Working with Bitches

by Meredith Fuller

  First, check in with yourself—do you really want to be on her radar? Sometimes it is the principle of being excluded, not the actuality, that is upsetting. It can be a relief to be excluded by women you would rather not associate with, women who do things that you do not wish to do (for example, business lunches, drinks after work, boring meetings, dinners with people you have nothing in common with besides employment). Ask yourself if the exclusion is advantageous to you in any way, and allow yourself to enjoy it if the advantage is there. Given the choice, you might prefer not to speak to her, anyway. The problems lie in the fact that usually you can’t choose your boss or your colleagues, and you have to work together to get the job done.

  If you realize that given the choice, you wouldn’t want to be included, ask yourself if you’re upset because the exclusion reminds you of an earlier experience, perhaps something that happened at primary or secondary school. Is that why you are feeling upset? Or, is it just the principle? Do you have an unwritten rule that you should be included, even when you don’t wish to be? What if you looked at it this way: “In an ideal world, it might be nice to always be included, but I do not need to be included in everything by this person in order to be a high-functioning member of this team.”

  For the Excluder, the opposite of love is indifference—and she uses that knowledge as a powerful weapon. If you have been rejected in love, her indifference might trigger memories of your earlier distress. Perhaps her exclusion upsets you because it reminds you of a rejection when you were eighteen.

  What to Do When You Work with an Excluder

  •Wait for a while. Then check how you feel. Don’t react on the spot. (She may have a very slow warm-up or require time to decide whether you’re worth bothering with.)

  •You could approach the Excluder and say something like, “I’ve noticed that you haven’t spoken to me for over a week. Have I done something? Can we sort this out?”

  •If the Excluder refuses to interact and continues to ignore you, at least you know that you have tried your best to redress the situation.

  •Work out alternative ways to gather data or whatever else you need to do your job properly. It requires more effort and takes up more time, but will cause you less pain in the long run. For example, see if there is a third party you can approach to check whether there is anything you need to know about next week’s meeting, changes to this week’s priorities, and so on.

  •Are there protocols or a communication chain that can be implemented to ensure that information is available to everyone? For example, “Please use reply-all in all e-mails on issue Z.”

  •See if others notice the exclusion, and find out what they think about it. Do this by forming a neutral sentence like, “I’ve noticed that Kylie hasn’t spoken to me at all during the past few days. Have you noticed?” They may respond with, “Yes, I have. She also did that to so-and-so” or “Yes, she’s really difficult, and I think you handle it well” or even “No, I didn’t pick that up.” Any information is useful. You may wish to follow up with a sentence like, “My four-year-old does that when she’s annoyed that I won’t let her get away with something … or even for no reason,” stated in a measured, calm tone. Delivering your observation in a mature manner shows how gracious and tolerant you can be. Then whenever the Excluder acts up in public, you merely catch the other person’s eye, implying, “Here she goes again.” This neutralizes the Excluder’s cold-shouldering, and you take the points for showing maturity.

  •Reducing your contribution or creativity to mollify her doesn’t help your cause—she still won’t change her perception and she still won’t acknowledge you. Your dumbing-down ploy will probably turn her exclusion into contempt.

  •Ask yourself what, specifically, upsets you. Is it walking past her? Is it wondering how you’ll react in a meeting? Is it worrying if other people are noticing? Are you catastrophizing, thinking that everyone must be aware of it and assume that you are a worm? Interestingly, unless the behavior is overt, other people in an office usually remain unaware.

  •You might feel more comfortable if you practiced techniques that gave you more confidence about where to gaze, how to circumnavigate the floor plan, how to grab a good chair in a meeting, or how to react when you choose to say hello but never receive a return greeting.

  •Remember that sometimes the catty or conniving behavior you are experiencing might have triggered some memories from school or your teenage years. You might find it helpful to speak to a psychologist or trusted friend. This can help you sort out what is “here and now” and what is “there and then.”

  •In public, calmly say hello or whatever basic statement is required. If the Excluder stays silent, that is her decision. Act very measured and calm, and continue on with whatever you are doing. You are modeling adult behavior in front of others—don’t make a fuss; your poise will be remembered.

  •Don’t be tempted to goad her, and don’t try to get a reaction. This doesn’t help your situation in the long run.

  •If you’re being ignored because you are not useful, you may find that a quiet word from a third party about your social connections, the likelihood of being useful at a future date, or your capacity to assist in some way outside work is enough to do the trick. Sometimes, organizational restructures will mean that you suddenly become useful.

  •You may note that she says little to nothing and you prefer to engage more—can you both reach a compromise? Perhaps she needs to be told by a more senior person that she is expected to speak with you in work meetings, and you can learn to tolerate being ignored the rest of the time.

  •If you do speak, try mentioning the good things she contributes to the team and how this is useful. But don’t bother talking about how you feel when she ignores you.

