Other women will choose to numb themselves to the pain and keep busy, or fall prey to workaholism as their attempt to cope. They will collapse onto their couch when they get home, unable to summon the energy to exercise, visit friends, or even cook a meal. Others blabber on incessantly about the bitch to whoever will listen.
It’s much easier to assume that the sisterhood of solidarity is fully functioning, so perhaps many women convince themselves that they are simply too sensitive to cope with a corporate role or that their fragile personality can’t tolerate blunt indifference. Some women still feel like damaged goods from school encounters with mean girls and are too ashamed to tell their adult friends that festering childhood wounds lie so close to the surface that they’re worried it’s all happening to them again, but that this time, it’s at work.
It is hard to gain consensus on bitchy behavior, usually because some women can’t bring themselves to believe there is malicious intent. Or they assume the target must be overly sensitive or that they deserved it or that it is simply a matter of style or personality difference. Or they struggle to comprehend that there could be a deleterious impact if they have never been on the receiving end of sustained, undermining, and insidious nastiness.
Bitchy behavior is generally identified as female-specific behavior, and while some types of bitches have elements of bullying in their behavior, bitches can be subtle, sly, inconsistent, or duplicitous as easily as they may rant, scream, or make seemingly idle threats. The behaviors, in isolation, can be easily dismissed as a bit irrational, perhaps the result of PMS, pregnancy, tiredness due to the work-home juggle, or other things that don’t usually apply to men. Excuses abound, often offered by other females.
Some women are bullies. These women get off on exercising the power they have over others. Bullies revel in the put-down, a raised voice, and the deliberate undermining of projects as tools to get what they want. Their goal might be an upcoming promotion, the boss’s favor, or just the simple joy of hurting others, but the only difference in how men and women bully is in the details of the method, not the intent or the reasons.
Complicating the legitimate concern about bitchiness at work, the word bitch is often used as a term of endearment, with tea towels, cards, and T-shirts displaying affectionate bitch usage such as “You say bitch like it’s a bad thing.” As one young woman said, “All girls have a capacity for, and often an enjoyment of, bitchiness. It’s kind of like our social currency in a way. We love our sarcasm.” Assertive, confident, and strong-minded, young women see no reason to hold back from articulating what others may be thinking but are too timid to say.
Some Gen-X women describe themselves as tigers who enjoy tossing around their prey; for them, being bitchy is sport or entertainment while having to tolerate “tiresome, unassertive, or nice” women in the workplace. Some baby-boomer women aren’t interested in being meek and mildly patient toward others—they don’t have time for manners or tolerating fools gladly. They pride themselves on their sharp, droll wit and enjoy decimating other women with piercing rejoinders in the same way they like doing crosswords.
Antiheroines are increasingly popular. Cool, fun, droll, and amusing, many women want to emulate celebrities and stars, finding the antics of “bad girls” fascinating. Paris Hilton, Lady Gaga, TV series like Damages, or reality shows like Survivor—they can all lead to mixed feelings when it comes to discussing what is “acceptable” bitchiness. It’s little wonder that antiheroic behavior in the workplace is on the increase as we are becoming conditioned to admire sarcasm and punitive wit and applaud unconscionable tactics to eradicate rivals.
At the other end of the spectrum to the affectionate, empowering, or funny use of bitch is the politically correct opposition to the use of the word in relation to women. The word is considered derogatory by some, period. In this book, the word is used as a way of describing behavior (bitchy) or labeling women who exhibit malicious, spiteful behavior.
There are consequences for condoning bitchy behavior in the workplace—it eventually costs the organization money in lost productivity, whether the “mean girl” is the receptionist or a project leader. Allowing bitchy behavior is a poor reflection on management and costly in the long run. So in addition to having a moral duty to care for employees, workplaces have financial motivation to do so.
PART ONE
Mean Girls—They’re Not All the Same
She was mean, obstructive, and downright destructive, ensuring that every door to my involvement in significant events was closed…. Worse still, she hovered over me like a dinosaur. She continues to wreak damage; she’s just power hungry.
—Yvette
How to Identify the Mean Girl You Work With
A mean girl at work can spoil career enjoyment and satisfaction. In many cases, the effects of bitchiness contribute to stress, sick or disability leave, a loss of self-esteem, and a reluctance to go to work. Women can be severely affected at an emotional, mental, and physical level. It is often one of the key factors in a decision to resign, take a severance package, or request personal or medical leave.
Some bitchy behavior is easier to identify and categorize than others. There might be several bitches in an organization, and they can be at any level—they could be in the executive leadership team, a member of the board, someone on your team, or general support staff. But in most situations, it is a direct manager or co-worker who causes the most grief. And it doesn’t matter what industry you work in—bitchy people are everywhere. I’ve talked to dog groomers, students, economists, retail workers, managers, counselors, CEOs, board members, bankers, lawyers, TV producers, paramedics, academics, executive assistants, cleaners, psychologists, journalists, scientists, and teachers, to name but a few. Many women have been reduced to quivering wrecks, whether they sell shampoo or sit on boards.
