SUB. Is serv’d
Upon the knee!
FACE. And has her pages, ushers,
Footmen, and coaches —
SUB. Her six mares —
FACE. Nay, eight!
SUB. To hurry her through London, to the Exchange,
Bethlem, the china-houses —
FACE. Yes, and have
The citizens gape at her, and praise her tires,
And my lord’s goose-turd bands, that ride with her!
KAS. Most brave! By this hand, you are not my suster,
If you refuse.
DAME P. I will not refuse, brother.
[ENTER SURLY.]
SUR. Que es esto, senores, que no venga?
Esta tardanza me mata!
FACE. It is the count come:
The doctor knew he would be here, by his art.
SUB. En gallanta madama, Don! gallantissima!
SUR. Por todos los dioses, la mas acabada hermosura, que he visto
en mi vida!
FACE. Is’t not a gallant language that they speak?
KAS. An admirable language! Is’t not French?
FACE. No, Spanish, sir.
KAS. It goes like law-French,
And that, they say, is the courtliest language.
FACE. List, sir.
SUR. El sol ha perdido su lumbre, con el esplandor que trae
esta dama! Valgame dios!
FACE. He admires your sister.
KAS. Must not she make curt’sy?
SUB. Ods will, she must go to him, man, and kiss him!
It is the Spanish fashion, for the women
To make first court.
FACE. ’Tis true he tells you, sir:
His art knows all.
SUR. Porque no se acude?
KAS. He speaks to her, I think.
FACE. That he does, sir.
SUR. Por el amor de dios, que es esto que se tarda?
KAS. Nay, see: she will not understand him! gull,
Noddy.
DAME P. What say you, brother?
KAS. Ass, my suster.
Go kuss him, as the cunning man would have you;
I’ll thrust a pin in your buttocks else.
FACE. O no, sir.
SUR. Senora mia, mi persona esta muy indigna de allegar
a tanta hermosura.
FACE. Does he not use her bravely?
KAS. Bravely, i’faith!
FACE. Nay, he will use her better.
KAS. Do you think so?
SUR. Senora, si sera servida, entremonos.
[EXIT WITH DAME PLIANT.]
KAS. Where does he carry her?
FACE. Into the garden, sir;
Take you no thought: I must interpret for her.
SUB. Give Dol the word.
[ASIDE TO FACE, WHO GOES OUT.]
— Come, my fierce child, advance,
We’ll to our quarrelling lesson again.
KAS. Agreed.
I love a Spanish boy with all my heart.
SUB. Nay, and by this means, sir, you shall be brother
To a great count.
KAS. Ay, I knew that at first,
This match will advance the house of the Kastrils.
SUB. ‘Pray God your sister prove but pliant!
KAS. Why,
Her name is so, by her other husband.
SUB. How!
KAS. The widow Pliant. Knew you not that?
SUB. No, faith, sir;
Yet, by erection of her figure, I guest it.
Come, let’s go practise.
KAS. Yes, but do you think, doctor,
I e’er shall quarrel well?
SUB. I warrant you.
[EXEUNT.]
SCENE 3
ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME.
ENTER DOL IN HER FIT OF RAVING, FOLLOWED BY MAMMON.
DOL. “For after Alexander’s death” —
MAM. Good lady —
DOL. “That Perdiccas and Antigonus, were slain,
The two that stood, Seleuc’, and Ptolomee” —
MAM. Madam —
DOL. “Made up the two legs, and the fourth beast,
That was Gog-north, and Egypt-south: which after
Was call’d Gog-iron-leg and South-iron-leg” —
MAM. Lady —
DOL. “And then Gog-horned. So was Egypt, too:
Then Egypt-clay-leg, and Gog-clay-leg” —
MAM. Sweet madam —
DOL. “And last Gog-dust, and Egypt-dust, which fall
In the last link of the fourth chain. And these
Be stars in story, which none see, or look at” —
MAM. What shall I do?
