It had been a couple of days after his and Terrell’s impromptu pact, and neither had managed to drum up enough courage to tackle the task head on. Kane had spent two excruciating watches with Eder, mentally composing speeches in his head only to have his inner critic find them banal, stupid and embarrassing. Either that or he would look up at Eder, sitting quietly in the dying light of the fire, and his voice would desert him entirely, his breath momentarily stilled. Once or twice he had looked up to find Eder watching him contemplatively, and that had been ten times worse, sending him cold then hot all over, his blush mercifully lost in the darkness of the night.
“This is ridiculous,” he muttered to himself, on the third night, after a few hours of silent watch.
“What’s that?” Eder asked, idly.
Kane cursed under his breath.
“I… I need to talk to you,” he said, eventually.
“Fire away,” Eder said, with a shrug. “No time like the present.”
The panic had begun a split second after Kane had spoken, and to deal with the restless feeling he rose from his spot and paced across the packed ground. This also had the added intermingled blessing and curse of moving him further away from Eder.
“It’s about-“ he began, then was left waving inarticulately as the rest of the sentence abruptly deserted him. “It’s about you.”
“Me,” Eder said, warily.
“Yes.”
“What about me?”
“It’s about you but it’s also about me, you see.”
“No, I really don’t see,” Eder said. “Will you stop pacing, Kane, I can’t focus when you’re darting back and forth.”
He rose from where he sat and intercepted Kane on his next pass back, taking hold of his left arm and keeping him from continuing in his arc.
Kane thought his heart would stop. Or worse, had stopped and he hadn’t noticed. He stood, toe to toe with Eder, afraid to breathe, afraid to speak, afraid to do anything that would break the spell he found himself under. His fingers were numb, foreign and vast, as he raised his right hand, hesitantly, to Eder’s face.
Blue eyes, wide with some emotion Kane couldn’t identify, met his. He felt a jolt of connection, of déjà vu, as though this was not the first time he had made this terrifying, life-altering leap. His fingertips met Eder’s cheek, and he felt like lightning surged through him from where he made contact, travelling up his arm and into his chest.
“Kane,” Eder said, so quietly that Kane thought it might have come from inside, from his conscience, or his spirit. He still hadn’t let go of Kane’s arm.
“Yes?”
“We can’t,” Eder continued, and either he had gotten closer or Kane’s imagination was playing tricks on him, because he could feel Eder’s breath against his own mouth.
“Can’t what?”
Eder’s eyes, huge and blurry so close to Kane’s, closed momentarily, and Kane felt all the air sigh out of him. He had an odd urge to draw it into his own lungs, Eder’s breath now his, claimed and stolen.
He felt Eder’s lips brush his, the barest of touches, like a butterfly landing.
And then it all went wrong.
Eder took a swift step backwards, his hands held out away from him as though they were contaminated. His face was a mask of agony, and Kane felt his heart, so loud and thundering just a moment ago, thump unpleasantly at the sight.
“I knew something like this would happen,” Eder was whispering to himself. Kane started towards him, but Eder leapt away, wringing his hands before him.
“Something like what?” Kane asked, his voice as hoarse as Cahaya’s had been. “I don’t even understand what that…”
“May the gods forgive me, for without their divine gift I am but a breath away from sin. I pray that the Sister grant me the strength to resist temptation until we are delivered from this trial.” He fell to his knees, a trifle dramatically, Kane thought, and clasped his hands together before him.
“May the gods forgive my poor judgement,” he continued, still in a hushed undertone, “as they have forgiven all of my other sins and transgressions. I have strayed from the path of the truly righteous, I pray that the Sister in her mercy and the Brother in his wisdom should see fit to lead me back…”
Kane crouched before Eder, who looked up at him with tear-filled eyes, not fully seeing him.
“Eder-“ he began.
