Goat In The Meze: A farcical look at Greek life (The Greek Meze Series Book 1)

by Katerina Nikolas

  The other men headed off to the tavena chuckling over Moronic Mitsos’ gullibility. Moronic Mitsos had a fit of pique and had to be warned yet again if he insisted on putting on his former policeman’s hat and fining people for driving through the village too fast when it was no longer any of his business, Pancratius the village policeman would be called out from his sick bed and forced to arrest him.

  Meanwhile Bald Yannis took a shortcut home through Stavroula’s back garden where he helped himself to a pair of voluminous lace knickers from her washing line.

  Chapter 68

  A Wedding Ban

  After Adonis dropped the Pappas’s now dead pet goat Krasi off at the taverna for Yiota to cook he called in at the church where he found the Pappas polishing his briefcase cutlery collection and muttering about the exorbitant price of Holy wine. Adonis scowled at his cousin’s husband and told him Petula was most upset as the goat had wandered off and was apparently lost, and he Adonis, expected no repercussions to land on his cousin. The Pappas feigned innocence, pretending Adonis’ subtle allusions to his wife beating tendencies went over his head.

  Surmising Petula would be busy looking for the lost goat, the Pappas voiced his thoughts she may not have bothered to have a hot meal waiting for him on the table and perhaps he should dine at the taverna ‘Mono Ellinka Trofima.’

  Desperate to keep the Pappas away from any sight or smell of the goat his cousin Yiota would soon be serving, Adonis persuaded the Pappas to allow him to drive him home, promising to stop en route and buy him a large bottle of Holy wine and a bag of savoury sausage pies and some sweet bougatsas from the bakery. Adonis would also be on hand to ensure Petula did not accidentally walk into the Pappas’ fist.

  The Pappas found Adonis’ presence in his home menacing enough to keep his fists off Petula. Once Adonis took his leave the Pappas satisfied himself by banning Petula from attending the wedding of Fat Christos and Tassia as a fitting punishment for her carelessness in allowing his darling pet goat to wander off. Petula was relieved not to feel his fists, but was most upset she had been summarily banned from the wedding celebrations.

  After that old fool Vasilis had waved a tearful goodbye to his mail order bride by sending her on her way to the plastic surgery clinic in Athens in a taxi, he was about to climb onto the donkey and make his way to Stavroula’s taverna when he had an unexpected visitor. He was desperate to be in the presence of his possible daughter and forge a special relationship with her to make up for all the years he had not known she was the fruit of his loins.

  Vasilis’ unexpected visitor was Bald Yannis who’d decided he wanted his toupee back after all, never knowing when it would come in handy. He had paid good money for his terrible toupee and hated to lose anything of value. Vasilis agreed to hand over the toupee if Bald Yannis agreed to say no more of the matter of mail order Masha stealing it. Finally rid of Bald Yannis, Vasilis climbed on the donkey and headed to Stavroulas.

  “Stavroula my dear, how lovely you look this evening,” he greeted her, adding “and as fragrant as these,” presenting her with a bunch of wild flowers he had picked en route.

  Stavroula’s hackles naturally began to rise at the sight of that old fool Vasilis acting so nice. She had already discussed with slick Socrates any possible legal ramifications of inadvertently puncturing and deflating mail order Masha’s silicone boob with the salon scissors, but was also suspicious of why mail order Masha stole her hair. Slick Socrates had warned Stavroula she may end up stuck with a large bill to repair mail order Masha’s now botched silicone boob job, so Stavroula decided to keep her temper in check and keep on the right side of the mail order bride’s foolish husband.

  Vasilis brushed off Stavroula’s fake concerns about the boob deflation and assured her Masha had been placated with his offer to pay for her to have her bottom extended. Stavroula could not resist asking why Masha had run off with her hair and Vasilis made the excuse Masha was so taken with the colour she had wanted a few strands to colour match the new dye for her hair extensions.