DOL. “For,” as he says, “except
We call the rabbins, and the heathen Greeks” —
MAM. Dear lady —
DOL. “To come from Salem, and from Athens,
And teach the people of Great Britain” —
[ENTER FACE, HASTILY, IN HIS SERVANT’S DRESS.]
FACE. What’s the matter, sir?
DOL. “To speak the tongue of Eber, and Javan” —
MAM. O,
She’s in her fit.
DOL. “We shall know nothing” —
FACE. Death, sir,
We are undone!
DOL. “Where then a learned linguist
Shall see the ancient used communion
Of vowels and consonants” —
FACE. My master will hear!
DOL. “A wisdom, which Pythagoras held most high” —
MAM. Sweet honourable lady!
DOL. “To comprise
All sounds of voices, in few marks of letters” —
FACE. Nay, you must never hope to lay her now.
[THEY ALL SPEAK TOGETHER.]
DOL. “And so we may arrive by Talmud skill,
And profane Greek, to raise the building up
Of Helen’s house against the Ismaelite,
King of Thogarma, and his habergions
Brimstony, blue, and fiery; and the force
Of king Abaddon, and the beast of Cittim:
Which rabbi David Kimchi, Onkelos,
And Aben Ezra do interpret Rome.”
FACE. How did you put her into’t?
MAM. Alas, I talk’d
Of a fifth monarchy I would erect,
With the philosopher’s stone, by chance, and she
Falls on the other four straight.
FACE. Out of Broughton!
I told you so. ‘Slid, stop her mouth.
MAM. Is’t best?
FACE. She’ll never leave else. If the old man hear her,
We are but faeces, ashes.
SUB [WITHIN]. What’s to do there?
FACE. O, we are lost! Now she hears him, she is quiet.
[ENTER SUBTLE, THEY RUN DIFFERENT WAYS.]
MAM. Where shall I hide me!
SUB. How! what sight is here?
Close deeds of darkness, and that shun the light!
Bring him again. Who is he? What, my son!
O, I have lived too long.
MAM. Nay, good, dear father,
There was no unchaste purpose.
SUB. Not? and flee me
When I come in?
MAM. That was my error.
SUB. Error?
Guilt, guilt, my son: give it the right name. No marvel,
If I found check in our great work within,
When such affairs as these were managing!
MAM. Why, have you so?
SUB. It has stood still this half hour:
And all the rest of our less works gone back.
Where is the instrument of wickedness,
My lewd false drudge?
MAM. Nay, good sir, blame not him;
Believe me, ’twas against his will or knowledge:
I saw her by chance.
SUB. Will you commit more sin,
To excuse a varlet?
MAM. By my hope, ’tis true, sir.
The blessing was prepared, would so tempt heaven,
And lose your fortunes.
MAM. Why, sir?
SUB. This will retard
The work a month at least.
MAM. Why, if it do,
What remedy? But think it not, good father:
Our purposes were honest.
SUB. As they were,
So the reward will prove.
[A LOUD EXPLOSION WITHIN.]
— How now! ah me!
God, and all saints be good to us. —
[RE-ENTER FACE.]
What’s that?
FACE. O, sir, we are defeated! all the works
Are flown in fumo, every glass is burst;
Furnace, and all rent down, as if a bolt
Of thunder had been driven through the house.
Retorts, receivers, pelicans, bolt-heads,
All struck in shivers!
[SUBTLE FALLS DOWN AS IN A SWOON.]
Help, good sir! alas,
Coldness and death invades him. Nay, sir Mammon,
Do the fair offices of a man! you stand,
As you were readier to depart than he.
[KNOCKING WITHIN.]
Who’s there? my lord her brother is come.
MAM. Ha, Lungs!
FACE. His coach is at the door. Avoid his sight,
For he’s as furious as his sister’s mad.
MAM. Alas!
FACE. My brain is quite undone with the fume, sir,
I ne’er must hope to be mine own man again.
