Staff usually provided monthly verbal reports, but she asked me for written reports. They took me ages to write. I felt badgered and belittled as she micromanaged and insisted on opening my mail and reviewing my e-mails. My manager accused me of receiving private e-mails and letters on work time. While there may have been the odd one now and then, I didn’t believe that this gave her the right to breach confidentiality. When she gave me an insulting nickname, I asked what I’d done. I was told that she didn’t like me and didn’t like the “over-servicing” I gave the clients. She expected me to strictly adhere to the rules and stop being so friendly and familiar with people. In effect, my personality was not acceptable to my manager, despite my ability to perform so well with clients because of that personality.
Eventually, I was placed on disability for several years for stress and burnout.
Larissa once loved her job but became burned out after nasty targeting from her manager, an Insecure. If Larissa had been able to use rational language to convince her manager that her way of communicating with clients was worth X dollars, or that there was a potential economic benefit of her further study down the track—in other words, if she had stripped away human values and emotion from her language—they might have found a way to work together. The compromise would have been on Larissa’s part, with the payoff being that her stress levels would be much lower and more manageable. Thinking-preferred managers need to calculate the bottom-line financial benefits to understand the point of “soft” practices.
Dena, 30s, Education Administration
Dena worked in administration, using “sugar” instead of “vinegar” with disengaged youth. Her boss was under pressure, so Dena worked harder to help. Things went downhill—everything she did was “wrong”—so she requested a meeting.
Asking for an example, I was told it wasn’t my work; it was my personality! I was forbidden to speak with students or staff. I was devastated—the best part of my job was helping students and teachers with everyday problems. My perfect job was turned into paper shuffling. My allegiance and passion were knocked out of me. I now had to ask permission to go to the ladies room or collect and deliver mail.
I did protest from time to time. “Why?” I would ask.
“I am your boss,” she would answer, “so you do as I say. I don’t want a personal relationship with you. We discuss work, and that’s all.”
When my boss ranted, I wanted to yell, scream, or punch a wall, but I practiced calming techniques and visualization—I would see myself at the beach surfing. I coped better than my boss did with our differences; steam came out of her ears.
When I developed vertigo and other ailments, I decided that my health, happiness, and well-being had suffered enough. I made an appointment with the human resources department and approached a senior staff member I liked in another department. I worried that I might not be believed and my story would get back to my manager, but on the contrary, the senior staff member listened empathetically and offered me a job helping staff manage the administration database. So if someone had a problem, they phoned me. I’m thrilled.
Dena had a problem similar to Larissa’s, in that both women had bitchy managers with thinking preferences, but Dena was able to shift away from a nasty department into a great department that valued her approach to her work. Recognizing that she and her boss had differences, Dena was determined not to let the manager get the better of her.
If Larissa and Dena had approached their thinking managers using thinking concepts and language, there would not necessarily have been a different outcome to what occurred. But there could have been a shift from conflict-based communication to a more collaborative undertaking, resulting in a less destructive experience for the feeling-preferred women.
Big-Picture Thinkers and Detailed Thinkers
Thinking-preferred managers tend to be either big-picture thinkers or detailed thinkers. The distinctions are useful here in determining what kind of bitchy woman you are working with—some types are more easily categorized than others. It’s also useful when you’re trying to work out how to improve communication between the two of you.
Research indicates most female managers are likely to be big-picture thinkers:
•They make logical and analytical judgments.
•They conceptualize by quickly grasping complex situations, seeing interconnections, analyzing implications, and identifying alternative solutions.
•They manage change by providing a new sense of direction, designing new structures or procedures.
•They value competence.
Some female managers are detailed thinkers:
•They focus on detail and closure; make plans and schedules; clarify, revise, or enforce policies, rules, and regulations.
•They restore, regroup, and provide stability.
•They value tradition and belonging.
Remember, a smaller proportion of female managers are feeling-preferred:
•They create and maintain morale and harmony.
•They help people to work effectively together.
•They mobilize and inspire others.
•They develop human potential in others.
•They handle the unexpected well.
•They deal well with constant crises or upheaval.
•They negotiate and mediate difficult situations.
•They galvanize people’s attention, energy, and emotions in difficult or dangerous situations.
•They value uniqueness and freedom.
What Best Describes Your Manager?
•She is a big-picture thinker because she likes leading and putting strategic plans into action.
•She is a detailed thinker because she likes being in charge and checking to see that work is being done efficiently.
While it is statistically more likely that you will be a feeling-preferred staff member reporting to a manager who is a big-picture thinker or a detailed thinker, of course it might also be the other way around. However, if you’re a thinking-preferred staff member, you’re less likely to be upset by a feeling-preferred manager.
Are You Working with a Big-Picture Thinker Who Is a Bitch?
•She behaves as if she’s a superior being. She would say, “Well, actually I am superior—I don’t do things I don’t excel at.”
