Put simply, jealousy, insecurity, and incompetence were behind this. Age should never be a factor when looking at a person’s skill sets—I was much younger but had the needed skills. I was a threat to her position and security within the company.
New skills bring change and innovation, something she feared. This CEO notoriously harassed and victimized staff for years; the other senior woman condoned this abominable behavior and repeatedly said, “This is just the way she is; you’ll get used to it.” But I never got used to it: the repeated bouts of verbal abuse, humiliation—and at some points physical intimidation—until one day she blew up in rage at me.
It was ironic how the situation was managed. I was abused one Friday afternoon to the point where I thought I was having an anxiety attack. I anonymously e-mailed the board director responsible for organizational risk. This information was kept confidential over a number of months. The CEO was later replaced by another who was just as incompetent and insecure. It was “handled.”
I was lucky. The director I had approached gave me a voice, and I was listened to. Consequently, nearly all of the staff eventually voiced their concerns about the CEO. While I feel vindicated, as I am one of those lucky few who get to tell the story of how to “fire your boss,” minus all the gory details, I still feel ripped off. I feel jaded and disappointed.
I feel jaded because there are female bosses out there who behave like absolute bitches, have no regard for a person’s self-esteem, humility, or humanity and take it upon themselves to behave in ways that are not only unbecoming to a woman but also unbecoming to a professional.
I still feel a bit torn. She was an awful boss, but she was amazing at her job if you looked at results only. She did bring out some wonderful work in me, but whether that was out of fear, I’m not sure!
Verity went to an all-girl private school from grades 3 to 12, so she was well versed in bitch language. She lived with her mother and was (and still is) very close to her. Her mother was significant because she was a very nurturing mother and believed Verity could do anything. Verity has grown to believe that when you mix ambition with insecurity, there is always going to be tension when women work together. Women can be their own worst enemies because they project their insecurities onto others at times, and that never ends well in the workplace.
How Does the Screamer Make You Feel?
She acts red hot and is volcanic, aggressive, tenacious, agitated, speedy, loud, complaining, intense, angry, cynical, pessimistic, dominating, and furious.
You feel threatened, anxious, stressed, weak, unsafe, scared, provoked, belittled, and desperate to get away from her.
Physically, you feel ready for flight (or fight), your heart rate is accelerated, your mouth is dry, you have stomach pains, your arms and legs may be tingling, you wince when you hear her loud voice, you have difficulty concentrating, and your body is tense.
Why Does the Screamer Behave Like This?
The main reasons behind the Screamer’s abusive behavior relate to her anxiety. If you are aware that she is probably riddled with anxieties, you might be able to claw back some control by remaining calm and not feeding on her fears.
1. She Feels Anxious and Afraid
Her underlying anxiety—about losing control, about failing, about not being good enough—is likely to be the driving force behind the Screamer’s explosive behavior. When her anxiety becomes intolerable, she screams. She’s like a kettle coming to the boil. Frightened of failing, she worries that you might beat her, so she gets in first. Towering over someone and yelling at him or her is a great way to impose superiority. Some Screamers are driven by fear-based aggression.
2. She Is Angry
Remind yourself that her yelling is often not directed at you personally—it is her only way of communicating her anger at the world. Where poor leadership prevails and they are not called to account, angry women can rule. You don’t know what is happening outside work that has enraged her. The real issues might not be about work at all.
3. She Believes She Is Solely Responsible for Mobilizing Others
Unable to trust anyone, she thinks she has responsibility for the group—that she is the only one capable of coercing people into action—and this elevated anxiety triggers her rage. She worries that the office will collapse into chaos if she doesn’t stay on top of everyone. She is seen as petty and ferocious—some might even say malicious—but to her, it’s all justified as a means to an end.
4. She Wants Instant Gratification
The Screamer is impatient by nature, and the workplace is her playground. Think of her as a two-year-old having a little temper tantrum in the supermarket. The difference is that the adult Screamer doesn’t grow out of that behavior—her method of getting her own way, under the guise of doing what is best for the organization, is a well-established habit of screaming for dramatic effect. She might not be able to get her way outside work, so she throws her weight around, loudly, in the office. She is unlikely to change, so you need to find ways of working around her, to minimize the effect she has on you.
Is It Possible You’ve Got It Wrong?
Your boss has been yelling a lot lately, getting louder and louder over the last month. You don’t know this, but her mother is dying and she’s been juggling caring for her and work. She hasn’t had much sleep for weeks and is under enormous pressure to deliver a big report that you’re working on. She doesn’t want to tell you about it in case she breaks down in front of you; she’s worried that she’s about to lose control over everything. All you see is that she has been barking orders at you—she reminds you of a mean teacher you had at school—but that doesn’t make her a Screamer. Remember, to identify a type, you are looking for sustained behavioral patterns.