  •Dysfunctional workplaces are often big on exclusion—it can be deliberate, or sometimes people do simply forget. It’s not always personal. If you don’t like that kind of workplace, it might be time to change jobs.

  If Your Boss Is an Excluder

  Expect to be ignored, keep working, and tell yourself that you have done nothing wrong—she is a rude, preoccupied bitch. Make sure you are kept in the information loop by someone else.

  If you like a hands-off approach and she doesn’t particularly affect the way you function, you might quite enjoy not having to pretend or waste time with chitchat. If you are struggling, get support in moving, exchange, reassignment, or a new job elsewhere.

  If You Work Alongside an Excluder

  If you do not have to work directly with her, expect to be ignored. You might prefer to be nice by acknowledging her with a nod or “hi” (just because she is ill-mannered doesn’t mean you have to follow suit), or you might choose to ignore her. Don’t try any small talk.

  Make sure you are kept in the information loop, and double-check any messages from her.

  If you do have to work directly with her, and she refuses to acknowledge you, publicly say, “This isn’t working between us. We have a communication problem—how are we going to solve this?”

  Ask colleagues if they have noticed her behavior toward you, and find out if she treats anyone else in a similar manner. How did they resolve it?

  If You Manage an Excluder

  Call her on it. Try the strategies listed on pages 29–31. Remember, you’re in charge.

  Spell out required minimum standards of basic communication, for example, “I expect a hello.” When delegating, ask her to repeat back your directions to ensure she can’t weasel out because she “didn’t hear you.” Don’t bother with small talk.

  CHAPTER 2

  The Insecure

  At first she made me wonder what I was doing wrong to make her angry with me. Then over time she eroded my confidence in my professional ability and interpersonal skills and began “counseling” me about my faults and my “inability to take feedback.” This caused me great frustration and stress.

  —Patrice

  Imogen comes down hard on
her staff now that she has her coveted promotion. She needs her colleagues to take her seriously as their boss and is worried they will fall back on their old relationship as equals. She also worries about the magnitude of her new role and desperately wants to do well. She works long hours and is irritated when the team doesn’t seem to put in as much effort. She insists the team members work overtime. She asks them to stop laughing in the office—it is unprofessional and they sound like a bunch of naughty schoolgirls. She feels she can’t trust them to do anything properly so she starts monitoring and micromanaging their work and expects to be regularly updated. She believes she has no choice but to push them or they’ll take advantage of her.

  Irene has a stack of work to get through and is annoyed that her staff haven’t delivered on time. Why does she always have to drag work out of them? What is wrong with them? She strides out to the open-plan section and lets them have it. The only thing that seems to have an effect is putting the hard word on them. She is so sick of this—substandard twits who have to be told everything three times and still don’t do anything properly! Honestly, she has no idea how they got their jobs in the first place! They saunter around like they have all day to get the job done. This is a business, not a day-care center. She is furious with the new person—don’t they teach graduates anything these days? When Irene calls her in to brief her about some research she wants done, the ninny wanders in without a pen or notepad. “Have you got a secret tape recorder tucked away in that bird’s nest you call hair?” Irene asks. “Well, go and get a pen and paper! How do you suppose you’re going to remember what I tell you? You can’t even make it to work on time … Hurry up, I haven’t got all day!”

  Isabel sends yet another e-mail. She is boiling with rage. Doesn’t anyone read e-mails? She tore into everyone this time—how is she supposed to get on with her job when people don’t even bother to reply? The general manager nervously taps at her door, wondering if Isabel has a moment. “What for?” Isabel demands.

  “Er, well, it’s just that … you’ve sent another one of those ten-page e-mails, and no one has time to get through them. You know we talked about editing them down. I went over this with you in your performance review … we’re all busy, we can’t respond to all this. You’ll need to restrict it to a couple of paragraphs if you want responses.”

  “Since you’ve brought it up, I still want to know why I only got a four on my review! I can’t see why you scored my performance at only four. I want to know what specific criteria you used.”

  “Please, Isabel, we’ve been over this. For now, I just need you to modify these e-mails. They’re too long and they’re annoying or alienating the people you want information from.”

  “I am not expecting too much from the staff—just to read the e-mail and respond. Am I supposed to sit here twiddling my thumbs, waiting? Or do you want me to actually do my job? In which case I need that data from everyone.”

  Isabel watches her general manager sigh, throw her hands up, and back out of the room. She doesn’t know why—all she wants is for the staff to respond to her e-mails. She’s had to ask for that data too many times. What is wrong with people that they don’t do what she asks? And she still wants her performance score explained.

  If you recognize Isabel as an Insecure and gain some understanding of what drives this behavior, you’ll be better equipped to deal with it.

  The Insecure’s Behavior

  •She works long hours and wants you to do the same, often sending e-mails well outside work hours, expecting a response.

  •She checks up on you with an air of mistrust.

  •She needs to know what is going on and loathes being out of the information loop.