•She’s arrogant. She would say, “I’m right.”
•She’s heartless. She would say, “I’m tough.”
•She doesn’t care about people. She would say, “I’m efficient.”
•She’s ruthless. She would say, “I’m powerful.”
•She’s too future focused and doesn’t care about the people around her at the time. She would say, “I’m a creative visionary.”
•She’s emotionally controlled, repressed even. She would say, “I’m reasonable.”
Are You Working with a Detailed Thinker Who Is a Bitch?
•She is rigid. She would say, “I’m stable.”
•She is controlling. She would say, “I’m dependable.”
•She is dull and boring. She would say, “I’m organized.”
•She is stubborn and pigheaded. She would say, “I’m task oriented.”
•She is opinionated and inflexible. She would say, “I’m firm.”
•She is unimaginative and won’t change once she’s decided on a plan. She would say, “I’m efficient and realistic.”
Let’s revisit the eight types of bitches, and look at them in the context of having a thinking preference.
If you identified her as a big-picture thinker, it is more likely that your bitch manager is an Excluder, a Screamer, an Insecure, a Narcissist, a Liar, or Not-a-Bitch. She is less likely to be an Incompetent or a Toxic.
If you identified her as a detailed thinker, your bitch manager is more likely to be an Incompetent, an Excluder, a Screamer, an Insecure, a Toxic, a Liar, or Not-a-Bitch. She is less likely to be a Narcissist.
Communicating with a Thinking-Preferred Woman
/> When you are explaining or presenting an outcome to your thinking-preferred manager or are trying to influence her on a decision, consider these suggestions:
•Give her the big picture first—if she wants more information, she’ll ask you for it.
•Be logical—do not tell her how many people in the office love the idea.
•State the principles involved—do not waste time with small talk or ask how she is.
•Stress how the matter or project can be competently handled—she doesn’t need to know how it will be helpful.
•Be well organized, moving logically from point to point—don’t tell her it’s the right thing to do for people.
•List the costs and benefits—she doesn’t care to know why it’s valuable or good.
Dealing with the Thinker Manager
Misunderstandings can easily occur if we have a different preference from that of the boss. A manager with a thinking preference does not usually smile and ask, “Hello, how was your weekend?” to anyone, regardless of rank. She is task focused and strides down the corridor with her head filled with the next task, oblivious to the people she passes. She might look stern when she is simply thinking hard. A thinking woman (who is not a bitch) needs to be reminded to tell her staff what goes on in her head and to reassure them that she is not angry or irritated, but that she is simply thinking about work. Until this is explained, many feeling-preferred subordinates may worry that their manager is angry with them because she failed to smile, say hi, ask if they had a good weekend, or nod when passing.
Usually we tend to give feedback or other information to others in the way that we would most like to receive it ourselves. But when you work with a bitch, it is more useful to give feedback in the manner that is most useful for her.
Observe how she gives feedback or other information to other people; try to analyze the steps she takes, the order she uses, and how she goes about it. Next time you need to communicate something to her, copy her style and method.
Put yourself in her shoes and imagine what she would find useful and how she could most easily absorb the information to then act upon it. For example, she might think in graphs or figures, while you might prefer anecdotes or word lists.
Bear in mind that your goal is to improve any communications. Keep communications neutral (work-related and not personal) and as simple for her to comprehend or adopt as possible.
Don’t show your hand. Given that it is unlikely that she wishes you well, the less she knows about your needs, drives, values, and motivations—in other words, how to most easily hurt you—the better.
What to Do When Your Boss Is a Thinking-Preferred Mean Girl
If your manager is a bitch, it might be hard to influence her thinking, so don’t bother with trying to give her constructive feedback. Unless she respects your opinion, she won’t be interested. But it’s still worth looking at ways in which you can improve communication—it will make your life easier in the long run. Use the same techniques if your colleague or employee is a bitchy woman with a thinking preference.
Make some notes on a small card prior to your meeting so that you can structure a logical order to your points and so that you have something to refer to if you lose track during your meeting. Walk in, sit down, and get straight to the point. Do not meander around her office or the boardroom making small talk, and do not start with compliments. She is likely to be annoyed if you waste her time with irritating chitchat, and she’ll find compliments suspicious or irrelevant to the task at hand. Don’t use modifying words like “a little bit,” “just a tad,” “quite” or “sorry but,” or similar. Start with the direct purpose of your meeting, and go through the data. If you are unsure whether she needs further elaboration, simply ask her. For example, “Would you like further stats on that point, or shall I continue?” Don’t gild the lily. If she wants additional information, she can let you know.
It is likely that your thinking-preferred manager will best respond to an analytical approach that is clear, short, sharp, and to the point. Do not use ten words when one will do, and avoid long, flowery sentences.