Human behavior isn’t neat and tidy. It’s often messy and hard to interpret and understand, let alone work with, and it cannot be easily categorized by applying hard-and-fast rules. But we all know what bossy means, and what control freaks are like—we recognize the way they act toward other people. So while bitchy behavior can be very complex, it is possible to name some common clusters of behavior that define the different types of bitches most women encounter. By identifying the type you work with, you will understand what drives her and develop better ways of handling the situation. You’ll start learning to protect yourself against her behavior.
You will probably find that one or two types will more accurately describe your work bitch than others; you won’t necessarily find a perfect fit. You might be best able to identify your mean girl by eliminating the types that do not define her behavior.
Most bitches seem to fall naturally into one type, although some may also exhibit behaviors from one or two other types. For example, the Narcissist might also lie. But she spends most of her time being self-absorbed, not telling lies. When trying to work out what kind of bitch you work with, look first for the predominant behavior.
From discussions with my counseling clients over the last thirty years and the 200-plus women surveyed for this book, I have identified eight types. They are named after their predominant behavior:
•the Excluder
•the Insecure
•the Toxic
•the Narcissist
•the Screamer
•the Liar
•the Incompetent
•the Not-a-Bitch
One of the common traits of bitches is their inability to interact effectively with a range of people; some bitches are triggered by certain people and only demonstrate bitchiness to them, while other bitches may have difficulty interacting with other women in general. The preceding list is organized in the order of the extremity of their behavior, starting with the type that has the most powerful effect on an individual—the Excluder. When you’re excluded at work, it’s hard not to take it personally. Near the other end of the scale is the Incompetent, a type that is likely to be recognized by
most people who work alongside her. When you’re on the receiving end of bitchy behavior from an Incompetent, it’s unlikely to be a particularly personal attack—she’s most interested in covering up what she doesn’t know or can’t do. And finally, there’s the Not-a-Bitch type, the woman who might be a workaholic, terse, and not particularly likable, but who is just doing her job. Her expectations, feedback, comments, and behavior are reasonable. She’s not a bitch at all.
Some types of bitches can be sly and cunning enough to stay under everyone’s radar with their ambiguous behavior. No wonder their conduct often goes unchecked. If you are currently suffering from an amorphous sense that someone is out to get you, hopefully you can recognize the bitchy behaviors and use the advice to shield yourself or develop some strategies to transform an intolerable situation into an occasional slight nuisance. And remember, if you can get to a point where you can laugh, it’s likely that you have escaped her clutches.
CHAPTER 1
The Excluder
We’re done here.
—Miranda Priestly, The Devil Wears Prada
Eve coolly looks you up and down when you are introduced on your first day. Her body language suggests that she isn’t interested in getting to know you; a muttered hello and she briskly walks away. She reminds you of the girls who were part of the in crowd at school. Matter-of-fact, monosyllabic, and not impressed. Eve doesn’t acknowledge that you exist. If you happen to pass in the corridor, she doesn’t bother to incline her head or smile. If you both arrive early to a meeting, she takes a deliberate path to the window and stares outside until more-useful colleagues arrive. During the meeting, you add a comment to her agenda point, and she brushes her face as though she is shooing a fly, and a tiny sigh escapes. She pointedly stares at the other end of the table.
You and Ellen applied for the same promotion, and the job has been offered to you. Given that you have a good working relationship, you think she might be disappointed for a few days but will get over it. But she has hardly spoken to you and will not make eye contact. When you try to engage her in meetings, she just mutters, “You’re the one being paid to figure out which technique to use,” and sullenly gazes out the window. First you try commiserating, asking what you can do to support further training and development to help her prepare for the next opportunity. Finally you try explaining to her that her behavior is unprofessional. You are concerned that you may have to monitor her performance if she doesn’t improve her attitude.
Erika didn’t apply for the promotion, because she thought she wasn’t ready for it, and watching her colleague struggle with the change in the dynamic since you won it confirms her decision. She feels rejected now that Ellen no longer joins them for lunch. She feels conflicted about her loyalties. When her friend intimates that they should stick together and not support you, Ellen decides to join her—just in case she ends up totally alone. Besides, they have little giggles about your change of style from colorful to corporate, and they take bets in the office about how long you’d last if they turned their backs on you. Erika passes on messages that are scribbled down so you can’t read the time or number properly, and when you point this out, she strenuously denies that it is deliberate and suggests that you are getting paranoid.
