I shook my head. You were the one who brought me here. You probably had it figured out. Maybe that’s why I came here. I thought you might come and rescue me, a damsel in distress, rescued by her knight in shining armour. Only I never figured the Church of the Reborn would show up with you.
You can’t stay here, Joss, he said. His face earnest. You must come with me. You have fallen upon hard times and Father Jacob says he knows a half-way house where you can stay until you get back on your feet.
I was incredulous.
Shayne, I said, slowly. You have no idea how angry what you just said makes me. Now, I don’t want to get vicious, okay? I really don’t. What I want is for you to go your way and me to go mine, okay? I am fine. Absolutely fine. There is nothing that you have that I need.
Just think about it, Joss. He was insistent. You’ve got such potential. You’ve got a great brain, and you deserve so much more. Father Jacob says you can help out with the books for the church, and maybe even get a full-time job there.
I put the lid back on my oatmeal and pushed it away. Shayne, I said, fuck off. I tried to be nice, I tried to say it politely, but you wouldn’t hear me. So here you go, in a way that even you will have to hear, through your brainwashed, cotton-soaked Jesus-filled ears: Fuck Off.
I gathered my purse and started to leave.
I know where your dad is, Shayne said quietly and I stopped, half-standing, frozen like a character in a TV movie when you press pause to go to the toilet.
What? How can you know? No one knows.
I got George to help me. He does taxes, right? Well, everybody who comes to Canada ends up on the tax system one way or another. He helped me find your dad.
I sat down. So where is he?
I can’t tell you unless you come with me, he said.
And that’s when I slapped him. I slapped him as hard as I could, and the crack echoed through the coffee shop like a tree struck by lightning. Everybody turned to look at me. I was lucky Serena wasn’t there to haul me in for assault.
Shayne rubbed his face. Ow, that really hurt. I didn’t realize you were so strong, Joss.
This is what your God tells you? I hissed. To blackmail a person and hold from her from the very thing she has wanted to know her entire life? Some God, Shayne. Some Jesus you found. Don’t tell me then. I don’t care, okay? Goodbye, fuck you, have a nice life.
I got up and marched out, wishing I could slam the coffee shop door, but it was on loaded springs and closed gently behind me. I stood on the sidewalk, my chest heaving. I could hardly breathe when who should come up but Emma.
Hey, she said, and she looked annoyed. I thought we were meeting up for a picnic last night but no one showed. What’s with that?
Fuck you, Tammy, I spat at her. And then I ran. I ran from her startled, pale face, her open mouth and her wide, shocked eyes. I ran away from Shayne who had come out of the Tim’s behind me and was standing next to Emma. Both of them watched me run, as fast as I could go.
42. THE OVERWHELMING EVENT
ANGER. I HAD NEVER KNOWN SUCH ANGER. Where to even begin? Lies, lies, all of it lies.
I wished I could scream, gouge my own skin, hit something. Anything to let out this rage.
I ran until I could run no further. And then I walked.
I walked for miles and I shouted at the sky and hit my thighs with my fists and sometimes I cried. I walked and walked until I was ready to lie down in the dirt, unable to take a single step further.
I ended up in a town bigger than the one I had left, but a town less fortunate than my lakeside haven. This town was down on its luck. I stood at the edge of the main street, eyeing a strip mall that had a tattoo parlour, a nail bar, a grimy convenience store and Sapphyre’s Bar and Grill.
I limped to the pub, went in, and got myself a booth. I ordered a plate of chips and a large lager, and then went to the washroom and examined my feet. They were raw with blisters that had swollen and popped like jelly fish stranded on a bloodied beach, and I had lost two toe nails. My feet were filthy so I washed them in the basin which had old-fashioned taps that ran a continuous stream of hot water, not just auto-spray that turned itself on and off.
I was gentle with my poor feet and dried them carefully. I did not want to put my sandals back on, but I was not willing to walk barefoot on the linoleum floor, which had seen better days.
