by Ivy Smoak
He wrapped his arm more securely around me as we stared down at the crashing waves. “How about something just the two of us?”
I leaned my head against his shoulder. It was like he could read my mind. “That sounds perfect. Oh.” I looked up at him. “How about we go to Salt Air? I won that gift card. It can be my treat.”
“Are you that sick of pizza?” he said with a laugh.
“No, but I think a night out would be fun. We can eat and drink and dance.”
“You won’t turn me down like you did yesterday when I asked you to dance?”
I laughed. “I wanted you to ask me because you really wanted to…not because you were being protective.”
“You say protective like it’s a bad thing.”
“Is it so wrong that I wanted you to be jealous? Just a little bit?”
“People are jealous when they want something that isn’t theirs. I was protective because you already possessed me. I was already yours. And you were already mine.”
I turned to look up at him, the view of his blue eyes so much better than the sea itself. “You wanted to protect what’s yours?” The wind from the ocean blew my hair into my face.
He pushed it back, drawing my lips up to his. But his lips stopped a fraction of an inch from mine. “I haven’t stopped thinking about you ever since I first saw you on the beach. Even before I knew your name was Jellyfish Girl.” He closed the distance between us. A slow kiss that took my breath away.
I’m his. And he’s mine. God, his answer was simply amazing. I had been worried about asking him what he meant by protective instead of jealous. But listening to his answer made my knees weak. Everything he said was so romantic. He pulled away far too soon.
“You’re a great kisser,” I mumbled. I thought it was incoherent, but J.J. smiled.
“Oh, really? I could have sworn after our first kiss you said, ‘It wasn’t even a good kiss.’ Which really shattered my confidence.”
I lightly hit his arm. “I was upset. But…it wasn’t technically a lie…”
He raised both his eyebrows. “Ouch. Are you trying to wound me?”
I laughed and stood up on my tiptoes. “I wasn’t lying because it was a great kiss, not a good one.” I wrapped my arms behind his neck and kissed him again. His hands slid to my ass, not a care in the world that his friends were nearby. Yup, my assessment was right. J.J. was a great kisser.
Chapter 21
Saturday
“I can spend the night at Reggie’s again if you want to bring J.J. back here,” Kristen said as we ran along the beach. She’d been spending most nights this week with him. Like I’d been spending most nights with J.J.
“That sounds great.”
She laughed. I wasn’t sure how she could laugh after running so many miles. I could barely even breathe.
“I like it,” she said. “You don’t hesitate anymore. You know what you want and you just go for it. I think I’m wearing off on you.”
I tried to smile, but I’m sure it came out as more of a grimace because of my cramp. “Well, in that case…I’d love to turn around. The couch has my name on it. I want to make a stack of pancakes so high that the syrup drips down the sides in that picture-perfect way. And while I’m stuffing my face with sugary goodness, we can look for Swatch on Project Runway.”
“Oh…yeah. Let’s do that. I’m pretty sure just the thought gave me a sugar orgasm.” She laughed again as we turned around. “Have you told J.J. about transferring yet?”
That was the weirdest segue ever. My mind was still stuck on syrup. “No, not yet.”
“What are you waiting for?”
“I haven’t heard back from admissions yet. Plus I need to talk to my dad about tuition. I’ve been putting it off because whenever I call him it always makes me sad. But I’m going to call him today, I swear. Right after I go into a carb coma.”
“Why does calling him make you sad?”
I splashed through a wave that had come up a little higher in the sand. “Promise you won’t judge me?”
“When have I ever judged you?”
“You always judge me.” I gave her a hard stare.
She responded by rolling her eyes. “Never. So spill it.”
“I don’t know.” I focused on my breathing for a minute. “He always seems so happy,” I finally said.
“And that makes you sad?”
I nodded, but I wasn’t sure she had seen it. “Happier than he was with me and my mom.” And he never asks how I am. Not once. Not even after the divorce. Maybe because he knew the answer. I missed him and he didn’t miss me back.