“It doesn’t matter,” Eder interrupted his own litany and Kane’s response, shaking his head miserably. “It was a mistake. My curiosity and my blasphemous nature have once again led me to disobedience and sin. I pray to the gods for their guidance, that I do not stray from the path of the true believer again.”
“Have you been having these strange feelings too?” Kane pressed. “You never said anything.”
Eder closed his eyes and took a long, ragged breath. “There is an evil in me, Kane, a foul perverted thing which counsels me towards heresy and damnation and makes it all too easy for me to fall into the same traps again and again. I must resist it.” He opened his eyes, and looked up at Kane, almost pleading. “You must resist your own temptations, too, Kane, for the good of us all if not for your own immortal soul.”
“Eder, you can’t just-“ Kane reached out, but Eder flinched away from him, and he lowered his hand with a hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach.
“I can, Kane,” Eder said, his voice shaky but firm. “I can resist this. I will be a Child Guard, a good and true servant of the gods, and I will always be a Child Guard, whether you and Terrell want to abandon the Citadel or not. If you can’t fight your own demons all I ask is that you stay away from me and allow me to battle my own in peace.”
He returned to his prayers, and after a moment Kane stalked off to the other side of the fire, to sit out the rest of their shared watch in a silence that was, if possible, even more strained than earlier.
Terrell had noticed his low mood at the changing of the watches, but had kept his curiosity to himself in front of Sampson, and as such was positively vibrating with it by the time morning came. Kane sighed, and went to tell him the bad news, under the guise of helping him to load the pony.
“Didn’t go well then, I take it,” Terrell said out of the corner of his mouth, as he fastened a strap.
“It almost did,” Kane said, smarting from the implied insult to his abilities. “Until it really didn’t.”
“Any mistakes I should know to avoid?”
“Pick someone less likely to fall down in a fit of piety,” Kane replied bitterly, handing over Davena’s medical bag.
“Ah.”
Cahaya approached then, and Kane was mercifully saved from further questioning as Terrell hoisted her into the saddle, his face turning pink with the proximity more than the effort. Kane smiled faintly at Terrell’s obvious discomfort, and gave the nominal order to march.
Eder avoided Kane for the whole day. A few times Kane approached him to make harmless small talk about the weather, or the time of day, or a particularly interesting tree they had passed by, and the response he got was monosyllabic at best. Eder’s initial reaction was to ignore him completely, and Kane soon gave up pressing him for whatever response he could wring out. He looked over at Terrell and Cahaya, she asking him questions about the woods they were riding through, and he answering casually, comforted in the knowledge she could not see the blush which rose about his neck. A brief spasm of jealousy gripped Kane, and he found himself wishing Terrell would fail as spectacularly as he had, that they might be partners in misery once more.
The day passed slowly with nobody to converse with, and Kane was fed up and exhausted by the time they made camp, not far from a small calm pond which they had been able to see coming for several miles, the only interesting point in an otherwise dreadfully dull day. As camp was being set up, Terrell offered to take Cahaya on a walk about the pond, to act as her eyes and describe any fish or birds of interest which might have made their home in the reeds at the edge.
“Brother-Corporal Kane, would you join Private Terrell in escorting the young lady?” Sampson said, just as Terrell and Cahaya were about to wander off. “We can ill afford to put the whole purpose of our mission at risk for the sake of a few birds.”
Terrell and Kane exchanged a look, then Kane picked himself up from where he had sat and re-hung his sword at his hip. “We won’t be long,” he said to Sampson. “I doubt there’s much to see anyway, but if Cahaya wants to stretch her legs then so be it.”
And so it was that Kane found himself awkwardly escorting Terrell and Cahaya on what would surely have been a most enjoyable private walk. At first he tried to walk alongside them, but that felt particularly uncomfortable and he soon fell back to a discreet distance, playing the role of the watchful bodyguard. Awkwardness aside, it was good to be out of the camp, and away from the now maddeningly distant Eder.
