Q. I work in a small office, and one of my young, bitchy colleagues hardly does anything. She flirts with the boss, and he doesn’t notice that she doesn’t do anything. The rest of us are left to pick up her slack. I don’t want to complain, because I am worried about losing my job. What should I do?
A. This can be tricky. The safest thing to do is to stop protecting her and stop picking up the slack (in the nicest possible way, of course). You all need to be united on this. If the boss wants to know why X, Y, and Z aren’t being done properly, then you all need to be able to demonstrate your diligence and clearly sign off on all your individual work requirements.
If the boss still doesn’t get it and demands that you fix up X, Y, or Z, then you can reasonably ask which of your other tasks you could drop to fulfill this request. Of course, you should make sure you have a whiteboard or calendar that maps your workload so it is clear you are all working to capacity. You should appear mystified as to why certain things are not being achieved in the office—this should lead to real questions being asked about responsibility and output.
Q. I am supervised by a devious woman whose qualifications and experience are inferior to mine. She was promoted over me, and I cannot respect her. Apart from leaving my job, I can’t see any other way I can get on with her. I’ve tried all sorts of things, counseling included, but she is just terrible to work for.
A. The first area is hard for you to control because you are stuck with her as your manager. You can, however, explore some options. Make sure you have clarified and agreed on preferred communication styles and approaches and that you understand protocols for managing disagreements and conflict. A third party, such as a human resources employee or an external consultant, could help you manage this process in consultation with your current supervisor. Another option would be to look at any creative possibilities for alternative reporting arrangements or looking at a move within your organization. Start hunting for good managers within the company. Your relationship with your direct report is critical to your career success—the better it is, the better for you. It would also be worth discussing your job situation with a senior manager or human resources manager to see if they have other ideas.
The second area concerns your personal coping. Understandably, a major source of your stress is the frustration you feel when you compare how your supervisor performs and deals with situations, with how you would perform and handle the same situations. If there are no other options that seem viable at present, then you need to learn to modify your thoughts about the situation. This might involve thoroughly working through your sense of injustice—resentment that you should have gotten the job over the current incumbent—so that this feeling doesn’t hold you back. Learn to accept the situation and bide your time until an opportunity comes around again for you to apply for a supervisor’s position or until the current incumbent changes roles. Work on controlling your stewing over your perception of unfairness about your current work situation. Specific coping skills that can be learned and would help improve your tolerance and reduce your stress level are discussed in detail in Chapter 12.
The third area involves deciding to change job roles. If you think there are no further or viable ways to improve your personal coping skills or to manage your interaction with the supervisor in the workplace, then you could start looking at a job change.
Q. I’ve worked part-time in the same job for six years since the birth of my son. I’ve just gotten a new boss who is a real bitch and seems to have a negative attitude to part-time workers. I’m very loyal to my organization, but I’m concerned that she is trying to get rid of me by making the role full-time.
A. As we all know, part-time workers deliver more than their time ratio at a consistently high output level, because they really want to be there and have great juggling skills. They benefit from having multiple roles, and this can mean many value-added benefits for the employer.
I am perplexed by the obstacles and career punishments that part-time workers often endure, given that their work results are so impressive. If you are concerned that your new boss may devalue part-timers, be proactive and raise it as an issue. Put it on the table. Get your boss to list the concerns. Gather some evidence to support the positives. You can rectify these misconceptions and resolve concerns before any damage is done. If she’s still unconvinced, she may be satisfied by hearing from colleagues who employ part-time staff. Are there any other part-timers at your work or in a similar industry? Ask around. Your boss may have had some past negative experiences that should not contaminate you. Find out if there’s history. She may simply need information and education about new work patterns, why they’re so good, and how to get the best out of them.
Q. I’m working in an administrative job in a large organization. My job is pretty boring, but I often help my boss with her work and come up with good ideas for campaigns and strategies for promoting our product. I don’t want her to know I’m bored—I think she would hold it against me—but at some point, I would like to get some recognition. I’d like to do something like her job, but I don’t know where to start.
A. You sound like a dynamo who really puts in. You obviously think about the department’s work and enjoy innovation. I assume you have good time management and self-discipline, as you continue to sign off on work that you have outgrown as well as eagerly put your hand up for more responsibility. Good managers would welcome your interest and would like to support your career development. A not-so-good manager will relish your extra input that is costing her nothing and making her look good.
