GOAT IN THE MEZE
Book 1 in the Greek Meze Series
KATERINA NIKOLAS
GOAT in THE MEZE
Copyright © 2017 Katerina Nikolas
All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
Cover based on an original sketch by Roy Brittan
Interior Formatting by The Book Khaleesi
To my good friend, Brenda Brittan, who had the inspirational idea of turning the old Mercedes car into a taxi, and for first edits.
Other Books in the Greek Meze Series
Book 2: Rampaging Roosters
Book 3: Olive Virgins
Book 4: Goatly Goings On
Contents
Other Books in the Greek Meze Series
Chapter 1
Quentin and Deirdre Fancy McDonalds
Chapter 2
Adonis to the Rescue
Chapter 3
A Blood Soaked Bundle
Chapter 4
A Warm Welcome in Astakos
Chapter 5
Tripe in the Air
Chapter 6
Mail Order Masha and That Old Fool Vasilis
Chapter 7
Takis Gets Chatty
Chapter 8
What’s in a Name?
Chapter 9
The Octopus Blockage
Chapter 10
Unrequited Love in the Moonlight
Chapter 11
Unlucky in Love
Chapter 12
Not a Ghost
Chapter 13
Coffee with Adonis
Chapter 14
Stavroula Stirs Snails
Chapter 15
The Deadly Consequence of Wanting a Divorce
Chapter 16
Let Dead and Fake Dead Husbands Lie
Chapter 17
Beauty Parlour Time
Chapter 18
Disappearing ‘Frillies’
Chapter 19
Hideous Old Lady Dresses
Chapter 20
Slick Socrates Insults Stavroula
Chapter 21
The Papas Plays Footsie
Chapter 22
How Tasos Lost his Teeth
Chapter 23
Goat on the Menu
Chapter 24
Of Course Goat is a Vegetable
Chapter 25
Socrates is Sent Out Snooping
Chapter 26
A Festive Mood in the Taverna
Chapter 27
The Pappas’ Fishing Curse
Chapter 28
The Outside Bathroom
Chapter 29
Olives Aren’t Eatable from the Tree
Chapter 30
Bartering the Doctor’s Bill
Chapter 31
The Lemoni Spiti
Chapter 32
Stomach Stapling or Death
Chapter 33
A Wedding Proposal
Chapter 34
Stavroula Cooks McDonalds
Chapter 35
Late Evening Gossip
Chapter 36
A Morning Jog
Chapter 37
Mobile Refrigerated Fish Van Ahoy
Chapter 38
All Hands to the Rope
Chapter 39
A Rush on Old Lady Dresses
Chapter 40
A Man with a Kind Heart
Chapter 41
Bald Yannis’ Excruciatingly Painful Back Wax
Chapter 42
Merriment in the Taverna
Chapter 43
The Interrogation
Chapter 44
Deirdre Catches a Fish in Her Hat
Chapter 45
Mail Order Masha’s Surprise Party
Chapter 46
A Return to the Lemoni Spiti
Chapter 47
A Passionate Fling
Chapter 48
A Waster in a Dress
Chapter 49
Fish with a Lemon Dress
Chapter 50
An Unseasonable Heat Wave
Chapter 51
Goat in the Sunroof
Chapter 52
Secret Addictions
Chapter 53
Laughing Too Loudly
Chapter 54
Gorgeous Yiorgos Makes a Grisly Discovery
Chapter 55
A New Look For Toothless Tasos
Chapter 56
The Funeral
Chapter 57
The Heiress
Chapter 58
Bald Yannis’ New Hair
Chapter 59
A Quiet Evening in the Wake of the Wake
Chapter 60
A Confession
Chapter 61
Presumed Dead
Chapter 62
Don’t Trust the Collection Plate Condoms
Chapter 63
A Bigly House Decision
Chapter 64
A Sticky Afternoon
Chapter 65
Good for Business
Chapter 66
Goat Loving Malakas
Chapter 67
The Fake Dating Scam
Chapter 68
A Wedding Ban
Chapter 69
Eating the Evidence
Chapter 70
A Near Fatal Attack
Chapter 71
A Reward is Offered
Chapter 72
Pre-Wedding Nerves
Chapter 73
The Wedding
Chapter 74
The DNA Sample
Chapter 75
Shirley Valentine
Chapter 76
A Honeymoon Let Down
Chapter 77
The Curse of the Pappas’ Fishing Curse
Chapter 78
The Pappas’ Fake Religious Renaissance
Chapter 79
An Impending Visitor
Chapter 80
Bleeding Borscht
Chapter 81
Bald Yannis Flogs Some Patriotic Shower Curtains
Chapter 82
Nitsa Arrives
Chapter 83
Underwear Everywhere
Chapter 84
Secrets Shared
Chapter 85
Lunch in the Car
Chapter 86
Havoc in the Hardware Shop
Chapter 87
Policemen Return from Nowhere
Chapter 88
Goats in the Inheritance
Chapter 89
Picking Weeds
Chapter 90
The Missing Cat
Chapter 91
Vinegar in the Taverna
Chapter 92
The Beautiful New Pet Goat
Chapter 93
Tourist Tat
Chapter 94
Useless Million
Chapter 95
The House Clearance Sale
Chapter 96
The Cookery Lesson<
br />
Chapter 97
Quentin and Deirdre Have Lunch at Fotini’s House
Chapter 98
Washing Line Patrol Duty
Chapter 99
Toothless Tasos and Thea Enjoy a Day Out
Chapter 100
Diet Sabotage
Chapter 101
The Pappas Walks the Goat
Chapter 102
Cat for Ransom
Chapter 103
Taxi to the Hospital
Chapter 104
Liberated Women
Chapter 105
Fire!
