by Ana McKenzie
Bianca pressed her hands to her face, then drew them down over the dry skin. She wanted a shower, and a decent cup of coffee, and before both those things, she wanted Macy to leave.
‘I’m sorry, Macy,’ she said. ‘I’m not interested in that sort of publicity.’
There was a short pause, then Macy exploded. ‘What are you talking about, Bianca!’ she said. ‘You’d be a fool not to take advantage of this opportunity. We’re talking fame on a whole different level. More money as well, but we’ll be invited to all sorts of opportunities.’
‘We?’
‘Of course. You’re going to need someone at your side. You can’t just fumble around on your own, you know. You’re effectively blind, and didn’t you tell me the doctors said it would only get worse?’
Bianca rubbed at her eyes. Right now, she could see very well indeed. Perfectly clearly, as it happened.
‘I’d like you to leave, Macy,’ she said. ‘And not to go and pack a few things, but permanently. You don’t need to come back here.’
A spluttering sound, but Bianca pushed past it, making for her drawers and some clothes. She felt ridiculous having this argument in just a tee shirt.
‘But you need me, Bianca. You can’t possibly do any of this on your own.’
‘I’m sure I’ll work out the details, Macy,’ Bianca said, fishing around in her drawer for clean underwear. ‘Please show yourself out.’
A longer pause this time, and when Macy spoke again, it was in a lower voice. ‘I know,’ she said. ‘You’re upset with how things went last night. With that girl you’ve been seeing. Well, I wouldn’t worry about that. I sent her packing this morning when she had the temerity to come around asking for you. That’s why I’m up so early. No respect for the fact that some of us like to get up at a reasonable hour.’
Bianca had turned, a pair of knickers dangling from her fingers. ‘What?’ she said. ‘Merren was here?’
Macy’s stick figure jerked across the floor towards Bianca. ‘She came knocking on the door before the sun was barely even up. Jabbering on about having to talk to you.’
‘And you sent her away?’ Bianca scrunched the underwear into a knot in her fist.
‘With a flea in her ear, as deserved.’
‘Macy,’ Bianca said, fatigue welling up through her. ‘Please can you go home. I want to be alone.’
As though she’d said the magic words, Macy came and patted her on the shoulder, not noticing when Bianca shrank away.
‘Of course,’ she said. ‘I understand. You had a thing for the girl. You need some time to lick your wounds. I’ll let you have some peace and quiet, obviously I will.’ She took her hand away and made for the door.
‘I’ll bring us around some dinner later, though. Can’t have you going hungry. You’ve a lot of work to do – you’ll need your strength.’
Bianca didn’t have the energy to argue. Macy wasn’t listening anyway. Had she always been like that? So involved with what was going on inside her own head that she couldn’t hear what Bianca was saying?
The thought made Bianca gasp, and she dropped the panties, then had to grope around on the floor for them, down on her hands and knees, chasing after the flimsy piece of nylon she couldn’t even see.
‘Oh fuck,’ she said, and gave a gasping laugh. ‘Oh shit, damn, and fuck. What the hell have I done?’
Her hand closed on the underwear, and she sat there on the floor, bare legs under her, hearing the front door close, and the birds still outside her window calling to each other, and otherwise there was silence except for the swim of voices in her head.
Scrambling for her feet, Bianca tugged the underwear on, dived into some clothes for more to cover herself with, then shuffled from the room, hands in front of her, feeling her way along the wall and down the stairs to her office.
Drawing the board covered in plastic numbers to herself, Bianca picked up the phone.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
It rang for a few beats, then Merren’s voice came on asking Bianca to leave a message. It was so unexpected that Bianca didn’t know what to say. She’d thought Merren would answer and the recorded voice threw her off. ‘Um,’ she stumbled. ‘Merren, it’s me. Bianca. Can you call me back? Please?’
She stared into nothing after hanging up the receiver. The room was dark with a smudge of grey where the window was. For the moment, she wasn’t even seeing colours, and a strange fancy entered her mind – that the broad sweeps and sparks of colour that the doctor had hastened to tell her were hallucinations were gone because so was Merren.