She didn’t say anything. “Well, I’m happy with you. And I’m certainly not looking to replace you any time soon.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Kristen.”
She nudged me with her shoulder. “Race ya back to our stud Swatch and pancakes!” She took off like lightning.
Kill me now.
***
I stared down at the cracks on my cell phone screen. It was easier to look at them then the string of missed calls from an unknown number. Probably Aiden. Definitely Aiden. And it was easier than finding my dad in my contact list and actually going through with the call. But I had to do it. I wanted to come home. I wanted to be less than three hours away from J.J. by car. Not a six hour plane ride away. Long distance was easier when you were closer, right? That had to be a thing. I could even take the train up to New York and do homework the whole time. It would be kind of perfect.
I took a deep breath and swiped my finger across the screen. Ignoring the missed calls, I pressed on my dad’s number and pulled my cell phone to my ear before I could chicken out. It rang a few times and went to voicemail.
There was no way I was leaving a message and then waiting around on pins and needles. I hung up the phone. I’d try his house phone. He’d told me before not to call their house phone. He didn’t say why, but I had a pretty good hunch. His wife Nancy hated being reminded that I existed. If she had her way, I would be completely erased from the family. More so than I already had been.
The phone rang a few times. I started drumming my fingertips along my thigh. Please, someone pick up. I hoped it was either my dad or one of my half-sisters. Then I wouldn’t be reprimanded for ruining Nancy’s day. Right before I thought it might switch to voicemail, someone picked up.
“Hello? Wilson residence,” said an overly chipper voice.
I could tell it was his wife. Every other female in the house had high-pitched children’s voices. And they weren’t quite as fake friendly as hers. “Um. Hi, Nancy. It’s Mila. Is my dad home?”
“Oh.” The chipper tone was immediately gone. “Mila. One second, I’ll get Dale.”
I heard her yell for my father, letting him know it was me.
“He can’t talk for long though, Mila, okay? He’s playing with our girls.”
The way she said it was so snooty I wished I could reach through the phone and slap her stupid face.
“Yeah…I understand.” I did. She was telling me not to cross her. I just didn’t understand why talking to my father bothered her so damn much. He was mine before he was hers. And she clearly won. My dad hated me as much as she did now. I wasn’t a threat to her perfect little family.
There was a muffled noise as the phone switched hands. And then I heard my father’s voice. “One second, pumpkin.”
I put my hand to my chest. I couldn’t even remember the last time my dad called me that. But it was definitely sometime before he moved out. Maybe I’d been too hard on him. Maybe he did miss me too. I was about to say, no problem, Dad, but he started talking again.
“I’m sorry, pumpkin, but Daddy’s on the phone. We can play in just a minute. It won’t take long, I promise.” He cleared his throat. “Hi, Mila. Sorry about that, Emma and I were in the middle of a game of Candy Land.”
He hadn’t been talking to me when he said pumpkin. He was talking to my youngest half-sister. “You’re playing Candy Land?” I asked,
trying not to sound hurt.
“Yes. It’s a board game.” His voice was so formal.
I knew what Candy Land was. I wasn’t surprised by the game, I was just surprised that he was playing it. My dad had never played games like that with me growing up. He’d always wished I was a boy. He taught me how to play football, swing a baseball bat, and shoot a basket. He didn’t play Candy Land. Why was he suddenly so content with having daughters? He was 21 years too late. “Oh,” was the only thing I could think of to say. “How are you? How are Emma and Isabella?”
“We’re all good. Nancy too.”
I pressed my lips together. Of course he’d focus on the fact that I hadn’t asked about Nancy. But I’d just talked to her. I could tell she was good. She was as uptight and bitchy as ever. “Great,” I gritted through my teeth. “What have you been up to?” Why was small talk with him so painful?
“We just got back from vacation yesterday and are recouping this weekend.”
