Abi and the kids stayed for tea. We all had beans on toast. Not much of a meal, but quick and easy.
Neil walked through the front door at 5:30pm. Right on time.
A shitty thought zipped through my head. Perhaps he was on time because he wasn’t seeing anyone tonight. Abi was with me.
Shitty thought. She was my best friend and he was my husband.
He looked taller than he had for several days. Brighter and more awake too. He smiled when he saw me. And when he realised Abi and her children were here the smile took on a different characteristic. False. I’m sure Abi and the kids wouldn’t have recognised it. But I did. He was disappointed that they were there.
‘You’re early,’ I said.
Looking at me, genuine smile again.
‘I told them I had to get home on time at least once in a blue moon,’ he said. ‘Something smells good, what is it?’
‘I had a professional come in to cook tonight. It’s beans on toast.’
‘Ah,’ he said. ‘It smelled better than that.’
‘I can ask the chef to do you some if you want. I think we still have another tin.’
‘I’ll pass on that. Have we got anything in the freezer?’
‘Go have a look. I’ll break it to the chef.’
Neil dropped his briefcase by the sofa and stuck his head round the dining room door. He gave and received all the requisite greetings and stomped off to the kitchen. I heard him turn on the tap and open the freezer door.
As I stood in the living room, next to Neil’s briefcase, for a moment it felt like summer. I felt light and warm. The Neil I loved was back, and laughter belted out from the dining room.
If I put all that had happened out of my mind and ignored the ache at the top of my leg, I could feel normal. And, for a brief space in time, I felt whatever normal was to me. My own version of it.
I wanted Abi and the kids gone, Michael and Rose in bed, and just the two of us sitting down together. I didn’t care what we did. Eat together; watch telly together — anything. As long as it was just us, together.
Abi read my mind. I heard her raise her voice over the top of the kids.
‘Come on Jess, Jose. Finish up now. It’s getting late.’
All four kids protested. I would have expected nothing less.
‘No really,’ she said. ‘We must be going. Dad will think we’ve deserted him.’
I heard Josie shout “We have”, and they all laughed again.
I walked back into the dining-room and sat back down to my now cold beans on toast.
‘You don’t have to go,’ I said.
Abi looked up and smiled at me. She nodded.
‘Come on kids,’ she said. ‘See who can be the first to get their coat on.’
She really was my best friend.
In less than five minutes she managed to calm them all down and have them ready by the front door.
‘I’ll see you at ten to nine,’ she said.
Josie overheard as she jumped off the the front doorstep.
‘Why is that?’ she said.
‘Me and Christine are going for a coffee,’ she said. ‘And don’t be so nosey.’
In the flow of fresh air that spilled in from outside, I smelled Abi’s perfume. Not deliberately. But it came to me, entwined with all the other scents coming my way. I had smelled it before. On her, of course, but on someone else too. My immediate thought went to Neil. But that was unjust. It wasn’t him. It was the kids. Michael and Rose. Presumably from where she was giving them a lift every day. I realised I hadn’t even thanked her properly for all the lifts. I decided to pop out to the local shop and find some chocolates for her. I glanced at my car in the drive and remembered the keys locked inside.
Abi had been right. Cycling to the doctors would be a bit crap. I could do it, of course, and it wouldn’t take too long, but if the weather was poor, or if the rush-hour traffic was still hanging around, it would be a complete pain in the backside.
And I couldn’t even cycle to the shop tonight. I had no lights on my bike.
I heard the microwave beeping in the kitchen and smelled Neil’s tea. Chicken Biryani. I closed the front door and walked through the living-room towards the kitchen.
Neil was just peeling the plastic back from his meal. He hadn’t got a plate ready. Or a knife and fork. I opened the cupboard and took out a plate.
‘I’ll just warm this up for you,’ I said.
‘I was just going to eat it out of the packaging,’ he said.
I put the empty plate in the microwave and switched it on.
‘It only takes 30 seconds,’ I said. ‘Cavemen eat Biryani out of the package, not bank workers.’
‘Cavemen are so hungry,’ he said, ‘they don’t even bother microwaving it in the first place.’
I enjoyed these stupid conversations. I knew Neil did to. It was like a game of silly verbal tennis, with neither of us bothered who won.
‘Do you want me to wash your loin cloth?’ I said.
He made a stupid face.
‘It doesn’t really need it,’ he said. ‘I’ve only had it on since Christmas.’
‘I know,’ I said. ‘I can see your baubles.’
I took the warm plate out of the microwave and handed it to him. He turned it upside down over the microwave meal and inverted the plate and packaging together. I couldn’t believe that not even a morsel fell to the floor. The entire meal, sauce too, rested dead centre of the plate.
‘Hah!’ he said.
‘Baubles,’ I said.
Neil was happy to drive us to the shop. Michael and Rose were happy to stay at home for five minutes.
I opened the passenger side window and checked the air outside. It was OK, so I left the window open. Neil gave me a sideways look, which I ignored. He reached over and turned the heater up.
‘So why have you locked your keys in the car?’ he said. ‘On purpose?’
‘I’ll tell you on the way,’ I said.
He looked at me with a stupid grin on his face. Presumably mirroring how stupid he thought I was for deliberately locking the keys in the car.
‘It’s great that you were back on time today,’ I said. ‘Really great.’
He smiled again.
‘How was your day?’ he said. ‘How was the counsellor?’
Jealousy again?
‘How long have you got?’ I said.
Another stupid grin. ‘Just about until we get to the shops.’
