Working with Bitches

by Meredith Fuller

  Our stress responses are not all the same—you may cope better than your colleague, yet you may also be under more pressure. It doesn’t have to make sense.

  The best strategy is to prevent burnout through a combination of change and education for both the organization and the people who may be causing the stress that leads to burnout. If your manager or the organization refuse to budge—if they refuse to see that your work situation is contributing to your high levels of stress and burnout, or if they see it as your personal problem and refuse to do anything about it—you might need to consider other options, such as finding a new job, moving to a different area in the organization, changing your reporting lines, or enrolling in a class or study course as a medium-term strategy for job change.

  Your Behavioral Profile

  You might believe that you should be able to handle the bitch and the stress she causes you and that you should be able to handle the work pressures that may be unreasonable because of her. Does this sound like you?

  In my experience dealing with stress issues as a psychologist and organizational consultant, I have observed that the following behaviors often cluster together. Check off the statements that apply to you.

  •I am a perfectionist (everything has to be under control and done to the highest level).

  •I am people oriented (I’m the only one who really cares or understands).

  •I am dedicated (I have to be totally committed).

  •I am conscientious (nobody does it as properly as I do).

  •I have high standards (it has to be 110 percent accurate).

  •I am inflexible (it must be done my way because it is the best way).

  •I am unassertive (I cannot or will not ask other people for help).

  •I am indispensable (people depend on me; they can’t do without me!)

  Have you checked more than one point? Then it is time to speak up. One of the reasons bitches get away with their behavior is because women valiantly keep trying to cope and end up wearing themselves out.

  Sometimes women can be their own worst enemies when they consistently deliver above and beyond what is reasonable. We are master jugglers, multitaskers, creative problem-solvers, and lateral thinkers and are likely to persevere to the end. We pride ourselves on doing what needs to be done, get impossible jobs done interdepartmentally using positive relationships, and maintain impeccable standards despite diminishing resources. We might be propping up dysfunctional situations with our goodwill and talent—this will probably be counterproductive in the longer term. A number of organizations rely on committed, meticulous staff to cover resourcing gaps. You might work very hard in a role—excessive hours, no breaks, and relentless persistence—and experience significant stress from working with a bitch and the associated strain of remaining silent and stoic.

  It might be useful to discuss your self-expectations and self-talk with someone you trust. Perhaps it is time to challenge your basic assumptions and to rethink what is a reasonable and appropriate contribution, given your current work climate and personal resources. For example, although it may be desirable to achieve 110 percent accuracy in all tasks, while your unit is understaffed or you are having some problems dealing with a bitch, it could be acceptable to perform ongoing tasks to 80 percent and reserve your customary 110 percent for special projects. It might be marvelous to do ten things well, but it may be smarter to complete your five top priorities very well.

  How to Stop Being a Yes Person

  There is a reason why people ask a busy person to complete a task for them. Don’t feel obliged to always say yes when somebody asks you to do something. You will become exhausted and they will expect you to be available 24/7. Saying no isn’t usually our default position. Women are more accustomed to helping others and juggling and solving problems. We often respond to the other person’s need before considering our own. Most women want to ensure harmony and will be likely to accommodate the other person.

  The more analytical woman is more able to whiz through a mental pros and cons list and say no, without being concerned about the ramifications for the other person. But it can be hard to refuse a colleague, especially when the person is so insistent or pleading. How can you insulate yourself from your customary yes responses, in order to manage your workload and reduce stress?

  Buy Time. If someone phones you with a request, you can explain that you can’t speak right now, implying you are with someone or have a call waiting. Say you’ll get back to him or her in ten minutes. If your boss lands in your office demanding that you agree to a task, explain you are completing something else and that you’ll come round to see her in ten minutes so you can give her your full attention. Now consider the request and whether you need to query what needs to be altered on your current load. Do not be railroaded into an immediate response. You’ll regret it.

  “It’s Not My Policy.” If you are asked to be involved in something questionable, be calm and assertive when you reply, “It’s not my policy to … ” It will be harder for them to wear you down. If they persist, you can say, “I’m not comfortable with this; I’d prefer it if you didn’t ask again.”

  Get a “No” Coach. Pick a colleague who excels at saying no and watch how and when this colleague does it. Find someone who confidently says no when he or she has too much to do. Seek this person’s advice and ask to rehearse with him or her.

  Stick to the Facts. If your manager expects an unreasonable turnaround time, give specific feedback such as explaining what is involved and how much time you have been given to do it. Don’t apologize or get emotional. Be factual, and outline the reasons why it cannot be done. Perhaps you can meet her halfway by outlining what is possible to accomplish in the time frame.

  Ask Yourself: “What’s the Worst That Can Happen?” Before you panic about what will happen if you say no, do a reality check. What is the worst that can happen? Will your manager terminate you? Will your co-worker race off to complain to the CEO? The consequences are unlikely to be extreme if you stick to the facts and don’t make it personal or emotional. But have the facts at your disposal in case the worst happens, and be confident.