Dealing with the Screamer
When women are screaming, they are usually not listening. This helps to explain why assertive statements don’t help—they are not heard. Wait until the screaming has stopped before attempting to engage in dialogue. Screaming is a one-way process, not a two-way communication. A screamer uses screaming because people are intimidated by it and because she believes that she can get her own way without having to bother with a two-way interaction.
Sometimes, Screamers are so high-strung they are overwhelmed without even realizing it. Selecting a quiet, private time, you might try to calmly demonstrate that you are there to help and that you would like to make the Screamer’s life easier, but it is difficult to understand what is actually needed amid the yelling. Would the manager find it useful to meet each morning to go over the appointments diary or check progress? Are there some deadlines that could be altered, given how unreasonable it is to expect someone under pressure (the Screamer) to deliver on those turnaround times? The manager might respond with more screaming, but you have directly responded to her fear with helpful suggestions. Make sure you offer specific alternatives—when a Screamer is highly anxious, she really doesn’t know what to do, so it’s useless asking how you could help in a general sense. At best, the two of you might brainstorm ways of keeping the workload manageable; at worst, she keeps screaming. But you’ll know that you responded in a reasonable, adult manner.
The Screamer’s reputation often precedes her. If you know the game, you can remind yourself that this isn’t personal and prepare yourself for an onslaught using some strategies you have rehearsed with a support person. In the long run, if you are not going to be a good fit with this person, it might be better to look for work elsewhere. They don’t give out badges for lasting the longest.
Be aware of how screaming affects you—some women have been raised in a screaming family, and for them, it’s like water off a duck’s back. Others find it highly distressing. Some women are unaccustomed to screaming and freeze in shock, while others find it amusing—silly, even—and easily maintain their distance, as if observing a child’s tantrum. The level of your response will indicate how important it is for you to avoid the Screamer. You should not have to put up with behavior that frightens or di
stresses you. If this is the case, seek professional support from the organization.
What to Do When You Work with a Screamer
•Make yourself as scarce as possible when she starts ranting. It is not reasonable to expect you to put up with someone screaming at you. You are entitled to say, “I’ll return to continue our discussion when you are calmer.”
•If she gets you down, you can try speaking to her (when she has stopped screaming), saying, “This isn’t helping our working together. Can we do something to prevent it? Do you need A, B, or C?”
•Don’t get caught spending hours listening to her scream about everything that is wrong with the company at the expense of getting your work done. Make a fast getaway when she starts up.
•Avoid standing too close or being trapped in a small room with her.
•Watch for signs that she is about to erupt—heightened stress or anxiety, muscle tension in arms or hands. This is your cue to leave before the table gets pounded.
•Do not escalate an argument or difference of opinion with a Screamer—she has better stamina.
•Enlist the support of senior leaders if the situation is preventing you from working.
•If the screaming triggers your own memories, you might consider seeing a psychologist or a counselor or talk to a trusted friend.
•If you establish that screaming is tolerated in your workplace, you might be better off leaving.
•Do not allow her panic to force you into doing anything inappropriate, and never feel obliged to clean up her messes. Her anxiety or panic is not yours.
•Learn to say no. See the tips on pages 218–219.
If Your Boss Is a Screamer
Avoid standing too close, and make sure she doesn’t block the exit. Stay near a door so you can excuse yourself and leave quickly if she gets too loud.
As a way of staying focused while she is shouting at you, take notes when she’s delegating tasks to you.
Remind yourself that underneath that demanding exterior, she is fragile, anxious, or frightened.
Whenever she is around, breathe deeply. Consider taking up yoga, relaxation classes, meditation, or swimming.
Build resilience by taking care of your physical and emotional health.
Shore up your workplace network. Learning to “manage up” is a good skill to cultivate, and organizations notice staff who can go about their business despite having to work with women who have an unfortunate manner.
If You Work Alongside a Screamer
Excuse yourself if necessary, saying, “I’ll come back when you’ve quieted down.”
Keep meetings short and sweet. If you need to raise something, do it as a group because there’s less chance of her howling you down.
Whenever she is around, breathe deeply.
Remind yourself that underneath that demanding exterior, she is fragile, anxious, or frightened.
Rather than match her volume, go very soft so she has to strain to hear you.
Slow her down by asking her to repeat what you didn’t quite catch or understand.
If You Manage a Screamer
Firstly, check if she has reasons for speaking loudly.
Give her regular feedback in relation to key performance indicators, and be prepared with clear examples of her unacceptable work practices. Remind yourself that underneath she may be fragile, anxious, or frightened.
Tell her that you really appreciate the quieter part of her nature. Ask her if she is aware of how she comes across. You might be the first person to give her feedback, and she might appreciate plain speaking.
If she tries to barge in or starts screaming, suggest in a friendly tone that she might like to return when she’s more composed. Rather than match her volume, go very soft so she has to strain to hear you.