Be up front, and ask if you can take on more responsibility, but phrase your request carefully. To make sure that your boss doesn’t feel you are too critical or being bad tempered, don’t say, “I’m bored. I should be doing the fun stuff you do, and you should pay me more money because of all the help I have provided.” Instead, choose your time and say something like, “You are mentoring and coaching me so well. I am on top of my role responsibilities, and I would love the challenge of additional assignments. Can I offer extra assistance?” Ask if there are other jobs that you could take responsibility for. Establish your medium-term goal (for example, to gain a particular qualification), and explain that eventually you would like to work there in another capacity. Ask how this sits with your manager’s performance appraisal goals and the direction of the department and company. Ask if there are any particular short academic courses she would recommend you undertake that would be beneficial for the organization.
If there are no opportunities in your current job and you are ready to make the career transition, you need to consider other companies or industries. You obviously make things happen for yourself and can delay immediate gratification for longer-term satisfaction. These are tremendous qualities. Remember that your proven track record of successfully combining innovation, industry knowledge, and necessary (albeit boring) administration will stand you in good stead. Make sure you keep a record of all the projects you have contributed to.
Q. My boss has gotten a new job in our company, and they’ve advertised her old job. I’m really annoyed that I wasn’t asked to apply. She didn’t like me, so I think she’s behind that decision. What should I do?
A. Does your organization know you are interested in this role? Do you have the skills and experience to do the job, or would this be a significant role shift? I ask because it’s possible that no one else in your organization has a clue that you see this role as the logical progression for your career path. Never assume people know, unless it has been discussed. Start talking.
Progressive companies ensure that they have good human resources strategies in place. This will include performance reviews, succession planning, and managers who take an active interest in the career development of their staff. If the latter is the case, then you are most entitled to feel miffed that no one has spoken to you about the vacancy. While some organizations may have a policy of not inviting internal applicants, others actively recruit
from within. Regardless, if your manager is aware that you are interested in this role, and she is deliberately blocking you, you need to take action. Perhaps she did not want you to apply for her job, because she is insecure or devalues your skills and potential.
Ask why you weren’t approached. You might find there is an expectation that staff will be self-reliant about their own careers and actively pursue promotion strategies and applications. If that is the case, you may be feeling excluded, while the company is smug about not hand-holding or showing bias internally. There could be hundreds of reasons—policy, oversight, ignorance, poor communication skills, malice, or an accurate assessment of your capacity to meet the selection criteria. Put yourself out of this misery immediately, and ask. You cannot lose. You may discover they simply didn’t think, didn’t know you were interested, do not see you as replacement material because you lack the skills and ability, or are delighted to encourage an internal applicant who can ensure a seamless transition. If you don’t ask, your hurt and anger may fester and harm your career satisfaction and relationship with your manager.
Apply for the job. You will learn a lot from the preparation and post-interview reflection. For example, you may be able to obtain feedback about deficits and the required skills that you can acquire over the next year. There may be a more suitable candidate—someone who fits the selection criteria perfectly. At least you have put your hand up. Keep putting it up. Get feedback. Do not resign in a fit of rage. Give them the benefit of the doubt, and be proactive. Research, practice, prepare. You might be the best applicant for the position and win it, but make sure you could cope with being unsuccessful and would be gracious to the new incumbent. You don’t want to become the bitch your boss was to you!
Q. I have to get away from my bitch boss, and I’m thinking about moving back with my parents while I look for a new job. Is that a good idea?
A. Sometimes getting out of a job that is causing you grief is the best solution. You might be able to go home for a while in order to manage financially and emotionally while you are in transition. It is important to appreciate their kindness in helping you out, and don’t assume that your parents are desperate to get you back. They are helping you; you are not doing them a favor gracing them with your presence. Indicate a likely time line so you are all clear about how long this will be for. Make sure that it’s not an open-ended arrangement.
Be honest. Explain why you had to resign, and make it clear that your self-esteem took a beating and that you might not be the best company for a while. You don’t want them to think you are not happy spending time with them or annoyed because you are sleeping a lot instead of bouncing up in the morning to look for a new job.
Establish house rules together. Discuss finances, chores, and living styles up front. This is a shared house, and you have responsibilities; you are not going home to have your washing done or meals cooked. Demand appropriate privacy. If your bedroom door is closed, you expect them to knock, or you need a quiet hour when you get up. Similarly, find out what their privacy needs are.
Plan a departure date. Work out how long you will need to get back on your feet, then plan your next move. You can either renegotiate or arrange to stay with a friend, but don’t just assume you can live there indefinitely. That’s not good for anyone.
Moving back home for a while can be a lovely thing to do—if your parents are elderly, it gives you a chance to assess in a non -imperious way just how well they are coping, and you might be able to help them with chores that are getting beyond them. It might give you better insight into what their needs are, long term.
