Goat In The Meze: A farcical look at Greek life (The Greek Meze Series Book 1)

by Katerina Nikolas

  “Taso, I need to know your intentions,” she said “it is not good for my name to be gadding about with yous and being seen in your ‘ouse if yous don’t plan to make an honest woman of me.”

  “Surely you knows ‘ow much I loves you, I loves yous for years but never catch yous between ‘usbands before to tells yous,” Toothless Tassos declared, suddenly emboldened by ouzo to declare his true feelings and overcome his usual tongue-tied state.

  Thea was amazed by his declaration as she’d truly had no idea of the depths of his feelings. She was flattered and immensely pleased she appeared to have ensnared him. However her bubble was soon burst when Toothless Tasos went on to say “but surely you knows my situation with Stavroula stops me making an honest woman of yous.”

  “What, yous means yous ‘ave not extricated yourself yet from the situation with Stavroula? I thought yous got out of that marriage long ago,” Thea proclaimed, seeing her expectations of an imminent fourth wedding slipping away.

  “It is bigly complicated,” Toothless Tasos explained “we could continue courting while Slick Socrates looks into a lawyerly solution. He wants to marry Stavroula and I wants marry you Thea.”

  Thea was devastated to realise the situation was far more complicated than had ever occurred to her. She now had Toothless Tasos eating out of her hand and declaring his undying love, but it wasn’t enough to bag her a much needed wedding.

  “Maybe yous buy me a bigly engagement ring as sign of your intentions,” Thea suggested, considering an engagement was the next best thing to marriage and an engaged man would feel some financial responsibility towards his intended.

  “We engage then, my beloved most beautiful Thea,” Toothless Tasos exclaimed, amazed at the turn the afternoons events had taken.

  “Not till I get a bigly diamond ring on my finger,” Thea reminded him, waving her hand in the air. She planned on dragging him into the jewellery store on their immediate return to the village.

  Chapter 100

  Diet Sabotage

  Fat Christos convinced his new wife Tassia the sensible thing to do with their newly found money was to deposit it in the bank. He had no truck with the peasant habit of hiding bags of money all over the place, considering it could be an invitation to thieves. In his efforts to improve himself Fat Christos had taken remarkable steps in a very short time. He had exchanged a life of fishing for one as a supermarket owner and the single life living with his mother to being a married man with a pregnant wife.

  The most remarkable change was of course to his obese physique. The combination of dieting and the stomach stapling operation had left him almost half the size he was before. He was tempted to splash out on a wardrobe of business suits and flashy ties, but decided it would be prudent to wait until he had his excess skin removed in another expensive operation.

  He had started to study a business course, determined to turn his newly inherited shop into a successful supermarket, envisaging it as just the first step in his imagined retail empire. Tassia was most supportive of all his plans and had volunteered to hand over the necessary brown envelope when the doctor decreed the time was right to cut off the excess skin.

  Mrs Kolokotronis was finding it hard to come to terms with all the changes she was witnessing in her son. She was proud of his efforts to improve himself, but worried she would lose her influence over him now he was on his way to becoming a thin man. She could not really account why she felt it necessary to sabotage Fat Christos’ diet plans, as her intentions were really not malicious. It was rather the only way she imagined of exerting some remaining control over him. She turned up at the shop where Fat Christos was busy supervising Achilles the borrowed builder as he knocked up some nifty new shelving and built a new cheese counter.

  Mrs Kolokotronis arrived bearing a bottle containing a liquidised meal. Fat Christos had described his new strict dietary requirements to her, explaining the need for small portions of liquidised lean proteins. Mrs Kolokotronis had ignored these needs as she threw pork souvlaki, fried kalamari and a bar of shop bought chocolate into her blender.

  She was pleased to see Fat Christos drink it up with more enthusiasm than he had shown for Tassia’s lean and healthy, doctor recommended, liquidised meals. He complimented his mother on the very tasty liquidised meal and agreed it would reduce Tassia’s burden if his mother liquidised his evening meals as well.