  Stavroula beckoned Mrs Kolokotronis to join her in the kitchen where the pair muttered and mumbled Vasilis’ behaviour was not normal. Sticking their heads out of the kitchen door they witnessed Vasilis gazing their way with a ridiculous smile on his face. They decided he may not yet have fully recovered from his hideous ordeal of waking up alive in the underground coffin.

  Chapter 69

  Eating the Evidence

  Slick Socrates, the slimy lawyer and Stavroula’s live in lover, was enjoying a rare evening away from his beloved in the rival taverna of ‘Mono Ellinka Trofima.’ Word had reached him the Pappas’ pet goat Krasi was on the night’s menu and he was now tucking into a plateful of goat with relish. Socrates did not share Stavroula’s reverence for the Pappas as he considered him a drunken buffoon who was mean to his wife. He thought it quite ridiculous the Pappas kept a goat as a pet and thus had no qualms about eating it.

  Fat Christos refused the goat as he was still sticking rigidly to his strict weight loss diet. The results were remarkable as he had already shed the twenty kilos needed to proceed with the stomach stapling surgery. He just needed to get his hands on Tassia’s brown envelope after the wedding ceremony to bribe the surgeon. No word of his pending operation had seeped out as true to his plans everyone thought he was losing the weight in anticipation of looking dapper at his wedding.

  Quentin and Deirdre had some exciting news to share, telling the villagers Adonis had finally persuaded them to go ahead with the purchase of the ruined ‘Lemoni Spiti’ and they had paid him a deposit.

  “I is glad you will be neighbours to my old mother, K-Went-In and Did-Rees,” Prosperous Pedros told them, sending them wine.

  “Such a charming old lady,” Quentin said, having heard nothing of Fotini’s behaviour when she locked herself in the kitchen.

  “Has she been a widow long?” Deirdre asked.

  “Yes, for more than ten years, but dont’s tell her,” Prosperous Pedros replied. “My mother believe my father is on a trip to Athens an’ she would go mad with grief if she knew he was actually dead.”

  “What, she thinks he has been on a trip to Athens for ten years when he is really dead?” Quentin asked in amazement.

  “Is true K-Went-In,” Prosperous Pedros assured him “the truth would kill her with grief.”

  “But does she not ask why he never returns?” Deirdre queried, to which Pedros explained “She get confused about dates. Some days she think he only go this morning, other days she more lucid and curses him for staying away.”

  Deirdre was amazed the populations of two villages must be in on the lie that the husband of Fotini was away rather than dead, not realising the despised Fotini rarely left her house so was kept out of the gossip loop. She hoped their new elderly neighbour would not be problematic, erroneously presuming the old lady was merely a harmless eccentric.

  Quentin and Deirdre shared the renovation plans they had for the ‘Lemoni Spiti’ and were reassured by the taverna regulars the borrowed builder Achilles was a master craftsman in great demand.

  “He did marvellous things to the new chicken coop Stavroula just had built in the garden,” Socrates said. “In my opinion it is far too good for the chickens.”

  Adonis made his entrance; reassuring all the goat eaters the Pappas was blissfully unaware they were all dining on his pet as he took a plateful of the tasty meat. Gossip focused on Bald Yannis’ ridiculous new hair transplant but steered away from Stavroula’s attack on mail order Masha as Socrates was present.

  Everyone was enjoying the goat and taverna talk had just turned to the wedding when Mrs Kolokotronis burst through the door in hysterics.

  “Socrates, come at once and call Pancratius the village policeman,” Mrs Kolokotronis screamed “the underwear thief has attacked Stavroula and she’s nearly dead.”

  Plates of goat were abandoned and chairs thrown to the wayside as all the taverna goers rushed to Stavroulas in hot pursuit of Soc
rates to find out what on earth was going on.

  Chapter 70

  A Near Fatal Attack

  Stavroula and Mrs Kolokotronis had been hovering in the kitchen doorway observing that old fool Vasilis’ abnormally nice behaviour when Stavroula heard something untoward outside in her garden.

  Venturing outdoors Stavroula was quick to observe a shadowy figure removing a vast pair of her bloomers from the washing line, under the cover of darkness.