Q. Is it worth telling my bitch colleague what I think of her appalling behavior?
A. In our litigious society, where people are concerned about political correctness, many of us may sidestep the obvious action of taking a woman aside and pointing out her inappropriate behavior. Several contributors to this book mentioned times when well-meaning friends or colleagues would speak to someone as soon as she started exhibiting inappropriate behavior. The person was quickly pulled into line before a problem took hold. In contrast, some managers are so intimidated by bitches and their likely retaliation that it wouldn’t occur to them to sit down and tell the woman what was inappropriate about her behavior.
When someone does finally speak straight to these women, they can be shocked. Sometimes it turns out that no one had ever told them, and they hadn’t realized how they came across. Simple feedback and guidelines about what is acceptable behavior was enough to alter bitchy behavior. Then again, some women have no idea how to behave—they are socially inept. Even if you explain, they lack the self-awareness to acknowledge their inappropriate behaviors. Of course, some others would not give a hoot about the feedback and would carry on as they please.
Gauge your particular situation, and see if it’s worth risking some straight talking. Be calm and reasonable. Rehearse first in order to try to keep your emotions in check.
Organize to meet where you won’t be interrupted or overheard. Ask her how she thinks that the team is performing, how her contributions are working, and her assessment of her impact on others. In a neutral tone, list your observations of her behavior and their consequences. Give your feedback. Show evidence. You might also ask about her former jobs—she may realize that former “problems” or “misunderstandings” are also linked to her behavior. List the benefits that will flow from her changing her behavior. Explain what needs to be changed, how, and why in very clear language with plenty of examples. And make sure you have nothing to lose by bringing the issue into the open.
WHERE TO GET HELP
We spend a lot of hours working, and we need to work in at least a benign, if not enabling, environment. Refuse to tolerate relentless pain or to put up with debilitating unhappiness.
“Women deserve to be happy at work,” says Isabelle, “and we need to self-love enough to be responsible about making the situation better for ourselves. No one should have to endure this kind of stress and unhappiness. They need to find some kind of resolution.”
Chantelle, at twenty-six, also refuses to tolerate unhappiness at work: “Understand yourself and what you want from life. My first job was in television, where the people were horrible. I cried every morning on the way to work and cried when I got home. I am enthusiastic, hardworking, and positive, and I knew something was very wrong with that place. Life shouldn’t be like that, and I left. I now work in a publishing company where everyone is lovely and I look forward to going to work every morning.”
Partner, Family Member, Trusted Friend
You are likely to feel comfortable talking with those closest to you before considering what you might do next. They may have been through similar experiences and can share their experience or act as support persons while you plan a course of action. They may ensure that you seek professional support rather than convince yourself that it doesn’t really matter.
If you aren’t sure how significant your current or past mean girl story is—or don’t even know whether you are upset, provoked, or hurt—but would appreciate a casual chat with someone who knows you well or has dealt with a similar problem, it can be great to talk with a partner, parent, family member, trusted friend, neighbor, priest, or other spiritual adviser. Sometimes chatting about the situation can help put things into perspective and confirm your suspicion that something nasty has been occurring. They may even offer to meet you for coffee as a backup person after a scheduled meeting with a mean girl who is worrying you.
We can also honor our greatest resource by cherishing the advice of our women elders. Grandmothers usually have wise advice about coping with mean girls.
Complementary Therapies
You might lean toward complementary therapies, including aromatherapy, chiropractic, herbal medicine, homeopathy, naturopathy, osteopathy, Reiki, acupuncture, Alexander technique, and yoga, among others. Looking after yourself is very important, so choose what works best for you.
If you would like
to try something that is natural (from plants and flowers) and cost-efficient, try flower essences. They can be purchased easily and are aligned with ancient and folk healing practices, requiring only a few drops under your tongue for immediate effect. You can find them at your local health-food shop or pharmacy. A range of flower essence practitioners can be found in complementary therapy publications available at health-food shops.
Primary Care Physicians and Other Health-Care Professionals
Primary care physicians (PCPs) are often the best place to start if you have physical or emotional problems that need to be sorted out. If you feel unwell, stressed, exhausted, anxious, or depressed, you can discuss your symptoms and consider the possibility of seeing a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist. You might also consider inquiring about referrals if you need help with past or current issues—such as nastiness in your school, university, workplace, or friendship circles—that may have been triggered by reading this book.
PCPs are also helpful if you want to approach your human resources department to clarify the type of assistance you need (for example, you may wish to apply for sick leave).
Find a psychologist, make a call, talk with trusted friends, and tell your loved ones. Remember, we all deserve a work environment where there is clear leadership, clear communications, and clear values, protocols, and roles. Best-practice organizations expect employees to take responsibility for role-modeling the behavior that will drive an excellent culture. Finally, we all require adequate trust and safety when working. Please take care of yourself, seek support, and rise above workplace nastiness like all of the women interviewed for this book.
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