He saw the pair ahead draw to a halt, and stopped in his own tracks, folding his arms behind him and trying to look anywhere but at them. From where he was, he could hear most of their conversation. He briefly considered whistling, but reasoned if he could hear them, they would certainly hear him and he didn’t want to interrupt or distract.
“-having these strange… feelings… about you,” he heard Terrell stammering out awkwardly, and felt a twinge of sympathy.
“Oh, Terrell,” Cahaya said, sadly.
“I don’t really know what’s going on or what’s happening, but the way I feel around you, it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.”
“I’m so sorry,” she replied.
“Don’t be,” Terrell said earnestly. “It’s wonderful and it’s incredible and I wouldn’t change it for the world.”
“Terrell, you don’t understand,” Cahaya said, quietly. “You’re a sweet boy, and I’ve enjoyed journeying with you, but I just… I can’t.”
“But why?” Terrell’s voice was plaintive.
“I can’t love you back,” she replied. “I gave my heart to someone else, but he… he passed away and it’s… it’s too painful for me, do you understand?”
“No, I don’t understand,” he said, and Kane could hear the quaver in his voice. “Is there something wrong with me? I know I seem young but I’m eighteen and I’ll be growing faster now that-“
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” she sighed. “If anything, there’s something wrong with me. Besides, I’m going to the Academy in Auris to help them in their studies, even if I was able to return your love now I would only end up leaving you again soon.”
“I’ll wait for you,” Terrell said, desperately. “When the Academy are finished with you, I’ll be waiting.”
“Please don’t,” she said. “When the Academy are finished with me I doubt there will be much left. You’ll find another girl, one who can love you and be good to you.”
“I don’t want another girl.”
“I’m sorry, Terrell.”
Kane heard Cahaya unsteadily approaching, and turned to see her determinedly forging her way out through the reeds and onto firmer soil.
“Brother-Corporal Kane?” she called. “I should like to continue my walk around the rest of the lake and return to the camp.”
He reached for her flailing hand and caught it.
“Let’s head onwards then,” he said, and she gave him a weak smile. There were tears streaking her face, and she dabbed at her milky eyes with a sleeve.
“Are you all right?” he asked, hesitantly.
She nodded, and Kane let it lie.
He awkwardly led her around the riverbank, acutely aware of Terrell trailing behind in a sulk, and even more aware that this whole excursion had been a pretence. He kept up the commentary, though, describing herons and ducks and the occasional frog which sat on a lilypad and watched them with bulging eyes.
There was a bird he couldn’t identify, and he cast about him for a description, before casting his gaze to the pendant at her throat.
“It looks a bit like your necklace,” he said. “Sort of long-necked, with that tuft on top of its head. I suppose you’d know better than me what it is.”
She gently touched the pendant, running her fingers over the smooth, reddish wood. “Sadly I have no idea what it was meant to be. In Ashden there was so much symbolism about birds, but I never got the chance to find out what this one was. It would have told me so much.”
“I’m sorry,” Kane said. “Was it from your elder, the one who took you in?”
“No,” Cahaya sighed. “These kind of things are not given from fathers to daughters. They are love tokens, for a young man to court his beloved, with a symbol of what she means to him. This was carved for me by… by Piaras.”
She said his name with care, as though she hadn’t uttered it in a while and was preserving the sound of it.
“He worked on it for months,” she said, her voice far away. “He hid it from me well, too, but the night he chose to give it to me was… it was the night the Sidhe attacked. He was their first victim.”
Her grip tightened on Kane’s arm at the painful memory, and he cast about him for something to say.
“It is a well-crafted piece,” he said. “And it honours his memory that you keep it.”
“Thank you, Brother-Corporal,” she said, politely, and fell silent as they wrapped up the journey and returned to the camp.
The low mood was infectious, and as the Sidhe song started up at sunset, louder than it had been the past few weeks, Kane felt doubt creep in. He began to wonder if he would survive the journey, if any of them would. The optimistic mood under which he had initially left the Citadel seemed very far away now.
