by Ellie Messe
Coming out of Josh’s office, we find the girls in the kitchen. Haley and Maria are looking over a magazine while Emma sits on the counter next to them. Her eyes met mine and I feel her anxiety. Furrowing my brow I nod at her to ask what’s wrong. Her response is to give me a face that says, ‘Where have you been?’. I nod to Josh and Parker behind me before kissing the side of Haley’s head.
“What are you guys up to?” I ask, snatching Maria’s vitamin water off the counter and taking a long drink.
“Looking at wedding stuff,” She answers before snatching her drink back, “How’d it go?”
“Good,” I smile, “Parker’s best man. Get’s to walk with the MOH,” I nudge Haley who swats me away.
“You get to walk with Emma.” Maria tells me, still focused on whatever her and Haley are doing.
Excitement blooms in my chest, “Yeah? I didn’t know you were gonna ask her. Awe, Mama Mia, that’s sweet.” Moving over the Emma I stop in front of her knees so I can lean in closer to her, “That was sweet you said yes too.”
In a moment of happiness, I spin my hat backwards, and plop a kiss square on Emma’s mouth with a loud smack, twisting my hat back forward I laugh a little and wink at her.
She is far from being impressed. In fact, she kinda looks pissed. I furrow my brow at her but she doesn’t respond. Just rolls her eyes and turns away from the room, checking something on her phone.
Shrugging it off, I hug Mia’s back, “Love ya.”
“You going?”
“Yeah, I gotta go to work.”
Leaning over I hug Haley awkwardly to avoid smacking into her brace.
“Grump-ass, you riding back with me?” I ask, throwing a chip at Emma.
“I’m not grumpy.” Is her grumpy ass response as she falls from the counter.
“‘Kay, well say goodbye we gots to go.”
After her quick round of goodbye’s we loaded up into the truck. I asked what was wrong but all she had to say was ‘Nothing.’ And ‘Take me home.’ In entirely too much attitude. So just like the Queen of Bitchforest ordered, I took her home.
Entering the house she’s still being a brat and I’ve about had enough.
“We’ve had a really good day, why are you throwing a fit?”
“I’m not throwing a fit.” She scoffs, taking off her jacket.
“You’re being grumpy as fuck and quiet, what’s up?”
“Nothing!”
“Something!” I yell back.
“You fucking kissed me in front of everyone.”
Taken back, I use the couch to steady myself, “I’m sorry, what? You’re seriously this pissed off because I fucking kissed you?”
“It’s against the rules and you fucking know it. We’re not supposed to do that, Drew!”
“Are you for real right now?” This is fucking ridiculous. There’s no possible way she can be this pissed over something as stupid as that. “You’re gonna let your day be ruined over a fucking kiss?”
“It’s not just that, that’s just what pushed me over the edge.”
“That’s dumb.” I state matter of fact.
“Shut the fuck up. Who are you to tell me what’s stupid or not?”
Oh my God. This is fucking stupid. “You know what? If you want to be mad- then fucking be mad, I don’t care. I haven’t done anything wrong. Sometimes I’m a little much- I know that. Sometimes I get a little too excited and yes, I can be annoying but I fucking mean well. It’s better than being a fucking asshole. So excuse the fuck out of me for having one of those moments, I didn’t realize the holy majesty would throw such a passive aggressive tantrum. I’ll keep my distance- don’t worry. Consider myself in check.”
Moving past her I try for the kitchen when she yells at my back.
“That’s not what I meant! Jesus, you’re like a chick sometimes.”
“Excuse me?” I turn and glare at her, did she just call me a chick?
“You’re so dramatic! But I’m the one who’s the tantrum? Fucking please, go look in the mirror.”
“What the hell do you call this then?!”
“I call this trying to talk to an irrational and exhausting man!”
I nod angrily, okay. Walking around the couch I lift her over my shoulder, ignoring her protests as I march to the front yard where the sprinkler is running. Standing in the stream of water, I put her down.
She shrieks, trying to escape the spray of water, “What the fuck is wrong with you, oh my God!”
