Clarity

by Claire Farrell

  “The what?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t know. I told you it was confusing. I keep forgetting stuff.”

  “Maybe you’ve been thinking about the curse a lot,” I suggested.

  “Why?”

  “Gypsies?”

  She frowned, and I could see a connection hadn’t occurred to her. But then, she leaned forward, her eyes shining with excitement. “Maybe this has to do with breaking the curse.”

  All I could do was shrug. It was possible, but probably not likely. Nothing had turned out to be that easy, especially the things we all wanted the most. But the part of me that wanted the curse to end seemed to wither a little every day. And I had no idea if it was what I wanted… or what the curse demanded of me.

  Chapter Four

  Nathan

  We took Cú on the hunt with us. He was going stir crazy staying indoors all of the time at Perdita’s house. I felt bad for him, but I knew he was the best protection for her, apart from me. I didn’t trust anyone else to protect her as well. I didn’t trust anyone else to care at all. Keeping Perdita and Amelia safe was about the only thing constantly in my head. My family hadn’t exactly proved themselves to be good at that.

  It was frustrating to be a creature that could hurt and maim, yet be incapable of protecting the people I cared about because of the stupid rules made up by the adults in our lives. Ever since the fight between my family and those wilder werewolves, I’d felt different, as though I could handle myself. When I had seen the wolf go for Perdita, something clicked in my head, made me realise I would do anything, anything at all, to stop her from being harmed.

  Byron seemed as edgy as I was once we made it to the park. It had definitely been too long since we’d hunted together. It wasn’t that I really wanted to do it, but the wolf became a little harder to manage if I didn’t let him out occasionally.

  We didn’t talk, just stripped and phased. I gasped at the familiar sensation of my bones realigning. It was over almost instantly, unlike any other time I’d changed. The wolf was keen, ready to run free. We had become more attuned since the fight, better prepared to act as one.

  The wolf wanted to play. Cú flanked me as if he knew I couldn’t be trusted. Self-control had been lacking lately; I could easily get out of line as a wolf. It didn’t bother me as much as it used to.

  Byron flew off, unwilling to wait for me. I didn’t care; I was still getting used to being on all fours. Everything was brighter, clearer… better. We should have been under cover of dark, but Byron had gotten weird about being away from Amelia after dark while we hunted because we couldn’t be contacted for help in all of the normal ways.

  That was all forgotten as I took in everything around me. It was as though I could see, hear, and smell everything, but I wanted more. I raced around the clearing in excitement, rolled on the grass like a pup, and sniffed the air deeply. My mouth watered as I instinctively turned toward the smell of human—wolf hadn’t hunted in too long—but Cú shouldered me and growled while a quiet little voice in my head told me no.

  That was okay, though. Plenty more out there. I set off after Byron, followed by my wolfhound. Sniffing the air, I could smell the raw, tangy scent of fresh blood.

  Wolf wanted a taste, too.

  I sprinted toward the smell, but stopped short as I caught sight of Byron. He was larger than me, more aggressive in wolf form. Although he was mild and play-it-safe as a human, his wolf was pretty awesome in ways I would never dare tell Perdita. His brown eyes caught mine in their stare as he savaged a wild rabbit with ease, tearing muscle effortlessly, blood dripping from his teeth.

  He lowered his head and snarled at me, and I knew I wasn’t invited to share. I ran instead, needing to stretch my legs. Byron was different as wolf, better able to cope. When my parents died, he had stayed wolf for a fortnight, and I remembered hearing my grandparents argue about it, worrying he might never come back. My grandmother said something about the lure of the wolf being too strong, but I didn’t understand what she meant, and it was too late to ask.

  When Byron eventually returned, he was even colder. The only time we ever felt like family was during the hunt. That was the only time I understood him.