If you have access to material that is relevant, cutting-edge, recent, and quick to digest (like a short paper, an article, a conference abstract, or a report, especially written in quickly accessible bullet points), offer to lend it to her.
If you want to make a positive comment or give positive feedback, make it your final comment, but keep it snappy. She is more likely to listen to it at the end (unlike the beginning, where positive comments may be treated with suspicion, or when she is in a mind-set of anticipating the issue at hand so she won’t be as receptive to hearing positive feedback).
She is likely to prefer constructive criticism that hits the spot rather than waffling. Her goal is to be competent, so she wants to know how she can become even better at whatever she does. Since she doesn’t tend to do things she is clumsy or poor at, it is likely that she is interested in continuously improving the things that she does do. If you are smart enough to pick her area that needs improvement and can offer some useful tips, she may be impressed or at least appreciative. Remember that she needs to know that she is seen as a competent person who can sort out the mistakes or problems.
The Thinking-Preferred Manager Who Is Not-a-Bitch
Some thinking-preferred behaviors can easily be misperceived as bitchy when in fact the intention is far from it, especially when we’re talking about a big-picture thinker. This kind of thinker likes working in large organizations so that she can direct others in her quest to shape the direction of the organization. She likes having relevant information, past and present, accessible. Reference data will be close at hand in the form of whiteboards, lists, summaries, or charts to assist her in developing the big-picture thinking she enjoys. She has a busy role and may prefer bullet points and summaries from staff to quickly grasp the data. She might need some privacy for her actual desk work—while other people are vital to the execution of long-range plans, she may not need them to formulate her plans.
She likes maintaining conceptual command over many people and enjoys global perspectives. She probably does her best with complex problems—she can devise workable tactics for situations that captivate her interest and she can quickly marshal the required resources.
She is likely to be determined, persistent, dynamic, proactive, and sharp. A big-picture thinker likes to make things happen and get things done. Both visionary and pragmatic, she enjoys shaping projects and may charge ahead with zeal. However, she is not interested in meticulous detail and may be considered somewhat impatient.
She is likely to have a strong voice and prides herself on her reputation. She will alternate periods of solitude (chained to her desk) with highly social times. There is an entrepreneurial aspect to her undertakings. She is the choreographer of her team.
She is a hearty organizer of activities and groups and prefers to play after she has finished her work. She might plan social events within her business interests, for example, having dinner with business clients or associates. She usually prefers symmetry, efficiency, and cleanliness.
The downside of this is that sometimes staff may find her over-certain, stubborn, or demanding. When she is stressed, she can seem critical and condescending, bustling about without listening to other people’s viewpoints. Her impatience is fueled by her desire to solve problems and build her vision; it’s not a result of her superior view of herself. It’s easy to see how her drive could be seen as bitchiness, as she pushes staff forward a little more quickly than they’re ready for and barks commands in her eagerness to move things along.
A big-picture thinker could easily be irritated by a sensitive, feeling-preferred staff member who takes everything personally. But it doesn’t mean she’s a bitch. She’s just sick of wasting time on questions like “Should I do the presentation on the X or Y issue?,” which is usually followed by, “So do you think I’m hopeless at X?”
A big-picture thinker Not-a-
Bitch doesn’t give unsolicited positive feedback; she probably reckons that you should know she is happy with you. If she wasn’t, you wouldn’t be there.
Dealing with the Feeling-Preferred Manager
Even if your feeling-preferred manager is a bitch, it’s still worth looking at how you can improve communication—it will make your life easier in the long run. Use the same techniques if your colleague or employee is a bitchy woman with a feeling preference.
Make some notes on a small card prior to your meeting so that you can remember to include all your points, especially noting the importance of beginning and ending with positive feedback, and so that you have something to refer to in case you accidentally omit something during your meeting. Confirm that both of you still have the allocated time free. (You don’t need to do that with the thinking-preferred person—that is taken as a given, and if she needs to cut the meeting short, she’ll usually flag that at the start.)
Come in, walking in a relaxed manner, take a seat, get comfortable, and greet her. You could check if she’d like to grab a coffee or tea with you.
If you have noticed that she tends to have little chats before she proceeds with a task, then introduce a few general comments before getting to the task at hand. Remember to establish eye contact and glance at her face from time to time. If you find that looking at her eyes is uncomfortable for you, then gaze at the triangle zone (imagine a triangle drawn from her nose to just above her eyebrows).
You might begin with a compliment or other positive observations. She needs to know that this encounter will not be confrontational and then she can relax in order to listen and take in your information. She needs to know that she is valued as a person. Feeling-preferred women are just as interested in obtaining constructive criticism to improve, but they need to know that they are valued as a person. Otherwise, it can be difficult to sort out the behaviors that need to be modified from the sense that they are no longer wanted or that they are less valued because something is wrong.
Working with Bitches Page 18