, I did want to make out with her. “I want her to be my girlfriend. Are you cool with that?” I asked a little anxiously. Not that it would make any difference in my plans, but I didn’t want any issues with Dallin, either.
“Dude, are you kidding? Bailey’s had a thing for you for forever. Tell me what you need me to do. This is the best news I’ve had in years.” The huge grin on his face attested to that fact.
“Awesome. So, here’s what we’re gonna do.” I laid out my plan, step-by-step. When I was finished, Dallin clapped a hand on my shoulder.
“She’s gonna love it.”
“You think?” I was ridiculously nervous. What if it wasn’t enough?
Dallin nodded. “I do.”
“Okay. Well, we have to do it this week. I was thinking Thursday since we get out of practice early and that will give me enough time to get everything in place.”
“That’s cutting it close, but I think it will work.”
It better.
Bailey
I hated Homecoming. The game was fine, it was all the crap leading up to it. Okay, so mostly I just hated the dance. I knew some schools didn’t make a big deal about Homecoming dances, they were just casual after the game. Not our school. It was this huge, horrible thing designed to make me miserable. Fine, I was being dramatic. But the truth was, I hated Homecoming because I was always disappointed when Jamie didn’t ask me to go.
Last year, he even went stag rather than ask me. Yeah, that stung. He’d been getting over the whole Allie thing, but still. And this year he was Mr. Popular Quarterback, so of course he’d been nominated to Homecoming Court and he’d need a date. They’d go to Thunder City together this weekend. What if he decided he really liked her? Whoever she was?
Argh! Why did I even care? Jamie made it perfectly clear he wasn’t interested in me beyond a couple of kisses.
Amazing.
Bone-melting.
Heartbreakingly awesome.
Kisses.
It didn’t matter. He’d gone right back to his NCMO ways and I didn’t need that kind of drama and heartache in my life. I just had to adjust, get used to my life without my best friend, both of them, because Dallin usually spent his time at Jamie’s.
Whatever. I didn’t need them.
“Thanks for the ride, Dallin.” The state of his vehicle was much improved and amazingly, he’d been diligent about keeping it clean after I’d spent a good hour and a half disinfecting the thing. He’d even begun keeping his nasty football equipment in the trunk rather than the backseat, keeping the associated offensive smells trapped back there.
“No problem. See you in the morning.”
With a wave, I walked to my front door. Jamie’s car was already in his driveway, but I wasn’t going to pay attention to that, no matter how much I missed him.
“Hey, Mom!” I called out as soon as I opened the door.
“Hi, sweetie!” I could tell she was in the kitchen so I made my way there first.
“Smells good in here.” I inhaled the familiar scent of her homemade yeast rolls. My favorite. I reached out to snatch on off the baking sheet on the counter.
She smacked my hand away. “No sneaking. Go take a shower first. We’ll eat in a bit.”
“Okay. Okay. Sheesh.” I raised my hands and backed away from the counter. “I’ll be done soon.”
I headed toward the stairs leading up to my room, but I was intercepted by Preston.
“Bay-wee. Bay-wee. Pwetty. On you bed.” Preston jumped up and down, his words loud and jumbled.
“What?” I grabbed his hands to keep him still so I could understand.
“Nothing,” Mom interrupted. “He’s just excited you’re home. Go on. Go up.” She hooked Preston around his waist and lifted him up while telling him to shush.
Weird. What was going on around here? Shrugging, I decided I didn’t have time to worry about my crazy family. I needed to hit the shower and get myself one of those yummy rolls.
Taking the stairs two at a time, I raced up to my room. As soon as I opened the door, I reached around behind it to retrieve my towel from the hook on the back of it. But then I stopped dead in my tracks.
“What in the-”
There on my freshly made bed (which I knew I’d left in its usual mess of blankets, pillows, and discarded clothes) were at least two dozen roses spread over the surface. In the center was a single sheet of stationary paper, folded in half, with my name scrawled across it in neat handwriting.
