“What made you think there was any way for you to undo things? You gave me away to the neighbors, then the cook when the neighbors gave me back, refused to acknowledge I existed, and watched the entire household abuse me in every way possible. You thought music lessons and a couple of instruments would fix that? Really, what the fuck were you thinking? How fucking stupid is that?” Dane knew if looks could kill, the one she gave Christine would’ve put her on trial for murder.
Of course, as much as Dane loathed admitting it, the few tokens her mother had thrown her way in life had stuck with her. She considered it was those gestures that festered and burned more than she believed they should. She still had those first instruments from her mother. The violin was lovingly resting in a case alongside the guitar in Dane’s music room, which used to be Nicole’s den. That violin had lived through tough times, but no matter what happened, Dane always made sure she had it with her.
Tears began to gather in Christine’s eyes, and Dane wasn’t sure if she should feel horrible or satisfied by that reaction. She didn’t want Christine to cry, but she did want the woman to realize things didn’t happen just because she deemed it so. Wounds that were decades old didn’t seem to mend either.
“I don’t know what to do. I don’t want us to be the way we are anymore.” Christine sniffled as she wiped her eyes. It didn’t occur to Dane to offer her a tissue.
“How we are? We’re strangers,” Dane said. Christine acts like there was something between us to even be considered a relationship.
“I wish we were. It would be so much easier if we were just strangers. Instead, we’re at this point where if I don’t do something, I know I may never see you again. I know and acknowledge I’d be much poorer for it. In the past, I would’ve lied to myself and said that I could live with that, but I can’t. I can’t lose any more family. I’ve already lost so many people. I just can’t lose any more family. I just can’t.” Christine bawled, shaking her head.
Dane’s face scrunched up as she considered Christine and her words. She wondered who the 'so many people' were. Yes, her mother had lost her parents at an extremely young age; neither of them lived to see her first birthday. But, other than that, Dane couldn’t think of anyone. Hell, even her mother’s grandparents, who had raised her, were actually still alive. Curiosity won out.
“What do you mean?”
Christine took a deep breath and collected herself. Sniffling, she turned her attention to Dane. “I think it would be best if I showed you.”
Dane arched an eyebrow. “Showed me?”
“Yes. Come, I think this will be the best for you to gain some understanding of me, as I have gained some understanding of you.”
Dane sighed and put her hand through her hair. She didn’t really want to gain any understanding of Christine. Again, it only made it seem like Christine was full of excuses and wanted to play the victim. But, Dane was still curious.
She shrugged and motioned for Christine to lead the way. Christine nodded and marched to the door. Dane called out to Nicole that she’d be back later. She wasn’t even sure if Nicole heard her, but she wanted to see what Christine was so anxious to reveal.
The car ride was silent and much longer than Dane anticipated. Almost half an hour after they took off, they pulled up to a cemetery. Dane continued to just follow Christine’s lead and didn’t ask any questions. They marched through the garden of headstones and memorials before coming to the site her mother wanted. Dane looked down and read the stone. It belonged to “Harun Miller. Beloved son and brother.”
“Is this your father’s grave?” Dane guessed.
Christine nodded. “This is my father. It took a lot of work to find that out since my grandparents would never even say his name around the house. It wasn’t until I saw my birth certificate that I had a name to go by. He and my mother were married, I assume. She had her name down as Miller on the certificate, and my family name was down as Miller, too. I doubt that made my grandparents very happy. I never knew that was my last name until I saw it on the birth certificate.”
Dane nodded. “They kept a lot from you?”
“Pretty much any and everything about my father, they kept from me. Before I saw my birth certificate, the most I knew about him came from some photos I found in my mother’s old bedroom. She had them hidden away under a floorboard in her closet. There were love letters, too. It was clear from the language that he loved her dearly. In one letter he talks about how happy he is that she’s carrying his baby. He seemed like he was overjoyed, and he hadn’t even met me yet.” A sad smile graced Christine’s face.
Dane almost felt compassion for her mother. Instead, she consciously decided to feel sorrow for a man who never got a chance with the daughter he obviously wanted. Of course, had he lived, Christine’s grandparents would’ve tried their damnedest to keep him from seeing Christine.
“Do you know how he died?”
“Drunk driving. Unfortunately, he was the drunk one.” Christine sighed. “He was lost without my mother, I suppose. She died so unexpectedly, and he took it badly. Plus, he was fighting with her parents over me and he just got so depressed. I managed to find and speak to his friends, and they said up until that time, he’d never drank. His friends said that he had been so happy with my mother and with me. They made it seem like God had wronged my father when my mother died, and I think my father actually took it that way. His friends said he changed completely after that and they understood why, because he had loved my mother so thoroughly, to lose her was too much for him to bear. Not being able to have me was salt on already festering wounds. I wish I had known him, and I wish I had treated his legacy to me with much greater respect.” She focused directly on Dane.
Dane put her hand through her hair. “Okay, so you obviously weren’t ashamed of him. Just me.”
“It wasn’t shame. Not at first. The reason I took your picture when you were a baby, even after Russell openly showed his disgust and contempt for you and swore that I had cheated on him, was because I was actually proud and happy of how you looked. I wondered ‘was my father’s skin this tone at one point?’ I met his family once…when I started looking for him.”