They exclude and ignore you and render you invisible. Cruel and annihilating, their lack of acknowledgment is denigrating and demeaning. These pernicious tyrants have no remorse about pretending that you do not exist. They refuse to engage with you—any attempts to converse are met with stony silence. The subtler Excluders make sure that you are left out of the loop regarding anything from lunches to venue changes. Information is power—by withholding information, they render you powerless.
They hold a pose, eyes front, head forward, and walk on by—with no recognition of the person they have excluded. This behavior is particularly nasty, as it most closely resembles school experiences of being ignored or triggers memories of the in groups and out groups.
If you recognize an Excluder’s behavior and gain some understanding of what drives it, you’ll be better equipped to deal with it.
The Excluder’s Behavior
•She walks straight past you yet manages to smile and say hello to other people in her path.
•She appears not to hear your hello.
•She fails to acknowledge your presence in a room.
•She fails to pass on any messages to you.
•She fails to provide crucial information to you.
•She fails to advise you about meeting time or date changes.
•She stops a spirited conversation when you enter the room.
•She might occasionally catch your gaze and snarl, “What are you looking at?” adding an insult.
•She will shrug or walk away, muttering, “It’s not worth talking about,” or “If you can’t figure it out, I’m not telling you,” if you try to find out what’s wrong.
•She might roll her eyes, snort, or make a derogatory comment if your name comes up in conversation.
•She might quietly giggle when you speak during a meeting, or catch the eye of a conspirator and make a face.
•She might conveniently forget to pass on vital information or might “accidentally” lose something you handed her to pass on.
•She will feign innocence when called on her failure to pass on messages or information, saying, “Oh, it must have slipped my mind. I forgot. I’m so flat-out tired, I can’t remember every little thing.”
•She won’t make any effort with anyone who can’t help her career.
•She might start speaking to you again if you suddenly become useful, as though nothing odd had ever happened between you.
An Excluder tends to see other women as either functional (if they can offer something) or oxygen thieves (if there is no personal gain from communicating with them). Some Excluders stay away from anyone who has poor stakes in the company—for example, a staff member who has made a mistake, has been targeted as a layoff prospect, is disliked by senior staff, or is not fashionable. They do not want to risk any perceived alignment with that person. Other Excluders become furious when real competition arrives, so they refuse to acknowledge the new employee, hoping she’ll get the hint and leave quickly. This bitchy behavior is a way of making the competition vanish, psychologically. In a sense, the Excluder has killed her off by acting as if she does not exist.
The following stories are situations experienced by real women in the workforce. Read them to see if you can recognize elements of your own situation and to help identify whether the mean girl in your workplace is an Excluder.
Babette, 40, Property Development
Carolyn had the office next to mine. There I was, sandwiched in a tiny and unattractive office between her and another high-flying power woman. In four years, Carolyn never spoke to me and never made eye contact, but was quite the social butterfly with most other staff members.
On one occasion I inadvertently strayed into her area of responsibility and was the recipient of a barrage of loud abuse. She was, of course, careful to disguise her real purpose in a shroud of legitimacy regarding workplace issues and avoided anything that could be considered a purely personal attack on me. She was also careful to ensure that this took place in a quiet corridor, away from other people, so no one heard.
On another occasion, in a meeting with other power people, she elected to contradict me. Without eye contact or acknowledging me.
I believe that Carolyn thought herself to be in a position of power compared with me and that she enjoyed and understood the impact of her coldness and indirect and direct aggression. That is what made her a bitch—she callously chose behaviors that she believed diminished the well-being, comfort, and dignity of her target.
I didn’t do anything about it. Tolerated it, I suppose. If I had had more friends at work, I would have got them on my side and challenged her indirectly in public to force her to speak to me nicely. My predicament was difficult in that I didn’t have much s
ocial support in the workplace at that time. In fact, that may have been a reason I was targeted.
Carolyn’s exclusion of Babette is her dominant behavior. While she loudly abused Babette on one occasion, this doesn’t make her a Screamer (see page 79). Babette regrets not doing anything about the situation and willingly contributed her story in the hope that it might help others in a similar situation to feel empowered to seek help. What drove Carolyn? She probably didn’t like Babette and saw no benefit in being pleasant to her.
Pria, 49, Law
From the first day that I arrived at the law firm, she was wary and unfriendly. By the second week, she was closing her door if we were the only ones left in the office. She would not say good morning or goodbye, let alone engage in any polite conversation. She simply behaved like I was not there. She would not look me in the eye. She spoke to my buttons if she had to talk to me. The week after I arrived, she instructed our receptionist, without asking for any permission from the boss, that I was not to have any new bookings. This meant I had no new clients! She was bullish with the boss when asked why. She claimed seniority. She had been there for six months before I arrived.
It made being at work very uncomfortable and unpleasant. It was a small office—three lawyers—and we each had an office. When the boss, the third lawyer, wasn’t there, I had no one to talk to.
Working with Bitches Page 2