As had I.
I could hardly bear to look at myself in the mirror, but I forced myself. It wasn’t pretty: I was wild-eyed and grimy, and my hair was in knots. I washed my face, knowing this would not help fix my expression of ultimate betrayal and hurt.
I scrubbed my hands, soaping and resoaping, and I washed my arms and under my armpits, leaving tiny bits of paper towel stuck to me.
I wanted to cry, but I was afraid that if I started again, I would never be able to stop.
I took my hairbrush out of my purse and combed out the worst of the knots, unable to get all the tangles free.
You stupid idiot, I said to my reflection. You stupid, stupid bitch. You trusted all the wrong people. They lied to you, and now you’re left all alone.
I went back inside to the booth where a lager and a plate of chips were waiting.
I downed half the beer, but I couldn’t eat and I pushed the chips away from me.
I put my head in my hands. Think, think, think.
Ash. Maybe elegant, lovely Ash could help me.
I dug the phone out. I had forgotten to turn it back on, and when I did now, the screen lit up with a bunch of missed calls, all of which I assumed were from Ashley. I found myself unable to talk to even him, so I put the phone down on the table and finished my beer. I ordered another one immediately, with a shot of vodka on the side. I leaned back in the booth and closed my eyes and just as I did, the phone started vibrating and ringing, and I grabbed it without thinking.
Ash?
Joss? Where are you?
Far away. I am far, far away.
My round of drinks came, and I slugged back the vodka. You have no idea what kind of day I’ve had, I said, but he interrupted me.
I do know. You didn’t have the phone on and I was worried so I went looking for you. I found Emma with Shayne. Quite the happy-clapper, isn’t he? Anyway, never mind. Just tell me, where are you?
I won’t tell you if you’re going to tell that lying bitch or that loser, Shayne.
I won’t tell them, you have my word. Shayne has gone back to the church. Apparently he has a curfew on weeknights and he had to go to evening mass. And Emma is with me, but I won’t bring her. She told me everything that happened. They both told me everything.
Everyone lied, Ash. And you were right about Emma. She’s such a liar. And Shayne, he tried to blackmail me, and Emma left her kids just like my dad left me. My whole life is like a stupid stuck song of people letting me down and leaving.
Joss, he said gently. We’ll talk about everything when I come and get you. Come on, where are you?
In a pub called Sapphyre’s Bar and Grill.
I know where that is. My goodness, that is far. It will take me half an hour or more to get to you. Promise me you won’t leave.
I can’t leave, my feet are covered in blisters that popped. I can hardly walk.
I’m not happy you are in pain, but I am happy you can’t move.
Where’s Rob, I wanted to know. How come you can do all this gallivanting around?
Turn’s out he has to be in Montreal until next week, so I am bringing you home to stay with me. Don’t argue.
I’m too tired to argue, I said. So hang up already, Ash, so you can come and get me. This place is a real dive.
A couple of the locals shot a filthy look in my direction.
Leaving as we speak, Ash said. See you soon.
Hey, Ash?
Yes?
I’m go
ing to be very drunk by the time you get here.
43. THE CLEAVING ASUNDER
I WAS DRUNK BY THE TIME ASH ARRIVED, so he helped me to the car. I passed out on the way home, and he woke me and got me onto the sofa that Emma had slept on. I woke a couple of hours later with a parched throat and a headache like an overripe melon ready to explode.
Here are some painkillers they gave me at the hospital, Ash said, handing me two big white pills with a glass of water. I think you need them.
Bloody right, I said, swallowing them down. Oh God, my whole body hurts.
Come on, Ash said. I am going to get the spa bath going for you.
I limped behind him and stood there, shifting my weight from one damaged foot to the other while he ran a deep bath.
Get undressed and get in, Ash said. I’ve got two sisters. Well, I had two sisters, and you don’t have anything I haven’t seen before.
I nodded, my head still aching, the nerves behind my eyeballs throbbing.