‘That’s ridiculous,’ she said to herself, speaking the words out loud in the quiet room.
Of course it was ridiculous. She stood up and rubbed at her arms. The house was hushed though, that was for sure. She stumbled her way around the desk and made for the kitchen, reminding herself she hadn’t drunk the coffee Macy had brought her.
Macy. Bianca sighed and hoped she’d been clear that she didn’t want the woman to come back with a bag full of clothes and toiletries and plans to stay indefinitely. There was a knock at the door, and Bianca backtracked a few steps and peered suspiciously into the darkness.
‘Who is it?’ she asked.
‘It’s Rita.’
That was a relief. Bianca felt around for the door latch and unlocked it, pulling the door open and blinking in the sudden glare of a sunny morning.
‘There’s something wrong with that woman,’ Rita said, as though they’d been having a conversation already.
Bianca blinked. ‘What woman?’ she asked, although she suspected she knew.
‘Dunno her name,’ Rita said, stepping inside. ‘But she is not right in the head. Who is she anyway?’
Bianca sighed. ‘Want something to drink?’
‘Sure.’
Back to the kitchen, and Bianca heard Rita making herself comfortable. She flicked on the jug to boil some water.
‘She’s my agent,’ she said after a moment.
‘Your agent? What does she do?’
Bianca shrugged. ‘Organises opportunities, gallery showings and suchlike. Promotes my career.’
‘Well,’ Rita said, scraping a chair back from the table. ‘You need to find yourself a new agent. That one is incredibly rude and told me to buzz off like I was a fly. Informed me that you weren’t going to need Mum’s and my help anymore, because now you have her.’
Bianca shook her head. She’d have to make sure Macy heard her this evening when she came back around with dinner. She reached for the cannister of coffee grounds, missing Merren. Merren usually made the coffee, once she dragged herself out of bed all rumpled and adorable.
‘I brought you the papers,’ Rita said. ‘I thought you’d want to see them.’
Bianca turned, frowning. ‘What do you mean? What papers?’
‘Today’s newspaper. Okay, so it’s really only the one newspaper, but it’s online too.’
Coffee forgotten, Bianca turned to the table. Rita had her full attention now. ‘Is there something in the paper about last night?’ Her stomach churned at the thought. ‘Last night didn’t go so well.’
‘I don’t know about that,’ Rita said. ‘The article is awesome. Where’s Merren? She’ll want to see this too. Is she still upstairs? I’ll go get her.’
Bianca shook her head. ‘She’s not here.’
‘Oh.’
There was a rustle of newspaper. ‘There’s an awesome photo of the two of you on the front page.’
Bianca blanched in shock. ‘On the front page? Why on the front page?’
‘Cos you’re a good story, I guess. Want me to read it to you? Why’s Merren not here? I thought she would be, after last night?’
That made Bianca frown. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, this article, I guess. Here, I’ll just read it to you.’
Bianca slid onto a chair, her knees suddenly weak. What on earth did the paper say?
Rita read the article and with each sentence Bianca gre
w more and more confused, the shock making her hands shake.
‘Hey, are you all right?’
Bianca couldn’t speak. She didn’t know what to say.
‘I think it’s awesome,’ Rita said. ‘But I guess it’s a bit over the top if you weren’t expecting it.’ She rustled the paper again. ‘The picture is great – you and Merren standing together. You’re looking a bit nervous, but I don’t think anyone who doesn’t know you would notice that. And Merren is funny – she looks a little flustered. But you’re both really sexy together.’
‘Sexy,’ Bianca said unsteadily.
‘Sure. You make a great couple.’
Bianca groaned. ‘I can’t believe they called us that.’
‘Well of course they did,’ Rita said. ‘I mean, you are, right? And I think it’s great, what the paper says about it. I mean, ‘the greatest merger of art and tech this city has seen’ is pretty damned cool, don’t you think?’
Bianca didn’t know what to think. ‘I’ve been so stupid,’ she whispered.