  Relations between Tassia and Mrs Kolokotronis were nicely back on track since the latter had decided to keep her own counsel on the subject of the baby’s paternity. Mrs Kolokotronis offered to supervise Achilles the borrowed builder if Christos would like to do some business course studying and if Tassia would like to pop home for a rest and put her feet up.

  The newlyweds happily accepted her offer and Mrs Kolokotronis settled down behind the cash register and whipped out her knitting. She was determined to complete a wardrobe full of knitted baby clothes before the baby was born as she was looking forward to becoming a grandmother and having a baby to fuss over.

  Achilles the borrowed builder was mightily impressed with Mrs Kolokotronis’ exceptional skill with the knitting needles and asked her if she had time to knit him a warm hat for when he worked outdoors.

  Toothless Tasos stopped by for some air freshener as Tassia was complaining about the lingering smell of the stuffed swordfish noses she had sold to Petros the postman. Seeing his holey pullover caused Mrs Kolokotronis to “po po” at his disgraceful appearance and she asked if he would be interested in buying a new pullover if she knitted one. As he did not imagine knitting was quite Thea’s thing Toothless Tasos readily agreed to commit to purchasing a newly knitted pullover.

  Prosperous Pedros came in to buy some choice morsels of chicken to use as fish bait and was most impressed at Mrs Kolokotronis’ exceptional skill with her knitting needles. He asked her if she would be interested in teaching him to knit as he could not face the prospect of going into a strange shop when he needed to replace his pullovers. Instead of agreeing to teach him to knit Mrs Kolokotronis offered to knit him a pullover if he would be willing to buy it. As he agreed Mrs Kolokotronis realised she had the seeds of her own business plan and decided to start her own clothing line of knitted pullovers, hats and scarves. She would persuade her son to sell them in the supermarket and if it proved successful she could expand into socks, gloves and dresses.

  She was full of her new plans when Fat Christos returned to relieve her of her duties supervising the borrowed builder. She had quite a spring in her step as she headed home and gathered up all the ingredients for Fat Christos’ liquidised dinner. She threw in a fatty sausage, some doughnuts from the bakery and a large portion of chocolate ice cream, whipping them all together into a revolting liquid pulp.

  Chapter 101

  The Pappas Walks the Goat

  Petula was naturally still rather suspicious of her husband’s new and improved mood, having lived under the shadow of his bad temper for far too long. She had heard all about his thundering delivery of Biblical verses in the village, but he had never been one to bring his work home with him. Fortunately she was spared his hypocritical moralistic preaching within the four walls of their house.

  The Pappas had ceased raising his voice in anger towards her as it caused his new pet goat Nero to react very antagonistically towards him. He had already suffered some agonisingly sharp nips. The Pappas found his new goat to be rather formidable and was wary of provoking her, though he greatly admired her beauty, considering her a most handsome creature. Nero was excessively taken with Petula, serving as her guard dog and following her round everywhere like a devoted sheep.

  In order to try and inveigle his way into Nero’s good graces the Pappas had taken to bringing home little treats for her. He could not resist the attractive picture she presented when he tied a new shiny bow round her neck and the goat’s collection of decorative ribbon bows was rapidly increasing in varied colours. Still the goat could see right through him and showed no signs of warming towards h
im.

  Petula was constantly harried by the destruction Nero wreaked on the Pappas’ possessions. The goat had eaten the seat out of the Pappas’ best clerical dress and chewed up his slippers. Next the goat ate and then regurgitated his pyjamas inside his waterproof rubber boots. Nero appeared to have an innate sixth sense which kept her from chewing things belonging to Petula as she only targeted items used exclusively by the Pappas.

  The Pappas arrived home from the church in a surprisingly good mood as he had counted more bottoms on pews than he had seen for a long time. The villagers’ innate respect for the church was winning back those members of his congregation who were prepared to overlook his scurrilous behaviour and give him a second chance, following Petula’s kind hearted example. It had slowly dawned on the priest people would look at him with more respect if he followed his own Biblical advice and lay off the demon drink. He had started to reduce his intake of Holy wine which he now referred to as the ‘grapes of wrath’.