MAM. Is all lost, Lungs? will nothing be preserv’d
Of all our cost?
FACE. Faith, very little, sir;
A peck of coals or so, which is cold comfort, sir.
MAM. O, my voluptuous mind! I am justly punish’d.
FACE. And so am I, sir.
MAM. Cast from all my hopes —
FACE. Nay, certainties, sir.
MAM. By mine own base affections.
SUB [SEEMING TO COME TO HIMSELF].
O, the curst fruits of vice and lust!
MAM. Good father,
It was my sin. Forgive it.
SUB. Hangs my roof
Over us still, and will not fall, O justice,
Upon us, for this wicked man!
FACE. Nay, look, sir,
You grieve him now with staying in his sight:
Good sir, the nobleman will come too, and take you,
And that may breed a tragedy.
MAM. I’ll go.
FACE. Ay, and repent at home, sir. It may be,
For some good penance you may have it yet;
A hundred pound to the box at Bethlem —
MAM. Yes.
FACE. For the restoring such as — have their wits.
MAM. I’ll do’t.
FACE. I’ll send one to you to receive it.
MAM. Do.
Is no projection left?
FACE. All flown, or stinks, sir.
MAM. Will nought be sav’d that’s good for med’cine,
think’st thou?
FACE. I cannot tell, sir. There will be perhaps,
Something about the scraping of the shards,
Will cure the itch, — though not your itch of mind, sir.
[ASIDE.]
It shall be saved for you, and sent home. Good sir,
This way, for fear the lord should meet you.
[EXIT MAMMON.]
SUB [RAISING HIS HEAD]. Face!
FACE. Ay.
SUB. Is he gone?
FACE. Yes, and as heavily
As all the gold he hoped for were in’s blood.
Let us be light though.
SUB [LEAPING UP]. Ay, as balls, and bound
And hit our heads against the roof for joy:
There’s so much of our care now cast away.
FACE. Now to our don.
SUB. Yes, your young widow by this time
Is made a countess, Face; she has been in travail
Of a young heir for you.
FACE. Good sir.
SUB. Off with your case,
And greet her kindly, as a bridegroom should,
After these common hazards.
FACE. Very well, sir.
Will you go fetch Don Diego off, the while?
SUB. And fetch him over too, if you’ll be pleased, sir:
Would Dol were in her place, to pick his pockets now!
FACE. Why, you can do’t as well, if you would set to’t.
I pray you prove your virtue.
SUB. For your sake sir.
[EXEUNT.]
SCENE 4
ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME.
[ENTER SURLY AND DAME PLIANT.]
SUR. Lady, you see into what hands you are fall’n;
‘Mongst what a nest of villains! and how near
Your honour was t’ have catch’d a certain clap,
Through your credulity, had I but been
So punctually forward, as place, time,
And other circumstances would have made a man;
For you’re a handsome woman: would you were wise too!
I am a gentleman come here disguised,
Only to find the knaveries of this citadel;
And where I might have wrong’d your honour, and have not,
I claim some interest in your love. You are,
They say, a widow, rich: and I’m a batchelor,
Worth nought: your fortunes may make me a man,
As mine have preserv’d you a woman. Think upon it,
And whether I have deserv’d you or no.
DAME P. I will, sir.
SUR. And for these household-rogues, let me alone
To treat with them.
[ENTER SUBTLE.]
SUB. How doth my noble Diego,
And my dear madam countess? hath the count
Been courteous, lady? liberal, and open?
Donzel, methinks you look melancholic,
After your coitum, and scurvy: truly,
I do not like the dulness of your eye;
It hath a heavy cast, ’tis upsee Dutch,
And says you are a lumpish whore-master.
Be lighter, and I will make your pockets so.
[ATTEMPTS TO PICK THEM.]
SUR [THROWS OPEN HIS CLOAK]. Will you, don bawd and
pickpurse?
[STRIKES HIM DOWN.]
how now! reel you?