There was a slight pause and for once, Bianca was glad she couldn’t see well, even with the lights on.
‘What do you mean?’ Rita asked. Her voice got suspicious. ‘What’s happened? Where’s Merren?’
Bianca shook her head, reminding herself that Rita was a twelve-year-old. Not someone to detail one’s relationship fuck-ups to.
‘I had no inkling Merren was so well-known,’ she said anyway. ‘I thought she was just an ordinary university student.’
‘Merren is awesome,’ Rita said with great emphasis. ‘There’s nothing ordinary about her. I want to be just like her when I grow up. You know what she said to me one day?’
Bianca didn’t even know Merren and Rita had ever spoken. What else hadn’t she paid attention to? The blood rushed suddenly between her ears. A great deal, apparently. When she spoke, her voice was scratchy.
‘What did she say?’ she asked Rita.
‘She told me not to dumb myself down,’ Rita replied proudly. ‘She said the world needed young women like me. She told me to be brazenly smart.’
Bianca smiled through sudden tears. ‘Oh Rita,’ she said. ‘She’s so right.’
‘Merren is fantastic. So, where is she? I was certain she’d be here this morning – after all, last night must have been a real triumph for both of you. You were real brave going along to the gala in the first place, Bianca. I’m glad they wrote all those great things about you in the newspaper. The whole city should be proud of you.’
‘We had an argument, and Merren went home,’ Bianca said tying her fingers into tight knots.
‘An argument? What sort of argument?’ There was hurt and confusion in Rita’s voice. Bianca realised that Merren had made an awfully big impression on the girl. And Bianca hadn’t even known they’d met.
She took a deep breath and tried planting a smile on her face. It didn’t sit there very well, she could feel it.
‘Ah, I was angry because she hadn’t told me a bunch of things about herself.’
‘What sort of things?’
Bianca shrugged. ‘Just things about herself. She let me think she was just an ordinary person.’
‘Oh. But Merren thinks she is just an ordinary person,’ Rita said. ‘When I went to hear her speak at the last council meeting –’
‘Wait, you went to hear her speak at a council meeting? Why didn’t I know she was even doing that?’
There was a long pause, and Bianca could feel Rita’s embarrassment, even across the table.
‘I dunno,’ Rita said at last. ‘I mean, I looked Merren up online as soon as I knew you were seeing her.’ A shorter pause, but just as embarrassed. ‘So I could be sure she was an okay person, you know, because I care about you. It was important you be with a decent person.’
Bianca didn’t know what to say. She’d thought of something else. ‘I’ve been so stupid,’ she said. ‘I’ve been so blind.’ She blinked, sighed. ‘And I mean blind as in stupid.’ She was talking to herself now. ‘I never followed up on anything Merren said. I just wandered along with my head up my own arse, assuming Merren was what I’d decided she was, and thinking only about myself. And Merren was so patient with me.’
‘You have had a lot to deal with,’ Rita said, her voice respectful. ‘I reckon Merren knows that. She’s never seemed stressed or anything. I think she just likes being with you.’ Rita laughed. ‘I mean, she’s totally in love with you.’
Bianca slapped a hand flat on the table as though to steady herself. ‘What do you mean, she’s in love with me?’
‘It’s kinda obvious, you know.’ Rita got up from the table and Bianca heard her pick up the coffee canister. ‘I think you might love her too.’
Bianca’s head spun. Did she? Was this what this feeling was? This sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach? At the thought of having misjudged Merren so badly. And the way she felt sick, like she’d come down with a fever? Was that love too, was she feeling that way because she loved Merren, and was in danger of losing her?
‘We’ve only known each other a short time,’ she croaked.
‘My mum said she fell in love with my dad the first time she saw him. They were at some lecture or something and he was sitting beside her taking notes. When he noticed what she was doing, he started writing notes to her instead. Or something like that. She read them over his shoulder and fell in love with him.’ There was the sound of Rita pouring hot water into something. ‘I don’t know much about falling in love, since I haven’t done it yet, but I think it’s what I see in Mum’s face every time she looks at Dad’s photo. And Merren has the same look when she talks about you.’