I undressed and climbed gingerly into the hot scented water.
Ow, I said. Ow, ow, bloody ow.
My feet stung too badly to be in water and I propped them up on the edge of the bathtub.
Poor feet, I apologized to them. I’m sorry.
Poor feet, Ash agreed. Shayne was definitely wrong to do what he did, he stated, handing me a small face towel.
You think? I dunked the towel in the water, wrung it out and put it over my face. Fucker, I said thickly through the soothing steaming towel. I am so angry, Ash, and I don’t even know where to start. Take Emma. Fucker’s name is Tammy. She’s the runaway mommy of two adorable little kids, and the wife of a picture-perfect handsome guy who seems really genuine. And she had money all along. She had money for Sammy and yet, she let me go and make a deal with the devil about a dead girl. Does that make me an accomplice to murder? I never thought of that before. But never mind that; she had money! And she had a cellphone! She tried to take yours, I never told you that. And she had two thousand dollars! She didn’t need me to go and sell my soul.
Two thousand dollars is a lot to spend on a dog if you are homeless, Ash said. I whipped the towel off my face and sat up, sloshing water on him.
I can’t believe this. You’re defending her. How can you defend her?
I’m not defending her. I’m just saying that, yes, she did have money, but if that’s all you’ve got in life, then giving it all away to fix your dog is asking a lot. And it explains her greed when she was here that night. But I must say, I am very glad I didn’t let her try on my watch. She would probably have made a run for it.
And leaving her kids, how can you defend that?
Ash sighed. It’s not about right or wrong, Joss. And if it is, then she was wrong for sure. But you have to look at it this way. She’s how old, twenty eight? She hated her life, hated it. And how could she leave if not in the way that she did? And she’s right in a way. Pin-up boy Mike will get a new wife who will be happy to be a real mother to those kids, and they’ll be better off.
Will they? Look at me. I’ve spent most of my life wondering where my real dad is and trying to understand why he left me. She did exactly what he did and look how much I have suffered.
It was what it was, Ash said. I’m not saying it wasn’t hurtful, but look how many people don’t have one or the other parent. And your stepdad sounds like a great guy.
That’s not the point. On this matter I will not change my mind. It’s my genetic pool, mine, and I have a right to know about it. And how do you think Shelly and Andy will feel growing up, knowing their mother was a sociopathic bitch who found her life with them boring as hell? How do you think that will make them feel?
Ash shrugged. It’s up to them. And to Emma or Tammy’s credit, lots of people make the wrong choices and then live out their lives pretending to be something and someone they’re not and it kills them. I guess I can relate to her in the sense that I had to be dramatic too, in order to leave the church. I abandoned my family to be who I am. I did what she did, in a way. I did. Think about it.
I did, sloshing under the beautiful water and feeling the heat soak its healing energy into my tired limbs and aching joints.
So you’re saying there was no right or wrong way for her to have done this?
Sometimes, there is no way to do a right thing. But you have to do a necessary thing in order to be who you really are. And the world may hate you for it, but you have to do it anyway.
I picked up a bar of soap and sniffed it. Nice. Did Shayne tell you where my dad is?
He did not. As I said, he left to go to church and meet his curfew.
I lay back down until my nose was touching the bubbles.
What do we do next? I asked.
We reconcile, he said, examining his hands.
I sat up and looked at him. What have you done?
I have invited everybody, in other words, Shayne and Emma, here for dinner tomorrow night. Rob will be back late on Monday night and so we are perfectly safe. The cleaners will come on Monday morning and take care of everything.
No, I said. I can’t. I never want to see either of them again.
I understand they hurt you, I do. But they lied because of their own lives, not because they were trying to hurt you.
What are you? I was grumpy. Some ancient sage handing out life lessons like fortune cookies? Back off, Master Zen. I’m not interested in forgiveness.
Then, my dear, you will wallow in self-pity as deep as the bath you’re in, which, by the way, has grown cold and all the bubbles have gone. Come on, let me help you out. We’ll put some ointment on your feet and we can watch a movie or do anything you like.