“They were my complexion or something?”
“No. From who I met, they were a shade or so darker than you are. They knew who I was right away. They showed me a few pictures and gave me some basic information about him, but beyond that they didn’t want anything to do with me.”
Dane’s brow wrinkled. “Why not?” She would’ve thought his family would be happy to have the kid he was so heartbroken over. Christine was a little piece of him still here. What the hell is wrong with people?
“They blamed my grandparents for his death. They said he never would’ve started drinking if they had just treated him with respect and had they not tried, and succeeded might I add, to take me away from him. My grandparents made his life hell, I didn’t even need them to tell me, but they did, in great detail. My grandparents did everything they could to keep my father away from my mother, and they didn’t stop harassing him when my mother died. For his family, my grandparents were behind the wheel of the car the night he died. It was so clear that even twenty years after the fact, they were still crushed by his loss. They didn’t want to know me because of them. They said I reminded them of how my grandparents treated him, and my presence only reminded them of what they lost and how they lost it. I was crushed…” Christine sighed, shaking her head. “I could actually understand their reasoning, but I couldn’t hate my grandparents because they were the only parents I had known. I felt so lost…” She shook her head again and wrapped her arms around herself briefly.
Dane sighed and rubbed her temples. She thought she understood what Christine hinted at. But, as much as she understood it, she was glad it changed nothing inside of her. She didn’t feel forgiveness, but she also didn’t feel more resentful.
“They ignored you and you ignored me. You probably could even empathize with my situat
ion, but you were scared to lose the people that had always been there for you. Why risk it all on a kid who looked kinda like the folks that threw you away, huh?” It makes sense, but it didn’t make sense.
“That’s a horrible way to put it, but unfortunately, rather accurate,” Christine confessed with a nod.
Sighing, Dane looked around for a second. “Why is it different now? You say you don’t want to lose any more family. How do you know you haven’t already lost me? Even if you haven’t, if you get closer to me, don’t you just lose Russell?”
“Honestly, I feel much more secure in my relationship with Russell now than I did when you were born. Yes, we had already been together for a long time, but now we’ve been together decades, children, grandchildren. I was by his side for many of his less than stellar moments, and I stood by him through his stroke. He may never accept you, Dane, but I don’t think he’ll reject me for reaching out to you.”
“And if he did?” Dane couldn’t, and wouldn’t, even consider putting herself out there, only to be dropped like a hot brick. Besides, apparently she was only worthwhile now because Russell didn’t have the options he once had. No matter what, she was a last thought to Christine.
Christine rubbed her forehead. “I wouldn’t reach out if I planned on letting go again. I wouldn’t do the unforgivable twice, especially after suggesting we start over. Dane, I brought you here, to this spot that I haven’t shared with anyone, to let you know how serious I am.”
Dane blinked in surprise. “You haven’t shared this with anyone?”
“You’re the first person I’ve brought here. The first person I’ve told about what happened between my father’s family and me. Sometimes, I come out here to think, and I feel close to my father. I talk to my dad. He knows all the dark, depressing details of my life. I’m sure he’s ashamed of me wherever he is. I tried to lead a good life, but what I allowed to happen to you and between us…He and my mother didn’t care what I looked like. They were happy to have me for the short time they did. I should’ve been more than happy to have you.”
“Can’t call you a liar there,” Dane grumbled, scratching her head.
“I knew at the hospital, after you got hit by the car, if I didn’t do something, I’d be more dead to you than my own parents are to me. The very thought made me physically ill. I couldn’t even get excuses to be near you with Nicole by your side. She takes better care of you than I ever have.”
“She does,” Dane said without hesitation. It was the truth. “Not that it’s a hard thing to do, considering.”
Christine nodded and smiled, taking the snap in her stride. “I’m happy for you. You deserve a good life. I just want to be a part of your life in any way that you’ll have me.”
Her hand went through her black hair as Dane sighed. She didn’t know what to do and decided she didn’t want to deal with all of the information for the moment. Turning around, she started back toward the car while fighting off the weary sensation that crept through her body. This was all so draining. Her mother silently followed behind her.
The ride back to the house was as quiet as the ride to the cemetery had been. Dane spent most of the time looking out of the window, trying to make sense of the world, to make sense of Christine and what she should do. There was so much. She had baby pictures, mementos, memories of neighbors who had been parents for a short time, and now information about her mother’s other family. It all just swirled together, and she couldn’t figure out what it meant or how she should feel. When they came to the house, Dane was the only one to get out of the car. She wasn’t surprised, figuring Christine had her own thinking to do.
“Is it all right if I call you sometime soon?” Christine asked in a low tone.
Dane scratched her head. “Honestly, I have no idea. Don’t know if I’ll be willing to talk or not.” This wasn’t some great odyssey that led to some emotional epiphany. While they had both learned a great deal, Dane didn’t feel any different toward Christine.
“So, it would be the same as before?” Christine’s voice cracked. Her eyes held the usual fear, but now there was a spark of hope, too.