  Petula felt a sinking feeling when the Pappas arrived home, announcing he planned to take Nero for a walk. He told her to make sure the goat was suitably dressed in the fuchsia bow he had bought her. Petula had completely forgotten the goat had copiously thrown up the Pappas’ pyjamas in the waterproof rubber boots he was now putting his feet into prior to taking Nero for her walk. Petula was too late to warn him and his feet slid into the vile and slimy mess the goat had deposited.

  The Pappas displayed his peasant origins by showing no compunction about sticking his vomit laden feet, still encased in his sweaty socks, into Petula’s newly scrubbed kitchen sink, for a quick wash. Petula rushed to hosepipe out the rubber boots and then luckily managed to find him an old pair of vomit free boots. The Pappas said not one word about his insulted dignity as he put on the old boots and dragged a reluctant Nero, who looked so stunning in her fuchsia bow, off for a walk.

  The Pappas needed the peace the walk offered to contemplate some interesting news he had heard on the village gossip vine. Apparently those two odd American tourists who always looked so hapless had been spreading the word the walls of Fotini’s house were extravagantly papered with bank notes. Having lost the projected income the blackmailing scam should have earned him the Pappas was eager to come up with another quick source of money.

  He ruminated to himself obviously Fotini did not need the bank notes if she could afford to wastefully nail them to her walls. His own need was far more deserving he considered. Having a bit of wealth at his disposal may allow him to command more respect in the village as he was sick to death of being treated like a poor church relation. It would take considerable cunning to come up with a foolproof plan to break into Fotini’s house and strip her walls, but the Pappas was determined to conjure up an efficacious plot.

  It started to drizzle as the Pappas dragged the reluctant Nero back home. He was disappointed to see the light rain had left Nero’s new fuchsia bow looking rather bedraggled. Throwing his arm round the goat’s neck in an unwelcome affectionate gesture the Pappas promised “when I is rich I will buy you the best goat’s clothes there is.”

  Chapter 102

  Cat for Ransom

  “Taso, I can barely see the diamond,” Thea complained, peering through a magnifying glass at the miniscule gem set into the engagement ring, the smallest and cheapest one Mr Mandelis, the jewellery shop owner, could offer.

  “We must be sensible an’ prudent,” Toothless Tasos cautiously advised, contemplating how many fish he would have to catch and sell to pay for the diamond ring gracing his beloved’s finger. “Remember it was your spendthrift habits that got you into this ‘orrible debt ridden mess in the first place.”

  Thea ungraciously accepted the new miniscule diamond engagement ring and flounced off; announcing the cat Gata had gone missing again and she must find it. Toothless Tasos’ irritation at Thea’s ingratitude and her lack of money sense gave way to guilt as he knew full well where the cat was. He worried Thea may not forgive him if she discovered he had accidentally sold the cat to Bald Yannis during the house clearance sale.

  “Yanni I want the cat back,” Toothless Tasos forcefully said, striding determinedly into the hardware shop, quite prepared to stand his ground against the larger man.

  “I bought the cat in good faith,” said Bald Yannis, who had been wondering how long it would take for Toothless Tasos to come crawling back to reclaim the cat. “Is very good cat for demonstrating close haircuts with the chainsaw,” he added, while picking up a chainsaw for a quick lick and polish.

  “I need the cat back,” Toothless Tasos declared emphatically. “I will give yous what yous paid, is fair.”

  “Po po the cat is more valuable than that now; if yous want it back yous pay ‘andsome ransom,” Bald Yannis insisted, staring the smaller man down.

  “’Ows much yous want?” Toothless Tasos asked, blanching a terrible color when Bald Yannis named his ridiculous price.

  Toothless Tasos realised he had got himself into a terrible pickle as he left the hardware shop catless. If Thea found out what he had done his life would not be worth living, but there was no way he would even contemplate handing over the ransom sum Bald Yannis had demanded.