Despite his kindness, I was angry and hurt by his words.
I. Do. Not. Wallow, I said. Life handed me lemons, and I fucking hate lemonade.
Lemon meringue pie? Ash suggested. Lemon ice cream? Lemon sorbet? Cookies with lemon centres? Sangria with lemonade?
I laughed, slightly. Fine, I said. I do get the point.
And if you see Shayne, he said, you can find out about your dad.
But Emma? Why should I see her?
Because she wants to explain. She does, in her own inimitable way, feel sorry for what she did.
I dried myself and got into a pair of Ash’s sweatpants and a T-shirt.
I don’t want to watch a movie. I said but how about you making me a killer cheese sandwich? I must stop saying kill and die and killer. Since Kitty, it all has a new meaning.
Cross my heart and hope to die, Ash said, grinning, that I’ll make you the best grilled cheese sandwich in North America. Joss, I know Em and Shayne hurt you. Please don’t think I am making light of any of it. I do think what they both did was wrong. It’s just that, I also understand it, that’s all. But it’s the people who are in our lives now that count, like you and me. And Rob and me. I am so lucky to have him.
A darkness fell over my thoughts. Rob was a liar and a thief. But there was no way I could tell Ashley about that yet, so I buried my face in a towel. Sooner or later, I would have to tell him what I had discovered.
He helped me down the stairs and onto the sofa.
My feet are still stinging like crazy, I said. I don’t know how I will get to sleep. Those pain meds took the edge off but there’s no way I’ll be able to fall asleep.
Rob always takes his sleeping meds with him when he goes, Ash said. Or I would give you some of his.
Wait. I sat up and dug through my backpack. Remember when we were in the hospital? When you went to get your X-ray, there was an emergency, and I went into the hall, and there were all these meds on a table and no one around. So, I took a bottle of sleeping pills. I had totally forgotten about them until now.
You stole pills? My word. I’m glad you didn’t set off any alarms. What made you take them? That doesn’t sound like you?
I don’t know. They were just there, and Mum’s got the same kind, so, I just took them.
Well, never mind, he said. At least they will help you get a good night’s sleep tonight. Meanwhile, I’m going to make you your sandwich. I won’t be long.
He vanished into the kitchen, and I heard him bustling around, clanging things and even using the blender for God knows what.
Just a simple grilled cheese, I shouted at him, but he ignored me.
I lay back and thought about what he had said. It seemed like my entire life had been one endless lesson of the world trying to teach me that it was nurture that counted, not nature. That my obsession with my biological father had done me more damage than knowing the truth would ever have done me any good. But, I railed, my old war cry, it was my right to know. My right.
And Emma? How could I possibly condone what she had done? All those lies: the drug-dealer boyfriend with a snow dusting of coke everywhere, the abuse, the foster homes, the poverty. She had even had her own phone, and yet she tried to take Ashley’s. I guess I needed to hear her side of the story, but the only thing I knew for sure was I could not trust anything she said anymore. I didn’t even know what it was that I should call her, Tammy or Emma?
I closed my eyes. And Shayne. Once the love of my life, now a nasty manipulator in the name of Jesus.
Joss? It was Ash, waving a fragrant grilled cheese under my nose.
I sat up. No wine?
Not if you’re taking a sleeping pill. Here’s some Perrier. How is your head?
Sore. All of me is sore, I said. I bit into the sandwich. Ash, you are gifted. Delicious.
He grinned and bit into his own sandwich, leaving a long cheese pull across his chin, and we both laughed.
What did you think of Shayne? I asked.
He shrugged. Religious fanatics of any kind aren’t my favourite cup of tea, and he’s got it bad. It’s like you can’t see who he really is. He’s hiding inside a big mascot suit.
He did before too, only it was his affable stoner persona, which, I added, was preferable to this getup.
Between the Cracks She Fell Page 22