‘The counsellor was fine,’ I said. ‘Really good, in fact. I think it’s highlighting things for me though.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean, I’m not really sure that what I have — if I actually have anything — is post-traumatic-stress.’
Neil kept his eyes on the road. But I knew he was listening.
‘The bangs on the head have caused these dreams and visions, I’m sure of that. But the dreams and visions are not about the attack. They are about something else. The counsellor asked me if I had been bullied by a girl or a group of girls when I was younger. Obviously I hadn’t. But he said that maybe I had and my mind had erased it as a memory, because it was too painful.’
Neil let out a single laugh. Shook his head.
‘What?’ I said.
‘It sounds like he’s making it up to me,’ Neil said.
I felt as though I should defend Colin, but didn’t.
‘It kind of felt like that to me too,’ I said. ‘But I knew what he was getting at. And to be honest, if I can find an answer to all this, then I would be very happy. So I went with it. I drove to my mum and dad’s to see if they could remember anything from my childhood.’
‘Really?’
‘Neil, just listen. Don’t make any comments, please.’
He looked over at me. His face lit up from the oncoming headlights. He raised his eyebrows.
‘Obviously they confirmed what I had said. That there was nothing in my childhood at all. Nothing. In a way I was disappointed, not to be abl
e to pin everything on some long forgotten event. But I knew, at least, that there was nothing wrong with my memory.’
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Neil half turn his head to say something. Then he stopped and looked back to the road ahead.
‘On the drive back home,’ I said, ‘I started thinking about time. Started imagining a world without it. I started to feel pretty happy. Had some of my confidence back.’
I could feel Neil bristling to say something, but he still kept quiet. I wondered whether I should continue with what I was going to say. But what the heck. If my best friend could deal with it I was pretty sure my husband could. At least he should.
I told him about the woman in the back of my car. Told him about my ferocious feelings and how I was ready to follow them through. I told him about every aspect of the blackouts. And then I told him about Rose’s bedroom and about the feelings I had felt when I tickled the kids.
I told him everything that was on my mind and from my mind. This time I didn’t cry. I must have let that all out with Abi.
I was surprised when he pulled the car into a lay-by. He left the engine running, presumably because I still had the window open. He turned in his seat to face me. He looked tired again.
‘And I’m worried about you working late,’ I said.
He sighed and his jaw tightened.
‘What are we going to do, Chris?’ he said.
That surprised me too.
‘What do you mean?’ I said.
‘What’s happening to you is seriously wrong. None of this should be happening. None of it is normal.’
At last. I was finally getting through to someone.
‘Exactly,’ I said.
‘So we need to do something to make it all better,’ he said.
‘I’m seeing the doctor again in the morning,’ I said.
His head dropped and he clenched his fist against the steering wheel.
‘For fuck sake,’ he said. ‘How many times have you seen the doctor now? And what has he done for you? Not a damn thing. Your life is fucked at the moment. Mine too. And if you’re now hearing voices that are telling you to hurt the kids or kill people. What the fuck, Chris? What the fuck?’
It wasn’t like him to swear so much. Every swear word felt like a sting.
‘I’ve been doing everything I can to overcome this,’ I said. ‘Everything within my power, everything I can think of. And to be honest I feel like I’ve been doing it alone.’
‘What does that mean?’
He knew very well what it meant.
‘You’ve not been here, Neil,’ I said. ‘You’ve not been here during the day and you’ve been working fucking late most nights. So what the fuck do you suggest I do?’
‘I’m doing the best I can too,’ he said. ‘I still have to work. I can’t just drop everything and stay at home all the time. Life just isn’t like that.’
‘Well my life just isn’t like it used to be,’ I said. ‘I didn’t asked to be attacked. And I sure as hell didn’t ask for all this shit to be happening to me. What else can I do — other than go to the doctor? When we’re sick, that’s what we do. And I know I’m sick.’
He didn’t say anything.
‘And you don’t have to work late. You could leave at the normal time. Even if you brought work home with you, that would be better. At least you’d be here.’
‘You know we aren’t allowed to take work home. Everything has to stay within the bank. You can’t just bring people’s bank details home and start working on them.’
‘Well it’s funny that you’re having to work late just when I need you most at home.’
His fists clenched tighter on the steering wheel.
‘What do you mean — funny?’
‘You know what I mean. How do I even know you’re at the bank?’
He slammed his fist on the dashboard and swore. His teeth were so tightly clenched that it sounded more like hissing than words.
His face screwed up and his eyes narrowed. He leaned forward towards me.
‘I have to fucking work,’ he said, still hissing. ‘If you don’t trust me, come and wait for me to fucking finish.’
He backed off slightly.
‘And then maybe I’ll come and wait for you when you see your fucking counsellor,’ he said.
I closed my eyes and stretched my head back.
‘Oh for god’s sake.’ I said. ‘I’m seeing a counsellor because I’m trying to get better. The doctor recommended him. I didn’t choose him. I would be more than happy for you to come along. Be my guest — if you can get any time off work.’
A huge lorry sped past us, headlights on full beam and sounding its horn. The noise was deafening, the lights blinding.
‘Fuck off,’ Neil and I shouted in tandem.
The lorry passed and we both sat in silence while the heat from our argument dissipated.
I looked out of the open window, watched the moon disappear and reappear from behind the clouds. I heard Neil tapping his wedding ring finger on the gear stick.
I wound the window up and he stopped tapping.
‘What are we going to do about the kids?’ I said.
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