Chapter 106
Ruled Out of the Enquiry
Chapter 107
Hospital Visiting
Chapter 108
Old Lady Makeovers
Chapter 109
Fond Feelings
Chapter 110
Eyeing Up
Chapter 111
Hells Gates and Goat Ramblings
Chapter 112
Locked in the Hardware Shop
Chapter 113
Bald Yannis is Dragged out of Bed
Chapter 114
Debt Collectors at the Door
Chapter 115
His Darling Agapimeni
Chapter 116
Squashed Gossip
Chapter 117
Is Not What Yous Think
Chapter 118
Shop Wars Brewing
Chapter 119
Vasilis has a Rival
Chapter 120
Invitations
Chapter 121
Time to Party
Chapter 122
Goat in the Meze
Chapter 123
Quentin and Deirdre Fancy Greek Food
A Taste of Rampaging Roosters: Book 2 in the Greek Meze Series
Chapter 1
Quentin and Deirdre Fancy McDonalds
Quentin and Deirdre McCain were definitely in the mood for McDonalds. The early retired American couple had treated themselves for their fortieth wedding anniversary to the economy version of the great European tour. They had done London, Barcelona and Venice in a whirlwind, had their photo taken with a Beefeater and resisted the temptation to go ‘full on’ Parisian and eat snails in Paris. Poor Quentin had his wallet lifted by a grubby urchin in the Louvre, but luckily all their important papers and credit cards had been stuffed inside Deirdre’s ample bra.
Now the couple were enjoying a leisurely drive through the Greek countryside, determined to be photographed with every ruin they passed for posterity. The charm of Greece was slowly seducing them. With nothing pressing to rush back for they were considering extending their stay on the Greek mainland and even perhaps sampling a bit of island hopping.
Oiled out with copious amounts of Greek salad and feta cheese Deirdre was in the mood for a taste of home. “I could murder a McDonalds,” she said. “Maybe we’ll come across one on this road. Take a left Quentin,” she instructed, having taken a wild guess.
The road Quentin took climbed uphill, then uphill some more. It was some time before they realised they were negotiating hazardous hairpin mountain bends. Deirdre was too busy rummaging round in her bra for the last packet of posh Altoids mints to notice. Quentin was stunned by the majestic scenery as the sun set over the sea in the distance.
“We must be nearing the top soon,” said Deirdre. “There just has to be a McDonalds at the top. I read about it in the guide book.”
“They don’t seem to be too big on McDonalds round here,” said Quentin. As they neared the top of the mountain a petrol station loomed in the half light and Quentin pulled in. Clutching the guidebook he headed inside, hoping to get directions which would satisfy Deirdre’s craving for a big Mac.
Quentin felt a bit stupid when the burly Greek mechanic guffawed loudly and proclaimed “No McDonalds, McTakis. McTakis. Mia ora,” helpfully holding up one finger, before adding in broken English “one hour.”
He pointed into the distance, indicating they should continue on in the same direction along the now dark mountain road.
Driving off into unchartered territory, Deirdre looked up McTakis in the guide book and discovered the menu bore no relation to McDonalds. What she had thought were onion rings turned out to be circles of fried squid. As hunger pangs set in and their stomachs started to growl they hoped they would at least find a nice friendly taverna offering Greek salad.
Half an hour later their car broke down on the dark mountain side and their great Greek adventure began.
Chapter 2
Adonis to the Rescue
Deirdre sucked the life out of the last Altoid as she watched Quentin furtively emerge from behind an olive tree, zipping his flies up.
“It’s all right for you,” she complained “but there’s no way I’m going behind an olive tree in the dark with all those goats watching. I could really kill a McTakis now. How long have we been stuck here Quentin?
“Two hours. I wonder if that little bump we had on the road had something to do with the car breaking down,” he replied. “Someone will have to come along sooner or later. I just hope anyone that stops can speak English.”
Right on cue a shiny pick-up truck soared by, then slammed its brakes on and reversed. A Greek Adonis, the very cliché of handsome, wound his window down and said in very heavily accented English “Friends, are yous ‘aving the car troubles? Is not a goodly night to be broken down an’ out I think, we ‘ave the wet rain soon.”