Dane shrugged. “I guess. Take a chance. See what happens.” Maybe she did feel different. Maybe she’d pick up. She didn’t know.
“I will,” Christine promised.
“Then that’s pretty much it. Today we learned some things about each other. I just need to see where I’m going to take this.”
Christine nodded. “I understand.”
That seemed to be a good enough farewell for them. Dane strolled into the house as her mother drove away. Haydn was yapping at Danny’s feet the second she stepped through the door. Nicole wasn’t far behind him.
“How’d it go?” Nicole asked with a small smile.
Dane scratched her head. “Not sure.” She wrinkled her nose a bit.
Nicole nodded. “Well, I made dinner if that helps.”
“It helps a lot. A hug would help a whole lot more.”
“I think I can do better.”
Dane smiled as Nicole embraced her with loving arms and then planted a passionate kiss on her lips. In that moment, Dane felt her world right itself. Sure, she still had no clue what to do about her mother, but it didn’t seem pressing. It could wait.
***
“Were these the things your mother had in the bag?” Nicole asked, as she and Dane settled on the couch after dinner. The mementos Christine brought over were still spread out on the coffee table.
“Yeah. You didn’t look through it while we were out?”
“I had other things to do, like make sure dinner was ready and Haydn needed a walk.”
Dane nodded. “I can see how you didn’t have time to snoop. Well, we can snoop together. She didn’t get to show me much before I went off on her.”
“I heard. No one came looking for you when you were gone for a year?” Nicole asked, sadness in her eyes. Her hands actually trembled, and Dane took them into her own to get them to stop.
Dane wasn’t surprised Nicole had heard. She’d probably been yelling, even though she didn’t mean to. She was just so sick of her mother and all of that other bullshit. She locked eyes with Nicole. She wanted Nicole to understand how serious her words were.
“Nope, but that doesn’t matter, Nick. What I went through doesn’t matter. I survived, I made it through, and I’m here now to share my life with you. That’s what matters. If I had to live through all of the bullshit, all over again, to be in this moment, you know I would.” She truly would. Nicole let her know she wasn’t unlovable. There wasn’t something wrong with her and not all people were assholes wanting to abandon and ruin her.
Nicole gave her a soft smile. “That’s sweet of you, but I would’ve preferred you have a normal, functioning childhood, even if it meant that our paths would have never crossed.”
“Can’t change the past, Chem. I’m doing better now. Let’s just leave it at that. Hey, you wanna see something to cheer you up?”
“What?”
Dane reached over onto the coffee table and picked up the photo she’d claimed. She held it up for Nicole to see. Emerald eyes widened and Nicole gasped.
“Is that you as a baby?” Nicole cooed in both awe and disbelief.
“According to my mom, that’s me. I can’t believe I had so much blond hair.”
Nicole’s eyes remained wide as she stared at the photo. “You were so small.”
“Again, according to her, I was tiny. I told her I’m keeping this picture. This is the first time I’ve ever seen what I looked like as a baby.”
Nicole shifted her body to cuddle into Dane. “That’s a shame. Do you want to go through and see if she had more pictures of you as a baby?”
Dane nodded and leaned forward, picking up the photo album her mother had flipped through. There were a few more pictures of her as a baby and some pictures of her as a toddler, but it still seemed like too few pictures that someone would have of her child, even if it were her fourth.<
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“Hey, do you have pictures of you as a kid?” Pictures and stories of a normal childhood, her beloved’s childhood, would cheer her up.
Nicole regarded her with a curious expression before nodding. “I have some, but my parents kept most of those. Let me go get the album.”
“I’ll get you some cookies then.”
Nicole didn’t object to that offer. They went their separate ways and met back up at the couch. Nicole settled in against Dane again and gave Dane the photo album to keep her hands free for the cookies.
“So, let’s see what we have here.” Dane cracked open the book. The first page held candid shots of Nicole’s parents fawning over her as a baby. “You were a lot lighter when you were a baby.”
“My eyes were also blue when I was a baby, according to my parents.”
Dane felt her brow furrow. “I guess it’s possible. I didn’t know eyes changed color, but then again, I never would’ve believed I started out as a blond.”
“You didn’t really start out blond. You just had a lot more of it than you have now.” Nicole ran her hands through Dane’s hair. There were faint strands of blond highlighting ebony locks and Nicole always seemed fascinated by them. Dane didn’t mind.
Dane chuckled and turned her attention back to the album. “Wow, do you have the chicken pox here?” There was a little toddler covered in telltale sores, lying on a couch and looking absolutely sullen with mittens on her hands.
Nicole ate a cookie. “Oh, God. My mother said I was so miserable. She tried everything to make sure I didn’t scratch, but nothing worked. I was in tears most of the time and gave myself a fever. In the end, I remember the only way to keep me from freaking out was having her hold me and read me a story. It’s just about the first thing I remember in life.”
“Sounds nice.”
“It wasn’t for me. I was so itchy,” Nicole wailed.
“I don’t remember having the chicken pox. But, I don’t remember a lot of my early childhood. Oh, what’s this one?” Dane flipped the page. “Where are your teeth?”
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