  •She is reluctant to delegate and certainly won’t delegate interesting tasks—no one can do things as well as she can.

  •She loves telling people what to do and will spend a lot of time telling you what you already know.

  •She wants you on her team because you are so competent, but doesn’t grant you the authority to do the job.

  •She wants to control you and ensure that you are beholden to her, frequently reminding you who is the boss.

  •She frequently interrupts you with new demands that are urgent and often unreasonable.

  •She wants things done her way and will be annoyed if you try to show initiative.

  •She prefers a rigid approach and her rules to be followed, and she can’t trust anyone with a different view.

  •She will not be clear about her objectives, expectations, or priorities—this enables her to step in and take control when things go wrong.

  •She turns nasty when you don’t meet her (often unclear) expectations.

  •She prefers very formal work relationships that acknowledge her power—it makes her feel important.

  •She is highly critical and prides herself on having high standards.

  •She is often afraid of change and clings to what she knows, even when it’s wrong.

  •She lacks flexibility and relies on tried-and-true formulas to solve problems.

  •She fraternizes with women who are similar to her—she struggles to trust people who are different.

  •She doesn’t like compromise—she wants to be right, not partially right.

  •She will often answer “because I say so” when asked why.

  •She won’t change her mind—she sees that as weak.

  •She is not a good listener—there’s no need to listen to others because she knows best.

  •She will blame others for things going wrong—whatever went wrong was not her fault.

  Insecures are achievement oriented and see themselves as perfectionists. They have impossibly high standards and expectations of themselves and others. They feel insecure and anxious about meeting those self-imposed standards, and therefore want to control and organize you with inflexible rules, regulations, and structures. They have a tendency to be obsessive and compulsive; this may take the form of checking your progress far too closely or being ridiculously pedantic about procedures they have instigated.

  These women are often highly competitive and rigid in their approach to work, and their work-life balance has usually been compromised as a result. By keeping other women down, the Insecure maintains control, which in turn helps her manage her anxiety. Some Insecures actually like working under great stress and pressure—it makes them feel alive, and they can often rescue a situation to make them feel good about themselves (one that they have usually caused or at least contributed to). They love having scapegoats and will often try to garner support for their misgivings about the competence of senior management, all to build an image of their own high standards.

  The following stories are situations experienced by real women in the workforce. Read them to see if you can recognize elements of your own situation and to help identify whether the mean girl in your workplace is an Insecure.

  Carine, 27, Fashion Industry

  I admired (and was slightly jealous of) her ability to climb the corporate ladder while she always managed to look good. I expressed my career aspirations to her, and she started assisting me with tips on how I could get a promotion. I also started dressing better as she said that looks play an important role in our field. Later, because of all the good work I was doing, I got my promotion—so she was now my direct manager. Rather than being proud of me, she started nitpicking about everything I was doing, criticizing me for things while letting others get away with them. This was extremely demoralizing.

  The bitchy things she did included undermining everything I did, pointing out in front of others the tiny mistakes I had made. She came down extremely hard on me for insignificant issues but would let other people get away with doing the same things. She did not include me in social situations, completely micromanaging me—I would have to do things the way she would do them, and there was no room for my own ideas. We once had a performance review with the general manager, and she said nice things in front of him.
But as soon as he walked out, she berated me, bringing up things that I felt were irrelevant in a performance review. It was all very petty on one level, but the cumulative effect was upsetting. I didn’t feel like coming into work.

  It seemed that her bad behavior was a secret between the two of us. I couldn’t bring it up with the boss, because she and he appeared to be good friends and you can’t complain about someone for picking on you. So I put up with it.

  This nitpicking made my working life hell; I would be depressed every day and I was very close to quitting. She made me doubt my work, and I would double-check everything I did to make sure there were no errors. I would be too scared to ask her questions. It also made me very disillusioned because I had looked up to her.

  Looking back on the situation, I feel sorry for my young self! I have learned a lot in the past five or so years and would now not put up with this type of behavior. I am also mindful of not acting this way with staff who report to me.

  I think that because there is a lack of senior roles in all industries, a woman who makes it to the top will do whatever she can to keep her job—hence seeing other women as threats.

  I have found that being confident and calling the behavior as it is really helps. Now that I am a bit older and in a senior role, I have to work with senior women in other departments. These women try to push me around to get their own way or blame me for things. However, if I am right I always make sure that I have the facts and always stand my ground. I am not afraid to speak up if I see something wrong or if what they are saying is wrong.

  When an Insecure enforces strict rules, she is trying to reassert her power and control because she fears they are slipping away. She might project unconscious powerful injunctions like, “Be successful, but not as successful as me.” There can be many reasons for a supportive superior turning negative when someone she has encouraged does well. She may be triggered into remembering that no one had helped her and perhaps she is still resentful that she had to do it alone. She might fear being superseded. Carine learned over time how to look after herself in difficult circumstances and now has a good sense of her own boundaries and her degree of tolerance for the poor behavior of others.