  What Effect Is She Having on You?

  Has your quality of life changed significantly since you have been working with the mean girl? Check how many of these apply to you.

  1.You must stay in your job because you refuse to admit defeat (you won’t let her win).

  2.You have a compulsion to prove yourself (“I have to prove that I am better than her”).

  3.You are neglecting your needs (she rules your life, you do not think or talk of anything else, and you are too wound up to enjoy things anymore).

  4.You have no time for friends or hobbies (and friends are sick of hearing about her, so they avoid you anyway).

  5.Other people keep telling you that you have changed, you are looking stressed, or you are no longer fun to be around.

  6.You are in denial. (No, you’re not affected by her! You just feel cynical and aggressive for no reason—it is not connected to her!)

  7.You have withdrawn (you don’t have time for social or family activities; you are so tired coping with her at work you don’t want to talk when you get home; alcohol or other substance abuse helps you to relax and forget).

  8.You are on automatic pilot (life becomes a series of mechanical functions, and you are simply going through the motions; you feel flat or numb).

  9.You feel an inner emptiness (your hopes and dreams have been crushed).

  10.You suspect you might be suffering from depression (it is hard to get going, you struggle to get through each day, you are tired and sad, and this has been going on for more than a few weeks).

  11.Sometimes you wonder what it would be like to have a car accident and escape to spend a year in hospital, and you feel that you are on the verge of a complete mental and physical collapse.

  Anything you checked off from 1 to 6 is not good. The greater the number of checks the higher the concern. You
need to act before this gets worse.

  If you checked off anything between 7 to 11, things are serious and your situation requires urgent attention. It is very important that you speak to someone—preferably your primary-care physician, your psychiatrist, your psychologist, or trusted people close to you. No job is worth risking your mental and physical health.

  What Can You Do to Help Yourself?

  When you feel trapped and helpless, it can be difficult to tap into your problem-solving capabilities. Here are some strategies that can be preventative or remedial.

  Visit Your Doctor. It is wise to have an ongoing relationship with a primary care physician who has a sense of your general health and well-being. It is very difficult for doctors to get a sense of who you are and what you need if you suddenly turn up on the doorstep and they have no frame of reference for you. Even if you only go once a year for a general checkup or a flu shot, they are more likely to be able to assist you in a stress or burnout situation like this because they will have a sense of how well you usually are.

  See a Psychologist, Counselor, Mentor, or Coach. While women have gone to therapists for specific issues, some women are beginning to establish relationships with mentors, careers counselors, therapists, or supportive others in order to check in a few times a year about how they are managing and whether there may be some emergent issues. This can be viewed as reflective space, a preventative strategy for potential trouble spots, or a chance to learn about and recognize maladaptive patterns. Often a stressed or burned-out person is the last to know and may need a trusted professional to point this out.

  Take Advantage of Your Employee Assistance Program (EAP) If Your Company Has One. Some companies offer employee assistance programs. EAPs were designed to assist employees in dealing with the primary causes of stress. Some programs may include counseling and psychological services for staff. If your organization does not provide this service, ask if it would consider funding some external counseling sessions or mentoring or coaching as a strategic preventative measure.

  Do Some Stress Management Training. You might explore some stress management training. There are short courses, books, DVDs, or seminars that may suit you.

  Look at Stress Interventions. Certain activities, such as keeping a journal; narrative writing; or reviewing weekly wins, pleasant moments, or other positive events, can reduce physiological and psychological stress. For example, look at conflict resolution, assertion skills, time management, delegating skills, decision making, interviewing, and so on. Keeping a journal has additional benefits: Your career wins and achievements are useful information if you are updating your résumé or applying for other positions, and when you review your week, notes on your working relationships with other staff or any incidents provide helpful records if you need to build a case about someone’s treatment of you. Seek support in developing a stress management plan. Get your job-search skills and networking up to speed in case you need to send your résumé around or need to let people know that you might be open to interesting job offers. Now that you have learned as much as you can from your current situation, talk about seeking new challenges or horizons—not about how you want to escape a nasty place.

  Make Sure You Have Good Social Support. Social support has been seen as one of the strongest predictors of a reduction in burnout and stress for workers. A supportive environment and good working relationships between staff mitigate the negative aspects of burnout and stress. Would it be useful to schedule some lunches or social events interdepartmentally or with colleagues to keep in touch? Some teams have a monthly lunch where they invite other colleagues to chat about their roles and how they can best support each other. Others get together for information exchange over coffee or to establish yoga, Pilates, golf or basketball clubs, choirs, or foreign language classes; to share ideas from conferences or training courses; or to prepare for conferences or yearly planning workshops.

  Seek Flexibility. Where it’s possible and suitable, we work best when given some say in organizing and carrying out our work. For example, being able to work at home for certain periods, or to consider staggering how hours are worked, and having flexible rotations and access to staff training and development opportunities all contribute to a better-balanced work life. Learn to negotiate alternatives: If the opportunity exists, ask questions and communicate calmly about current workloads. Create a learning culture by talking about these issues with others.