“If you can be mad in there, you can be mad out here.”
“It’s not funny, Drew. It’s fucking freezing!”
“I know.” I stand stoic but she’s right, pretty sure my balls are trying to crawl back inside my body.
“This is ridiculous!”
“So stop being angry.”
“This is only making me madder!”
“Is it?”
“Yes! You fucking caveman, let go of me!”
“Are you done being pissed over something stupid?”
“Drew!” She growls my name in such a way it reminds me of a really pissed off house cat.
“Nope. When you’re done we’ll go inside. I fucking kissed you. I kiss you all the time. Shit, I kiss Haley all the time. It’s not enough to be this angry over. So you’re either lying and there’s more to it, or you’re the most irrational woman I’ve ever met.”
“I didn’t want to say yes to your Aunt but Haley kicked me and then I was left alone with them in the kitchen for almost an hour until you showed up and then you kissed me. I have every right to be mad right now.”
“I’d be mad if I was being held in the sprinklers too. Why didn’t you want to say yes?”
“I don’t know her.” She struggles in my arms, desperate to free herself.
“Yes you do.”
“Not really. Not enough to be in her freaking wedding party.”
Feeling my arms numb, I try to hold onto her without hurting her, “The wedding isn’t for months.”
“Who says I’m gonna be around that long?”
“Why wouldn’t you be?”
“You think we’re still gonna be fuck buddies in six months?” She asks incredulously as I let her go. Her arms wrap around her shivering body.
“I hadn’t really thought about it to be honest. I don’t see why you wouldn’t be.”
“What?” She huffs in disbelief, “You think we can go that long without catching feelings? Cause I don’t.”
Not sure how to handle this, I just stand there and shiver along with her.
“I don’t think it would happen.” I finally lie.
She scoffs sadly, “You feel nothing for me then? Right now? If you don’t then you’re the most heartless person I’ve ever met ‘cause I feel something for you. I’m trying my fucking hardest to fight it but it's happening. I can’t do this for six months without getting hurt.”
Taking a step forward I try to rewind and replay the last forty seconds, “I don’t know what to say. I’m trying to find the words, but I’m struggling.”
“You’re struggling?” She laughs without humor, “I just admitted that I think I’m falling in love with you and you’re the one who’s struggling?”
Annnnnd I don’t know what I’m doing.
I don’t know how we got here.
Oh, wow. This took a turn.
“Fuck.” She breathes, covering her face. “I didn’t say that, okay? I’m fucking freezing and pissed off, okay? I didn’t..” Showing me her face she gives me a defeated shrug, “Please say something.”
I am so confused right now. I don’t really have words, or thoughts, or really anything at all. “I uh, I need to shower before work and you need to get warm.” I wave to the door.
She stands there a moment, both lips pressed between her teeth before sadly nodding and moving ahead of me. I want to make her feel better, I really do, but I have no idea what to say or do. I don’t even know if I’ve processed what she just said or not. I’m cold and need
a shower so I’m going to focus on that and then maybe try to sort out what the hell just happened.
Chapter Sixty
Emma
“Did you just fucking tell me you were in love with me?” Drew storms into my bedroom, towel around his waist, shampoo suds still clinging to his hair. If I wasn’t so terrified right now I might have laughed.
“No, I was pissed and it just came out of nowhere.”
“But you said the words.” His wild eyes search mine, oh God I just want to hide under my covers.
“Just pretend I didn’t.” His head shakes no, almost frantically, “Please, pretend.”
“You love me?”
“God, Drew.” I groan, flopping back onto my bed. “I don’t know.”
“No, no, no, none of that.” He says grabbing my wrist and pulling me upright, “Answer me.”
I meet his eyes and I don’t know what I see. It’s not anxiety or hostility but it’s not exactly endearing either. They’re wild, confused, maybe a bit panicked, but there’s something else there too. Something I can’t quite figure out.
“It’s a possibility that I might be catching feelings, yes.”
“I didn’t ask if you were catching feelings, I asked if you were in love with me.”