Bianca stuck her elbows on the table and rested her head in her hands.
‘I need to try calling her again,’ she said at last.
‘I need to apologise.’
Chapter Forty
Bianca came back in the room. ‘I can’t reach her,’ she said. ‘She’s not answering her phone.’
‘I’ll try her,’ Rita said. ‘See if she answers when it’s not your number.’ There was a wincing apology in her voice.
Bianca couldn’t stay still. She didn’t want to sit down, there was too much nervous energy coursing through her body for sitting still.
She’d been so stupid! So self-involved. Made so many assumptions. She couldn’t stop the horrified voice inside her head berating her. She didn’t even try. It was something she deserved to hear – and she wasn’t surprised Merren wasn’t answering her phone. There’d be no blame on Merren, Bianca thought, if she decided never to speak to Bianca again.
If only Macy hadn’t sent Merren away that morning.
‘It’s playing a message saying the number is out of its service area,’ Rita said.
‘What does that mean?’ Bianca didn’t have the slightest idea.
‘It means Merren’s phone is either turned off, or it’s somewhere there’s no service.’
‘Somewhere like where?’ Bianca was confused. ‘I thought there was service just about everywhere.’
‘There is,’ Rita said. ‘Pretty much. Did she say she was going anywhere?’
‘I don’t know!’ Bianca almost wailed it. ‘I don’t know anything – because I never listened to her.’
‘Okaaay,’ Rita said. ‘Keep your hair on. Merren doesn’t seem like someone who would just run off without a word. Even if things did go wrong.’
Bianca shook her head. ‘She didn’t. She came around early this morning trying to talk to me.’
‘See!’
‘But Macy sent her away. I was still asleep. I didn’t know she’d even come around until afterwards.’
Rita’s next words were surprisingly venomous. ‘I don’t like your agent. You should get a new one. There’s something wrong with her.’
Bianca shrugged. Macy was the least of her issues right now. ‘You’re probably right,’ she said. ‘But what are we going to do now?’ She didn’t know why she was even asking Rita. The girl wouldn’
t know. There wasn’t anything she could do except wait for Merren to turn up and hope that she would.
‘I’m looking up Merren’s Instagram,’ Rita said. ‘She might have posted on there if she was going somewhere.’ Bianca tipped her head to the side to peer at the girl.
‘What’s Instagram?’ she asked.
‘Something you should totally have,’ Rita replied. ‘It would be the perfect social media platform for you, since you’re an artist.’
‘I don’t like social media.’
Rita didn’t answer, and Bianca guessed she must be fiddling with her phone.
‘Merren tried to give me a new phone,’ she said. ‘And a watch that went with it, or something.’
‘What?’
She felt Rita’s sudden attention and shrugged. ‘She said I could take calls from the watch, send texts…’ She strained to remember what else. ‘Listen to music.’
‘Wow. Merren got you an Apple watch?’
‘I don’t know. I guess so. Are they very good?’
‘Very good? She wears one, Merren does. I’d love to play with one. Do you know how expensive they are? Like you’re talking a few thousand dollars, if you get a phone with it.’
Bianca cringed. ‘They cost that much?’
‘Heck yeah. But she was right – an Apple watch would be amazing for you. They’re real good for people with vision impairment. You don’t have to see it at all to be able to use it. What an amazing gift.’
That made Bianca sigh. She couldn’t even think why she’d turned down the gift now. It would certainly be useful right about now. She couldn’t text Merren with her archaic old landline. It just didn’t do that.
‘Well. I know why we can’t get hold of Merren,’ Rita said, and there was gleeful triumph in her voice. ‘Like I thought, she’s posted on Instagram.’
Bianca’s stomach felt like the bottom had fallen out of it. Merren was posting on social media? She couldn’t be that upset about anything then.
Bianca didn’t realise she’d said the last out loud until Rita answered it.
‘No, you don’t understand,’ the twelve-year-old said. ‘Merren’s Instagram is a business account.’