  I raced through the trees, more excited than I had ever been on a hunt. I hated the idea of being forced into things by the curse, but I had to admit that I loved the freedom as a wolf. I loved how everything looked, tasted, and even smelled. It was something most people couldn’t experience, and it made me feel as though I was meant to be out there in the night, running wild. We had every advantage as wolves, but it was harder to appreciate those advantages in human form. Maybe that was what Mémère had meant about the lure of the wolf. It was far too easy to forget about human concerns in wolf form.

  Byron waited for me to calm down enough to hunt. I had been locked indoors for a long time, and I needed to make the most of the clear sky, the breeze that fondled my fur, and the never ending amount of things to see and smell. I ran as fast as I could, wishing I could go on forever without stopping. I could see why Byron turned to wolf when things got hard, but people were relying on me to be there for them. And as much as Perdita provoked my wolf’s attention, she kept the human in me alive.

  My stomach gave another gentle reminder that I needed to feed when Byron howled, signalling for me to join him. I trotted obediently through the trees until I caught his scent. The rabbit was gone, but he had spotted something else, a lone deer up ahead, young and probably inexperienced. Mature deer were rarely caught by us. We weren’t all that great at being wolves.

  Byron was nearly invisible, lying on the ground as black as night, watching patiently. He couldn’t outrun a deer, but I could. It was my job to herd the deer toward Byron. We could communicate, knew exactly what each other needed. He indicated for me to circle around the deer, but he didn’t have to as I knew our routine well.

  I trod silently on padded feet, as alert as I possibly could be, but barely able to hide my excitement. I needed to eat badly. The feed might give me the strength to get over everything going on in my human life. Things were a lot less complicated for Nathan the werewolf.

  I couldn’t see the deer, but I knew it was still there. I circled wide, keeping out of its hearing range. I could be the most silent animal in the woods if I tried. But I had to try hard.

  I crept closer to the deer. It still hadn’t noticed me, so I prepared to sprint. I became a little too over-excited and unleashed a nasty growl. The deer jerked its head up in fright before it scampered away. It was fast, but I was faster and gave chase happily.

  She took sharp turns, trying to trick me, outrun me, but I was agile, too. I skidded at one such turn, ploughing heavily into a tree, but I quickly recovered and re-joined the chase, panting hard. I heard Byron growl in annoyance. He hated when I had fun. I bypassed the deer and cut her off sharply. I had to repeat that method a number of times before I drove her into Byron’s path.

  The deer realised her mistake and belatedly attempted to retreat. Byron stepped toward her before leaping into the air, aiming at her throat. The deer froze in terror. He gripped her, and she made a few desperate struggles to free herself, but a couple of sharp twists left her limp. It was over.

  I shivered. Watching Byron kill was always an amazing, but chilling, sight. I needed that Byron at my side if the other wolves attacked again.

  He tore a lump of flesh and chewed before making a noise in the back of his throat. I joined him eagerly. We ate until our wolves were satisfied. We had to keep them happy, or they made our human lives hell. That was part of the price for the strength and speed we gained.

  We both ran, along with Cú, using up all of that excess energy that had had us on edge for weeks. For the first time, I felt calmer, less ready to flip out.

  In human form, back in the car, I gagged at the thought of what I had done on the hunt.

  Byron threw back his head and laughed. “Seriously, Nathan. Do I have to hear this every single time you hu
nt?”

  “Shut up.” I rolled down the window, just in case. “Opa told me you were worse than me for the first few years.”

  “Maybe I was. Not half as bad as your father, though. Good Lord, he used to throw up more than he ate. Kept it up, too, until he met your mother.” His laughter died away, but a grin remained. “Takes a long time to get used to it, but it’ll come, especially now that you have Perdita.”

  The air felt clearer between us. As a rule, hunting brought the family closer together. But Byron had avoided turning wolf since disaster had struck, and we were further apart than ever. I hoped that would change. I felt as though I were spiralling out of control whenever I left it so long between phases. It hurt physically to turn human again because my wolf relished the freedom so much.

  “Can’t leave it so long next time,” I said, gasping after another retching fit.