As he spoke the heavens opened and torrential rain drenched the hapless Quentin who asked “Is there any chance of finding a car mechanic in these parts? We passed a garage two hours ago.”
“No, no,” the Greek man said, nodding his head vigorously and clucking his tongue. Is late now my friends, all klisto, ‘ow yous say closed. Better I take yous to my village for the night and tomorrow we find my cousin Adonis the mechanic. Come, I take yous now to my village. Yous a safe with my, my name Adonis, everyone know me and love me. I ‘ave hotel but it is closed till tourist season. My cousin Yiota she ‘ave a rooms over ‘er taverna, I take yous there.”
The couple exchanged wary looks but couldn’t see another option other than sleeping in their broken down car on the dark mountain.
Deirdre’s bladder made the decision for them and the two of them piled into the front seat of the pick-up driven by the handsome smiling Greek and prepared to be whisked away to his village. As they settled into the vehicle Adonis asked if they were English or German.
“Ah Americanos,” he exclaimed delightedly, shaking their hands enthusiastically. “My cousin Adonis he go to Big Apple and open ‘Souvlaki Palace.’ Is very goodly, yous know it, yes?”
As the couple introduced themselves, Adonis struggled to pronounce their odd names. Quentin became K-Went-In and Deirdre became Did-Rees. Little did they envisage these botched variants of their names would end up sticking.
Chapter 3
A Blood Soaked Bundle
As Adonis sped along at great speed Deirdre clutched her throat in terror at the reckless way he was taking the alarming hairpin bends. She was squashed between the two men and Adonis put a hand on her thigh with a reassuring squeeze and told her he was the best driver for kilometres and not to worry. His other hand was holding a coffee and a cigarette.
The smoke from his cigarette failed to disguise the pungent smell permeating the van, which appeared to come from a bloodstained blanketed bundle thrown on the back seat.
As the Americans began to fear they were in the clutches of a deranged serial killer Adonis explained he’d had the good fortune to run into a bit of ‘road kill’ just lying unclaimed in the road. The blanket was wrapped around a dead goat to avoid getting blood and gore all over the upholstery.
Adonis voiced his incredulity that some utter fool had obviously engaged in a bit of goat hit and run and not stayed behind to collect his prize. “Maybe if you still in the village tomorrow evening we all a eat goat together,” Adonis invited. “My cousin Yiota do gre
at things with dead goat to make, ‘ow you say, tasty.”
“Lovely,” Quentin managed to say, while hoping with every fibre of his being that the earlier bump they had encountered hadn’t been the goat in its live form. He would hate to be an accidental goat murderer. His wish was that tomorrow the car would be repaired in a timely fashion and they would be well away from this chain smoking, wife groping, mad goat eater.
Deirdre hoped she could find a last Altoid to quell the nausea arising from the hurtling speed, the smoke and the overpowering smell of dead goat. The road turned into a steep descent and she was far too frightened to be discreet as she rummaged around in her sizeable bra hoping to find a stray mint. Noticing her fear Adonis offered Deirdre a cigarette and a swig from his hip flask of ouzo. She declined the cigarette politely but was grateful for the numbing sensation the clear fiery liquid induced.
After several more minutes lights appeared in the distance and Adonis announced they had arrived in his village. The van failed to slow as Adonis negotiated the narrow street, lined with stone houses. He eased off the accelerator enough to shout greetings to a number of men seated outside the harbour side kafenion and then pulled into a side street fragrant with salty sea air, jasmine and citrus.
Quentin was most pleasantly surprised at how totally delightful the village appeared in moonlight. Even Deirdre managed to raise a smile as she realised she was about to put two feet on firm ground and leave the dead goat behind.
Chapter 4
A Warm Welcome in Astakos
As Quentin and Deirdre drank in the fragrant fresh air outside the taverna their rescuer was busy gesticulating and gabbling in indecipherable Greek with an imposing middle aged woman. Suddenly Deirdre felt herself enveloped in a bear like hug from the woman whom Adonis introduced as his cousin Yiota. “I must a leave now,” Adonis exclaimed, pushing the blanket wrapped goat into the hands of his cousin, “but will return in the morning to take you to my cousin Adonis the mechanic.”
Yiota showed the Americans to a pleasant room above the taverna, gesticulating to the bathroom to indicate they should wash and then come downstairs to eat. Glass doors opened onto a small balcony where they could see the sea gleaming in the moonlight. The rain had stopped which cheered them no end and they were relieved not to be stranded on the mountain overnight.
They had planned to drive across the Greek mainland and take in the cultural sights of a large town with five star amenities, but decided to make the best of their overnight unscheduled stay in this charming backwater fishing village of Astakos, named for a lobster.
Goat In The Meze: A farcical look at Greek life (The Greek Meze Series Book 1) Page 1