Recouping from a vacation? Why was that necessary? “Where did you go?”
“Down to Galveston with the whole family.”
The whole family? What about me? I blinked, telling my impending tears to fuck off. “That sounds fun.”
“It was.”
I waited for him to ask how I was. Where I was. What I was doing. If I was going on any vacations this summer. Anything. But of course he didn’t. He didn’t even know I was at the beach we always came to as a family when I was younger.
“I know, pumpkin,” his voice sounded a little farther away. “Just another minute, okay?”
He was trying to get rid of me. Talking to Emma the way he used to talk to me again. Didn’t he realize how much that hurt me? Didn’t he care at all? I gripped my phone a little tighter. The answer to my question was pretty obvious. He didn’t care one ounce about me. He hadn’t for years.
“I should probably go,” he said. “It was nice chatting with you.”
Seriously? We’d been on the phone for less than a few minutes and hadn’t talked about anything. We hadn’t spoken in months. Despite what he wanted, I wasn’t invisible. He couldn’t pretend I didn’t exist the way Nancy always did. “Dad,” I said before he could hang up on me. I hated the way my voice cracked when I called him Dad. “I’m trying to transfer to the University of New Castle. I haven’t heard back from admissions yet, but can you hold off on sending payment through to SMU? Until I hear back?”
“SMU is a good school.”
“It is. But I wasn’t happy there. I want to come home.” Ask me why I wasn’t happy there. Ask me if I’m okay now. Ask me anything.
“You mean to Delaware, right?”
Don’t worry, I don’t mean home to you. “Of course. I’m actually already back in town at the beach we used to come to when I was little.”
“Oh.”
I waited for him to recall the good times with me. Any times with me. But he didn’t.
“Well in that case, that’s fine,” he said. “Whatever you want. Just send me an email when you hear. It’s easier that way.” AKA don’t call me again.
“Why is that easier? Because Nancy hates when I call? I tried your cell phone but you didn’t pick up.”
“It’s off. I told you, we’re recouping this weekend. Just taking some family time.”
“And what am I?”
“You know what I meant,” he said.
No. I didn’t. Instead of saying anything at all, I just wiped under my eyes, not knowing when the tears had started to fall.
“And speaking of Nancy, the two of us had a discussion. We need to start saving for our girls’ future. So this year of tuition will be the last thing we’re footing the bill for. So just be aware in case you lose some credits in the transfer. And make plans accordingly for after graduation.”
Our girls. The fact that I wasn’t one of them was blatantly clear. He was finally cutting me off. I wasn’t surprised. Right after the divorce he threw money and gifts at me, like that made up for the lack of him showing up. But it had gotten less and less over the years. The only thing he paid for now was my tuition. I figured this would happen soon anyway. And I wasn’t even surprised by the way he worded it, like this was the last time he was ever going to talk to me. He was finally erasing me from his new perfect life, like I was just a bag of garbage he could toss away. “Okay.” My voice sounded small. All I wanted to do was scream obscenities at him. Instead, I said okay. Nothing about this conversation was okay.
“Great,” he said. “I’m glad you understand.”
“Yeah, I definitely understand.”
“I should be getting back.”
“Go for it.”
“Oh, and Mila?”
“Yes?” I let a small piece of me feel hopeful. But just a small part. Because my dad had stomped on my heart so many times I’d lost count.
“When I said we’d only pay for this last year of tuition that really did mean just the tuition. We’ll be switching over to a new phone plan at the end of the month and we won’t be transferring your number. That gives you some time to make the appropriate arrangements.”
I forgot that he also paid for my shattered cell phone. Great. “Not a problem,” I said. I could pick up a few extra shifts at Sweet Cravings. Besides, he’d always been wrong about the money and gifts. They didn’t fill the void of him not being around. They made me feel cheap and unwanted. And I didn’t need his fucking handouts. I didn’t need him in my life at all. I was as done as he was.