I let my towel fall to the floor as I took the couple of steps to reach my bed. With trembling fingers, I picked up the folded paper and opened it.
When simple words won’t do,
It’s actions that will convince a heart is true.
For further proof, go to the spot where we first met.
J.
I wanted to reject the hope I felt reading those words, but there was no help for it. I glanced again at the beautiful flowers covering my bed and inhaled their fresh scent.
“Well, what are you waiting for?” Mom stood in my doorway, a smile on her face.
“Mom, what-” I shook my head, not wanting to believe this was real or that it meant what I thought it did. This wasn’t something Jamie did. This was something a boyfriend did and that word gave my best friend hives.
“Don’t think about it too hard, B.” With that bit of advice, she turned away, leaving me to figure out what I was going to do.
In the end, I took her advice. I still needed a shower, but I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t lose my nerve if I didn’t just go, so that’s what I did.
Racing back down the stairs, I ran out the back door. The spot where we first met. I remembered it like it was yesterday. We had just moved in and I had been feeling lonely for the friends I used to play with at the apartment complex playground where we lived before Mom and Jerry got married. I just knew this stupid neighborhood wouldn’t have built in friends like our last place had. Of course, I was wrong. On the very day we moved in, I found Jamie playing on the big wooden swing set the previous owners of our house had left in the backyard. He was surrounded by Star Wars action figures in the enclosed area above the slide.
It was instant friendship.
It was chilly out and I wished I’d kept on my hoodie as I made my way to the slide. It was all worth it when I saw what he’d done to it.
“Wow.”
The whole thing was lit up with twinkling white lights. More roses were intertwined in the lights and Tim McGraw’s song My Best Friend played softly from a Bluetooth speaker I recognized as Jamie’s. I climbed the ladder to the little enclosed area since I hadn’t seen another note outside.
I gasped again as I looked inside. A fluffy blanket lined the wooden floor and a pillow rested against one side. I tried to absorb it all. After the pillow, my gaze landed on a folded-up sweatshirt. A little card sat on it that said, in case you get cold. I laughed and picked up the hoodie, one of his, of course. After pulling it over my head, I immediately lifted the front over my nose and inhaled deeply. As usual, his scent affected my heart rate and made the last few days without him seem like forever. I wondered if he would be at the end
of this little scavenger hunt he’d sent me on and if he was, what was I going to do when I saw him.
After the sweatshirt, I saw a basket, a huge wicker basket like the ones my mom liked to buy from the craft store, filled to the absolute brim with every kind of chocolate known to man. On top of the chocolate was another folded piece of paper.
At the top were all the lyrics to the song playing in the background. I cried as I read them, hardly daring to hope he meant what he implied. Below the lyrics were the words-
Best friends first and forever
Now go to the place where
We began to be something more.
J.
Collecting the basket and the notes, I made my way back down the ladder. The evening was cool and I was glad for the sweatshirt as I walked across the lawn to the door to Jamie’s basement. I was nervous, anxious, and hopeful all at once.
I knocked on the door wishing I could see inside. Jamie opened the door before I was even able to lower my arm after knocking. Behind him the room was dim, but he stood there dressed to the nines in a black suit and tie with his hair slicked back. Music played in the background, songs we’d listened to together from the time we were kids.
“Come in.” Jamie held his arm wide as he stepped aside allowing room for me to walk passed him.
“Wow.” The whole basement had been transformed. There were more twinkle lights and a few honest to goodness lit candles. The sofa had been pushed back to open a large area between it and the wall where his television hung. The space had been filled with his coffee table, covered with a cloth and decorated with more candles, roses, and plates of food and glasses with sparkling cider.
Covering his huge television was a large sheet of paper with the words-
Bailey
Be my date for Homecoming?
Jamie
It took me two solid minutes to take it all in, every detail. When I finally turned my gaze to Jamie, I realized he’d been watching me, probably gauging my every expression. It didn’t matter, once our eyes met, I couldn’t look away, no matter what might be revealed.
The Perks of Kissing You (Perks Book 3) Page 16