Stand up, sir, you shall find, since I am so heavy,
I’ll give you equal weight.
SUB. Help! murder!
SUR. No, sir,
There’s no such thing intended: a good cart,
And a clean whip shall ease you of that fear.
I am the Spanish don “that should be cozen’d,
Do you see, cozen’d?” Where’s your Captain Face,
That parcel broker, and whole-bawd, all rascal!
[ENTER FACE, IN HIS UNIFORM.]
FACE. How, Surly!
SUR. O, make your approach, good captain.
I have found from whence your copper rings and spoons
Come, now, wherewith you cheat abroad in taverns.
’Twas here you learned t’ anoint your boot with brimstone,
Then rub men’s gold on’t for a kind of touch,
And say ’twas naught, when you had changed the colour,
That you might have’t for nothing. And this doctor,
Your sooty, smoky-bearded compeer, he
Will close you so much gold, in a bolt’s-head,
And, on a turn, convey in the stead another
With sublimed mercury, that shall burst in the heat,
And fly out all in fumo! Then weeps Mammon;
Then swoons his worship.
[FACE SLIPS OUT.]
Or, he is the Faustus,
That casteth figures and can conjure, cures
Plagues, piles, and pox, by the ephemerides,
/> And holds intelligence with all the bawds
And midwives of three shires: while you send in —
Captain! — what! is he gone? — damsels with child,
Wives that are barren, or the waiting-maid
With the green sickness.
[SEIZES SUBTLE AS HE IS RETIRING.]
— Nay, sir, you must tarry,
Though he be scaped; and answer by the ears, sir.
[RE-ENTER FACE, WITH KASTRIL.]
FACE. Why, now’s the time, if ever you will quarrel
Well, as they say, and be a true-born child:
The doctor and your sister both are abused.
KAS. Where is he? which is he? he is a slave,
Whate’er he is, and the son of a whore. — Are you
The man, sir, I would know?
SUR. I should be loth, sir,
To confess so much.
KAS. Then you lie in your throat.
SUR. How!
FACE [TO KASTRIL]. A very errant rogue, sir, and a cheater,
Employ’d here by another conjurer
That does not love the doctor, and would cross him,
If he knew how.
SUR. Sir, you are abused.
KAS. You lie:
And ’tis no matter.
FACE. Well said, sir! He is
The impudent’st rascal —
SUR. You are indeed: Will you hear me, sir?
FACE. By no means: bid him be gone.
KAS. Begone, sir, quickly.
SUR. This ‘s strange! — Lady, do you inform your brother.
FACE. There is not such a foist in all the town,
The doctor had him presently; and finds yet,
The Spanish count will come here.
[ASIDE.]
— Bear up, Subtle.
SUB. Yes, sir, he must appear within this hour.
FACE. And yet this rogue would come in a disguise,
By the temptation of another spirit,
To trouble our art, though he could not hurt it!
KAS. Ay,
I know — Away,
[TO HIS SISTER.]
you talk like a foolish mauther.
SUR. Sir, all is truth she says.
FACE. Do not believe him, sir.
He is the lying’st swabber! Come your ways, sir.
SUR. You are valiant out of company!
KAS. Yes, how then, sir?
[ENTER DRUGGER, WITH A PIECE OF DAMASK.]
FACE. Nay, here’s an honest fellow, too, that knows him,
And all his tricks. Make good what I say, Abel,
This cheater would have cozen’d thee o’ the widow. —
[ASIDE TO DRUG.]
He owes this honest Drugger here, seven pound,
He has had on him, in two-penny’orths of tobacco.
DRUG. Yes, sir.
And he has damn’d himself three terms to pay me.
FACE. And what does he owe for lotium?
DRUG. Thirty shillings, sir;
And for six syringes.
SUR. Hydra of villainy!
FACE. Nay, sir, you must quarrel him out o’ the house.
Masters of the Theatre Page 54