  “Why yous looking so down in the dumps?” Stavroula asked him, telling him to sit down and take a coffee on the house. Relations between Stavroula and her former yet legally still married husband had improved immensely since the night he had saved her from strangulation by the elusive underwear thief.

  “I’ve done a stupid thing. I sold Thea’s cat to Bald Yannis and now he’s demanding ransom money to give it back,” Toothless Tasos confessed, swearing Stavroula to secrecy.

  Sly Stavroula came up with a devious solution to the problem. “My cat Boukali is so attractive to other cats we will use it to lure Thea’s cat from the ‘ardware shop, then bag it.”

  “Bravo, that’s a brilliant plan,” Toothless Tasos enthused, promising to look after the taverna whilst Stavroula went off to put her plan into action.

  Stavroula carried Boukali across the road, leaving it on the doorstep of the hardware shop while she went inside to distract Bald Yannis. She requested some obscure pan scourers that could only be found in his filthy back stockroom. As he moved out of sight she encouraged Thea’s cat Gata to pick up the scent of the attractive potential mate she had left on the doorstep. The plan worked like a dream as Gata picked up the cat enticing scent of Boukali and went tearing out of the door, chasing the other cat all the way back to Stavroulas, where Toothless Tasos niftily bagged it.

  “Forgets it Yanni,” Stavroula yelled. “I bet the pan scourers are cheaper at Fat Christos’ new supermarket.”

  Bald Yannis was furious to think he had lost a potential sale to a rival shop. He lifted his leg to kick the cat, then cursed as he realised it was suddenly no longer there. By the time he gave up the fruitless search for the cat Toothless Tasos had already returned it to a grateful Thea, claiming he had found it wandering the street.

  Chapter 103

  Taxi to the Hospital

  Bald Yannis marched over to Fat Christos’ new supermarket craftily disguised in some concealing dark glasses and a baseball cap over his terrible toupee, planning to do a bit of surreptitious snooping. He had a notebook at the ready to discreetly write down the prices of anything Fat Christos was selling which were a duplicate item of his own hardware shop stock.

  He was just about to enter the newly renovated shop when Fat Christos collided with him on the doorstep. “I’m sick, I need the ‘ospital,” Fat Christos screamed, doubling over in violent pain and vomiting all over Bald Yannis’ shoes. Bald Yannis was totally unsympathetic to the other man’s plight. He was furious at the state of his shoes and called the other man a malaka before storming back to his hardware shop to hose down his feet.

  Tassia finished serving a customer and dashed outside to offer assistance to her husband who was suffering excruciating pain. “Quick get in that conveniently handy passing taxi,” she suggested, sticking he
r arm out to hail the old Mercedes taxi which happened to be driving by.

  “Yous ‘ad better stay to watch the shop,” Fat Christos told his wife, collapsing on the back seat of the taxi.

  “I will get yous mother to watch the shop and follow yous to ‘ospital soonest,” Tassia promised her husband.

  Nitsa and Fotini were delighted to have picked up such a lucrative fare as it was quite a distance to the hospital. As the taxi jerked fitfully along in fits and starts Fat Christos was far too ill to take much notice of the incompetent driver balanced on a stack of old magazines behind the wheel. He fell off the seat when Nitsa took aim at Onos the donkey, carrying Vasilis into the village. “Got you that time yous old fool,” she screeched in delight as Vasilis fell off the donkey.

  Nitsa managed to bring the old Mercedes taxi to a halt outside the hospital by driving into the back of an ambulance. “That’s extortion,” Fat Christos complained when Nitsa demanded an exorbitant amount for the taxi fare. She adamantly refused to let him out of the taxi to go into the hospital until he had handed over the contents of his wallet.

  “Quick grab that doctor, they always ‘ave lots of money,” Fotini advised Nitsa, spying their next unwitting fare.

  Mrs Kolokotronis felt terrible when she heard her son had dashed off to hospital in considerable pain. She refused to watch the shop for Tassia, claiming it was her right as his mother to be beside him in his hospital bed. “Gets me to ‘ospital as quick as yous can,” she demanded, climbing into Achilles the borrowed builder’s van.