  Set Realistic Deadlines. The new work mantra is “do less with less,” replacing the older, unworkable “do more with less” mantra that has contributed to unreasonable stress levels for a couple of decades. Set realistic deadlines for yourself and others. Avoid creating artificial pressure. If deadlines must be imposed from outside, inform and consult staff, have discussions about workloads, and negotiate time frames accordingly. In situations of urgency or emergency, consider reallocating and reprioritizing tasks. Offer support. Work groups can pull together for a few emergencies or external one-offs, but they can’t sustain this longer term. Many organizations have found that senior people are unaware of the mechanics of how things are actually done—they are unaware of the pressure their deadlines cause. Find a way to let senior management know what is really happening, but do it in a calm and logical way.

  Exercise Regularly. Regular exercise encourages the body to release endorphins, which reduce stress and anxiety and improve concentration and morale. Consider lunchtime walking groups, or go for a walk to clear your head—commitment to external exercise activities also encourages people to leave work at a reasonable time.

  Eat Nutritious Snacks During Breaks. Coffee, soft drinks, chocolate, and other sweets can provide quick bursts of energy. But ultimately, junk food makes us tired and irritable. Similarly, not eating at least every five hours can cause problems with low blood sugar or fuzzy brain. Have some almonds or fruit on hand. Limit your coffee intake, and try herbal tea or water. A mix of 20 percent apple juice in water provides good energy. Never go into a meeting with a bitch without being adequately hydrated. Similarly, don’t try to function if you are hypoglycemic—you might consider eating five almonds or walnuts (or the equivalent) before attending a meeting.

  Meditate. Meditation is an antidote to stress, provides a boost to health, and calms the nervous system. Research has shown that it protects the brain from some of the effects of aging. Meditation is a practice that can be done anywhere at any time for any amount of time. If you meditate for fifteen to forty-five minutes daily, you are inoculating yourself against the adverse effects of stress while improving your well-being.

  Practice Proper Breathing. Most of us are guilty of shallow breathing. Taking ten minutes a day to practice deep breathing is one of the best things you can do for counteracting anxiety. I recommend taking three to five deep breaths before going into any meetings or encounters with a bitch. It will help you to be more composed and clear-headed and more able to think about what you want to say.

  Try Problem-Based Coping. Focus on the causes of your stress. While some of your stress may be caused by the bitch at work, are there other causes? What can you do? Even if you can’t resolve a problem immediately, merely knowing that you are planning to tackle it can bring some relief.

  Examine Your Feelings. Take a careful look at exactly why you are feeling miserable, tired, discouraged, and depleted of energy. Talk about it with trusted friends and colleagues. Seek help. Develop a plan of action, and assess progress. Be proactive.

  Learn to Budget Your Time. Don’t feel obligated to always say yes when somebody asks you to do something. You will become exhausted, and people will expect you to be available 24/7. Practice how to say no if you are asked to do something you don’t have time to do.

  Set Boundaries and Expectations. Boundaries between work and home have become increasingly blurred, particularly with changes in technology. We are often expected to be available for after-hours functions, and jobs often require some attention at home. It is not a badge of hono
r to work excessive hours per week. Despite technology’s enabling us to be available 24/7, we need to create adequate boundaries between work and life outside of work. Although some people may choose to leave messages and send e-mails at all hours, we need to set reasonable response expectations. It is worth remembering that precedents are difficult to take back. Many women have spoken about how their managers text or phone them throughout the weekend, sending e-mails in the middle of the night that they expect to be acted on before work? There is a general expectation that you won’t have a life outside work. On the other hand, you may have a job that does require some attention out of hours. You might say that you are happy to be contacted in emergencies (and specify what that may include), but you won’t access your e-mails or phone after 9 P.M. or on weekends, or whatever you decide is reasonable. You do have a right to train colleagues in what is reasonable out-of-hours behavior—managing up is often about setting clear boundaries. Remind your manager that you wish to be fresh and fully alert to do your job properly. Be ready with examples of what other managers and staff see as reasonable.

  Examine Your Values, Goals, and Measures of Success

  Values are principles that guide your life. You can view yourself as possessing or exercising a group of values or guiding principles that inform how you behave. Values can be composed of personal or intrinsic values (for example, honesty, integrity, loyalty), together with your work values and needs (for example, autonomy, security, making a difference) and the importance you attach to each. Individuals often have different value priorities, goals, and success measures for a variety of reasons, and these may also change over time. What are your nonnegotiable values? What are you passionate about? How do you evaluate yourself against the expectations placed upon you by your superiors and by the work you are doing? Are these measures grounded in reality? How do you know? Are your personal development goals being met by the type of work you are doing? Are you feeling too much pressure from unrealistic demands or those that challenge your personal values? What frustrates you?