  He tensed.

  “What’s with you?” I asked. “Why do you keep avoiding it?”

  Hesitating, he glanced at me. “It’s hard for me to come back when it seems like there’s nothing to come back for.”

  “Oh, great. Thanks a bunch.” I glared at him, watching his jaw twitch. So I had been right. Amelia and I were nothing to him. Hearing him say it felt as if I had been struck, though, and it kind of surprised me that I even cared.

  “You don’t understand,” he said. “You have Perdita. You have Amelia. Your head is in the right place.”

  “I get it,” I said. “You’re still lumbered with the orphans. Why would you want to come back?”

  “It isn’t like that, Nathan. Not at all.”

  “Then how is it?” I asked, louder than I intended.

  “I’ve been afraid. The last time I lost people I loved, the wolf almost got the better of me. I didn’t want that fight again. Grief makes me weak, too weak. Finding my way back was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

  He fell silent, and I didn’t have a clue what to say. He soon changed the subject, making it easier for me to ignore the catch in his voice when he had said that grief made him weak.

  We made it back to the house unseen and let ourselves in through the back door as silently as possible. I ran straight upstairs to have a shower and brush my teeth before Perdita saw me. As dried blood mingled with water, I was reminded of the past, but I pushed the memory out of my head before it could stick.

  Clean and dressed, I ran down to Perdita and gathered her in my arms. Just seeing her made everything so much better.

  “Stop!” she squealed, and I set her down, stealing a kiss as I did.

  “Ugh. Get a room,” Amelia said before storming out of the room.

  “Hunting really does do wonders for you.” Cocking her head to the side, Perdita grinned, a flash of the real her shining through. I squeezed the ticklish part of her waist to hear her laugh. I missed making her laugh. I didn’t want it to stop.

  “Tell me we’re going to be okay,” I said.

  Her laughter died. She closed her eyes for a few seconds, and when she opened them again, her mask was back. “We’re going to be okay.”

  I turned away, moving out of her reach so she wouldn’t feel what ran through me at her words. Night after night, I had lain awake wondering how I could fix everything, how I could ask her to forgive me for what we had done to her. I hadn’t found an answer.

  She crept up behind me and wrapped her arms around my torso, her cheek against my shoulder blade. “Ask me again.”

  I didn’t. I didn’t want the lie, and that was the only thing she could give me.

  “Walk me home?” she asked after a moment of tense silence, sounding wearier than before.

  I knew I was driving her away. My family wasn’t helping either. I knew that she saw what Byron thought when he looked at her, that she had made a mistake in helping me when his parents had really needed her help. He resented me for it, too. I nodded and went outside to wait while she said her goodbyes to Amelia.

  I might be able to help Amelia, but I couldn’t figure out how to protect Perdita from her own memories or from Byron’s silent accusations. He would only deny them if confronted, but I knew the truth. Out of everyone who had been in the woods when Mémère died, I was the one he would have chosen to take her place. I was the disposable one.

  I leaned against the gate with my eyes closed until I caught her scent. I felt her presence uplift me, even though I knew in my heart that I wasn’t happy. She placed a butterfly kiss on my cheek and leaned against me with a sigh. I wrapped my arms around her and wished I never had to let go. When I thought about it, we had only really had a couple of seconds of normalcy, back before the werewolves came along and ruined everything. I wished I could give her something better than that. But we couldn’t change it, bar miraculously ending the curse. Deep down, I didn’t want that either.

  “Let’s go,” I said, taking her hand.

  We hadn’t made it down the end of my street when Perdita stopped walking.

  “What’s wrong?” I glanced around, on high alert.

  “We need to talk.”

  That sentence might have been scarier than the idea of werewolves hunting us.

  “What? Now? Here?”

  She pointed at the abandoned house I sometimes hung out in before leading the way. I tried to help her climb the bin against the wall, but she smacked my hand away and struggled up and through the open window all by herself. I had a feeling she was making some kind of point, but I had no idea what it might be. We might have been soul mates, but I hadn’t a clue what ran through her head most of the time.