Slow her down by asking her to repeat what you didn’t quite catch or understand.
Keep your distance, keep meetings short, and breathe deeply.
CHAPTER 6
The Liar
None of it was true—she had lied about everything, and no, she hadn’t had the fabulous experiences outlined on her CV. No husband, no children, no dog, no cancer, no admirers. She’d been sending the flowers to herself.
—Phoebe
Lola knows that the secret to life is to have fun. She lives in the moment. She wants to play; every day has to be exciting, pleasurable, and filled with new experiences. She gets bored if she isn’t experiencing a sensation of feeling fully alive. She loves getting away with things; conning others gives her a little thrill—deception is a turn-on. Getting away with things is better than anything else in the world. She will do anything to have her needs met—who cares if she gets caught! She wants the fastest way to the top. So what if she has to knife anyone in her way? Life is a game and you have to play hard.
Lisa gets bored easily, and her life is not particularly interesting at the moment. Her career seems to have stalled, and she’s only thirty-five. She is jealous of the attention her sister-in-law is receiving while she undergoes treatment for breast cancer. Almost unconsciously, Lisa adopts the symptoms herself and lets slip to a colleague that she didn’t want to disrupt the workplace, but things are going to be difficult for the next few months because she has to have chemotherapy for breast cancer … it’s an early diagnosis, so she’s very lucky, but she hasn’t been able to concentrate very well because of the worry, and she’s not sure whether that report will be finished by Friday.
It can take a while to recognize a Liars’ behavior because they are often highly skilled manipulators of the truth. Once a Liar is exposed, though, all trust in that person is lost. If you recognize a Liar’s behavior and gain an understanding of what drives it, you’ll be better equipped to deal with her.
The Liar’s Behavior
•She can be charming and persuasive when she needs to be.
•She is unreliable, and at first, you’re not sure why you don’t really trust her.
•She avoids confronting reality, using excuses to miss meetings where she might be held accountable for her actions.
•She always finds excuses for her poor work performance—often physical illnesses.
•She does not take responsibility for her work, blaming anything and everything for whatever goes wrong.
•She lacks empathy and sympathy.
•She can look you in the eye, keep a straight face, and tell you another lie even when caught out in the first one.
•She is capable of saying or doing anything to serve her own ends.
•She resents being cornered by the truth.
•She is ruthless in pursuing her own objectives, but shows disregard for those of the organization.
•She causes you to waste time searching for files she insists were placed in your in-tray.
It is unlikely that she will stop her lies unless she reaches rock bottom. She doesn’t get pangs of conscience, because it’s all a game to her and she can’t understand why everyone is making such a big deal of it.
Liars will try to get you to cover for them, collude in their lies, or agree to do things that you would not normally agree to. Be extremely careful agreeing to anything, make sure that you take your time, and make some notes about anything discussed in private.
The following stories are situations experienced by real women in the workforce. Read them to see if you can recognize elements of your own situation and to help identify whether the behavior of the mean girl in your workplace is predominantly that of the Liar.
Phoebe, 49, Communications
I was employed as the head of an area that had been split into two areas—the other new head didn’t like the setup either. I had a sense of unease about her, but we knew we’d have to work closely together. I am naive about office politics, and she wasn’t; she started making comments against me right from the start.
Our female boss called me in, saying, “I am hearing you have leadership problems … ” I had no idea what she was talking about, but she seem
ed to believe it.
The other head was unable to do some aspects of her role and threw her problems onto other departments at the last minute. Because the others were dedicated, they’d work all weekend to ensure that the company ran smoothly. This head would get all the accolades and never mention the input from the other departments, let alone mention anyone by name. She shouted at staff in person and also via e-mails, using capital letters. Several of her staff quietly resigned.
Masses of flowers arrived from secret admirers, and she spoke regularly of being propositioned when traveling on business. This seemed to make her happy because she’d had a pretty hard time—her mother was in a coma, her husband had died, her daughter was killed in a car accident, and someone had stolen her dog. Over time, the string of terrible events was revealed, and now she had cancer. We were all so sad and empathic. We forgave her nasty behavior; the fact that she neglected to thank people was understandable under these trying circumstances.
She used team-building activities to publicly stick the knife into me, saying things that were patently untrue, questioning my competence. I tried to be open about these comments and suggested we could meet for discussion. She could never find a time to meet. I kept trying to follow up, but because she was having chemo, she wasn’t at work much and could not spare me the time.
Eventually, it was decided to make one head and combine our functions, just as I had recommended. Our boss gave the job to the other head, because she had received so many accolades, and there were those gossipy concerns about my leadership. Then her remaining child had an accident, and she had to rush to his bedside overseas. But someone from the office saw her shopping in the city. This led to an investigation.
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