It wasn’t long before only he and Terrell were left around the fire, the others retreating to their tents for whatever safety the canvas could provide. The silence stretched between them, thick and chilly like marsh mud.
“I’m sorry it didn’t go how you wanted,” Kane said, eventually.
Terrell scowled at him, then by degrees relaxed into a cocky smile which didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Ah, she’ll change her mind,” he said, confidently. “I know she likes me.”
“She seemed pretty sure to me.”
“You should know better than to eavesdrop, Kane,” Terrell said, giving him a punch on the arm that was a little too hard to be friendly. “Besides, it’s not like your attempt went any better.”
Kane sighed. “That’s true. Although it nearly did.”
“Nearly never won any medals.”
“Why can’t things just be simple?” Kane asked, the question which had been buzzing through his mind all day finally making itself known. “Why couldn’t we just do this mission fine, textbook, the way we were supposed to, and go home to the Citadel. Why does everything have to be so complicated and messy?”
“I don’t know, my friend, I really don’t know.”
13. Decisions, Decisions
“Sister Moon, look to my footsteps and guard my journey.”
Sidhe enchantment
The next four days were a miserable trudge, as the weather cooled and the wind blew in from the north. The morning after her awkward conversation with Terrell, Cahaya had requested Kane’s assistance to lift her into the saddle. He had done as she’d asked, despite a lurch in the gut as he lifted her, like and yet unlike what he felt around Eder. Terrell had seen the blush rise in his face, and had not spoken a word to him for the rest of the day. Added to the fact Eder was still refusing to say more than two words in a row to him, and Kane’s options for conversation or distraction were looking extremely limited. Sampson had taken to muttering prayers constantly whilst they walked, and he had run out of things to talk about with Davena after only a few short minutes. Their campfire interactions were similarly strained, and mostly seemed to consist of them waiting for the Sidhe song, as an excuse to retire to their tents and sleep away the cares of the day.
Kane spent his days and his nights in various shades of foul mood, snapping at everyone and everything, or s
taring at the back of Eder’s head in sulky silence. He thought he knew how it felt to be angry, but this was more intense, more fierce than anything he had felt before, even in the face of Bevan and taunting novices and the unfairness of the Citadel’s systems. It uncurled from a ball in his stomach and poured through his limbs like molten iron, where it burned and itched, with little hope of release until evening.
His only vent for the rage and frustration which seeped out of him all day like sweat was sparring with Terrell of an evening. They went for each other like warring siblings who had been kept at bay by their father’s word alone, and Kane felt every bruise and blow like a breath of fresh air, cooling the lava of his fury into hardened rock. Terrell was of similar temper, but when they were fighting he occasionally cracked one of his usual crooked grins and Kane smiled back, caught in the moment of primitive wildness. One evening they threw away their swords after a few token swings and set to fistfighting, deaf to the world around until Davena called to them with an uncommon impatience.
That night, the song failed to sound.
At first, Kane thought it was simply late, but as the sun set and the sky darkened to a deep indigo, he allowed himself a brief moment of hope they were reaching the southern edge of the Borderlands, and the road to Auris would be straight and easy from this point onwards. He volunteered to take the first watch alone, for the first time in weeks, promising to wake either Terrell or Eder if the song began later on during the night.
The silence continued as the last light of the sun disappeared from the sky, and the moon, almost full, climbed gracefully above the treetops.
Kane sat with his sword across his knees, relaxed as he listened to the sounds of the forest, the hooting of an owl, the occasional snuffling of a fox, and the swish of the breeze in the trees.
“Kane.”
He jumped, having been so relaxed and so focused on the forest sounds he hadn’t heard Eder approaching. His friend sat down in front of him on the ground, the moonlight catching in his fair hair, which had grown into messy curls over the course of their journey.
The Child Guard Page 14