While the kids finished their McDonald's at the dining table, I sat on the sofa and shut my eyes. I tried to find a happy place. A place that was quiet and calm. In my mind I went through what had happened that day. I wanted to pinpoint my biggest challenges. I wanted to develop a strategy for overcoming those issues and I needed to work out which problem to attack first.
It was possible that Colin had drugged me at his house. He hadn’t explained how his wife had died, he had practically insisted I have a drink or something to eat. And he had a new rug.
Of course it was possible. But it wasn’t probable.
He’d seemed like a nice guy. He was recommended by Dr Jones. And I was experiencing extraordinary paranoia.
So something else had happened to me, resulting in me not remembering an hour and a half and close to one hundred miles of driving. I had to account for it — but I couldn’t.
So that was probably challenge number one.
Michael had problems at school as a direct result of me being a shit mum. I could deal with that one immediately and as far as Michael was concerned I had probably already made inroads with the tickling and the Maccy D’s.
The Deputy Head job was just one of those things. Of course I still wanted the job, but I had other, more important things to deal with first. I would get back to school as soon as possible. If I was the right person for the job — then I would get it.
I had already decided not to drink. I wasn’t going to use any sort of substance to fool my nose into not smelling things and I definitely wasn’t going to try to develop any additional personalities.
When I thought about Neil I felt butterflies in my stomach. I wasn’t sure what was going on with him. It could just be the pressure of work at the bank — but it could be so much more too.
And the dreams. They were still an issue I had to deal with. Along with the ongoing pain in my leg with no bruise and no mark.
I caught my breath when I remembered the feeling of power in my arms when I’d tickled the kids, but also the desire to hurt them. To fling them away from me against the walls. And then the voice. Unclear, dripping with hatred and inside my head. The voice of a man.
Missing time.
Dreams and visions.
Physical changes and feelings of power.
Wanting to hurt my children.
Hearing voices.
I had a big problem. It scared me. It scared me a lot.
I saw my word-puzzle book on the floor under the coffee table. My electronic dictionary sat on top of it. My hands were shaking again as I picked up the dictionary. I typed in a word and started reading the definition.
My concentration was broken by the sound of a key scratching at the front door.
Neil.
He was in before I managed to switch off the dictionary and close the lid.
‘Hello,’ he said.
I shut the lid and put the dictionary down beside me. Neil looked at it, then at me.
‘Are you OK?’ he said.
I stood up and walked over to him.
‘Of course. How was your day? You’re a bit late again?’ I looked into his face. He still had dark bags under his eyes, his nose looked red. I couldn’t make out if his eyes were bloodshot or not.
‘Work,’ he said. ‘You know how it is.’
‘You should have let me know.’
I breathed in through my nose as we kissed. Tried to play detective with my sense of smell. No alcohol as far as I could tell. A spicy aroma — perhaps a tikka sandwich for lunch. And something else. Was it perfume? I couldn’t be sure. Really not sure at all. But it was possible.
He nodded in the direction of the sofa.
‘What were you up to?’ he said. ‘You looked very guilty when I walked in.’
‘I was just looking up a word in my dictionary. For one of my word-puzzles.’
His eyes moved to the puzzle book, still closed and still under the table. Then he looked straight at me. I blushed.
‘How are the kids?’ he said.
‘Just finishing a McDonald’s. I wanted to treat them tonight. I thought you and me could have something quick from the freezer. And I’ve got stuff to talk to you about too.’
His shoulders dropped slightly and he forced a smile. ‘Great,’ he said. ‘Let me just get a drink first.’
I heard Michael in his room, destroying planets on Playstation. Rose curled up in front of the TV watching a DVD.
In the dining room, behind closed doors, Neil and I chewed our way through a cook-from-frozen Chinese meal for two. I told him as much as I could about my day, about Colin Connell, about Mum and Dad and about Michael. I didn’t mention the missing time or the unexplained mileage reading.
As soon as I mentioned the fight, Neil opened his mouth to shout upstairs for Michael to come down. I stopped him.
‘He was protecting me,’ I said. ‘And Rose.’
‘How on earth was he protecting you? You weren’t even there.’
‘Not so loud,’ I said. ‘They’ll hear you.’
‘I need to give that boy a damn good talking to.’
I explained how other children had been rude about me. Calling me ugly and scarface. How it had been affecting Michael, and presumably Rose too.
‘That will be why he asked me if I thought you were still beautiful,’ Neil said. His voice softer now.
I nodded.
‘I tried ringing Harry’s parents earlier, but they must have been up at the hospital. I’m going to call them again after we’ve eaten. Find out how he is. Maybe offer to go round there and talk to them.’
Neil nodded.
‘I still need to talk to Michael as well,’ he said.
‘Why don’t we sit down and talk to him together,’ I said. ‘Before bed?’
‘OK,’ he said. ‘Together.’
He put his chopsticks down and wiped his mouth. ‘And what about paying this Connell bloke? Do you think it’s worth it?’
‘I’m not sure what to make of it at the moment. I’ll give the doctor a call in the morning and talk it through with him. It will give me a chance to find out if Colin Connell has spoken to him yet.’
‘If we have to pay for it, we have to pay for it,’ Neil said. ‘It’s important to get you better, Chris. We will always find a way.’
I reached over the table and touched his hand.
‘Let’s see what the doctor says first,’ I said.
After we’d finished eating we loaded up the dishwasher together and threw away all the empty food containers. I told Neil to go and spend some time with Rose in the living-room while I called Harry’s parents from the phone in the kitchen.
Yes, Harry was fine really. A bit shocked and bruised. We know how sorry you are Christine. Yes, it might be helpful to visit. No — I’m not sure it would be a good idea to bring Michael — I’m sure they’ll sort it out between them back at school. In about twenty minutes? Yes, that will be fine. See you then.
What a relief. Harry was OK and his parents were still talking to me. I put the phone down and opened the kitchen door.
Rose was still sprawled on the sofa, still watching the film. Neil was sat in the armchair looking down. Open in his hands was my electronic dictionary. He looked confused. I felt my heart bump. The dictionary always switched on to the last word that was looked up. As I walked into the room, Neil stared up at me.
I could see by his expression that he had read it.
Insane - in a state of mind which prevents normal perception, behaviour, or social interaction; seriously mentally ill.
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