“I don’t know.” I whisper, “I think I might be.”
Pulling back, he releases all the air in his lungs with a loud whooshing sound.
“Is this why you’ve been all fucking weird?” I nod in response, “Fuck.” His hand roams into his hair where he notices the soap still clinging to his hair, “I gotta finish showering. This is isn’t over hold on.”
I watch him disappear back into his bedroom before the first buck of my chest happens. Oh God, what have I done?
“Wait.” He yells, his voice coming back towards me, “Did you say you didn’t know if you were gonna be around?”
“What?” My voice breaks as I try not to cry.
“Outside. You didn’t want to be in the wedding cause you didn’t know if you’d be here?”
“Go shower.”
“Fuck the shower,” He growls moving closer to me, “Answer me.”
“I don’t know, Drew. We weren’t supposed to get involved and we did. We weren’t supposed to catch feelings but I did. I can’t stay around you without getting heartbroken, one way or another it’s gonna hurt me.”
“One way or another? Explain.”
“If we end this now, I couldn’t listen to you fuck all those girls, there’s no way. And if we keep things going, it would hurt me that it would never go past this, we’d never be anything more.”
“So you think your only option is to leave?”
“I don’t know.”
“Enough with that, yes you do.”
“Fine, yes. I think leaving would be the only way.”
“But if I could give you more?”
“What?”
“If I could give you more than what we have right now, you would stay?”
“You don’t do that-“
“Shut up. This is a yes or no question. Would you stay?”
Offering a confused shrug I nod, “Yeah, I mean I guess but I don’t know what you consider more or even if that’s what I need.”
“I don’t know either,” He pauses, rubbing his jaw. His eyes searching the floor for an answer, “This is isn’t over.” He looks up at me, “I have to rinse off, I’m gonna be late for work but this isn’t over okay. Don’t leave.”
I shake my head rapidly, “I’m not gonna leave, I wasn’t planning on leaving right now, I was just saying-“
“Just promise to wait, okay?”
“Okay. I promise.”
His head bobs up and down a few times before he pulls back and leaves me alone in my room. This time he doesn’t come back.
I’m not sure what it is I’m waiting for, but there’s a feeling in my chest that says something big is about to happen. And dare I say it, possibly even something amazing.
Chapter Sixty-One
Drew
Oh, God I’m a mess. I’m bartending like Alice and I want to stab myself in the dick for it. I’m trying, so hard, to keep calm. But I gotta be honest; I am freaking the fuck out right now.
It was fine when I loved her. I was good with it cause there wasn’t even an inkling from her that shit could move to anything else. I was good, real good. Then she had to go and say it out loud. I can’t even say it out loud. It was easy before, I loved her. I woke up, oh look there’s Emma, the woman I love. Id go to bed, with Emma, the woman I love. There wasn’t anything attached, no expectations, no rules, no titles, she was just simply the girl I loved. And then that went to shit.
I don’t know how to give someone more. I don’t know how a fucking relationships work or how to keep someone happy. My only example is Josh and he’s literally shit the bed every single time things were going good between them, I mean Maria always takes him back but she still has to go through all that shit and I’d rather rip my dick off then put Emma through that hell.
Oh for fuck’s sake, I think I’m about to have a panic attack. My chest is all tight, it hurts to inhale, and my hands are shaking like a fucking leaf.
“Hey, what’s up with you?” Danica comes up to my side, “You good?”
I shake my head, “I’m freaking out.”
“Why? What’s up?” Her hand comes up to my back where she rubs small circles, it’s helping.
“I’ve got entirely too much shit on my plate.”
“Need to fuck it out?”
God no. “No, no I don’t, not right now at least.” Though I wouldn’t mind being buried between Emma’s legs later…if she wasn’t in love with me. Oh God, why did she have to go and ruin it?
“You need a break?” She asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Yeah, I think I do. I’m serving like shit tonight.”
“I can see that. Go, I’ll cover for you.”
Moving around her, I step into the hallway, pacing back and forth. The last time I was this panicked was when Haley was attacked, go figure that fiasco happened just one door down from where I’m at.