  “Stop underwear thief,” she screamed, making a grab at the shadowy figure. The thief, determined not to have his identity revealed, threw the huge knickers over Stavroula’s head to obscure her vision and tried to make a quick getaway. Stavroula though held fast to his person and the pair grappled ferociously.

  The underwear thief was desperate to get away before the alarm was raised and resorted to violence, clasping his hands around Stavroula’s neck and squeezing tightly. As the life was slowly squeezed from Stavroula her hand caught hold of the soup ladle she used to scoop up chicken food and she used it in self-defence to hit the underwear thief soundly over the head. As his hands momentarily lost their firm grip around Stavroula’s neck she emitted a shrill screech which alerted Toothless Tasos, who was just at that moment walking past her garden.

  As the underwear thief heard the wary approach of Toothless Tasos he threw Stavroula to the floor and deftly tripped up Tasos who landed in an ungainly heap on top of Stavroula. The thief fled into the night at great speed leaving Stavroula gasping for breath and painfully bruised.

  “Taso you save my life,” Stavroula sobbed, pulling the knickers off her head. “That pervert thief malaka was so strong I thought for sure he would kill me.”

  All thoughts of murdering her former husband left her as she now owed him an eternal debt of gratitude for saving her from death by strangulation.

  Vasilis was mortified his possible daughter had been in such danger and immediately jumped on his donkey to seek assistance from Vangelis the chemist and the local doctor. Mrs Kolokotronis dashed off to get Socrates, and Toothless Tasos carried Stavroula into the taverna and poured her a large glass of brandy for the shock.

  In other circumstances Stavroula would have been delighted to see so many people gathered all at once in her taverna. Everyone had descended in outrage, horrified such violence had occurred in the village. Socrates arrived and took his beloved into his arms, appalled at the sight of the unsightly bruises that signified her almost demise. Pancratius the village policeman had hot footed it from his sick bed and was busy taking her statement.

  Stavroula was furious she could not provide a description of her attacker beyond saying he was a shadowy figure with very strong hands. “He ‘ad my knickers over my ‘ead,” she lamented. Toothless Tasos had been more concerned with rescuing Stavroula than in getting a close look at the attacker and was of no use at all in the description department. Vangelis the chemist prescribed cold compresses for Stavroula’s bruised neck and Vasilis hovered close by, attempting to squeeze her hand in compassion.

  Everyone agreed the underwear thief had been tolerated for far too long in their midst, leading to this near fatality. It would be terrible for the tourist trade if word got out there was a deranged strangler in the village. Something must be done to reveal his identity and ensure he was locked up.

  Scurrilous accusations were made as the villagers suggested names of the possible culprit, each randomly accusing anyone they held a grudge against. The Pappas’ name came up several times but Adonis reluctantly conceded the Pappas was at home with Petula eating spinach pies when the attack occurred.

  Pancratius the village policeman drew up a long list of names of possible suspects, striking a line through the names of those who had been in either taverna at the time of the attack as they had concrete alibis. Quentin and Deirdre were very happy to realise they were not prime suspects, nor were their new friends Takis, Yiota, Prosperous Pedros, Tall Thomas, Fat Christos, Adonis and Socrates. It still left an awful lot of suspects to be investigated and the policeman had no way of knowing if the underwear thief was even a local pervert or from further afield.

  Moronic Mitsos berated Pancratius the village policeman for failing to launch a serious investigation into the theft of the underwear. He concluded this failure had emboldened the thief to the point of almost deadly violence and announced from now on he would be on the case whether Pancratius wanted his help or not. He organised a village meeting for the following day as he planned to initiate a village patrol whereby each of the men would take turns to guard the washing lines.

  Toothless Tasos was proud to be hailed as the hero of the hour; having no idea by coming to Stavroula’s rescue he had eliminated himself from her murderous thoughts. Stavroula squeezed his hand in gratitude as she had honestly believed she was about to be a goner in the garden, so close to the new chicken coop she had planned to dispose of the body of Toothless Tasos in.