“Have a good summer, Mila.”
I wished he meant it. I wished his words didn’t have the double meaning, because all I heard was that he didn’t want to hear from me for at least the rest of the summer. But most of all, I wished my father wasn’t such a dick. I think I hated him more than I hated Aiden. And that was really saying something. “You too, Dad.” I hope the rest of your life is everything you want it to be. But it won’t include me anymore. I hung up the phone. I tried to wipe my tears away, but they kept falling.
I’d wasted so many years of my life trying to be enough for him to love me. Why wasn’t I enough? Why was I never enough? His new family wasn’t better than me. They were just shiny and new. He’d probably get bored again in a few years and break all their hearts too. I felt a little better knowing that his assholeness had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him.
I took a deep breath and got up off my bed. I was done being a steppingstone. Anyone who didn’t want me in their life? It was a two-way street. I didn’t want them either. And I didn’t need to wait till the end of the month to rip the Band-Aid off. There was a cell phone store at the end of the boardwalk. I’d get a new phone right now. A new number. And cut all the toxicity out of my life for good.
Chapter 22
Saturday
Two hours later, I was walking out into the sunshine with a brand new phone. About 30 minutes into standing around and waiting to be helped, I had considered coming back. Saturday afternoon probably wasn’t the best day to go. Especially since I had Tuesdays and Thursdays off, which had to be less busy. But at that point I had already waited a while. Besides, now it was done. And two hours was a short amount of time to waste given the fact that I’d wasted 21 years on my dad. Now I was free. I wasn’t even going to give him my new number. Not that he’d be missing it…he never called me anyway.
I pulled out my phone from the bag and squinted at the screen in the sun. It was an older model than the one I used to have, but it was surely just as good. It’s not like I needed all the new fancy camera functions. I wasn’t exactly the type that was taking selfies for Instagram nonstop like the girls I had just passed on the boardwalk.
The tech guy helping me had tried to transfer all my contacts into my new phone and I practically had to tear it out of his fingers. I didn’t need all my old contacts. All I needed my phone for was communicating with three people – my mom, Kristen, and J.J. That was it. And by communicating, obviously I meant texting because calling people was th
e worst thing ever. Phone calls should have been un-invented years ago, if un-inventing things was a thing. And voice mails. Don’t even get me started on the demonic ways of voicemails. Anyone who leaves voicemails should be bitch-slapped into next week by the phone they used to commit such a heinous crime.
I pulled out the piece of paper I’d scribbled my important numbers on, which had caused quite the eye roll from the tech guy, and put them into my new phone. And then I shot off three texts, letting the only three nice people in my life know how to contact me now.
Kristen responded immediately. “New phone? Exciting! But do you know what’s more exciting? The package that showed up an hour ago with your name on. Get your ass home before I give in and open it myself!”
I thought about what on earth it could be as I walked down the boardwalk. But it only took me a few seconds to realize what it probably was. Well, there were two options really. Either it was anything I’d left at my dad’s house that he wanted to get rid of, which may have been one book or something else small. I’d never even had my own room at his new house. Whenever I’d visited when I was younger, I was always sent to the guest room. How fitting since that’s how he views me. I was too naïve to realize it at the time. I’d just considered the room temporarily mine since I didn’t live there. For years I’d always given him the benefit of the doubt when I should have been throwing hot coffee in his face on a daily basis.
The other option for a surprise package wasn’t quite as insulting. Maybe it was the stuff I’d asked Aiden to ship back to me. If that was the case, it was good news. It meant I got all my stuff back and that he was most likely done calling me nonstop. I smiled to myself. He couldn’t call me anymore even if he wanted to. I had a new number. Win win all around. And if it was my stuff from his apartment, that meant I could wear that cute dress I’d left in his closet. Otherwise I’d surely be squeezed into God knows what of Kristen’s. Not that she had too much time to torture me. J.J. was supposed to come pick me up in less than an hour.