Fuck, I gotta do something.
Pulling out my phone I open up my messages,
ME: Hales, for fucks sake I need you.
ME: Emma’s in love with me.
Staring at the phone, I will her to read it. When the read receipt doesn’t show up, I take to suicide texting.
ME: Hales
ME: Hales
ME: Hales
ME: Haley
ME: Answer
ME: Me
ME: Oh
ME: My
ME: God
Three dots appear and I blow out a breath in relief.
HALEY BAILEY: Whaaaaaaat?!
HALEY BAILEY: You’re so annoying!
ME: Shut up and scroll up.
After a minute the three dots appear again.
HALEY BAILEY: Oh shit.
HALEY BAILEY: What did you do?
ME: I had to go to work. I told her to wait.
HALEY BAILEY: Wait for what?
ME: To fuck, what do you think? TO TALK!
HALEY BAILEY: Are you upset about it?
ME: I don’t fucking know dude. I don’t know what I am. No, that’s a lie, yes I do. I’M FREAKING OUT.
HALEY BAILEY: Is this a good freak out?
ME: What the fuck is a good freak out?!
HALEY BAILEY: What time do you get off tonight?
ME: 11
HALEY BAILEY: Come over after. And stop freaking out. Just get through this last hour. It’ll all be fine.
ME: If you’re wrong you’re going ass to mouth.
My phone buzzes with her response but I don’t bother opening it. One hour. I just have to make it through one hour.
How hard can it be?
Fuck. Me.
One hour? It can be hard in case you were wondering. I’m basically running, I’m trying to get out of this place so fast. Leaving all my side w
ork for Alice, I jog across the lot and climb into the truck.
I stopped at the gas station for some booze on the way over the Haley’s apartment and make sure I have all the little shooters before climbing out.
God bless her little fucking heart, she meets me halfway down the stairwell with a bottle of orange juice in the crook of her arm.
“God, how’d I know you’d be bringing alcohol?” She smiles. It’s kinda sad watching her try to maneuver the bottle over to me with her bad wrists.
“How do your wrists feel?”
“Fine. It’s mostly just annoying not being able to move like usual. Stop letting me look like a fucking invalid and help me.”
Grabbing the lid of the container, I take it from her and let her lead the way back into their apartment.
“Heard Emma dropped the L word and you freaked out.”
“Heard your dick’s the smallest in the family and you’re still in denial.”
Parker chuckles, waiting for Hales and I to enter before shutting the door behind us.
“I want a drink too.” Haley tells me sitting down on the couch. I don’t understand how girls can sit like that, how they use their hands to shove their ankles up and under their asses, Emma does the same shit and it makes my knees hurt just looking at it.
Pulling three glasses out of the cabinet I start to mix some drinks, “So what’s the plan here?”
“Well, first we’re gonna drink, then I’m gonna make you admit exactly how you feel about Emma, then we’re gonna go to sleep.” She shrugs with a cocky little smile.
“Oh, that simple?”
“That simple. She knows your staying here right?”
“I didn’t realize that’s what was happening.”
“If you’re drinking, you’re staying.” Parker chimes in.
“One drink isn’t gonna phase me.” I roll my eyes at him before returning to our drinks.
“Which is why you’re gonna have five more.”
“Ugh, am I here to get lectured on drinking or to talk about the fact Emma’s in love with me and I have no idea what the fuck to do about it?”
Parker gives me a warning look to calm down as Haley talks, “Well you don’t seem mad about it.”
“I’m not.” Wasn’t that obvious?
“Okay, so how did it all come out?”
“Well she was all pissy when we left Josh and Maria’s right?” Handing each of them a glass, I take mine from the counter and sit on the loveseat across from Haley, “Well, when we got home I made her tell me why and apparently she was all pissed off cause I kissed her in front of you guys, like everyone doesn’t already know we’re fucking, anyway, I ended up putting her in the sprinklers out front for being mad over something stupid when she said she was falling for me.”