  I sat on a crate and watched her pace the bedroom. My stomach curled up and died while I waited.

  “I’m tired of walking on eggshells around each other,” she began, pushing her hair behind her ears. “None of us are acting the way we should be, and it’s tiring.”

  I opened my mouth to speak, but apparently she wasn’t finished yet.

  “You asked if we would be okay. I can’t answer that. All I can say is, I’m not okay, and neither are you. None of us are okay, and you know what? That’s how it should be. Terrible things have happened. We’re all hiding them. That isn’t normal, and how are we supposed to be okay with that on top of us anyway? Yeah, maybe one day it’ll be different, but for now, I need to be sad and not feel guilty about it.”

  “Perdita, I—”

  “Wait, please. Let me get this out. I hate myself for what happened, for what I did, and I wish I could have helped Lia. I really do. But I don’t regret helping you, and if I could go back, I would probably do the exact same thing again. I’d have to. I’m sorry I—”

  I silenced her with a kiss, because I didn’t know what else to do. The curse took a lot of the guesswork out of everything between us, but it still didn’t help me with the complicated worries Perdita had.

  “It’s the curse,” I said when she pulled away. “It happened right there. I felt it. When I saw that wolf hurt you, everything went blank. I couldn’t tell you what happened next. I exploded, and I’m glad I did. There are some things the curse is good for, and protecting each other is one of them.”

  “We can’t blame the curse because it’s convenient, though.” Her frown deepened. “But I felt it, too. I was so angry. I don’t ever want to feel so... crazy again.”

  “I’ll keep you safe,” I promised.

  “It’s not up to you to keep me safe,” she said, but at least she was smiling again. “You look a lot less stressed after, you know, the whole hunting thing. Did you... did you, um, have fun?”

  I laughed at her grossed-out expression. “I feel better. It’s been too long. It might make the memorial a little easier.”

  She wrapped her arms around me. “Is there anything I can do?”

  “Just be here.” I touched her cheek, sort of amazed she could let me, knowing I turned into the exact thing that made her afraid. “We will be okay,” I said impulsively. I kissed her, and that overwhelming feeling of need wouldn’t allow me to let her go. When sh
e pulled back, we were both panting. I couldn’t even tell what was the curse and what was normal hormones anymore.

  We walked to her house, lingering outside because I didn’t want to let her go. Whenever she was around, I felt as though I could do anything, but as soon as she walked inside her house, the confidence left me.

  After she had gone inside, my phone vibrated with a text message.

  We will be okay.

  Back home, Byron made me sit in his office for a conversation. That surprised me, considering how much he had been avoiding me, but then I thought maybe the hunt had loosened him up again.

  “I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and although I’ve wanted to avoid the whole damn story, I think you need to be prepared for Jeremy’s return.”

  “Jeremy’s coming back?” I barely remembered my cousin. I had been a kid, still struggling to understand the loss of my parents, when he was that gangly teenager leaving to see the world.

  “I would imagine so. I expect the whole family to be reunited at the memorial, but that isn’t important right now. I want to prepare you for how you may feel around Jeremy.”

  I screwed up my face in confusion. “What does that mean?”

  He paced the room until I felt a little nervous. What the hell was wrong with Jeremy?

  “You’re coming into your own now, Nathan. You’ve already met your mate, so you’re that much stronger than before, that much stronger in will. Jeremy’s still searching for the one who completes the curse for him, so although he’s older, he’ll be behind you in some ways.”

  “What are you getting at?”

  “The family hasn’t ever had this problem because there had always been only one young man at a time. Then there was your father and me, always competing. Even though there’s nearly a decade between you and Jeremy, the fact that you’re maturing is going to make it naturally harder for either of you to place yourselves beneath the other in ranking. And then there’s Perdy.”