  Chapter 71

  A Reward is Offered

  The next morning Bald Yannis surveyed the enormous red lump on his still almost bald head with dismay. Stavroula’s aim with the chicken scoop ladle had landed him with an egg-like protrusion that may well give away his identity as last night’s attacker. He realised the fun he’d had stealing underwear had left him in a very dire predicament if his identity as Stavroula’s attacker ever came to light. He had never intended to hurt her but she had clung onto him like a limpet and he could not afford for her to discover his identity. His reputation would be ruined and he could well end up in prison.

  Luckily he had retrieved the terrible toupee from Vasilis and was soon at work with a new tube of superglue, securing the ill-fitting wig to his head to conceal the egg-like protrusion. He decided with regret his underwear stealing days were over. He considered this a great pity as his secret hobby had afforded him hours of amusement. He supposed he had better dispose of the remaining evidence as his bedroom drawers were overflowing with frilly items which would be his downfall should they ever be discovered.

  Satisfied the lump was covered by the ill-fitting toupee Bald Yannis headed to the hardware shop where he spouted his utter disgust at the unprovoked near fatal attack on Stavroula to anyone who would listen. His hardware shop was bustling with a transfixed audience as everyone had turned out to take a look at his terrible toupee. Bald Yannis soon realised the terrible toupee was good for business and he put his vanity aside as it served its true purpose in covering up his egg-like protrusion.

  He was at the side of Moronic Mitsos when the former chief of police rallied the village men into signing up for the newly established washing line patrol. “This pervert must be caught,” Bald Yannis thundered as he finally pretended to show some civic duty. A rota was drawn up by Moronic Mitsos and the village men were duly assigned their nightly spots on the washing line patrol duty.

  Quentin was proud to be included on the rota and Deirdre promised him she would be by his side on his allotted night. Bald Yannis deflected suspicion from himself by offering a reward to the person who caught the underwear thief. “Is that a cash reward?” Toothless Tasos asked, only to be disappointed when Bald Yannis confirmed the reward would be paid in hideous old lady dresses.

  Pancratius the village policeman had managed to remain up from his sick bed long enough to solicit statements about last night’s shocking incident, though no one had anything concrete to report. The only sure facts established were the underwear thief turned strangling attacker was a shadowy male with strong hands who may be suffering a headache after Stavroula managed to clock him hard with the chicken scoop ladle.

  News of Toothless Tasos’ heroic moment had reached the ears of Thea who was most impressed with his bravery. Of course by the time she heard the story it had been exaggerated beyond all reality and Toothless Tasos had allegedly fought off a ten foot man with the strength of two hundred. His heroic act cast Stavroula in the unlikely role of the helpless damsel in distress and boosted his low confidence no end.

  Whilst
Thea rummaged through her pile of shopping channel tat looking for something to wear for the wedding the next day, she began to give serious consideration to taking Toothless Tasos as a husband. He was now higher on her list of potential suitors than Gorgeous Yiorgos who had stood her up the previous evening, claiming exhaustion after his driving excursion with Petula.

  Thea decided she would impress Toothless Tasos with her culinary skills and set about baking some homemade baklava to take along to their soap opera watching rendezvous.

  Slick Socrates was reluctant to leave the side of his beloved Stavroula. Instead of being laid up in bed taking care of her bruises she had returned to the taverna where she was enjoying being the centre of attention. That old fool Vasilis assured Socrates his woman would be safe with him and he would not leave her side. Slick Socrates had a queue of clients outside his lawyer practice so he left Stavroula to the pampering ministrations of Vasilis.

  Toothless Tasos was first in the queue for lawyerly advice as he had a delicate subject to broach with Socrates. He wanted to know if there was any way he could legally disentangle himself from his marriage to Stavroula as he was thinking of getting married again.

  “Well you’re supposed to be dead and dead men can’t wed,” Socrates advised. “If you come clean you faked your death it could lead to terrible trouble for Stavroula as she married Kostas bigamously. I want you divorced so I can marry Stavroula, but we have to find a cunning way to proceed without drawing attention. Let me think on it.”